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Sunday, October 22, 2017

The Venting Is Real.

I feel so alien sometimes. 

I've reiterated that I don't trust men before. That doesn't extend to all men. Just the flirts, the charmers, and the offensive types. I'm open to 'friendly' men who clearly would never have an interest in ever trying to date me.

I think I have coitophobia. Also a fear of intimacy. Not easy to deal with.

I hate pet names. I hate flirtation. I hate flattery.

I REALLY REALLY am not in a place where I want to expand my social life right now. I keep to myself and that's not something I should be ashamed of.

And within the past couple days, where I had to brush off not one, but two guys, trying to start a conversation but flirting with me, and I had to turn them down (nicely yet honestly) they basically get rude with me.

I'm not exactly given proof here that it's okay to trust a guy. I'll accept it when I see it, but thus far I've yet to find that.

Then today....okay. I'll start from the top. He started out with 'hey gorgeous' and I had to immediately tell him I don't like that. I do block him. He comes back with a second profile and said he knows, he just did it to annoy me. I let him down again that I'm not interested in chatting. Block. He comes back with an angry message from a THIRD profile. I block again and change all my facebook settings to friends only.

Except there doesn't seem to be a 'friends only' option for Facebook.

This dude..I talked to him on OkCupid a LONG time ago. Things got on okay, except that I saw his Facebook page. I hate to use the word 'religious fanatic' but...the dude was on some levels of 'something ain't right in the head here.' Not to mention a lot of his posts had a lot of violent and angry speech. 

So I let that go and moved on with my life. 

Then today he pops up out of the blue.

I'm a bit nervous and hoping this is the last I've seen of him.

I'm a Christian. I can forgive. I do. I hate it if I don't. It's just...is it okay if I don't trust any guy that comes onto me?  Can I forgive but not let myself trust them? 

Am I such an evil person to avoid having a big social life? I have a few friends, some closer than others, and I'm happy with that. And I'm easily friends with women, especially fellow artists. They aren't gonna try to date me and I won't them. 

It's just my experience with men has been so awful that I've given up all hope in trusting any guy who tries to get close to me. Does that make me evil? To have my walls up? 

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am totally optimistic about staying single the rest of my life, celibate, too. Introversion does not always equate to an unhappy existence.

This usually only becomes a problem, the keeping my distance thing, when I actually speak up about it. It's a non issue to ignore the person, but they don't like that either. That's a funny thing. It's rude to ignore someone, but its also rude to turn them down. Its like the only win is to say yes and put up with hearing some things you really don't want to hear and endure advances you really don't want. I just can't do that.

I want to be single. I'm happier, more secure that way. I just..I got feelings that just don't mesh with ever having a partner...so I don't want to bother. I can't let a guy into my life and then keep him at a distance because I'm not comfortable with the same things other women are.

So when I look at it that way, there's nothing wrong with not wanting a relationship.

Now with that said, I don't want to associate with any guy who put---what the heck am I saying?

Sorry. Brain. Epiphany.

I'm seriously letting a guy or guys make me feel guilty for not wanting to talk to them after they flirt with me? Forget that! -Feminism fist pump-

I can talk to guys. The platonic, purely forever platonic kind. Just no suitors, please.

Deep breath. I feel better now. Sigh. Phew!

I also want to mention that nothing much has gone on besides me selling the dressmaker, finally, and NOW finally have some new cash to put towards my savings goals. HUZZAH!!!!

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