Wednesday, May 22, 2019

I'm Exhausted. Trying to Get The 'Adulting' Going.

2:20 p.m. I'm exhausted. As it says in the title.

No new job yet. Mom's waiting on a building to be finished at the end of June, then seeing about talking to HR is July about hiring me as there are concerns regarding nepotism.

Anna's waiting to see if there's a place that can fit me in at her job.

No co-op this week, that I know of yet according to Anna, as it was 30 bucks a basket which she doesn't have. Although, there is a memorial day 10 dollar basket thing, so I don't know. I'll have to talk to her about that.

Missed the call yesterday regarding a food stamp interview, so Dad left me his phone for today. I called and left...twice..because I was told by Dad I didn't leave the message right the first time. Hours later, when they still didn't call, Dad and I argued. I cried. We mended things.

I eventually called back, did the interview, and got approved. I let them know.

So that much is in the can. Something went right today, praise and thank the Lord. So we'll see how we work it out as a household from there, God willing.

However, most of the day, my body's physically gonna be recovering from the cry, as it does. Slightly burning eyes, slightly weighted chest feeling, and weird breathing. It passes.

Spent most of my savings, but hopefully that's going way down and has a chance to recover with this food stamps thing, as much of it went to groceries.

I'm considering going to Mom's for the weekend and giving myself a break from the huge recent shove into adulthood, and the pressure and drama coming with it, if I can. :I I asked if Mom was home. She said yes. I asked if I could come over this response of yet.

Still watching Kingdom Hearts cut scenes in order of title release. I'm around the middle of Kingdom Hearts 2, which is 13 hours long, so this alone could take a while. At least it's inoffensive content, which I find enjoyable.

I've all but lost my original routine I had set in motion back at the old place, and want to, when I can settle in enough, re-find that place again. Cause lately it's been back to a lot of aimless wandering through much of the day, just like things were pre-meditation frenzy at the beginning of April..which also slowed way down. :I

It's been hard, especially not having RL friends around to come to during the day, and/but I'm looking forward to finally pulling myself back on the horse.

I am thankful to God for a nice place to live in the meantime, which is better than being in the Ohio streets, or a sketchy homeless shelter. I'm safe. I'm in a place everyone is just as comfortable with me being at, so that works out.

Deep breath. Back to the Kingdom Hearts marathon.

All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus mighty name, God is able to do abundantly above all we ask or think.

Monday, May 20, 2019

Settling In: A Summary

  • Went grocery shopping with Anna and got a LOT of healthy fruits and veggies. 
  • Last night, I made my meal plan food for the week. We had a BIG steak dinner and they watched the American Idol finale they've been following.
  • Also, watched a lot of 'Story of God' on Netflix and got a good leisurely rest in.
  • Got the Marilyn Monroe picture, the big one, above my desktop and a TV and stand set up in my room..with the VCR where I watched Beauty and the Beast.
  • Been watching the Hyperion Theater version of Aladdin on Youtube, like, a lot. <3 The genie is hilarious.
  • Eating kinda healthier these days.
  • Got Chromecast set up to stream things both in the living room and my bedroom, but only one of those at a time.
  • Went job hunting today, but no one was hiring. Good to know I'm not too far from stores, though. Learned there's a Big Top Flea Market in walking distance which pretty much makes my Saturdays around here. Plenty of fun opportunity for exercise.
  • Thrift store found, praise and thank God, my class ring. April got it back. She plans to mail it to me, but it'll have to be after Thursday when she has money. Today is Monday.
  • Kinda randomly decided to watch the Kingdom Hearts entire storyline on Youtube. That could take some time.
That's the gist of it.

Friday, May 17, 2019

New Home.

1:57 p.m. I'm now 'officially' moved into my Dad's house; into my own bedroom WITH a window unit. <3 It's been an emotionally and physically exhausting couple of days, but I'll try to sum it up the best I can.

Leaving the house for the very last time.

Yesterday, at least in the morning, went about as normal. I packed up my computer around 11 a.m. and we loaded, and then dropped off, stuff at the thrift shop.

We got April her food pantry stuff (although we had to go to the City hall and get a copy of the light bill first.)

She's been a resident for years, and ordinarily, since she's moving and wouldn't be considered a 'thirty-day' resident, the lady did her a solid. :) God bless her. April and Rick's relationship was kinda rocky still and at that time, she was still being cut off from him (though later that night he helped her out.)

And close to noon, Anna arrived. Most of my stuff didn't fit in her truck, so April kindly agreed to allow hers to be used, if Anna could cover the gas money.

She did and everything got loaded, we went for gas, and I followed with April behind Anna (determined to get as much time with her as needed before we don't see each other again for years) and a couple times..we got caught at a red light and she had to move ahead, but she always waited for us.

After we made it to the house, then we sat around a good long while trying to get a break and relax. Anna sent her home with some excess food she had, thank God, cause I was still worried about how she'd eat for two weeks with no funds or gas money (again, at the time.)

Then April had to get going. It'd felt like we'd been there more than an hour. We unloaded her truck, hugged goodbye..and then Dad pulled up. Then I offered her tea for the road. (She gave me her cup to do it) A little more talking went on. Then I brought her tea, and then we said goodbye..again. :)

We tried to set up my computer, just to see, with the tv monitor as a screen. The resolution was a no-go, so that idea was scrapped. I played a bit on the computer, without internet, until Dad let me borrow his hot spot for a bit.

I got a bit over-anxious to get stuff that was currently in my room, out, and get mine in. So we all eventually got around to getting that done.

(Aside from some stuff still taking up closet space.) And then I was allowed to bring my things in, and Dad helped me with a couple heavy boxes, the desk, (Only brought the IKEA one) and put my bike around back. We also changed the position of the bed and the wheel of the bed caught my middle toe at one point. Ouch. It felt flattened.

We also brought the kiddie pool, by the way, though they said the dogs would get more use out of it than the kids. It did a good job of covering up the boxes on the way there to keep stuff from flying out.

Anyway, after I got all my boxes in, I was completely 'knackered' to put it, but I was very determined to go to sleep in a space that really felt like 'mine.'

So, I started unpacking and determining what would go where, considering unlike at the last house, all my things were going to live in one room..and as I said, the bulk of my closet has stuff still in it that hasn't been moved out yet.

I got my computer set up first, thank God, so I could do this to music and I could get more relaxed, ergo it would make this progress feel a lot faster. And it did, although it still felt like setting up took hours into the night.

But I got as much done as I could manage. I couldn't hang they had their own plans for how that's gonna go. And I've got several boxes waiting to be moved into closet storage once I've got space. :P So I've just got those taking up my room in the corner, at the moment.

There is also a rocking chair that belonged to mema, that Anna insists will have to stay in here. I don't mind, as I'll still have a decent amount of space after the boxes and pictures are up. Other than that, everything seemed pretty set.

My feet were aching so bad in the end, and were black, so I had to wash them up before bed. Since, at least with me, my feet are actually sore just when they aren't clean. It's a weird thing.

Dad still wants to get a tv set up on my wall at some point.

I've already changed my mind about where I want my desk to go, as I actually put it in a spot close to the outlets, BUT the screen is completely not visible from the bed.

Which means I can't really stream stuff and watch it from the bed. At the same time, I'm just waiting until the TV is in here and set up where he wants it (where I want my desk to eventually be) before I move the desk.

So in short, before I feel like the room is complete and ready and settled in:

  • The closet needs to be cleaned out of their stuff, when they know where they want to put it.
  • A few storage boxes, (albums, important documents, and mementos) then, need to go in the closet.
  • TV is set up (to hang on the wall)
  • Move my desk in a place where I can see the screen from my bed. (Once the tv is up.)
I had both good and terrible dreams, last night. The worst of which I'm working on forgetting with time.

This morning around 9-ish I woke up and wasn't quite sure what I wanted to do. A lot of my usual tasks require internet, which wasn't here at the time. 

I got my laundry started and took the time to walk around a bit and get familiar with the surroundings.

I unpacked the stuff I had for the bathroom.

And I eventually was still so tired bodily, I went back to bed until noon.

I got my laundry in the dryer, did dailies, tidied up a bit in my room, and made me some lunch. Macaroni with tuna and buffalo sauce dressing, then cleaned that up after. Dad said the macaroni 'looked dry.' Lol. I also realized they had no hot dogs, hence tuna taking place of the meat in my macaroni. 

I tried to sew the hole in my Minnie Mouse pajamas, BUT the dollar tree sewing kit wasn't really cutting it. The thread couldn't even fit through the too-small holes in the needle.

I'd have to ask Anna to get some when we go grocery shopping, as well as more macaroni, maybe. Lol.

We've got internet set up now, just recently, and my clothes have since dried and been put away. 

I'm appreciating a landscape where I can stand in one place for more than a few minutes and not worry about getting bit by ants. The backyard is pretty, and secluded, which is another feature I enjoy. 

Our yard in Fort Meade was more like a community yard where people came and went through, and we just adapted to it, but it also meant I'd mainly just want to be outside in the yard if no one else was there due to my awkwardness.

Also, the landlord told April that though Carlo can stay, the other four cats have to go now. Banzo, Minxy, Jelly, AND Hissy. There's nowhere for them to go, so it looks like they may end up in shelter, which is a pretty sad fate considering the limited no-kill shelters available. 

April sent me this:
He's on my old bed. <3 I haven't been gone long enough for him to realize I'm not coming back, but it's still both cute, endearing, and sad all at the same time.

By the way, I almost forgot a few important things before I left. My bed risers (which I was told I can't use anyway, because my new bed is on wheels.) AND my little wood toy table and personalized chair set I've had since I was five years old now! There even used to be a vhs Christmas movie of me unwrapping them for the first time, but I have no idea where those wound up.

I've lost my class ring. I don't know when EXACTLY I last wore it or where I took it off, but I didn't find it while moving my stuff. I'm okay, though. It happens, unfortunately. Leider, ja. 

Overall, the move has been highly stressful, in many ways, but that already seems to be passing as I try and settle into the new place. New plans. New journey and discoveries. In Jesus name, amen!

I'm STILL very much intending on moving to Ohio, BUT at least I'm in a safe and secure place where I can have the time I need to seriously save up for my own place and my independent life. :) 

In fact, my SL funds came in today, so I was able to put back some missing funds, plus a little extra, that I previously took out during the moving process. Soo, I'm very happy to be back on track. O.O

Mom ALSO called me with a job offer yesterday, both work from home and minimum wage (I'll definitely take it) so we're gonna see if that works out. If not, I can apply for work nearby here. I still hope to explore what there in near this area on my own once I get a bike tube and all. 

Google earth should give me a pretty decent idea for now, if it's up to date. Eep.

It's 2:39 p.m. now. Very quiet. Went from five cats to three dogs, and I'm not waking up at 3-4 a.m. yet....on a regular basis to feed babs. Lol.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Moving Out Tomorrow

5:21 p.m. It's been a whirlwind couple of days. We got more than enough boxes. A lot of drama has ensued between April and Rick. And to try and make a VERY long story short, I'm moving out tomorrow.

Tonight, is my last night here, with April. My last night with her, before I expect to part with her for an unknown amount of years...

...and I'm moving in with Dad and Anna, who graciously invited me, sparing me from running away to Ohio with very little money/food/and no place to stay on this very short notice.

While there, I expect to get my life on track where it needs to be. I want to go to Ohio, still, but it's just gotta wait until I'm ready.

I'm all packed now. Today is Wednesday. They come tomorrow. Thursday. They don't have internet until Friday. April is supposed to be leaving with an old friend of hers, Tia, on June 1st. Today is May 15th. So she's got a good couple weeks.

By then, all three of us will be moved out of this house. And Rob is expected to come and take care of/grab whatever's left behind.

Today, I sorted through stuff in the shed that's been in there for a few years. Very few spiders, a lot of dust, and a lot of old high school art I didn't care to keep anymore went in the trash. I did save a few dear to me, though.

Helped April take scrap metal to the scrap yard. She got ten dollars for over a surprising, 200 pounds, of scrap. Also, the scrap yard is very eclectically interesting, in my opinion.

April sold me her digital camera (which I've always loved these past years with her) for twenty. So I still get to take that to the concert like I far. :) Yes, in this day and age, I still like digital cameras. I'm also happy I can still make the concert.

I also kept snagging free candy in the reception area at the scrap yard.

We, then, drove out to Mom's house. The puppy, I think, is with Jen. So I didn't get to show April, but she did get to meet Scarlet. Mom's out of state. We went there to pick up this huge Marilyn Monroe framed picture (cause it was on the way) that I got this past Christmas. It couldn't fit in the back of Mom's car, so a truck was needed.

Photo taken with the aforementioned digital camera. <3

And then we came home. Started thinking about, 'This is the last time I'll do this..or that...' over seemingly mundane things like picking up fast food trash from the floorboard.

I played DMK.

It's my last night to hang out with April.

OH! And she gave me (with Rob's permission) Rob's giant stuffed teddy bear, which she's been sleeping with and kindly requests to sleep with tonight as a comfort, and I'll have to remember to get it tomorrow. :) Cause Anna said she's coming 'early.' I don't know how early. She said she had an appointment or something.

Ideally, we plan to get me on social security or some form of income, and I hope to continue to take part in my therapy appointments to help with that. If Anna's willing to maybe to drive out to Lakeland once every one or two month's or so.

It's been so hot today that I've outsweated my clothes twice now.

I'm glad I blogged this...cause I wasn't sure if I would.

I did 'out' to my family about my desire to move to Ohio last night, and was met with a lot of blessed and surprising support. Again, it'll have to wait until I'm more financially stable. Thanking and praising God in Jesus name, amen! God is able! He has a plan.

P.S. I've been taking sweet pictures and videos of the cats as it will be the last time I see them, as well. It's still looking kind of 'up in the air' as to what happens with them.


6:32 p.m. Update. I got pictures of the pets now, all of them. Ophelia, our neighbor, is moving into this house and even came in to get a little tour. <3 She plans to feed and take care of them, herself, which is one less worry any of us need to have.

I asked Dad if his dogs got along with others [so maybe I could take JJ, who's snuggling my foot right now] He said no. So, that's a thing. I tried. :P Ah, well.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Long Day After A Day Off.

11:34 a.m. Took a day off from my tasks yesterday. Most interesting thing was maybe a trip to Wal-Mart, Taco Bell, and eating even more chocolate while hanging out with April. :P

I've had a series of nightmares, most of which I won't go into detail because they are best forgotten (although in one I was fighting demogorgons as if they were demons; like keeping them away with the Cross, praying, and whatnot.)

The whole nightmares thing put a damper on my mood and kinda led me to getting a late start. It wasn't until the morning hours I finally started having dreams with happier endings.

I got up around 10 a.m. ish or so and am kinda 'slowly' working my way through my daily goals tasks.

I still have yoga to get to today after breakfast, so we'll see if that's gonna boost my energy.

I think a mix of a not-so-great diet, nightly nightmares lately, and too much chocolate are threatening to weigh my body down with depression (though I still consider myself a positive person) just gotta get back on the horse, ya know? That well-to-do horse I was riding last month.

Pretty quiet and calm inside, right now. :) Which is nice. Clear mind. My ears kinda feel like they need to pop. SL sales are steadily climbing and hopefully by the end of the month, I'll have a decent amount to work with.

Just, regarding today, I gotta get my physical 'ummph' going, you know? I'm saying 'you know' a lot today, I guess. :P

1:33 p.m. Went through normal daily tasks. Decided to start a new streak for eating less sugar. That may, God willing, fend off future bodily depression? Sleepness? Durdgieness? I? I don't know. :P

I do know today's brief yoga session was highly beneficial, mixed with my praise and worship thing, and now I'm back to a good place for the rest of the day. And longer, I hope. Body and self is not on the curb of depression anymore and I'm my comfortable, positive, happy, and productive self. Thanks to God.

2:30 p.m. Got another page of my novel in for today. Man, that was kinda sad and dramatic. Just how I end up writing, it seems.

So far the main character is a ghost, and doesn't realize it. She is watching as her mother mourns, but merely assumes it's just her in another one of her common and eccentric drunken states.

3:11 p.m. Got my clothing item, the ripped tank, up on SL..with minutes to spare before the storm cut the power to my monitor. The computer is shut down. I'm on my Chromebook. April has quietly and mysteriously disappeared once again and I'm looking to spend time, thanks to God, with some chocolate and maybe watching something on Youtube. Or some other streaming thing, I don't know.

4:41 p.m. Watched some of 'The Mummy' always a favorite. Had some chocolate. Ate some pizza. April came home upset because she got caught out in the heavy rain walking into town for an hour and had trouble getting a ride back (among other personal things she's going through)

I proceeded to almost aimlessly play on the computer and that's the story.

7:47 p.m. Hung out with April and went with her to pick up the truck. :) Her and I toyed with the idea of just taking the truck and running out of state together..but realistically, we both need more money first. O.O

9:55 p.m. Not much new. Winding down for the night. Listening to music and chatting with neo friends.

Closely watching and trying to unlock Pua from Moana on DMK by tomorrow. I got 16 hours to pull it off. Needing four tokens, which can take 4-6 hours each to pull off (several characters trying for it at once, so there is a chance of multiples, and sometimes they come back with no tokens....) ssoooo *shrug* we'll see if we wind up with a cute piglet on my DMK squad or not. At least I got close, lol.

11:11 p.m. Update. Pua needs 'one' token to unlock, and I have 14 hours to get it. :o

In other, humongous news, April dropped the bombshell that we may be hightailing out of state much sooner than expected, as she is expecting for things to go south in her situations. She also said tomorrow we are supposed to be getting boxes, to put that into perspective.

I dropped the news about me going to Ohio to my family. I have every confidence God's gonna take care of me if I go, God willing. MY worry is because I don't believe in their confidence in me..and it breaks my heart to break their heart because they worry and love me so much, and don't want me to go.

I want to go to Ohio, so I can go to this Church, and be a member of this church. It's my dream now, and I want to follow it. It serves God, soo..why shouldn't it happen? Still, that's also a part of it that I have trouble, God forgive me, telling my family..because I don't believe in myself that I could make them understand why I'd go all that way to go to a church. God has the plan. His love rests in me.

I'm confident in Him that whatever comes, I'll be okay.

"So, there is a kinda MAJOR BOMBSHELL to drop. And If you're my family, you're gonna wanna read this.
I'm intending on leaving soon. To New Albany, Ohio. My roommate is leaving the state with me, to go to Missouri.

There's not a set date...yet. I have some money saved up and plan on applying/arranging a job before I go..but it seems this is kinda..really..happening.

Like my roommate said 'tomorrow, we're going to go get boxes' happening. Cause this person is getting out of state, too, and needs it. And I'm not staying here by myself.

And no offense, but I'm not willing to move in with you guys, either. You don't get along all the time, and it makes for a really stressful, uncomfortable, and unhappy environment for me. (Much as I REALLY DO LOVE YOU.) Add to the fact that In don't think there's any room in the first place.

And I thought this was only gonna be going on in a couple years, but there are certain life events going on for my roommate that are pushing the move date (whatever it will be) way forward.

This will probably scare ya'll to death, too..cause somehow I'm considered the least responsible member of my family (much as you love me.)

NOT everything is figured out. I know that. I'm human. I'm working on it, fervently. There's still time, at least. Still, I don't even imagine a single approving positive reaction to this post. 
Especially in regards to where I'll be staying...but I'm set on this. I'm grown. I'm 30. I want to go. I choose to go, and I'm old enough to decide to go. I 'need' to go. And 'grow' up.

I'm choosing to leave with my friend..whenever we go. And I'm not afraid to go set out on my own, at all.

Literally, the only worry/problem I have on my chest is what you guys think. How this is gonna make you feel. Because it's not gonna be good. It's the worst part of all this. And I really wish that the fears you have for me and my life wouldn't risk holding me back from going wherever I'm dreaming of.

I want to learn to be independent like I should've a long time ago. Cause the baby bird's gotta be pushed out of the nest at some point.

I wish you could be as confident in me as I am in myself, but I haven't exactly earned that in your eyes, again, much as you love me.

No, I'm not driving. But you'd be surprised at just how far I'd go on make it on a bike and honestly, a car is too huge of an expense for me starting out anyway.

The smart thing is when we do have a date, I start applying to places in Ohio and start lining job interviews so there can be an immediate form of income when I get there.

Again, still working out where I'm gonna stay. We aren't 'leaving' tomorrow, but we are getting boxes, so it's happening soon. I believe.

I'll keep you updated. My roommate and I are still hashing out the details, so no, I don't have all the answers.

Please know that writing this whole thing was very scary for me, like 'shaking' scary, cause I'm concerned about how it makes you feel...

but I'm glad I'm at least saying something now and not waiting until it's the night before I go, or something, to say I'm leaving the state..cause that wouldn't be right.

*sigh* I love you.

And if you please...PLEASE don't freak out on me over this (Already a fragile emotional state going on as it is on my end) because it was hard enough to say this, already.

Please, give me time I need/can get to get everything together, because believe it or not, it CAN, and everything will be okay. It really will. Love you.  Trust I'll be okay. God bless you. Love you all!"

So yeah. That's that. Since I can trust God to handle my circumstances, I can trust he'll get me through my family's reaction to this. If it's His plan, then let it be known, in Jesus name, Amen!

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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