Thursday, April 25, 2019

Been Almost A Week.

10:41 a.m. The past week has had its very highs and very lows.
  • Celebrated Easter with my family. Mom showed up by surprise and I had to leap out of bed and pack in a real, hurry. Got plenty of pics and vids on my insta. Visited both Jen's and DJ's kids. I had fun with Harmony and Aaliyah at their awesome nearby playground (shiny advanced equipment) [I also was shocked to learn they have their own TikTok, thankfully kid friendly] and seeing DJ's kids dye eggs and play.
  • Started the road to therapy. My next appointment in June 19th, three days after a much anticipated concert.
  • Still having my good and bad days, mentally. And been trying to practice meditation/freewriting on a daily basis.
  • Cashed out SL yesterday with a satisfactory amount to put towards my goals. :))
  • Spent a lot of time in bed and just now trying to get back onto my goals.

Yesterday, I took a long nature walk, which I found to be very beneficial. I was wary of the idea of finding a gator cross my path and almost had a standoff with a frightened squirrel. No biggie. :P I'm fine. I didn't bring a bottle of water. Sometimes, I just choose not to. I, instead, drank straight from the tap of a fosset beside a party pavilion.

I attempted to tire swing, only to find I was too big. Apparently, April knew what she was doing when she did it. Lol. 

I've been exploring more styles of meditative youtube videos. Namely, one that manifests finding love and soulmates and whatnot. 

Granted, I don't actually believe in that whole 'ask and focus/manifest the universe, and it shall give it' nonsense. Nor do I believe in the 'power' of hypnosis or astral projection, which is what some of these videos claimed to be about. I also don't think my faith allows for me to do so. But the 'mind trips' as I call them (think the canyons and beaches you see from a helicopter view) involved are honestly fun, nonetheless. And I don't feel it spiritually hurts to explore the videos' long as I choose to recognize it's God with the power, not the universe, to make things happen.

ANYWAY! Now that I'm past that little disclaimer.

Last night, I listened to two of those manifest love/soulmate videos on repeat. All night. 

I took the last four night-time advil pills for a headache, and my body pretty much waged war on my tiredness by giving me a body-torturing overactive usual. To me, it is as bad as it sounds. And I don't mean it's a painful process. 

I mean it's constant state of leaving bed, opening the door, going down the hall, bathroom, closing door, hall, trying to close my nearly broke door, and getting back to bed. Over and over and over.

Imagine a life where you just used the bathroom and tried to sleep, and when you finally get relaxed, you find the urinary urges don't stay away. That's my issue. They return like, minutes later. And imagine this going on for hours on end. That's my life. I've lived with it for many years, honestly.

Pray for me, in Jesus name, Amen!

Basically, if my body is fully rested/relaxed, my urinary urges kick in, and they don't really...stop...for hours. Sounds like kind of a curse? I know. Ugh. Therefore, even if the rest of my body is relaxed, this is the one part of my body that won't and often, just gets more unrested. >.< It's a highly frustrating thing, and not fun to talk about it.

I'm off topic, again. Okay! So, I listened to those two videos over and over again, despite the fact that I also have trouble falling asleep to sound. So I did turn it down and could only partially hear the sentences, which I think my subconsciousness had memorized anyway..and at times my mind would be hearing something completely different than what I knew it was actually supposed to say. Which was kind of amusing.

So! To sum up: reasons for my rough sleep last night:
1. My bladder waged war against my rested state.
2. I had a lot of bad thoughts and did some things I wasn't proud of, at all. It kinda got to a worse level than normal last night.
3. Listened to the tracks over and over, kinda determined to see what would happen in my dreams, despite the fact that I don't sleep well to sound. And I may do this again...for months. At least I have the idea, too.

As for my little dream experiment, they were both good and bad. I find them indifferent to the videos thing (because funnily enough the comments ranged from how well this worked to people having horrific nightmares and sleep paralysis from them.) Yeah.

Nah. The worst dream I had was Moriarty was actually a known vampire, (EDIT: Not Moriarty, Andrew Scott in the Mad Hatter Costume from Once Upon A Time in Wonderland.) and he almost killed me after draining my blood through my arm. >.< Just multiple bites crawling up my arm. Nightmares are terribly unpleasant and I rarely mention them in my blog, these days. They aren't very kosher.

Afterwards, I sought out Frozone (Guy in his costume, anyway) to hide me on a planet across the galaxy. xD I've never even seen that movie. People did end up finding me, and were none too pleased. I forget who, but they were known celebrities. Lol.

I did have a dream where I went to that 'dream apartment' (via elevator) I talked about in my meditations. I got as far as maybe the kitchen area before it transformed into maybe my Mom's house or something, lol. I also didn't realize I was already dreaming and was clinging to the place in a desperate attempt to not wake up.

No dreams of falling in love or of a soulmate to report. :P

I, actually, by the way, haven't had a sleep paralysis nightmare, thank GOD, in a very, very long while. 

Those started almost regularly when I was about 13, right after a dream where I told the boogie man I was too old for him, (yes, seriously) and in the latter years of those episodes I always got through it calling on the name of Jesus, getting less and less afraid when they happened. He was basically my Warrior in those situations, if you will. 

Not to say I don't think they'll never happen again, but I'm a lot less afraid of them than I used to be because of how much I rely on my faith and the power of God. 

Yes, it actually works. :)) I wouldn't say so if it didn't. 

So yeah, I wasn't afraid of the videos making that happen, but it is unfortunate the amount of people that did go through those. 

Right now, I'm chilling out in my bed and listening to twentyonepilots. Glad I took the time to blog before too much time passed and I'd forget this stuff.

2:12 p.m. I got in a good sermon today. The one I missed over Easter break. I also got in a little exercise and a brief freewriting session. Now back on the love/soulmate manifestation video, on the youtube replay site, and hopefully I can get better at learning how to sleep with sound cause that's somewhat of an issue of mine...

...especially when I visit my mother's house, because she has to have the television playing in order to stay asleep. So I have to make the adjustment in the duration I'm there. Not to mention I keep losing my earplugs, just as much as I keep losing my eye masks like I did last week.

THANKFULLY, they're only a dollar each at the Dollar Tree, so they are easily replaceable and at the moment am relying on one from April/Damon (She's planning changing her name so I have to at some point start calling her Damon) which has actually comfy stuffing sewn into it. So that's a thing.

Friday, April 19, 2019

Truck Troubles.

9:07 a.m. It’s early. I had a rough night/morning. April was up early and invited me to go get groceries. I’m still a morning person, so I got up and left with  her. We’re going to try and eat healthier. If only I could give up the soda. ðŸ˜‚😎

Right now,  the truck broke down at the farmers market. We’re trying to get that going. 

Mom talked about picking me up to go spend the weekend with her. Thankfully she likes to do that in the afternoon/evening hours. I hope. ðŸ˜Ž

I also have a new SPN episode I need to catch up on. And avoid SPOILERS on YouTube!! The season is almost over with a couple episodes left and next season is the series finale! ðŸ˜…😭 

9:25 a.m. It started..for a moment. And then quit again as soon as she went in reverse. And April’s concerned about taking up these good Samaritans’ time and business (the cashier lady is helping us) and she’s full of worry.

I’m keeping calm. I kinda don’t see a reason for me not to be just yet. Doesn’t mean uncaring, just calm.  

9:58 a.m. Still stuck. Went to the plaza across the street for a WiFi signal and a couple of guys tried their best to sell me a car. ðŸ˜‚I was a little too embarrassed to admit I don’t drive.

And anyway, I found ‘one’ open WiFi signal, but it had no internet. -__- Was trying to let Mom know I’m not home but I guess I can’t. ðŸĪ·ðŸŧ‍♀️😕Who really plans on breaking down, anyway?

10:02 a.m. The Calvary aka Rob and Dawn, are here. ðŸĪ˜ðŸŧ✌️🙌Let’s hope it works....

10:04 a.m. and we’re off!!

10:17 a.m. At Dawn’s. I severely need to charge my iPod.

4:41 p.m. We left Dawn’s house. Afterwards went to McDonalds to get cones, and then it broke down in the line, but thankfully didn’t take too long to get restarted. 

I took a nap, then hung out with April. There’s currently a tornado warning, so we got all the cats inside. 

Also, she made some no-bake oatmeal balls that are currently cooling.

1:14 a.m. Had ‘the talk’ with April. About sex. I’m a virgin so..I had questions. About certain things. That was..erm.

I think I'm disliking the idea of sex even less than I did before. ðŸĪ”She was very..blunt. Yep. Anyway. No more on that subject. 

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Hinting at Productivity.

12:18 p.m. April’s in one of her low moods today. Which ðŸ˜Ž✝️✝️isn’t that great. The picture says it all.

Still, I could use the company. 

Been thinking too general. About my future. Had a night without my bad thoughts ðŸ’­again, so that’s great.

Going to spend an hour and a half now with her outside Publix while we wait on her prescriptions to be filled. 

I could go browse shops to pass the time but honestly, I’d rather not just leave her sitting by herself, even if she wouldn’t mind. 

At least I’m blogging this on my iPod. I need to not browse YouTube so much while I’m here since my iPod may DIE as a result. Ya know?

I slept until early afternoon and then we got breakfast at Mcdonalds. Sausage McMuffin and a large water. I need to drink more water, for sure.

I got my day started by making my bed and played a bit of DMK. Then joined her on the Publix trip which, by the way, I didn’t know was gonna take this long but hey.

Also, April wants to sleep. I suggested the truck but she said it’s too hot. 

We also recently just got here. ðŸ™ƒ

I like life’s little, very little, adventures though. 

12:45 p.m. Tried to sit outside with April while I brushed up on my German practice for today but there was a leaf blower going on outside so I needed to move in and get it done.

Heading back out there now that I finished. Pray for me, in Jesus Name! ðŸĪ˜ðŸŧ✌️✝️ðŸĪ—😍ðŸĪŠ❤️ðŸĪ·‍♂️ðŸĪ·ðŸŧ‍♀️

Also, my iPod is officially dying.

Nvm. April’s returning here. ðŸ˜‚

1:03 p.m. Leaving! That went by faster than expected. Only took around an hour, instead of an hour and a half.

1:24 p.m. Home and need a few minutes to relax. ðŸ˜‚

1:39 p.m. I have a few projects in mind I'd like to take care of. One of them maybe being a new SL release for the first time in a long while. At least God is currently blessing my sales. :))) That'll help with the Ohio saving. 

I need to update my blurb book with the entries and OOHHH is there a LOT of them to cover! I'm WEEKS behind and there quite a bit of long entries to deal with..since this whole month has been really impactful on my life and future. 

I want to get my exercise in. Ideally, start training my body to be able to handle trekking longer and longer distances over time. A skill I'm confident I'd find useful in the case of me being on my own in Ohio. With some flat bike tire and potentially miles of highway to drift to get to what I need. Let's be real, even if I do get to drive, I'm not seeing me having the spare expenses for a car. And anyway, what better way to practice doing it than in the blazing hot Florida sun, hmm?

1:52 p.m. OH! And it turns out I may not need to involve the hassle of flying, after all. IF I can save up the extra gas money, April could drive me to Ohio WITH my bike and maybe a little more necessities than I originally planned (i.e. Just a little more than what I could carry on my back, still not planning on taking a ton of possessions.)

2:26 p.m. Back from a decent brief walk. Taking 10 minutes a day to at least do excerise seems like a nice small start to health/productivity/preparation goals. Lol. Break time. Hoping to getting around to updating my blurb book today.

God bless. Jesus loves, lives, saves. All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to the mighty God on the highest forever and ever. God is able to do abundantly above all we ask or think! In Jesus name, amen!

3:41 p.m. Got as far as updating the blurb book by 13 pages. Still not finished. I got 4-5 more entries to go before it's done. But for now. I need a break, bruh. Maybe even a food.

Speaking of! April wants to start doing meal planning. We'll see how long this lasts and how she decides to do it, etc. Either way, I'm all for it. Just hope it can be done in a way we can agree with. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Recovery Mode

2:52 p.m. I didn't sleep well last night. My mind got to me. I didn't go to sleep until early morning hours. After the sun was up. And..I woke up around 10ish, woken up by April, and I was clearly tired and slightly cranky. I tried to get out of going to therapy until next day, but April lectured me on Discord. I didn't feel like putting up any argument, so we went.

Thankfully, she's been in a more pleasant mood, lately. And the last thing I need to do is spoil that.

So, we got there. Got me put in the system and then were asked to come back at noon to see if there was an opening, cause I can only do walk in. So we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff. April also kindly got me a curtain rod and some white envelopes I needed for a cash stash for this Ohio fund.

We went back and then waited at the office until after 1 p.m. only to be told there was no room for me. So I'm rescheduled for the 23rd as an actual appointment, though under the name of a walk-in, and that means I'll actually get to seeing someone.

I also had finally told my Mom about Rob moving out and my desire to move to Ohio and live on my own. Days ago. She only just saw the message and the reaction was just as I expected, fear and worry, because it's not believed I can be ready to live on my own.

To be fair, I'm really not. Not right now. I can't drive. Have no savings. No job. I've never lived on my own before or paid my own bills. I don't even have a set plan on where I'll live when I get to Ohio or how to afford it. Let's just be real.

BUT I've got two years to prepare what I need, and all the determination and confidence I can muster. In addition to my plucky attitude. Even though I do wish people would be as little worried about my own future as I am. I'm not afraid, since I'm confident that I can do this, knowing that this is something I REALLY can't put off.

She's the only family member who knows about this. And for now, I'm keeping it that way. At the moment, I can deal with one family being fearful for my life, but not the entire family. Not right now.

God's got me. Like, totally.

Best I can do right now about that is not say anything, and if I have to, certainly DON'T LIE. :)

On the level though, I omitted the fact that I intended on using 'camping' as my temporary living situation upon arriving. She was worried and scared enough as it is, as understandably a mother would be. Let's not compound that with my outrageous plan. Lol.

And instead I told her that after I leave the Ohio airport, what happens yet is as of yet, undecided.

I do have to ease people into this, ya know.

But it's actually true. I don't know what abilities/finances/circumstances will have changed between the me of now and the 'me' of two years later. We know it's God's path that prevails. If I really, and truly, work very hard to change and get my life and my responsibilities together like it's expected of me, I could manage a great deal of success. 

If I want to set out to do what I hope to do, by leaving the nest and going it on my own, and God willing get the emotional support I need, I can't afford to take the preparations lightly.

She's planning on seeing me this weekend, by the way. I am expecting this will be a topic of concerning conversation. >.> Like I said, in her defence, I'm 'not' ready to live on my own right now. So it's hard to imagine me doing that. Preparing is going to take a great deal of time. Well, cramming it into two years, anyway.

Words won't convince her, or anyone else, in my opinion. Actions and results will.

I do hope to get a job. Thinking of applying to Taco Bell since they're hiring. Or getting on social security, depending on what the therapist thinks I should do. God only knows. Either way, that's some sort of income to push towards savings, which I'd be very fortunate to have enough to put away in preparation for the big day. Since Rob takes care of most of the expenses, for now, around here.

I just know. It's about time. I'm a grown woman. I need to learn to take on grown responsibilities. In fact, that time's a bit overdue. Not everyone is gonna be there to take care of me for the rest of my life. I feel the overwhelming 'need' to prepare to make it without a dependent.

Sigh. What a couple weeks it's been, huh? Getting from one mindset of little motivation to all this. In Jesus name, Amen.

3:33 p.m. *Hopes every month is as progressive as this one has been for the next two years* lol.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019


1:43 p.m. At Polk County healthcare with April while she’s here to get a low income health plan. Meanwhile, I’ve been discussing with her Ohio plans and what’s the most efficient way for me to last on my own once I’m dropped off there, with nothing but what’s on my back.

First off, shelter wise. Find a campsite. Set up. Live there cheap.

She’ll take me as far as Missouri, and I can take a much cheaper plane ride to Ohio from THERE. Preferably booked weeks in advance. 

She’ll also teach me the survival skills that she’s so passionate about. Like setting up my own tent and air mattress, and ideally being able to carry it in my bag.

Another thing would be to get me a P.O. Box so an address is set up for me to get a job. 

Get job. Make money. Save up. Get a real place. Boom. Adulthood. :P Ideally. 

It’d take a lot of roughing it though, which I’m okay with cause to me, this is literally going to be an adventure.

Going to Church is somewhere in there. Just have to work it out the way it sound out, I guess.

I definitely need to get in better shape though cause I need to be able to physically handle the trials of this journey. 

I spent my morning setting up daily tasks and a paper for streaks. So I’m hopefully hopping back on the productivity train. :) So that’s something.

This is all so important, though. Cause adulting is coming at me like an oncoming train. ðŸ˜‚

3:00 p.m. Okay. So we got that out of the way. Then went to Peace River and have begun the process of trying to get me on therapy. So praying that works out. ✌️ðŸĪ˜ðŸŧ😂

For the most part, I consider myself a happy go lucky, plucky positive person. Happy shiny. But there are times where I think I really need the help, namely that I have a habit of ‘slipping’ into my major problem.

Erratic sleep issues. Etc. 

Yay for the productivity train.

Now, hopefully, getting some good food and then going home!! :)

4:07 p.m. We got Taco Bell. 

I've finally figured out, with April's help, how I can break the news of the sudden move to Ohio to my family. And I don't think it’d be like I’m lying or anything..

...Backpacking. Camping. A 'living off the grid' adventure. :) 

Which is essentially what I’ll be doing, just living in the woods temporarily until I can obtain an income for proper a trailer park. Sounds like a plan. I like it! And I got two years or so to prep, so...

4:30 p.m. Just went out with April to Rick’s house so she couple pick up a few garden tools and drop off a large shovel.

I’m happily exhausted. At this point, my to-do list today can be put off for tomorrow.

The streak is really supposed to start in May, but I can take it in advance if I want. For now, I’ve got my happy little wall setup for tracking and re-affirmation purposes, which I want to take a picture of, too.

4:57 p.m. Okay. So maybe I  following this list today, after all. Praise and thank the Lord for productivity. Am I right? :) 

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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