Friday, July 19, 2019

Back To It!

9:46 a.m. The goal is to start including these SNAP requirements 'comfortably' into my daily routine. While they in themselves aren't the hugest stressor, the failure for them to properly credit my work can be, as that is what SNAP will be relying on and not my word.

It's managed to actually record my work so far, but as far as the job searches go, it's only counting a fraction of them. Which is terrible already considering how many I have to complete in a less than two week time frame. My best bet would be to just manually write them down in the end, so they'll be ready to present to my case worker.

Anyway! Other than that, the day has been going normal.

I had a meltdown in one of my dreams, which was very much like something that happened to me in real life, where I was standing in the middle of a crowded room, sobbing about how ignored my presence is, my lack of inclusion in things.

This same kinda thing happened in real life years ago staying at Mom's house and some guys were living there who I felt, rudely, pretty much ignored my existence and treated me as though I were invisible. Like if I spoke to them, they would not even so much as look at me or acknowledge they heard a thing. And I couldn't stand it.

I guess it was just some buried anxiety my brain had to let out and try to let go.

They live in New York now, and Jen, who is a close friend of theirs, is planning to go live with them. That's all cool for her. She invited people to go with her, and I honestly would've loved to, except for the fact that she'd be going to stay with them and God love them, I can't risk putting myself in that kind of position again. The trip wouldn't be a pleasant memory, then.

I'm needed here, anyway, for whatever God has planned for me. I'm glad I at least wrote it out.

I didn't finish working on my Blurb book last night. I got side-tracked in the excitement of all that grocery shopping, lol, because I finally had a little liberty to pick some things out, and it wouldn't be an issue. I know. I know. That should not be the important thing at all. The feeling will pass. Forgiven.

Kinda waiting on 10 a.m. so I can end my minimum IF and make some breakfast. I try to basically break my eating periods into a 12 hour window where I can eat, and 12 hours where I don't. Including sleep. For a long while, I did 16 hours, but my body is adjusted to 12 now and even starts having hunger pangs just before then, lol.

I feel like it helps keep my insulin in check, especially in a less-than healthy diet. 12 hours gives it a chance to drop and rest at a normal level before certain foods raise it again. Tread carefully. Be safe. I never want to end up with diabetes. I feel for those that have it and I do want to prevent it for myself.

4:41 p.m. Five hours later. Two and a half of which were spent on an online job training course. The rest of the day had it's happenings. There's quite a story there.

I got a couple texts back asking for interviews from two different places.

However, my phone has no service. So! I went to Boost Mobile to go pick up a card to load. They didn't have one.

Went next door to Publix, as they recommended, and put five dollars on one. (Mind you, I've never done one of these things before.) It had a scratch-off pin on the back, but unfortunately, my nails were too short. I didn't have any coin change.

So I literally scraped it against concrete to get the pin, then sat down and tried to text the pin as the instructions said, only to get a text back that I'm not typing in a full number and try again.

Then I managed to call the Boost Customer hotline and deal with a machine to load the card.

So after finally figuring out how to do that, I still had no service, because I'm still short thirty bucks.

I can't buy a card in credit, and I only had five bucks left in cash.

I decided to use the atm. It first gave me my bank info at a 50 cent fee,  which also confirmed to me that my PIN was working, (I RARELY make withdrawals due to high anxieties regarding card errors; more on that soon) and then when I got to the withdraw screen I realized I could only withdraw in twenties.

And I was a little short of what I needed to withdraw 40, which would've covered it.

So I went to try cash back. I grabbed a dollar pack of slim jims as a purchase, and then tried to withdraw the 30 bucks. Error. Error.

And then the card refused to do the purchase all together. I had to cancel the purchase. It was quite awkward and disappointing.

I went home unhappy, certain the bank had cut my card off permanently.

I prayed about it, too.

I called the bank to learn that my card was working fine, and that multiple stores have been experiencing cash back issues with the card and their machines. Winn Dixie, Publix, Target, etc. So that, as much, was a relief, that my card wasn't as locked as I thought. I could use credit fine, just not debit.

I was so certain it was deactivated before this, because last time this happened, years back, the bank really DID turn off my card. It took bawling and begging on the phone to upper management to get it turned back on, (This happened because they counted errors made years apart as a strike which never went away, and that was the third that time.)

They did it with the warning that if I did it wrong again, the card would be permanently deactivated. That set me up for years of anxiety towards making cash withdrawals to follow. No joke. So you can imagine what was going through my mind on the way home.

Anyway. With no way to add funds to my Boost account, outside of monthly payments which I, so far, refuse to due to due a phobia of them (yes, a phobia, mainly over auto-payments and potentially overdrafting) and thus no active phone until Safelink arrives, I used Dad's phone to call the people who called about my resume back.

They were very professional and I was very ready to work with them. They wanted a web interview, and then one in person. However, it was too far out for anyone to be willing to drive me, much less get there as a work commute. So that was out. I'm back to square one.

The second number didn't answer. And when I googled their number it didn't bring up a business, so that was kinda shady.

I keep saying to myself if God's ready for me to have employment, I will. I'll just keep trying and making efforts til' then. :) It's all in His way and His timing. in Jesus name.

Kinda seems like I'm really having my good and bad days these days, and there used to be a 'lot' of good days, so all these trials take some adjusting to, ya know?

Thursday, July 18, 2019

Welcome Changes.

9:32 a.m. Noticeable difference in how the day is starting today. Since..I'm finally giving myself a break from the SNAP requirement obligations for a day. As Anna said, I've been doing too much, too hard, and too fast and that's probably part of why I've been breaking down so much.

This morning has been a lot more casual and stress-free, and actually freed up my mind to go over other various small things I'd like to get accomplished. That big white board is a blessing from God. Seriously. lol. Tracking so many things in one place brings a smile to my face! <3

Today, I decided I want to go up to the Dollar Tree and see if I can pick up some necessities, while I can still afford it. I definitely need help in the organization department, especially being as crammed for space as I am.

My closet is a total-mess and needs a do-over. Unfortunately, Anna won't allow me to move the extra stuff, the stuff that's not mine, out yet, so I'll have to work around that. :P

My little bookshelf also needs organizing.

And these are actually the kind of things on a to-do list I actually least as long as stuff doesn't tumble down like an avalanche or cause me physical pain. Eep.

12:48 p.m. Today has been going very pleasant. I got some supplies at the Dollar Tree and make-shifted a door-hanging storage rack from six hole-punched pencils cases and shower curtain rings. (Instead of using a plastic shoe rack, which I couldn't find, to organize these supplies.) Bonus is the space is bigger. And I can add onto it in the future, God willing.

Downside is there is a less amount of items that can hang on the rack than a shoe organizer.

I also found my old hole puncher, which was much stronger than my Dollar Tree one. Still good to keep a backup. Just thanking God it was there.

A picture would describe it easier, but yeah, now it's got my art supplies more organized..namely my colored pencils which are now sorted by color, whereas before you had what looked like a couple hundred of them are mixed together.

I stood and organized those, and it left my feet hurting, lol.

Got all my glue in one place, though I'm low on large hot glue sticks and the Dollar Tree had none of those.

So that'll have to wait. Cause I'm not looking to spend myself broke. I've spent 'enough' in the past couple days alone just on office and organizational supplies.

I got a couple glue sticks, some awesome glue that seals great but takes a long time to dry, and a small and near empty medium bottle of Mod Podge.

In the process of organizing my art supplies, I also realized I had more paint brushes than I realized. Though actually few, they were my favorite ones.
Especially the smaller ones I needed. So it made me happy to know I won't be needing to replace those just yet, after all.

Crayons are organized by color, but there's not enough room to store them on the rack. Hence why they aren't shown. So I'm thinking of putting my little bookshelf on risers and giving it that storage.

AND there was no room on the rack for my hot glue gun, as you can see. :P

In may have to get a couple more cases in the future to add on things, but for now it's my desire to halt the spending spree. Before I wind up, as I said, broke.

I moved my currently broken fan to a shaded place OUTSIDE, where it's no long taking up needed space in my closet.

I lost my labels I bought yesterday. There's a good chance they accidentally got thrown away. I'll be okay though, they were only a dollar.

I also got a MUCH needed new toothbrush. :) Which is convenient cause on the way to throwing my old one out, it landed in the toilet of all places. Yup.

Lastly, I got some hooks (single pack of 3) and had planned to use it to hang my purse on the wall, however, as kinda expected, the weight couldn't keep it up.

Chores have been getting done. Productivity is up and therefore, without the worry of SNAP obligations JUST for today, I can feel a LOT less stress and clear up my head, all while getting things done I've been wanting to see done.

1:12 p.m. Someone knocked on the door with a black and white pit bull, asking if it was ours, and unfortunately it's not. I thought it was my neighbors' dog, a puppy they recently had go missing, but he'd already asked. And now Kylie's having a barking fit over it. -_- Gotta wait for the girl to chill, lol.

EDIT: She's now been talked into relaxing, lol.

4:55 p.m. My card FINALLY came in! Praise and thank the Lord! So I hopped on my bike and went back to the grocery store. I got a bunch of frozen veggies, mac, hot dogs, and other stuff and sooo thankful! <3 25 things for a little over 30 bucks, which made me even happier. Savings.

Clothes folded and put away. It's been a super productive day, and as a result my feet 'still' hurt lol. Kinda worth it, though. I needed a good day, like really bad. xD

5:12 p.m. Dad is home. I had a break. Did some German lessons. Now it's 'finally' time to get on with that blurb journal that's been waiting too long. :P

Wednesday, July 17, 2019

Highedy Highedy Lows

4:30 p.m. This day has been a rollercoaster of feels. So I'm gonna just sum it up in highs and lows.

  • My progress requirements for the SNAP job training program don't appear to be recorded automatically like they should. Which makes me worry they could think I've done nothing and cut off my benefits.
  • I had a total meltdown, which I posted to Facebook, which resulted in an argument between my Dad and Jen, and an 'angry emoji' reaction from Mom. Though that wasn't confirmed why.

    Anna suggested I take a day off tomorrow from this whole SNAP training thing, cause I'm having a meltdown with how much I'm putting myself through too much too fast.
  • Urinary tract was not being my friend this morning. 
  • Disney Magic Kingdoms has reset my progress to the beginning out of nowhere, AGAIN.

    A good reason I'm glad I no longer spend actual money on it anymore. No telling how long it'd take to get back, should I get it back at all. Customer service can be iffy.
  • I got a few things to get my paperwork and important documents in order, from the Dollar Tree, for a dollar EACH:
a. A super cute binder.
b. Dividers
c. Labels
d. Sheet protectors.
e. 3 - hole punch (which I wound up not needing cause of items b and d. Not sure where my original one is. I 'think' I gave it to April, lol.
f. Self-laminating sheets (which I used to HAPPILY laminate the yellow DEMA triangle I got from the twentyonepilots. I'm praising God such a thing exists. Lol. Cause I knew from the start I wanted it laminated and preserved. Afterwards, I used the oven to heat and seal it just little extra.

g. Cute clipboard.
h. A single use super glue which I used to glue inside the binder. Which, as it turns out, had no inside pockets. So I found that super handy. It also got a little stuck to my fingers :( which has since worn off.

Ran me 8 dollars and some change and TOTALLY worth it.
  • Took a visit to the Five14 Church giving site today. ;) <3 
  • Chores wound up getting done. 
  • Dogs walked, and even scrubbed clean despite their resistance.
  • I've asked Anna to take me to Wal-Mart tonight, so I can 'finally' get a full sized-white board, instead of using a bunch of small ones, which keep falling off my wall. And I asked Dad to help me nail it up.
I need to fess up to something. My past entries were quite harsh on them, and I apologize. It can be easy to complain and center on the negative in the high of an emotional state. And I feel like I've been quite melodramatic lately through these continued days of stress...months. 

They are wonderful people, who 'really are' trying their best to help me, even if at times there are things and methods I don't always agree with. They're wonderful people. God loves them. I love them. So I apologize and retract the negativity. Noted. :) After all, none of us are perfect, and we all need forgiveness. Even me. God have mercy on our souls in Jesus name, amen.

Food stamps card still not here today. I'm trying to keep my patience. lol.

10:51 p.m. Over six hours later. The night was mostly uneventful as far as drama goes. Anna kindly took me up to wal-Mart and we got the big white board as well as the chicken dinner.

:) Dinner went okay and afterwards, Dad helped me screw the board to the wall and I set about organizing as many notes as I felt I needed on there, and by now it's looking quite full. I can't share a picture of it on the internet because it contains 'very' personal information but, I'm very thankful to God to have a place where all my thoughts, goals, finances, and stuff are all in one front and center space. I got everything done on my goal list for the day, except for SL or blurb stuff..because I just wasn't down for it.

OH! And it turns out DMK didn't reset my progress as I assumed. I saw, what I kinda call the 'splash screen of doom' which is simply the intro you usually only see when you first download and play the game. But no, it was just DMK refunding some event currency that was owed from a recent glitch. So that's a big relief.

I'm still glad I stopped spending money on it, cause, over 200 dollars is more than I should've spent on any game, in microtransactions lol. No, thanks. Gotta adult now. :P

Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Busier Today. Plenty of Grumbling. More Benefit Trials.

4:32 p.m. Now having to include online work training courses (41 hours required a month) and a job search site (39 searches required a month) my days have gotten just a bit busier. I got in over two hours of work training courses, mostly about email in the workplace, and I did seven job searches and four new job applications...and FINALLY making a resume. I'm a little buzzed in the brain. And I must make this a routine, for tomorrow.

This is on top of normal daily routine, which is falling behind, including chores.

Mom made a nice offer to help out with my phone bill, ($10) which Dad was none too pleased about.

I think he views this (and Anna might, too, given the recent argument over this small matter) as me trying to squirm out of adult responsibility. Which they are of the position that there are some things they just don't want me having outside help on.

But that's just my personal opinion. She offered. Because I'm opening up more to my family and that means talking about my current issues, she offered to be of help, cause she's my Mom. :)

And if she doesn't, that's okay. I got SL funds coming in, God willing, tomorrow, so I can just pay for it on my own then and we can get past all this business. God willing.

Can you see me? :)

To be honest, this whole situation is...well, I cringe to think this...and I could be wrong about my own emotions so I just gotta let it out anyway, cause I'm tired of the stupid thoughts, yes the 'stupid' ones, repeating themselves in my head.

I'm worried in the future I may be 'less' inclined to talk about things especially financial things, with Dad and Anna.

As they tend to be very strong enforcers of their opinions, things based on their own viewpoints, on how I should handle my money. And this can tend to leave what looks like a little matter into a big matter and just kinda blows up all over me into situations I'm just never gonna win due to being outnumbered.

i.e. me wanting to get Aaliyah a computer (where this whole war over my finances kinda began) where they were of the opinion that I shouldn't be buying things like that.

And imo, 'I'm' of the opinion that where and why and whom to and how I give to should be my decision alone. And my business.

And Dad is of the viewpoint that serving my needs should come before others, and that's not...

..not really the way a Christian is taught to live.

Not that I never fall short of it, everyone does, but I should be allowed to choose my opportunities to do so and not forced out of them.

Hopefully this is no offense to my Dad. Not what I want. I'm sorry, God. >.>

And then that led to another argument about how I wasn't paying for my phone bill with the money or my own personal expenses this whole time. Reminder that this said cash wasn't in my bank account, and still isn't, but in the form of game currency on SL.

And it costs three dollars, or more, depending how much, per cash conversion. So the more saved up, the less money I lose.

Granted, in their defense, yes I should spend my money I do get on more important things.

SL doesn't make a lot of money over a short period of time for me, so it takes a long time for me to gather enough if I'm gonna meet a decent amount of my needs. And granted, by this time, I did have enough, I just wasn't ready to cash it in...and was rather pushed into it by them both in order to spare myself any more of this fighting.

In that kind of circumstance, in some low hindsight, my SL money wasn't entirely in my control and entirely in my decision. I was pushed to it, and I didn't like that...cause that' thing. My business. My hobby. That I didn't want anyone else's involvement in.

But it's also pushed to the point that IT 'FEELS' LIKE they don't seem to want me to have any outside help on certain things, even if it was offered me in the first place. Like if they're not gonna help me out on something, no one should be either, because they need to make me do it myself. And if someone is gonna help me where they don't want to, it doesn't have a pleasant reaction.

Ergo, why more and more I'm feeling less like I can be open with them about things regarding my finances in the future. Because they are making what I want my business, and my business alone, to be their business and inserting their authority over it, and...

...forgive me. I have a lot of stupid unfair thoughts. Just letting them out, anyway.

...I worry it risks sucking the fun out of something I genuinely enjoy as a hobby and a small job. When someone wants to come in and inadvertently take over (i.e. push me) regarding what I do with what I gain from that job based on their own personal viewpoints and ideas for me, it's a bit much.

>.> Oi.

Sure, I could easily quit just to take that power away, so I can ensure no one has that decision power, even me, (ergo so such a problem cannot possibly exist anymore) but that seems a bit of a big and ridiculous move. And too hard to come back from.

Now that I got the ranting and whining and selfishness and the stupidity out, I need to see this from the hindsight as well. Even IF I think they aren't going about it the right way and it's a way I have no choice to conform to as per living in room and board from them:

  • They only want me to learn how to be and act like an adult. And act responsibly. Not spend recklessly, and yes, have to be forced handle some things on my own. Adults have to deal with and do the unpleasant things all the time.
I'm just not a big fan of forcing me into a decision, where I'm only making the decision to reduce conflict, and not just because I've seen that's what I'm supposed to do. It was all too 'pushed' for my liking. 

And when someone offers to help, of their own initiative, and I'm being made to feel like that shouldn't be given me, that doesn't do anything to improve my personal growth either.

Oi. Life these days.

In short, things have gotten a little overbearing and I'd kinda like that to change. 

I believe yes, I can learn responsibility, especially money responsibility, and that sometimes I will have to be left to fend for things on my own, but it'd be nice if it came from some positive enforcement rather than a negative place. Cause otherwise it turns into what my brain's been, shamefully, doing, lately.

Bitter talking in my head, mumbling, grumbling, complaining, resentments, stupid thoughts etc. Thoughts that should be replaced with reflections of learned lessons from realizing I did what I was supposed to do. :) I think that part's up to me, but all the drama, which I find hard to let go right now, makes that transition quite a bit harder.

I like that this is a safe place for me to clear my head. I liked writing it out. Even the stupid thoughts..the ones that even I know don't stem from a place of reasoning. Cause I'm sooo very tired of them repeating. I needed to let them out. No feedback needed.

I love my family but as far as I know, none of them know this blog exists, and I LOVE that. Cause, frankly, my thoughts could stir up a WHOLE pot of trouble and drama this girl doesn't need in her life.`

10:32 p.m. Alright. Six hours later. I'm in bed. I can't sleep. I'm a mix of happy and sad. The latter of which will surely pass.

So! I got what I needed to pay my phone bill. However, there was no 10 dollar plan, though Dad insisted there HAD to be one.

And he insisted on calling, while I insisted on relying on the web. We argued a little bit over it and I just kinda quit in frustration and decided to just get a Boost Mobile card or something...

And for some reason it just hit me. Safelink. I got approved for food stamps and I qualify for a free government phone! :o WHY didn't I think of it earlier? I guess it kinda took facing a $35 phone bill, which I was 'this' close to paying (and avoiding all I can to deal with 'monthly' charges' for my overdraft phobia) for one.

Yes, I have a very real overdraft phobia. I'm NOT a fan of auto-monthly payment anything. lol. Gives me massive anxiety just to think of doing it. Talk about the realities of adulting...

So, anyway. I applied. Since food stamps are approved, the application was easily over and approved as well. Praise and thank the Lord!!

So I'm a mix of jubilation and not past the fact that things got tense between Dad and I tonight, though we're pretty cool now. The feeling just kinda..lingers.

More to the food stamp news, I only just realized I don't have a full month to fulfill my requirements. 

I have about 14 days, since it's in the middle of the month.

39 job searches. (32 now) and I did a resume and 4 new job apps today and 38 ish hours left of an online job training course, to be completed by the 30th. It's tough, but doable, and it's what I must do to keep my benefits (which took a month alone to happen) unless God decides to finally let me have employment, Him willing.

By the way, my food stamp card is not here because it got sent to the wrong address..somehow. So I have it coming to THIS address, my address, and I'm on the lookout for that to finally come in this week. This whole time I've won benefits and have been working to keep them, but I can't even use them yet. Imagine that, lol. Now, that and the new 'working' phone. God is blessing. In Jesus name. And definitely putting a trial of patience in my life, a quality I think I'm severely lacking. lol.

P.S. Congrats to my Uncle Pat! I found out tonight at dinner he's due to have another little one, my new cousin. And here's me yet again writing about yet another pregnancy announcement that I hope leads to me casually speaking of the kid in the future. lol. As has happened to several little ones in my family, already. Praying for safe pregnancy. Praise and thank the Lord! <3 Woot!

Monday, July 15, 2019

Dramatic Weekend

12:26 p.m. I had a mostly dramatic weekend, that can probably be summed up like this:

Basically, there was a lot of butting heads.

Dad and Anna learned I had Secondlife money, which at first I was gonna use to replace the breaking laptop I'd given Aaliyah. I decided against it. Then a bit later, I had realized that my appointment (mandatory to keep food stamps) is on a Tuesday, which neither Dad nor Anna could take me to. My phone bill is lapsed, so right now I have no phone to call out to people.

I initially refused to call to change the appointment, wrongfully believing they wouldn't. When I realized I could, I asked Dad if I could borrow his phone on Monday (today) to make the call to change the appointment. He said no, I need to cash in my Secondlife funds and turn my phone on myself, and do it then.

Cashing in Secondlife funds is a process. It takes days. If I cash it in on a weekend, which I did, I could usually expect it around late on Monday. However, I'd need to have the money in my bank AND go through the process of getting my phone turned back on, all before being able to call the call center in their business hours with Monday being the deadline to call them...even in the chance my call could go straight to a voicemail sometimes anyway.

So that was a big argument. After some crying and venting, I sucked it up and cashed out the funds, which was on a late Saturday, by now. Because anyone I vented to was of the agreed consensus that I should pay for it myself, because that's part of being an adult. I can definitely see that.

However, due to the time crunch, I 'really' needed to borrow Dad's phone, to ensure I could make this call to change the appointment and get it over with.

He finally relented and agreed. That 'should' have been the end of it.

Then Anna and I got into it on another matter. There seems to be a misunderstanding that SL makes a decent amount of money. Over a long period, yes. Over short periods, no. Basically she was upset at me for sitting on this money, instead of using it to buy necessities, which up until now she'd been buying for me. I had basically read it in the sense that doing this made me selfish and a financial burden to her because they aren't doing so well right now.

And I made kind of the harsh reply that if I'm being a financial burden, I needed to leave.

Here's the thing. On top of the fact that SL doesn't make me a lot of money in a short time, every time I cash out, there is an average of a three dollar fee. The more often I cash out, the more money I lose, the less money I have in the end that I earned. She..doesn't know this and though I explained it to Dad, I never got around to explaining it to her.

Anyway, after all this arguing, I took a long walk in a cemetary up the road and just let myself cry from all this stress and exhaustion. I didn't want to stay and keep arguing. I prayed, which helped. Came back and sat on the back steps and threw around the crazy idea of just waiting for a day when no one was home, packing a bag, and disappearing, And then I quietly returned. After which I talked to Dad about the fight her and I had.

I expected she'd come home [she'd been out grocery shopping] angry, she didn't come back until a long while after, but she didn't. Everything seemed strangely fine. We did, civilly, talk it out in the kitchen later, during which I apologize for my attitude.

I've been under a crazy amount of stress since the move. The bulk of it being around anything that had to do with food stamps, in hindsight, which, by the way, after over two weeks they still haven't sent my card.

Sunday went okay. Not much to tell there. FIVE14. Took the day off. Anna had another night of going through her life's story, lol.

And by Monday, Dad was took sick to go to work, so he was here, with his phone. Turns out they can't move appointments to Wednesdays or Fridays, which would work for Dad and Anna, so we have to go today, being there around 2:30 p.m.

I don't know how long it's gonna take or what it's gonna consist of. I just know it's mandatory. Thank God we can get this over with, at least for now. I'll have to do another one if I can't find a job. And this is all for food stamps I can't even touch yet, to date.

I never heard back from that Winn Dixie job, so I am still yet unemployed. Thinking of calling back Dollar Tree and see if my application 'finally' came in.

P.S. It seems DJ, Mom, and Maranda really enjoyed their trip and are coming back today. <3

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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