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Thursday, April 18, 2019

Hinting at Productivity.

12:18 p.m. April’s in one of her low moods today. Which ðŸ˜Ž✝️✝️isn’t that great. The picture says it all.


Still, I could use the company. 

Been thinking too much..in general. About my future. Had a night without my bad thoughts ðŸ’­again, so that’s great.



Going to spend an hour and a half now with her outside Publix while we wait on her prescriptions to be filled. 

I could go browse shops to pass the time but honestly, I’d rather not just leave her sitting by herself, even if she wouldn’t mind. 

At least I’m blogging this on my iPod. I need to not browse YouTube so much while I’m here since my iPod may DIE as a result. Ya know?

I slept until early afternoon and then we got breakfast at Mcdonalds. Sausage McMuffin and a large water. I need to drink more water, for sure.

I got my day started by making my bed and played a bit of DMK. Then joined her on the Publix trip which, by the way, I didn’t know was gonna take this long but hey.

Also, April wants to sleep. I suggested the truck but she said it’s too hot. 

We also recently just got here. ðŸ™ƒ

I like life’s little, very little, adventures though. 

12:45 p.m. Tried to sit outside with April while I brushed up on my German practice for today but there was a leaf blower going on outside so I needed to move in and get it done.

Heading back out there now that I finished. Pray for me, in Jesus Name! ðŸĪ˜ðŸŧ✌️✝️ðŸĪ—😍ðŸĪŠ❤️ðŸĪ·‍♂️ðŸĪ·ðŸŧ‍♀️

Also, my iPod is officially dying.

Nvm. April’s returning here. ðŸ˜‚

1:03 p.m. Leaving! That went by faster than expected. Only took around an hour, instead of an hour and a half.

1:24 p.m. Home and need a few minutes to relax. ðŸ˜‚

1:39 p.m. I have a few projects in mind I'd like to take care of. One of them maybe being a new SL release for the first time in a long while. At least God is currently blessing my sales. :))) That'll help with the Ohio saving. 

I need to update my blurb book with the entries and OOHHH is there a LOT of them to cover! I'm WEEKS behind and there quite a bit of long entries to deal with..since this whole month has been really impactful on my life and future. 



I want to get my exercise in. Ideally, start training my body to be able to handle trekking longer and longer distances over time. A skill I'm confident I'd find useful in the case of me being on my own in Ohio. With some flat bike tire and potentially miles of highway to drift to get to what I need. Let's be real, even if I do get to drive, I'm not seeing me having the spare expenses for a car. And anyway, what better way to practice doing it than in the blazing hot Florida sun, hmm?


1:52 p.m. OH! And it turns out I may not need to involve the hassle of flying, after all. IF I can save up the extra gas money, April could drive me to Ohio WITH my bike and maybe a little more necessities than I originally planned (i.e. Just a little more than what I could carry on my back, still not planning on taking a ton of possessions.)

2:26 p.m. Back from a decent brief walk. Taking 10 minutes a day to at least do excerise seems like a nice small start to health/productivity/preparation goals. Lol. Break time. Hoping to getting around to updating my blurb book today.

God bless. Jesus loves, lives, saves. All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to the mighty God on the highest forever and ever. God is able to do abundantly above all we ask or think! In Jesus name, amen!

3:41 p.m. Got as far as updating the blurb book by 13 pages. Still not finished. I got 4-5 more entries to go before it's done. But for now. I need a break, bruh. Maybe even a food.

Speaking of! April wants to start doing meal planning. We'll see how long this lasts and how she decides to do it, etc. Either way, I'm all for it. Just hope it can be done in a way we can agree with. 

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Recovery Mode

2:52 p.m. I didn't sleep well last night. My mind got to me. I didn't go to sleep until early morning hours. After the sun was up. And..I woke up around 10ish, woken up by April, and I was clearly tired and slightly cranky. I tried to get out of going to therapy until next day, but April lectured me on Discord. I didn't feel like putting up any argument, so we went.

Thankfully, she's been in a more pleasant mood, lately. And the last thing I need to do is spoil that.

So, we got there. Got me put in the system and then were asked to come back at noon to see if there was an opening, cause I can only do walk in. So we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff. April also kindly got me a curtain rod and some white envelopes I needed for a cash stash for this Ohio fund.

We went back and then waited at the office until after 1 p.m. only to be told there was no room for me. So I'm rescheduled for the 23rd as an actual appointment, though under the name of a walk-in, and that means I'll actually get to seeing someone.

I also had finally told my Mom about Rob moving out and my desire to move to Ohio and live on my own. Days ago. She only just saw the message and the reaction was just as I expected, fear and worry, because it's not believed I can be ready to live on my own.


To be fair, I'm really not. Not right now. I can't drive. Have no savings. No job. I've never lived on my own before or paid my own bills. I don't even have a set plan on where I'll live when I get to Ohio or how to afford it. Let's just be real.

BUT I've got two years to prepare what I need, and all the determination and confidence I can muster. In addition to my plucky attitude. Even though I do wish people would be as little worried about my own future as I am. I'm not afraid, since I'm confident that I can do this, knowing that this is something I REALLY can't put off.

She's the only family member who knows about this. And for now, I'm keeping it that way. At the moment, I can deal with one family being fearful for my life, but not the entire family. Not right now.

God's got me. Like, totally.

Best I can do right now about that is not say anything, and if I have to, certainly DON'T LIE. :)

On the level though, I omitted the fact that I intended on using 'camping' as my temporary living situation upon arriving. She was worried and scared enough as it is, as understandably a mother would be. Let's not compound that with my outrageous plan. Lol.

And instead I told her that after I leave the Ohio airport, what happens yet is as of yet, undecided.

I do have to ease people into this, ya know.

But it's actually true. I don't know what abilities/finances/circumstances will have changed between the me of now and the 'me' of two years later. We know it's God's path that prevails. If I really, and truly, work very hard to change and get my life and my responsibilities together like it's expected of me, I could manage a great deal of success. 

If I want to set out to do what I hope to do, by leaving the nest and going it on my own, and God willing get the emotional support I need, I can't afford to take the preparations lightly.

She's planning on seeing me this weekend, by the way. I am expecting this will be a topic of concerning conversation. >.> Like I said, in her defence, I'm 'not' ready to live on my own right now. So it's hard to imagine me doing that. Preparing is going to take a great deal of time. Well, cramming it into two years, anyway.

Words won't convince her, or anyone else, in my opinion. Actions and results will.

I do hope to get a job. Thinking of applying to Taco Bell since they're hiring. Or getting on social security, depending on what the therapist thinks I should do. God only knows. Either way, that's some sort of income to push towards savings, which I'd be very fortunate to have enough to put away in preparation for the big day. Since Rob takes care of most of the expenses, for now, around here.

I just think....you know. It's about time. I'm a grown woman. I need to learn to take on grown responsibilities. In fact, that time's a bit overdue. Not everyone is gonna be there to take care of me for the rest of my life. I feel the overwhelming 'need' to prepare to make it without a dependent.

Sigh. What a couple weeks it's been, huh? Getting from one mindset of little motivation to all this. In Jesus name, Amen.

3:33 p.m. *Hopes every month is as progressive as this one has been for the next two years* lol.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

Wilkommen

1:43 p.m. At Polk County healthcare with April while she’s here to get a low income health plan. Meanwhile, I’ve been discussing with her Ohio plans and what’s the most efficient way for me to last on my own once I’m dropped off there, with nothing but what’s on my back.

First off, shelter wise. Find a campsite. Set up. Live there cheap.

She’ll take me as far as Missouri, and I can take a much cheaper plane ride to Ohio from THERE. Preferably booked weeks in advance. 

She’ll also teach me the survival skills that she’s so passionate about. Like setting up my own tent and air mattress, and ideally being able to carry it in my bag.

Another thing would be to get me a P.O. Box so an address is set up for me to get a job. 

Get job. Make money. Save up. Get a real place. Boom. Adulthood. :P Ideally. 

It’d take a lot of roughing it though, which I’m okay with cause to me, this is literally going to be an adventure.

Going to Church is somewhere in there. Just have to work it out the way it sound out, I guess.

I definitely need to get in better shape though cause I need to be able to physically handle the trials of this journey. 

I spent my morning setting up daily tasks and a paper for streaks. So I’m hopefully hopping back on the productivity train. :) So that’s something.

This is all so important, though. Cause adulting is coming at me like an oncoming train. ðŸ˜‚

3:00 p.m. Okay. So we got that out of the way. Then went to Peace River and have begun the process of trying to get me on therapy. So praying that works out. ✌️ðŸĪ˜ðŸŧ😂

For the most part, I consider myself a happy go lucky, plucky positive person. Happy shiny. But there are times where I think I really need the help, namely that I have a habit of ‘slipping’ into my major problem.

Erratic sleep issues. Etc. 

Yay for the productivity train.

Now, hopefully, getting some good food and then going home!! :)

4:07 p.m. We got Taco Bell. 

I've finally figured out, with April's help, how I can break the news of the sudden move to Ohio to my family. And I don't think it’d be like I’m lying or anything..

...Backpacking. Camping. A 'living off the grid' adventure. :) 

Which is essentially what I’ll be doing, just living in the woods temporarily until I can obtain an income for proper housing..like a trailer park. Sounds like a plan. I like it! And I got two years or so to prep, so...
Awesome.

4:30 p.m. Just went out with April to Rick’s house so she couple pick up a few garden tools and drop off a large shovel.

I’m happily exhausted. At this point, my to-do list today can be put off for tomorrow.

The streak is really supposed to start in May, but I can take it in advance if I want. For now, I’ve got my happy little wall setup for tracking and re-affirmation purposes, which I want to take a picture of, too.

4:57 p.m. Okay. So maybe I  following this list today, after all. Praise and thank the Lord for productivity. Am I right? :) 

Monday, April 15, 2019

Getting Our Act Together: Part Two

12:37 a.m. I've given myself a two year deadline. Two years to save up $1,040. Minimum. That doesn't sound like a huge whole amount to some, I think, but given my own circumstances, that's kind of a big number to me. Especially considering the spending habits I'd grown accustomed to over the years.

30 years old almost feels a little late to be starting this adulting stuff. I feel like that should've maybe been expected of me around 10 years ago, but at least it's finally starting to fall into place.

Better late than never.


So here it is. My idea. And it's just an idea. A wish. A goal. Cause we know that though a plan is put in place, it's God path that prevails, so let's just bear that in mind. Even be a bit hypothetical, if you will. Seriously, when has someone ever had their plan go exactly as they intended? :P

Anyway. The BIG plan.


  • I spend two years setting aside just ten dollars a week, at minimum. This is outside of tithes. :) Cause ya gotta trust God to your finances and circumstances, you know? And I miss doing it, anyway. :P These savings will go towards my future trip. That special day I'm now waiting for where I leave this part of my life behind, and move into the next stage, and follow God.


  • When our day comes, I want to pack up only what I can carry with me. Basic clothes, laptop, iPod, (I don't use a phone so I need social media to let family know I'm okay) a small blanket/pillow, money, important documents, family photos in a ziploc baggie, USBs, and toiletries. The rest gets left behind. I would also rather not have the huge extra baggage fees. And have too much weight to carry because I anticipate I'll be walking a LOT!


I've already asked April how to pack 'survivalist style' which is a thing she has a huge passion for, so she's more than thrilled to teach me.



  • April takes me to the airport. She drops me off. We say our goodbyes. And this is where we may part ways for God knows how long. Cause she's planning on going to a completely different state and a completely different life after this point. We spent initially four years apart, then lived together for the past five years, so....this'll be..something. I imagine we probably won't see each other again for a very long time. Though we'll keep in touch, as we always did. 



  • I also imagine that if I don't end up taxiing/Uber, I'd bunk up the nerve and determination to simply walk. And I'll need to be able to carry what I have over long distances. This also means I should probably pick up my slack in fitness in the meantime to prepare myself for such a venture.


  • Find shelter. Somewhere. Whether it be a hotel, motel, or some good kind samaritan finds me walking on the side of the road and lets me spend the night.


It'd probably be in my best interest to wait it out at the airport a bit after arriving, and map out where I'd want to head to next and how much I'd be willing to spend. Or even doing this before I leave Florida, obvs.


  • Once I find an overnight shelter, take the day to rest. Recharge from the long day, and for the long days ahead.


  • Trek to a store. Buy a bicycle (helmet, light) and save my feet. :P Funny as it sounds, biking is a lot easier for me than walking. It requires a little more exertion, but I find it less tedious because it's a lot less time spent in a state of bodily stress and can get me over longer distances, quicker.


  • Find a nearby homeless shelter/halfway house. Something that would take in a non-alcoholic/non-druggie, like myself. Preferably one that offers job training or placement.


  • Find a way to keep up my hygiene. Yah know, in case the halfway house/shelter thing don't work out, at the very least I could keep up appearances to get a job.


  • Get job training/get a job. This is a must. I'd have to find a way to do it somehow, and wait until I've been in Ohio long enough to file for new non-Florida identification. I'd also have to hope I can have direct deposit to my bank...cause I'd really like to keep my current bank. But if that has to change, I would cross that bridge when I get to it.

I should hope that some manager will take pity on me for being a long way from my normal home, and being  homeless, and in desperate need of an income to survive.


  • Save for my own place. Homeless shelters probably weren't meant for a permanent place, just a placeholder, until I could get into an actual home of my own. Apartment. Small trailer in a trailer park. Something. :P


And from there the other normal trials of adulthood can take place.

And of course, find a way to get to FIVE14 Church on a regular basis. :P

God has a plan, though. I'm just being hypothetical here, maybe even a bit dramatic or over-estimating of my abilities.

In any case, I've had it pretty easy these past few years and that special time has come where I really need to get out on my own and experience that independence everyone needs to have at some point.

Eh. I'm pretty sure this can be mulled over in free-writing exercises, too.

I don't think any of that really scares me, to be honest. Maybe my worst fear is the chance of a kidnapping, or worse. Off a highway. I am a young woman, so I'd have to be very careful. Wary.

What actually scares me is..I don't know how I'm gonna tell my family.

Like, the only response I can imagine is them getting freaked out, and me feeling so guilty that I force myself to stay and not go through with this plan, which I intended to make me face the world and grow up.

And they worry because they love me that much, don't get me wrong. Nobody wants to see anything happen to me.

But even at my age, I'm still probably not seen as mature enough to handle something so big, to them. At least that's how I imagine they see me. I'm pretty much feeling like the baby of the family, and that the idea of me going out into the big old world without someone else tagging along may scare them. A lot.

Sigggghhhhhhh.


I don't drive. I don't pay bills. I've never lived by myself before. Or traveled alone before. I'm kind of a late bloomer to this adulthood responsibility thing. So again. I don't really blame them if they'll be worried.

I'M WORRIED that while I may have all the confidence and bravado in the world to do this, that once I come out about it to my family, as I said, they'll freak out (out of fear for my own safety, which is natural) and that'll hold me back from pursuing the dream I decided I wanted to take. So I'd choose to stay and not move forward the way I wanted.


Especially considering this is what I'm intending on doing:

Dropping almost all of my possessions, packing up a bag, and leaving to another state where I don't know anyone. (Except maybe Mike's family, but even then not very well at all) Without a car. Without a home already prepared and waiting for me. Without someone to lean on there. Trekking. Wandering. Alone. In the big old world out there. That...is scary. 



I'm okay with it it. Personally. Crazy as it sounds. This is my own adventure to me. Trials. Newness. Walk with God. But reasonably, I doubt they would be as thrilled.

PART of me wished I could just wait until the day I'm on the plane and be like 'Well, I guess I should mention this. I'm moving to Ohio. Like, right now. I'm on the plane.'


That'd be too big of a bombshell to drop on their heads, out of nowhere, to be honest. It'd be unfair.

And yes, I care what other people think. I love them and of course, I want them to be happy with me. I'm a 'people pleaser' type.

The question is whether or not I'm willing to give up the dream I've decided to pursue, because someone else is too afraid of me doing it?

That's the struggle at the moment.

This, to me, is also part of my walk with God. I'm trusting Him all the way here. I FINALLY, after all these years, found a Church I want to join. One I agree with. One I'd love to attend, be a member, and stand with. All the way. But of course, they're in Ohio. I'm in Florida.

The whole point of this pilgrimage, as I guess that's kinda what this, is to get to go to that Church. In person. That's the whole point of going to Ohio, if you can believe it. Church.


The reason I'm leaving my family, and the life I made here, behind...is to go to that Church. That's what I've decided I wanted to do. And the thought of doing it makes me happy.

I think that's another thing I'd have a tough time making my family understand. That I would go all that way, from Florida to Columbus, Ohio, just to attend a church I like. Lol.

So yeah, in short. I'm not afraid of going, but I am afraid that they're gonna be too afraid for me. And that their fear will keep me back from the thing I wanted to do.

I should probably throw this out there. I REALLY should not be worrying so much about the future. This isn't happening tomorrow, or the next day. Whenever God decides it'll be go time, it'll be go time. If He wills it, He'll make a way. I'll go confidently, humbly, I hope, rather. God be with me, in Jesus name.


So! Anyway. In the meantime, I feel like I need to prepare myself. Physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. And I'm really gonna have to buckle down on my finances. The time for fun spending needs to kinda, come to an end, so I can save. So I can tithe as I need. So this can happen and I'll be okay. I also need to prove to myself that I can be a responsible adult.

2:23 a.m. Just gotta say these past couple weeks have been extremely transformative. Just looking over these entries and where my mind has been this month REALLY puts that in perspective. Ya know?

Getting Our Act Together.

6:45 a.m. So yesterday was the biggest day I'd experienced in a while.

Rob moved out to go live with his girlfriend, Dawn. I've moved into his old room.

And April and I sat down and had the long and hard talk about the fact that the time is coming up pretty soon, maybe in the next year or two, where we're ALL gonna go our separate ways. She has a friend she wants to be able to help out, one I don't know and who wouldn't be comfortable living with me. And I'm certainly not going to stand in her way.

Both of us, in our own ways, are unprepared for living on our own right now, individually.

Thankfully, Rob said he's still gonna pay the bills here, but we're not planning on staying too long to make him pay for a house he no longer lives in. This is now officially just a temporary holding place until we have what we need, or at least until April does...to move out.

We want to use the time to get our act, our lives, and our savings together and prepare the for the real world we're supposed to face as thirty-year old adults.

I'll admit. I cried. I had a brief moment of fear that for the first time in my life I was gonna be well and truly, alone and on my own. No more friends around. April and Rob were it.



I didn't want to go back to living with my family. Much as I love them, (And I forgive the past) the environments in their homes are a bit volatile compared to the warm and safe shell that is this place.

I don't drive. Because people were either too afraid to teach me or those that weren't didn't get around to it. April isn't, and she wants to do it.

I have no savings. If I count SL, I have a bit over fifty dollars to my name. I need to start a savings fund, but this is also a time where I've planned to start tithing as well, so I'm gonna be trusting God with that. Both my circumstances, and my finances. :)

And I would need to get serious about my saving my money. To stop spending it on the fun stuff.

We've had our few years of fun and carefree time here, but the time has come for us both to get very serious about our adulthood.

Ultimately, my goal is to make it to Columbus, Ohio someday. I've finally found a church I want to be a part of and I'd really like to regularly attend it in person. I'm gonna trust God to make a way, if He so wills it. In the meantime, I'd have to put in the work.

Which is another thing.

Work. Me not having a job right now. I've applied to places around here before, but have been turned down or they say they aren't hiring at the time.

They're opening up a new Burger King in town, but I'm reluctant to apply. My time with McDonalds had a lot of low points. And I'd ultimately realized I couldn't sacrifice my happiness for money. Not sure I still could. I don't want to be left sitting in the stall again, sobbing.

Realistically, Secondlife doesn't make all that much money. I can save what I could from there, but it certainly wouldn't be enough for a home. Part of me wishes I could build one of those 'tiny' houses or something, cause I think I'd do well with one of those. I happen to like small spaces.

I could write, but that's also really hard, to get a book made, edited, published, and sold. Doable, but very difficult. I'd have to buckle down and stick with it, God willing.

Ideally, I'd like to find someone to spend my life with and settle in with them and start a family. But, I don't exactly feel in a hundred percent control of making that happen. It takes two people.

I've got a couple years to get ready...cause this is real. We'll 'have' to leave here at some point in the future, which is closing in on us at this point, and go live our own new and different lives.

I really, normally, try not to be worried about the future. Cause it doesn't do any good to do so. I mean, it happens. But I prefer not to be. Cause I trust God and I know that He works everything out in the end if I follow Him. :) I'm just kinda weighing things right now, whether or not they mean anything. :P

I took up the brief notion of taking the nomadic route. It hit me. Giving up a lot of my possessions. Take only what I can carry with me, enough money for a plane ride, (APRIL could drive me to the airport, no one else) and just show up in Ohio on my own with a little money in my pocket..maybe even hit up a homeless shelter.


But that feels a bit dramatic. Doable, but dramatic. Ugh. That sounds so poetic. Sorry. Hahaha. My family would worry for me, for sure. I don't know. Maybe it's an option. Life can get interesting.

Wow, I'm actually considering that. Last resort kinda thing. Maybe I should? ............. if I'm that determined to follow my heart.

Huh.

Last resort it is. 

No, seriously. My heart is totally settling that in right now as an option. Cause..I trust that much God would be with me. And honestly, it sounds like some kind of eye-opening adventure.

I wouldn't mind going that far to get to Columbus, Ohio. I think. Especially to go to that Church. :) I think my heart for the moment (without being in that moment) is romanticizing it, a journey many in this world may have undertaken. And hopefully it'd be a pleasant one.

:))) God has a plan for my life, we'll leave it at that.

At least some shelters exist with job placement or training and whatnot, so that's cool.

At the same time, I'm pretty sure my family would worry, nor would they be thrilled/approving of the idea of me ending up in a homeless shelter...which isn't a bad thing by the way, if that's where I'll have to be. It's nothing really shameful. It's just an option there for those that need it.

Again, we are talking a last resort here.

There's needs to be a backup plan. And maybe even a backup plan for a backup plan. Like, i.e. going to back to one of my family's houses, after all. Cause like I said, this looks like it's happening.

So in short, the reality of adulthood just came crashing into my world yesterday. No savings. No job. Can't drive. Totally single. Real world, here I come. Life's little adventure, it is. In Jesus name, amen!


*Briefly wonders what she'd do with all her journals if she plans to secretly flee Florida*

But again, MAYBE this should kind of be a 'last resort/fallout' plan. 

The whole 'dropping off my possessions here and heading to the Ohio church' thing. I still want to gather up plenty of savings. Still wanna tithe and plan to, but yeah. All of a sudden I feel better. I feel a dream coming on. :))) I feel a bit of weight off my shoulders, to be honest.

7:30 a.m. It looks like I'd need a few hundred bucks to make the move to Ohio. If I were to, ya know, only pack up what I can take on my back, and go. And two years or so is more than enough time, plenty more to save for that.

Okay, I'm...really. Really. Liking this plan. Uh...maybe I should do it? Like, main plan, wise? *shrug and smile* Life's short. Have an adventure. Live a story.

12:35 a.m. Today I hung out with April. I didn't do too much besides my laundry. My allergies had me in huge sneezing, burning, and leaking nose fits. The allergy meds didn't really work so much as they used to. BUT now that I am awake, I got just a little productive.

I tacked up two papers to my wall, both designed to motivate/inspire/track my new goals for this Ohio thing. Cause the more I thought about the idea, the more I liked it. And I think before I got into detail, this requires a whole new post.

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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