Tuesday, July 23, 2019

Long Obligatory Days.

9:36 a.m. So! Yesterday from 1:16 p.m. to 6:16 p.m. I did the online job training thing. And I've got another five hours to do today, and for the next five days after in order to meet my deadline. Supernatural marathon it is, lol. I got a few more job applications in this morning, so that's good.

This only goes on for as long as I remain unemployed. But whether or not that happens is only when God decides it's time I get that call that I got the job and Whatever he's got planned. Gotta plug the work in the meantime, though.

The day is early. I've started waking around 7ish lately, and then sleeping until 9 a.m. ish on purpose. So today I finally got out of bed around 7 a.m. instead, as it gives me just a couple more hours in the day to get done what I wanna get done. So! Let's get down to it. Five hours. Oi.

P.S. This also means my SL time has cut way way wayyyy down and there have been no new projects. I no longer have as much time for them and after five exhausting hours of that stuff, I'd feel a lot less energized to jump on it. Which is too bad because creative outlets are a great part of a healthy life. But yeah, not a lot of room for that. Thankfully, business has been decent so there's really no call to worry too much.

2:47 p.m. Finished my five hours for today. Though it's had it's share of unexpected drama.

Needless to say, I'm kicked into a state of depression again. Most of today's lessons had me in the learning mindset of 'I couldn't care less.' :/

Out of nowhere, Anna messages me to ask if I can babysit. I politely decline, because I'm on a tight deadline to get this stuff done and her and Dad come down on me. I sob. I cry. I feel low the rest of the day, because crying even once leaves my body in a depressed state in the rest of the day.

After enduring both her and Dad ignoring my messages after that, I finally gave her what she wanted and agreed to it. Although it's gonna come with it's new set of challenges.

I have to find CPR training. -_- So that means finding a place, calling, working out transportation, certification, and just a whole mountain of stuff I really don't want to deal with in my life right now.

And I'll be honest. I don't even 'want' to babysit. Regularly. We all know my history with it in past journals and honestly I'd be okay if I never had to do it all again in my life. I'm literally only doing it to please others and not myself.

That's what most things just seem to come down to. I have to go through things I don't want to go through, because it's what others want me to do, not what I want for myself. And I'll pretty much do anything to stay out of conflict.

I don't want to be 'the babysitter.' I don't want to be 'the nanny.' Everyone else wants that for me but myself. It's been that way as long as I can remember and most of the time I just wanted out. Because it always came down to me just being ready to be 'done.'

And I have to grow up. Suck it up. And just go the things I don't want to do, and do what everyone else wants me to do, because apparently that's just what adulthood is.

Is it too much to ask to be allowed to make a decision on my own, without being guilted into making the decision some else wants for me? Can I not be privileged to that position? Cause it certainly doesn't feel like it.

There's no one that could get that. How tired I am. What exactly I've gone through that affects the way I view and decide things. Rationally or irrationally, I don't know. I'm just so tired and so lonely and sometimes I just want to be 'done.'

Not in that suicidal kind of way, never that. I know for certain 'It always get better.' As bad as things get and feel, it always gets better. And that's worth sticking out for. Just until that point... I've got a lot going on and this is all just piling on what's already on my plate.

Why can't I choose what I want to do with my life if it's not hurting anyone? Why can't someone step back and just let me make a decision, and be supportive, even if it's not what they picked for me?

It'd certainly be nice if I could just be left to my original decision, get this work done and acclimate myself to it so I can actually enjoy my life. And I was just starting to get there. I 'wanted' to be there today and woke up ready to do that.

But no. Once again, someone has other ideas fo me, and if I don't do what they want me to do, then I'm upsetting them. And I'm tired of upsetting people. So thus, once again, I'm guilted out of what I want to do into something I don't want to do.

I'm having trouble dealing with that.

I'm tired of crying every other day. I'm trying my best and I'm tired of it not being good enough. I'm trying 'so' hard to adjust, to make the routine work, to get done what I need to get done. I don't think I can take on more than all this right now.

I just want to be allowed to say no. Without it being a problem. I want to be allowed to work out what's working best for me. Without being made to feel guilty for doing that. That's an important way to grow in my opinion and I'm not in that kind of place.

5:15 p.m. Not much has changed about the situation between the time I last wrote and now. I'm planning on going to Mom's this weekend and just finally get out of the house for a few days. Maybe that'll give me time to reset and deal, and God willing, focus in a more comfortable environment.

10:08 p.m. Some days you just need a really big hard. I did that today. God hears. I just..let it out.

Nothing was mentioned of the babysitting issue tonight. I didn't bring it up, nor did anyone else.

My physical body is still in a recovery state that it usually goes after crying. Sunken gut..ish. Slightly heavy burny eyes. Some shallow breathing here and there. Emotionally, I'm just maintaining. The issues are still there, I'm just a lot more calm about them than I was earlier.

I should sleep but a part of me doesn't want to. Just wants to do...something else. Sigh. But sleep is a smarter idea, at the same time.

Oh! And the girls chatted with me on Mom's phone tonight, so that was a bit of a highlight to my evening. <3 Bless their hearts. God love them. I do.

I also learned from Aaliyah, unfortunately, that little Harmony is actually blind in her right eye. It's wonderfully courageous that she's six years old and so positive about it. "I can see out of my left one, though!" she said, something to that effect.

God bless you all. Jesus saves. Good night. Hope for a happier tomorrow for me and you.

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