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Wednesday, July 31, 2019

Discomforts and Dreams

7:32 a.m. Yesterday, I finished up my SNAP hours for the month. :)



Not a lot of huge events as nothing involved me really leaving the house. Played Sims 4 over my remote desktop. Some job training from Mom herself early in the morning, and we ended the night with some 'awesome' taco bell. Including this amazing spicy steak burrito Mom got me. My body got rid of a lot of this junk food it got tired of eating...in a 'not' fun way.

I've been drinking more soda than usual.

I accidentally threw Bella's chew rope so hard and high it went sailing straight up to the roof.

Watched Kingdom Hearts 3 a bit last night with the kids.

Netflix with Mom. 

There was an incident last night where someone 'supposedly' ate Vicki's Ben and Jerry's ice cream and supposedly, no one was 'fessing up' to it. 
I certainly hadn't. 

The night before, Mike, Vicki's beau, got us these little mini ice cream pints and we enjoyed those. I enjoyed mine earlier in the day yesterday. But that was about it.

And when I told Mom, she re-checked the freezer and found it right there, uneaten and all.

There is an uncomfortable theme here where now and then, I stand a chance at getting blamed for something I didn't do. And it's not like I get yelled at or anything, it's just not a cozy feeling. 

And it's to the point where if I had made enough mistakes here, and only keep making more, I get a lot quieter about fessing up to it...bad as that sounds..cause honestly I don't have the thick skin for dealing with getting rebuked a number of times a day and I try to avoid it.

Happens to be another weakness of mine.

Like with someone not changing out the water bottles when taking one in the fridge, and outside of asking for one at some point, I'd mostly been avoiding them..(yet it was Aaliyah and I who bore Jami's frustration at it) 

I'm trying to avoid eating a lot of food that isn't mind to spare myself any drama..hence why I brought my own from home..which according to the ice cream incident manages to find me anyway, even if I go hide away from it.

I'm eager to write that I had an interesting dream. Kinda like a real 'dream' (real life ambition) within a dream (the sleep kind.) I think..someday..I might like to be an actress.

I catch myself now and then studying the emotions of other actors on screen when I watch. :P Little things like that. There's some inkling inside that this might be something I'd like to do. 

Not now. Not while I'm still young. Only to ensure no one's gonna have any interest in making me do any romantic scenes of any kind. 

But anyway, in the dream, did a scene with Jonathan Rhys Meyers and Mara Lane, and she was holding a baby but how they looked seemed indistinct, out of my focus. 

We were all standing outside. I didn't have any line by the way, but he was snarling some indistinct, maybe even silent words (mentally I was very focused on his facial expressions.)

For my part, I watched as I, in character, took one look at him like I was about to bawl, and walked off. No makeup. Hair up in a tight bun. Freckles being different than my real ones, but a very prominent feature.

Throughout the dream, while I was like, getting ready for a typical night of conversating and eating dinner with Dad and Anna, I was having a myriad of thoughts.


  • I could have a profile on IMDB now. I should make one, and make sure I'm listed on the cast credits. Cause I can't be listed if I don't have a profile.
  • Trying to remember if my scene, my one no-line scene, got cut from the film. More than likely.
  • Being at a point where this happened in a more far-off past and this was me just trying to recollect that time and the process I went through. 
  • Being insecure about the poor dental health of my teeth and wondering how I even got in the movie with it, or if that was why my scene was cut.
  • Insecurity about my physical appearance on screen.
So fast-forward through all of this. I somehow wind up in this room with some stuff set up to sell, kinda like holding a yard sale in a small storage unit. 

And there's this random guy there (scruffy gray, between 50-60, skinny, old clothes) and Jonathan Rhys Meyers. And..I think they were discussing acting. Having a family.

He was talking about fatherhood, as if it hadn't happened to him yet. Almost tearfully. Talking about what it might be like.

The guy also talked about family. I think he already had kids.

And I ended up with a dark-haired baby in my arms, bottle feeding her, throughout the rest of this dream. 

And I wound up talking about my accent. Which was a thought that came up more than once in the dream. How a Florida accent is a 'not quite' southern accent. Because it's in the south, but not quite southern. Therefore Floridians only have a hint of a southern accent mixed with a normal one.

Towards the end of the dream, I was still feeding the baby. However, and this may get complex, there was a large bowl on top of her face (with a hole in the bottom for the hold) and the bottle was feeding her through this. And the bottle itself was covered by plant matter like soil and lots of small stones that filled the bowl.


Then Mom arrived. She had a kid with her, I can't recall who. I introduced her. Passed off the baby. And then shook their hands, with the baby suddenly gone. 

As I was leaving, lifting up the driver's seat to climb in the back, I woke up.


And a moment later, awake, Bella got loose and she's an 'extremely' hyper puppy and jumped all over my face. Kind of a rude awakening. So I stayed in bed a few moments longer trying to compose myself and get ready to have a 'nice' morning. And this morning, so far, is going alright. Although, regaining energy is a bit harder than it used to be.

Today, at an appropriate hour, I need to call my case worker and ensure my hours got in. Cause, today's the last day to do it and I want to be SURE. lol. While I can track my job applications, I cannot track the hours (at least the ones marked on their end) only mine. lol.

IF everything's fine, today should be a nice and much needed break from it, aside from the job training I'm trying to get from Mom for the internship thing. It seems like something doable, yet takes a lot of practice. Filling out a lot of job orders.

11:46 a.m. Aaliyah's asleep on my arm. It's so cute. She just came in, laid down, and fell asleep. Lol. Watching Supernatural on TNT. I called my case worker and my requirements are officially in for the month. Two weeks of very hard work finished. Day off for me, today, and I still can get my benefits.

Got a little more job training from Mom done and had leftover tacos for breakfast earlier.

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