Tuesday, July 16, 2019

Busier Today. Plenty of Grumbling. More Benefit Trials.

4:32 p.m. Now having to include online work training courses (41 hours required a month) and a job search site (39 searches required a month) my days have gotten just a bit busier. I got in over two hours of work training courses, mostly about email in the workplace, and I did seven job searches and four new job applications...and FINALLY making a resume. I'm a little buzzed in the brain. And I must make this a routine, for tomorrow.

This is on top of normal daily routine, which is falling behind, including chores.

Mom made a nice offer to help out with my phone bill, ($10) which Dad was none too pleased about.

I think he views this (and Anna might, too, given the recent argument over this small matter) as me trying to squirm out of adult responsibility. Which they are of the position that there are some things they just don't want me having outside help on.

But that's just my personal opinion. She offered. Because I'm opening up more to my family and that means talking about my current issues, she offered to be of help, cause she's my Mom. :)

And if she doesn't, that's okay. I got SL funds coming in, God willing, tomorrow, so I can just pay for it on my own then and we can get past all this business. God willing.

Can you see me? :)

To be honest, this whole situation is...well, I cringe to think this...and I could be wrong about my own emotions so I just gotta let it out anyway, cause I'm tired of the stupid thoughts, yes the 'stupid' ones, repeating themselves in my head.

I'm worried in the future I may be 'less' inclined to talk about things especially financial things, with Dad and Anna.

As they tend to be very strong enforcers of their opinions, things based on their own viewpoints, on how I should handle my money. And this can tend to leave what looks like a little matter into a big matter and just kinda blows up all over me into situations I'm just never gonna win due to being outnumbered.

i.e. me wanting to get Aaliyah a computer (where this whole war over my finances kinda began) where they were of the opinion that I shouldn't be buying things like that.

And imo, 'I'm' of the opinion that where and why and whom to and how I give to should be my decision alone. And my business.

And Dad is of the viewpoint that serving my needs should come before others, and that's not...

..not really the way a Christian is taught to live.

Not that I never fall short of it, everyone does, but I should be allowed to choose my opportunities to do so and not forced out of them.

Hopefully this is no offense to my Dad. Not what I want. I'm sorry, God. >.>

And then that led to another argument about how I wasn't paying for my phone bill with the money or my own personal expenses this whole time. Reminder that this said cash wasn't in my bank account, and still isn't, but in the form of game currency on SL.

And it costs three dollars, or more, depending how much, per cash conversion. So the more saved up, the less money I lose.

Granted, in their defense, yes I should spend my money I do get on more important things.

SL doesn't make a lot of money over a short period of time for me, so it takes a long time for me to gather enough if I'm gonna meet a decent amount of my needs. And granted, by this time, I did have enough, I just wasn't ready to cash it in...and was rather pushed into it by them both in order to spare myself any more of this fighting.

In that kind of circumstance, in some low hindsight, my SL money wasn't entirely in my control and entirely in my decision. I was pushed to it, and I didn't like that...cause that' thing. My business. My hobby. That I didn't want anyone else's involvement in.

But it's also pushed to the point that IT 'FEELS' LIKE they don't seem to want me to have any outside help on certain things, even if it was offered me in the first place. Like if they're not gonna help me out on something, no one should be either, because they need to make me do it myself. And if someone is gonna help me where they don't want to, it doesn't have a pleasant reaction.

Ergo, why more and more I'm feeling less like I can be open with them about things regarding my finances in the future. Because they are making what I want my business, and my business alone, to be their business and inserting their authority over it, and...

...forgive me. I have a lot of stupid unfair thoughts. Just letting them out, anyway.

...I worry it risks sucking the fun out of something I genuinely enjoy as a hobby and a small job. When someone wants to come in and inadvertently take over (i.e. push me) regarding what I do with what I gain from that job based on their own personal viewpoints and ideas for me, it's a bit much.

>.> Oi.

Sure, I could easily quit just to take that power away, so I can ensure no one has that decision power, even me, (ergo so such a problem cannot possibly exist anymore) but that seems a bit of a big and ridiculous move. And too hard to come back from.

Now that I got the ranting and whining and selfishness and the stupidity out, I need to see this from the hindsight as well. Even IF I think they aren't going about it the right way and it's a way I have no choice to conform to as per living in room and board from them:

  • They only want me to learn how to be and act like an adult. And act responsibly. Not spend recklessly, and yes, have to be forced handle some things on my own. Adults have to deal with and do the unpleasant things all the time.
I'm just not a big fan of forcing me into a decision, where I'm only making the decision to reduce conflict, and not just because I've seen that's what I'm supposed to do. It was all too 'pushed' for my liking. 

And when someone offers to help, of their own initiative, and I'm being made to feel like that shouldn't be given me, that doesn't do anything to improve my personal growth either.

Oi. Life these days.

In short, things have gotten a little overbearing and I'd kinda like that to change. 

I believe yes, I can learn responsibility, especially money responsibility, and that sometimes I will have to be left to fend for things on my own, but it'd be nice if it came from some positive enforcement rather than a negative place. Cause otherwise it turns into what my brain's been, shamefully, doing, lately.

Bitter talking in my head, mumbling, grumbling, complaining, resentments, stupid thoughts etc. Thoughts that should be replaced with reflections of learned lessons from realizing I did what I was supposed to do. :) I think that part's up to me, but all the drama, which I find hard to let go right now, makes that transition quite a bit harder.

I like that this is a safe place for me to clear my head. I liked writing it out. Even the stupid thoughts..the ones that even I know don't stem from a place of reasoning. Cause I'm sooo very tired of them repeating. I needed to let them out. No feedback needed.

I love my family but as far as I know, none of them know this blog exists, and I LOVE that. Cause, frankly, my thoughts could stir up a WHOLE pot of trouble and drama this girl doesn't need in her life.`

10:32 p.m. Alright. Six hours later. I'm in bed. I can't sleep. I'm a mix of happy and sad. The latter of which will surely pass.

So! I got what I needed to pay my phone bill. However, there was no 10 dollar plan, though Dad insisted there HAD to be one.

And he insisted on calling, while I insisted on relying on the web. We argued a little bit over it and I just kinda quit in frustration and decided to just get a Boost Mobile card or something...

And for some reason it just hit me. Safelink. I got approved for food stamps and I qualify for a free government phone! :o WHY didn't I think of it earlier? I guess it kinda took facing a $35 phone bill, which I was 'this' close to paying (and avoiding all I can to deal with 'monthly' charges' for my overdraft phobia) for one.

Yes, I have a very real overdraft phobia. I'm NOT a fan of auto-monthly payment anything. lol. Gives me massive anxiety just to think of doing it. Talk about the realities of adulting...

So, anyway. I applied. Since food stamps are approved, the application was easily over and approved as well. Praise and thank the Lord!!

So I'm a mix of jubilation and not past the fact that things got tense between Dad and I tonight, though we're pretty cool now. The feeling just kinda..lingers.

More to the food stamp news, I only just realized I don't have a full month to fulfill my requirements. 

I have about 14 days, since it's in the middle of the month.

39 job searches. (32 now) and I did a resume and 4 new job apps today and 38 ish hours left of an online job training course, to be completed by the 30th. It's tough, but doable, and it's what I must do to keep my benefits (which took a month alone to happen) unless God decides to finally let me have employment, Him willing.

By the way, my food stamp card is not here because it got sent to the wrong address..somehow. So I have it coming to THIS address, my address, and I'm on the lookout for that to finally come in this week. This whole time I've won benefits and have been working to keep them, but I can't even use them yet. Imagine that, lol. Now, that and the new 'working' phone. God is blessing. In Jesus name. And definitely putting a trial of patience in my life, a quality I think I'm severely lacking. lol.

P.S. Congrats to my Uncle Pat! I found out tonight at dinner he's due to have another little one, my new cousin. And here's me yet again writing about yet another pregnancy announcement that I hope leads to me casually speaking of the kid in the future. lol. As has happened to several little ones in my family, already. Praying for safe pregnancy. Praise and thank the Lord! <3 Woot!

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