Friday, July 19, 2019

Back To It!

9:46 a.m. The goal is to start including these SNAP requirements 'comfortably' into my daily routine. While they in themselves aren't the hugest stressor, the failure for them to properly credit my work can be, as that is what SNAP will be relying on and not my word.

It's managed to actually record my work so far, but as far as the job searches go, it's only counting a fraction of them. Which is terrible already considering how many I have to complete in a less than two week time frame. My best bet would be to just manually write them down in the end, so they'll be ready to present to my case worker.

Anyway! Other than that, the day has been going normal.

I had a meltdown in one of my dreams, which was very much like something that happened to me in real life, where I was standing in the middle of a crowded room, sobbing about how ignored my presence is, my lack of inclusion in things.

This same kinda thing happened in real life years ago staying at Mom's house and some guys were living there who I felt, rudely, pretty much ignored my existence and treated me as though I were invisible. Like if I spoke to them, they would not even so much as look at me or acknowledge they heard a thing. And I couldn't stand it.

I guess it was just some buried anxiety my brain had to let out and try to let go.

They live in New York now, and Jen, who is a close friend of theirs, is planning to go live with them. That's all cool for her. She invited people to go with her, and I honestly would've loved to, except for the fact that she'd be going to stay with them and God love them, I can't risk putting myself in that kind of position again. The trip wouldn't be a pleasant memory, then.

I'm needed here, anyway, for whatever God has planned for me. I'm glad I at least wrote it out.

I didn't finish working on my Blurb book last night. I got side-tracked in the excitement of all that grocery shopping, lol, because I finally had a little liberty to pick some things out, and it wouldn't be an issue. I know. I know. That should not be the important thing at all. The feeling will pass. Forgiven.

Kinda waiting on 10 a.m. so I can end my minimum IF and make some breakfast. I try to basically break my eating periods into a 12 hour window where I can eat, and 12 hours where I don't. Including sleep. For a long while, I did 16 hours, but my body is adjusted to 12 now and even starts having hunger pangs just before then, lol.

I feel like it helps keep my insulin in check, especially in a less-than healthy diet. 12 hours gives it a chance to drop and rest at a normal level before certain foods raise it again. Tread carefully. Be safe. I never want to end up with diabetes. I feel for those that have it and I do want to prevent it for myself.

4:41 p.m. Five hours later. Two and a half of which were spent on an online job training course. The rest of the day had it's happenings. There's quite a story there.

I got a couple texts back asking for interviews from two different places.

However, my phone has no service. So! I went to Boost Mobile to go pick up a card to load. They didn't have one.

Went next door to Publix, as they recommended, and put five dollars on one. (Mind you, I've never done one of these things before.) It had a scratch-off pin on the back, but unfortunately, my nails were too short. I didn't have any coin change.

So I literally scraped it against concrete to get the pin, then sat down and tried to text the pin as the instructions said, only to get a text back that I'm not typing in a full number and try again.

Then I managed to call the Boost Customer hotline and deal with a machine to load the card.

So after finally figuring out how to do that, I still had no service, because I'm still short thirty bucks.

I can't buy a card in credit, and I only had five bucks left in cash.

I decided to use the atm. It first gave me my bank info at a 50 cent fee,  which also confirmed to me that my PIN was working, (I RARELY make withdrawals due to high anxieties regarding card errors; more on that soon) and then when I got to the withdraw screen I realized I could only withdraw in twenties.

And I was a little short of what I needed to withdraw 40, which would've covered it.

So I went to try cash back. I grabbed a dollar pack of slim jims as a purchase, and then tried to withdraw the 30 bucks. Error. Error.

And then the card refused to do the purchase all together. I had to cancel the purchase. It was quite awkward and disappointing.

I went home unhappy, certain the bank had cut my card off permanently.

I prayed about it, too.

I called the bank to learn that my card was working fine, and that multiple stores have been experiencing cash back issues with the card and their machines. Winn Dixie, Publix, Target, etc. So that, as much, was a relief, that my card wasn't as locked as I thought. I could use credit fine, just not debit.

I was so certain it was deactivated before this, because last time this happened, years back, the bank really DID turn off my card. It took bawling and begging on the phone to upper management to get it turned back on, (This happened because they counted errors made years apart as a strike which never went away, and that was the third that time.)

They did it with the warning that if I did it wrong again, the card would be permanently deactivated. That set me up for years of anxiety towards making cash withdrawals to follow. No joke. So you can imagine what was going through my mind on the way home.

Anyway. With no way to add funds to my Boost account, outside of monthly payments which I, so far, refuse to due to due a phobia of them (yes, a phobia, mainly over auto-payments and potentially overdrafting) and thus no active phone until Safelink arrives, I used Dad's phone to call the people who called about my resume back.

They were very professional and I was very ready to work with them. They wanted a web interview, and then one in person. However, it was too far out for anyone to be willing to drive me, much less get there as a work commute. So that was out. I'm back to square one.

The second number didn't answer. And when I googled their number it didn't bring up a business, so that was kinda shady.

I keep saying to myself if God's ready for me to have employment, I will. I'll just keep trying and making efforts til' then. :) It's all in His way and His timing. in Jesus name.

Kinda seems like I'm really having my good and bad days these days, and there used to be a 'lot' of good days, so all these trials take some adjusting to, ya know?

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