It's been kind of hard lately waking up each day without a plan for what I'll fill it with. I used to have a plan, but it was mostly full of things I'm currently trying to give up or severely limit my time on.
Still meaningless stuff, the computer stuff. Deep breath. Sigh.
I can start new things, like I tried to do with drawing, but I didn't wind up doing it every day. I want to write and hope to write, but I'm very skeptical at the same time how long I'd keep up on that.
I really shouldn't be worrying about tomorrow. Or the days ahead.
I want my life to be meaningful each day. Like...today I did something worthwhile. I helped out. I made a little bit of a difference, even in the smallest way. I did something productive. Something like that. It's basically my underlying goal/benchmark for calling it 'a good day.' Course of habit.
It's hard not to stay in bed sometimes where it's warm, safe, and free from distractions. My sleep schedule has been erratic. I took two sleep gels last night and slept, but woke up with allergies, so I took two night time allergy meds. I slept. Until the afternoon.
My head didn't go to a good place last night. It's always a relief when I'm past it, but it's not a fun place to be in when I get myself stuck in it. There. I said it.
I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on the past. I need to forgive myself. God already did. So..I'm sorry.
I'm still doing my free-writing, which has been amazingly helpful. I highly recommend taking regular one-on-one's with yourself, with God. It usually ends up with me feeling so clear that I have this overwhelming sense of peace and relaxation..and the heavy eyes that follow make it seems like I'm sleepy, when really I'm just that content.
I like to face myself...at the right times. By that, I mean that usually after I've gone through and done something I wasn't proud of, the last thing I want to do is discuss it. I want to hide from myself, even. I want to be 'completely' past it first, and then maybe address the issue.
But anyway, facing yourself is a really good thing. I keep myself in check. Calm. Taking out the worry. The fear in my life.
Right now, I'm just kind of going through a process. Which, I already addressed in my freewriting sessions, today. In which I have my dream. I have it in mind. And I'm longing to get there. Like, part of me would love to just 'skip ahead to the good part' if you will.
I'm not unhappy with my life, so to speak. It can just be easy to feel like you're stuck in the same place and routine for a long time and not sure when something will finally come around the corner and change all that.
I felt like that long ago when I was living at my Mom's house, a very young adult, and look where I am now. :)
Back then, the main thing I wanted was my freedom. Boy, did I long for it. The kind of freedom, I didn't think I had then, that I feel like I'm enjoying in full right now.
So that's something. An epiphany, even. God provides. He has a way and a plan. Dreams come true, big and small. And I know I need to exercise patience. Ughhhh.....and not worry about the coming days. God's got things the way He intended. So, yeah.
For the record, I remember this GIF a lot when I'm trying to get myself to calm down. Lol. I have a tendency to meme at my own head. :P
Other small notes. I joined Snapchat for the first time and posted my very first instagram story. So that was a thing. Nothing major, just me singing and being glad that a chipmunk voice disguises that I'm not hugely great at it. Lol. Not so much use to the animal filter, which was kind of a first for me, too.
Mara Lane Rhys Meyers (Jonathan Rhys Meyers' wife) made an insta post that had video that looked like it was shot with an old VHS camera. I was inquiring about how she did VHS her awesome filters on her Insta videos and she DMed me, sweet lady, on how she does it. :P
I think 'old me' would've totally majorly fangirled over getting a DM from her, (I once did just cause she left a simple comment on an artwork of mine years ago x.x) (Below) but I've come to see that everybody, even famous people, are literally 'just; people. Obviously as that sounds, so I'm pretty chill.
I did end up making a VHS-style video, btw. I just don't feel like posting it. lol.
And I surprisingly like snapchat, which I honestly avoided before. But I don't plan on spending too much time for it. April and Rob have one but, I think they both keep it for other people they know that do. :P I mainly am just interested in the filters, tbh.
Sighhh....all that poor iPod space easily eaten up. I intend on temporarily removing a LOT of it to have room for concert footage come June. I'm still hyped.
Even went on TikTok for the first time in ages to see Courtney and Jonathan, and their adorable growing baby, Caleb. I didn't make a new post or anything, though.
I really shouldn't spend a lot of time on my device, or social media. It's not good for anyone.
I shared some old pictures of Jackie and Devon with Mike yesterday, since he requested them. <3 That felt good to do, considering they were personal ones I had and he didn't of his own kids, so it was sweet. One even became his profile picture.
It's sad she was gone so young. Only 19. And Devon's a full-grown adult now. Good times, though. R.I.P. in loving memory. In Jesus Name, Amen!