Tuesday, April 2, 2019

Reluctantly Honest

12:33 a.m. I've been a mixed range of emotions, lately. On one hand, I've discovered guided meditation. Which was amazing. Like my first 'mind trip' as I call it, I was daydreaming of worlds in ways I hadn't before...almost like one of those 360 wide angle lens cam ways sometimes. It was a real trip. I loved it.

Second time around was a lot less....just less. Not so much of a mind-blowing adventure.

They are called like Sleep Hypnosis vids..but I also deny hypnosis...cause it doesn't fit in with my faith and beliefs. But it's still some soothing calming stuff. And I always can make the choice which mental advice to take or ignore, as well. :) 

The second time I was definitely going my own way more than following the guided instructions, lol.
I laugh through a lot. Cause you never know what the subconscious throws at you.

Legit, at one point, I had Captain Jack Sparrow appear out of nowhere and follow me briefly through several of these worlds. And Mrs. Potts. Which was crazy funny. But I also think that's related to how much Disney Magic Kingdoms I play.

In other news....

I've slipped again. That is my head went through one extremely long and unnecessary dark place. I spent one brief period being awake and dealing with laundry, but that's about it.

I'm both apologetic to myself and God.


I do this to myself. I hurt myself, emotionally for sure. Sometimes physically, in the internal heartache sense.

And one of the worst things about it, though it all has some worst parts about it, is that I know none of this has to take place in the first place.

The mystery is why I let it start. Let it happen. Let it continue. I honestly think I know, but I'm too ashamed to admit to myself? Like, I honestly refuse. Like, after every episode the last thing I want to do is face what I've done. What I let myself do again. And again.

As the song Cut My Lip goes, "I keep on going back/Even though it's me I abuse/I keep on going back/ Even though I am bruised/face of contusions/no, I keep moving/no, I keep moving/Rust around the rim/I drink it anyway/I cut my lip/isn't what I want/blood is on my tongue/I cut my lip"

I relate to that song so well.

Random note. I one-off mentioned that dude Josh Whitaker (I misspell the name on purpose for protection) *cough* Childhood crush I had on a teenager four years older than me. *cough* in a post a while back. 

I decided to look him up on Facebook, and mind you, though I didn't expect him to look much like I remembered...

He looked nothing like I remembered....

Like why would he...he was a teen then and now he's a guy in his near mid-thirties.

And I saw signs that definitely told me this was that same guy, just completely different looking. And with kids to boot he was so proud of, which was sweet.

I got this weird deep flooding pit in my gut that made me a bit uncomfortable, flew from my gut up to my neck, but it didn't take too long to get over that. I let it go away after I relooked at the pictures, trying to see them in a less 'weird-feelingly' way.

It appears he flew off the social media radar a couple years ago. So it ain't like I can FB-friend him and just say hey. Though, if I did ever reconnect with the dude, at least I'd be friendly. I'll always appreciate how SUPER nice he was to me back then, just a weird little kid.

I'd be shocked if he remembered me. Again. I was just a goofy kid at the time, after all.

Thankfully, the likelihood he'd stumble across this one-off nobody blog that briefly mentions him is unlikely. So that's mainly the reason I feel okay mentioning it.

So that's said. I feel little need to go stalk his dead Facebook profile, just so we're clear. Cause honestly that'd be a bit much for my taste.

I don't really like having crushes on people, anyway. Not willing to rile that up in me again. Lol. Especially people I don't know and who don't know me.

And I'm certainly NOT posting his photo here, without his knowledge. Let's just..not.

SOO!!! Annnyyywayyyyy.......Egads at this post about the childhood crush thing.



Move on.

That's been the big things to note about the past couple days. 

Pray for me, cause overall I'm not doing so great.

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