Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Recovery Mode

2:52 p.m. I didn't sleep well last night. My mind got to me. I didn't go to sleep until early morning hours. After the sun was up. And..I woke up around 10ish, woken up by April, and I was clearly tired and slightly cranky. I tried to get out of going to therapy until next day, but April lectured me on Discord. I didn't feel like putting up any argument, so we went.

Thankfully, she's been in a more pleasant mood, lately. And the last thing I need to do is spoil that.

So, we got there. Got me put in the system and then were asked to come back at noon to see if there was an opening, cause I can only do walk in. So we went to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff. April also kindly got me a curtain rod and some white envelopes I needed for a cash stash for this Ohio fund.

We went back and then waited at the office until after 1 p.m. only to be told there was no room for me. So I'm rescheduled for the 23rd as an actual appointment, though under the name of a walk-in, and that means I'll actually get to seeing someone.

I also had finally told my Mom about Rob moving out and my desire to move to Ohio and live on my own. Days ago. She only just saw the message and the reaction was just as I expected, fear and worry, because it's not believed I can be ready to live on my own.

To be fair, I'm really not. Not right now. I can't drive. Have no savings. No job. I've never lived on my own before or paid my own bills. I don't even have a set plan on where I'll live when I get to Ohio or how to afford it. Let's just be real.

BUT I've got two years to prepare what I need, and all the determination and confidence I can muster. In addition to my plucky attitude. Even though I do wish people would be as little worried about my own future as I am. I'm not afraid, since I'm confident that I can do this, knowing that this is something I REALLY can't put off.

She's the only family member who knows about this. And for now, I'm keeping it that way. At the moment, I can deal with one family being fearful for my life, but not the entire family. Not right now.

God's got me. Like, totally.

Best I can do right now about that is not say anything, and if I have to, certainly DON'T LIE. :)

On the level though, I omitted the fact that I intended on using 'camping' as my temporary living situation upon arriving. She was worried and scared enough as it is, as understandably a mother would be. Let's not compound that with my outrageous plan. Lol.

And instead I told her that after I leave the Ohio airport, what happens yet is as of yet, undecided.

I do have to ease people into this, ya know.

But it's actually true. I don't know what abilities/finances/circumstances will have changed between the me of now and the 'me' of two years later. We know it's God's path that prevails. If I really, and truly, work very hard to change and get my life and my responsibilities together like it's expected of me, I could manage a great deal of success. 

If I want to set out to do what I hope to do, by leaving the nest and going it on my own, and God willing get the emotional support I need, I can't afford to take the preparations lightly.

She's planning on seeing me this weekend, by the way. I am expecting this will be a topic of concerning conversation. >.> Like I said, in her defence, I'm 'not' ready to live on my own right now. So it's hard to imagine me doing that. Preparing is going to take a great deal of time. Well, cramming it into two years, anyway.

Words won't convince her, or anyone else, in my opinion. Actions and results will.

I do hope to get a job. Thinking of applying to Taco Bell since they're hiring. Or getting on social security, depending on what the therapist thinks I should do. God only knows. Either way, that's some sort of income to push towards savings, which I'd be very fortunate to have enough to put away in preparation for the big day. Since Rob takes care of most of the expenses, for now, around here.

I just know. It's about time. I'm a grown woman. I need to learn to take on grown responsibilities. In fact, that time's a bit overdue. Not everyone is gonna be there to take care of me for the rest of my life. I feel the overwhelming 'need' to prepare to make it without a dependent.

Sigh. What a couple weeks it's been, huh? Getting from one mindset of little motivation to all this. In Jesus name, Amen.

3:33 p.m. *Hopes every month is as progressive as this one has been for the next two years* lol.

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