Friday, April 5, 2019

My Prayer Life.

11:28 a.m. Well, alright. New day. New kind of focus. Maybe. Hope so. I didn't go to sleep with bad thoughts last night. Meditation went well and this morning saw a stronger prayer session that I've had in a while, where I even wound up crying happy tears. I think that happens quite a bit when I can 'really' feel God there, you know. It pretty much overtakes me in that instant so I instantly start crying happy tears, along with the broken heart/spirit ones.

I feel like I addressed a lot of my weaknesses. My faults. Where I've constantly felt I was falling short with God. About the purpose of my life, because the past few weeks have seen me wandering aimlessly from one menial task to the next. With little motivation for focus and constant pursuit.

Ugh.. (I know I say that word a lot) I kinda wanna list it all here. Maybe I should. I don't think this blog is so well known that it would matter, much? I don't know how much I trust analytics. Lol.

But yeah. My issues.

  • Constant sexual desires, even to a lot of points really 'not healthy' ones. To put that 'very' lightly. As someone whose wasted an untold amount of hours of my life on them, I know it's definitely a problem..especially cause sometimes those also seem to sometimes trail into violent, deceptive, and abusive thinking. Despite what some people may understand when I tell them, my mind doesn't always treat sex in a healthy way. Ugh, makes me cringe just knowing that. Bearing in mind, I'm not even a fit judge of myself, that just kinda feels accurate.
This has been the major one for me. The really big stumbling block in my life that feeds into and leads to depression, which leads into me doing less and less productivity with my day. It's just utter chaos.

  • My love of isolation. I know sometimes it can be good for someone to be on their own. It's just in my case, I feel I love it a bit too much. I'm lonely, because I made myself that way. I isolate and distance myself. And in my prayers, I explored why I do that.
a. Because it's quiet. And I really love the quiet.
b. I can better control my environment (more on that later) and if I stumble across something I want no part of, especially offensive things, I can simply choose to remove it and move on. Without the obligation of asking someone to do it for me.
c. I can focus on my own tasks. My own desires and pursuits. And conversation, being social, "gets in the way" of that.
d. It just feels 'safe.'

I think that's mainly it.

And I make myself lonely to the point where I'm tired of being alone. Where sometimes I'm tired of not 'fitting in' with anyone I know around me. They're all so different, everyone. As it should be, of course. It seems like one person or another has someone that molds just perfectly with their interests and ideals, and I don't exactly have that.

I mean, it's great for them, don't get me wrong. It's just hard not to wonder what that's like.

And I also feel like I wasn't brought into this world to fit in with it, and I actually mean that in a good way, tough as it can be sometimes. It does bring about a lot of the isolation thing.

And I think God has been sending the same message, multiple times, through multiple people (who don't even realize they're all sharing one opinion of what I should do about this) and that's to go to Church. Because, they know me, and that's where they feel I'd fit in. Again, more on that part later.
  • Doing/loving the worldly things. The things that are more of the world, and not of the kingdom. Things that are meaningless and will certainly go away one day.
This is still very much an issue for me. Clinging to the things and habits I've grown accustomed to, and all the while I know that interferes with my walk with God. Because I'm supposed to put that behind me in order to fully and truly follow Him. It does end up making me feel guilty. Though, thankfully, God's enduring love and peace continues to call me back, and then once more I'm okay.

  • The 'attending church' thing is improving, kinda, finally. I mean, I'm not attending an actual Church building of yet, surrounded by physical people. I am, however, streaming church over Youtube with a chat function associated with it. Cause after all this time, I've finally settled on a church I'd actually like to be a member of. The thing is, they're in Ohio, so my option is to do so over the internet in the comfort of my home.
Five14 Church is the one I'm talking about. I think God led me to them, like many others I found, through twentyonepilots. Which is pretty awesome. I feel like I got to know the leaders just a little through some social media antics and sermons and whatnot and I 'really' like it. So, that's one positive pursuit/thing going on in my life, right now.

Who knows? Maybe someday God could send me there somehow, and I can attend in the actual place.:)))

  • Though I haven't been pursuing it much lately outside of journaling, I have confirmed through my prayers that I was meant to be a writer. Make a novel. This is a way I can glorify God with my life, with all humility and blessing in Christ Jesus.
So that's good. It's a cool thing to feel like you know what career God's okay with you pursuing.

Cause it definitely wasn't massage therapy, and I honestly wish at this point it never happened. But thankfully, that's my past.

Now what I have to do about this though is...actually write the novel. OR I can continue editing the one I've already got. Or both. :P Keep it hold. Haha.

  • I've still been thinking about that FB message I sent yesterday, with a lot less anxiety.
I guess there's not a whole lot more to comment about on that front.
  • I do have a tendency to push away thoughts of people..or things. I sometimes get needlessly afraid of my own thoughts. I'm so awkward that I'm even awkward of my own thoughts, which only me and God can see, and know. :P 
I do have a special belief though, that it happens for a reason. Like if there's one person or group in particular that keeps coming into my mind, seemingly out of nowhere, I'm meant to pray for them. I believe that about my dreams, as well.

If I'm frequently dreaming about someone in particular, it's for that same reason. It's also love. New love. I guess. Keep it holy. :P It often seems to be well known people, surprisingly, just people I don't even know in general. But, yeah.

  • The main thing I want for my life. My existence. The single most important pursuit, of my life. IS love. To give love. To receive love. To keep love. To pursue and show love. Of all others, no matter what wrongs they've done.
And I honestly think it's wrong to base whether you love someone or not on how much wrongs you think they've done. That's not love at all. I don't want to do that, and I can't really wrap my mind around why anyone else should either. It's not like love equals agreeing with wrongdoing. It's not, nor ever has it been or will be, my place to judge people. To condemn.

That's why my heart could even go out to death row prisoners. Or prisoners, in general. We can often forget they're human beings, too, with flaws just like us and we ourselves may have even done worse things than them, (whether we know or admit it or not) even if we aren't the ones sitting behind bars.

Even if they committed awful crimes or still are. My heart goes out to them, nonetheless, which I don't think would make sense to some people (Then, what do I know?) but it makes sense to me.

Yeah, I'm anti-death penalty. By the way. I'm very, very pro-life. A humanist, as I call it. All life, every human life, is completely precious and deserves to live, regardless of what they've done. And yes, some are gone too soon because of murder, and I don't say this to diminish their loss in anyway, cause their life was precious, too. But I don't see that taking another life really helps, either.

If they're behind bars and that's where they need to be, to keep from harming themselves and others, then that's fine. Even rehabilitation and church is great, for those that want that change. But the point is that everyone deserves to live. To be alive. I don't need exceptions to that belief. God loves us all, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. May He be with us all.

I know I'm going pretty deep into a very controversial topic, so excuse me.

So, just to conclude. It's my desire to love. Everyone. And to do the things that reflect that. It's the goal and pursuit for my entire life. God-centered.

I'm just going over this a moment and trying to see if I covered what I wanted to cover. Cause right now I feel like this is really summing a lot of me, up. Ah!!

  • Marriage. I knew there had to have been at least one more topic of importance that came up in my prayers. I...would very much like to be married. I've told God that on a number of occasions. Often daily. And kids. I would love to have kids. And think I'd make a great mother...cause through all those years I was put through of babysitting children and babies, trusted, even though I complained through a lot of it (sorry) God was preparing me for those kind of responsibilities.
I would very much like to be in love with someone. I mean I have been...only once before. But I was pretty young. From 16 until around age 21. That relationship, as we know, was quite toxic, and it couldn't last the way it did. I was also, again, very young and a lot less wise. Again, that's the past.

But no, I think it's just such a beautiful thing. And it is. As long as it's with the right person. And there's no vanity in love, so it's not really about looks. I want the 'feeling.' And that's a really hard thing to find cause I think only one person is gonna be able to give me it. More on that, later. I guess it's kinda like that 'zing' thing, in Hotel Transylvania. Lol.

Anyway. It'd have to be someone who I feel has my best interests at heart. Like, if I've made the decision to not do a certain thing or be a certain way, because it conflicts with my relationship with God, then that should be both respected and encouraged. Helped.

This has gotta be the most important aspect, as well as love.

Again, this is why people keep telling me if I wanna date, go to church, already. :P Hahahaha. Ohhh. Multiple people have told me that, I kid you not. Which is kinda cool because they're giving me that advice cause they know me, and the way they know me is the way they know that'd be best for me. xD I'm so obvious, aren't I?

I have made the conscious decision that I don't want to try my way through a dozen guys to find the right one. I really do believe in that, 'love at first sight.' Kind of thing. I have faith in it, even. I just...I know that if 'this' particular guy is it, I'll feel it. I don't know exactly how I'll feel it, but I believe that I would just...know. Then and there. Almost like a whisper behind my ear saying, 'Oh, yeah. This is it.'

I'm only waiting on one, to spend the rest of my life and have that kind of future with. And...I really hope that's what's meant for me. And I'm okay with waiting, by the way. However long it takes to come, if it's truly meant to come. I'll be okay. Happy.

And what's keeping my patience is that I'm trusting that God has the right time, place, and purpose at hand. Everything is in His own timing. Perfection. I'm right where I need to be in my life right now at this exact very moment. :)))

Well, that seems to cover it. Unless I think of more. Hahah. This is what some of my prayers were about today. I really connected with God, felt the Holy Spirit. Got moved. Got comforted in my doubts.....

  • This just reminded me of something, so it's not quite done yet. Okay, so one thing that's actually a problem, that doesn't seem like a problem to some people, I guess, is I'm quiet. Too quiet. And while quiet is good, I often find myself staying quiet at the wrong times.
So watch yourselves. If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. Luke 17:3

Forgiveness is easy, a lot of the time. I try not to have a whole lot of issue with that. I want to forgive others, not a big problem at all. 

I just...don't really..correct..people when they're doing something they shouldn't be doing. I stay silent. Because I'm very shy. I know the way the world looks at correction. The world doesn't like to be told it's ways are wrong. I have a fear of inciting conflict, by doing so. Cause they'd take it as me being judgemental. As me not minding my business. Or some may perceive is hate or unlawful oppression. None of which is my intention. 

And I don't think I bear conflict thrown at me very well.

Oi. This is not easy to say at all. Cause it's basically me saying there's something I know I ought to be doing and in these circumstances I'm choosing not to. I'm holding myself back. Cause I don't have the courage often to speak what I should. And I'm sorry for that. I am. 

It's something I've been struggling with, spiritually, and as I said before, God is merciful. He's encouraged me. So maybe, hopefully, I'm changing after all. He used me recently, as I realized, so maybe this is a big step in that direction.

Phew. Deep breath. Now I think I've set it. 

Today just seems like a nice, God-filled, day. Hope it stays that way. Cause I need one of those. :P It's gonna be a good kind of day. A blessed one. I feel it. <3 I hope. I pray. In Jesus mighty name. Amen.

1:33 p.m. Stuck my twentyonepilots video on twitter. I'd been asking myself if I wanted to do it, for days now. Now I can just leave it there and not care if anyone sees it. :P Maybe even forget I tweeted it, who knows? Hahah.

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