Saturday, April 27, 2019

Irks. Releasing Negativity.

9:10 a.m. I slept okay. Today didn't exactly start out ideal.

  • DMK reset my entire game back to the beginning, and now I have to wait to see when/if customer service responds.

Thankfully, by then I had reduced my playing to a few times a day, rather than nearly every nearly waking hour. The only major downside I can see is I spent a grand total of (including gifted cash, mind you) $194.65 to date from September 30, 2018 to my last purchase on April 7, 2019.

I'm honestly kinda surprised. I thought it'd be a lot more, though that's still a lot to spend on a game in a period of 190 days. 6 months and 9 days. And a lot to spend on one game to boot. Just in microtransactions.

I've made peace with the fact that the money is already spent and gone, for nothing. (especially if I don't get it back, as I hear happens) and I've already been adopting new control over my spending habits since before this happened. I've reconciled that the past is past, and I'm moving forward.

That and this has been happening to a huge number of people and part of me was practically only waiting for my turn to have come around. So...I'm okay. This is probably the least of today's problems.

Yesterday, in fact, I was totally tempted to make yet another microtransaction into the game and stood my own ground and decided against it. Praise God, glad I did. Cause now that cash could probably go into something worthwhile.

  • April had yet another complaint to make with me. 

She's a great friend, but not easy to live with sometimes. Basically, in the past few weeks has been just issuing a new rule after new rule of changes she wants seen in the house. I kinda struggle to adjust to change and she's just adding more in a very short period of time.

1. Keep the bathroom door closed from now on. (cause she's foiled the windows for better air ventilation and Minxy rips them.

2. Recycle. Ugh. My least favorite. And it's honestly feels like quite a bit to ask considering it's her personal choice/new passion/desire/interest, and not mine. 

Believe me, I get it helps the environment and all, and that's a wonderful thing and maybe there should be more of it in the world. When/if I actually care about recycling and do it, then I can be a part of that. But this leads me to overthinking about trash when before I could simply throw it away, one and done. 

Not 'washing' the garbage then, "is this paper or plastic or where the 'flippidity-do-da' does this thing go?!" I'm not used to that, nor is it something I'm interested in doing. :/

I haven't been following it faithfully, to be honest, clearly I'm not even personally motivated. And I won't doubt that's gonna come up eventually when she realizes it. Eek. (She's interested in doing so and requires me to join in, even though I'm not nearly as interested in it as she is. Her new passion, not mine.)

3. She leaves the toothpaste tube in the shower (cause she brushes while she showers) instead of putting it back when she's done. (Not so much a new rule, as is a recent irk.)

4. Got rid of the regular sized dish soap bottle for the 'convenience' of the large one. Again, just a light personal irk cause I like washing my hands at the sink in between doing the dishes...and the big clunky bottle makes it a tad more cumbersome to do that.

5. New health-oriented food, but that part's not really a complaint at all.

6. Her saving scraps of food in attempt to make her own compost. (That's not required of me, has practically nothing to do with me other than me seeing it in the fridge. Just a recent change she's made in the household.)

7. Adapting/conforming to her recent gender identity change and me observing her reactions to others who have not. :/ Flippin' pronouns, man. -_-

You never realize how much over-thinking goes into the whole transgender thing until you watch it first hand. Overthinking the clothes. Overthinking the pronouns. Vocal tones. Names. Binders. Just...the way I'm seeing it from my end is that what was once natural and easy to her, that doesn't need complication, is being made overly-complicated.

I don't approve of it entirely, from the standpoint only of what she's requiring of me (nor do I intend on trying to harm/oppress her) or stop her from making the changes she's trying to make. Her decision. her journey. Her life. Her beliefs. Her ideals. Her identity. Etc.

But ugh. The big stupid deal made in this modern world over pronouns. They weren't bothered about nearly as much as they are, today.

She's asking me (as well as anyone else in her life, or as she put it, they can go away) to do something I don't like i.e. asking I refer to her as a 'he' when I can't actually do that without me believing I'm lying.  It's a lie, to me, because 'I' do not identify her as male, even though she's chosen to herself.

Her business. Her decision. But the all or nothing, forced conformity/compliance to her personal choices is also something I have to adjust with. By this, I mean, again, her telling me to address her in a way she sees herself, not as I see her from my honest standpoint.

If that's how she sees herself, that's her own journey. That's her thing, but asking me to call her/see her as male is not a truthful statement to me. It's not how I view her, and much as I genuinely love her, I cannot view her that way. And I care more about being honest (to myself and God) than feeling like I'm lying, to suit her comfort, to be honest.

I never say any of this out loud, by the way. Because that's the point where it's gonna turn into a real problem with her. Like...major. It certainly can be viewed, skewed, though falsely, as hatred. Because for some reason we live in age where if you don't entirely stand for what someone asks you to believe/support, it's considered hate.

At the same time, I'm just gonna also mention it's not actually that huge a deal. Yeah, I went into a spiel, but it's really not that huge of an issue, at the moment. 

I VERY little find myself using actual pronouns in person, anyway. Or even saying her name, April, which she also would like to cease (which she's changing to Damon, by the way) because usually if I want her, I go to her. Instead of calling her. 

I have little to no problem with the name change. People change their names all the time.

My issue here is the pronoun demands I'm asked to meet, which overcomplicates what was once not complicated and unnatural to me at all. -_-

And this morning...she messages me about the lights. -_-

Okay, here's my thing. I, sometimes, if the pets get in my room, I leave the door cracked open so they can freely come and go without mewing all over me.

However, lights being left on in the house makes it hard for me to sleep. If I don't see them being in use, logically, (At least, logic to ME) I turn them off.

This, however, peeved April, because she took it as some sort of quiet fight against her turning them on. In her defense, her ankles are bad and she said she needs a light to not stumble and make them worse. My hangup is we only need maybe one light on at a time. I'm hoping she's willing to compromise somewhere in this situation.

Maybe use JUST either the hallway or living room light. Not the hallway, kitchen, and living room light on simultaneously. I don't find it necessary.

I was brought up in a different way, in a different household than her. The habits I've adapted are not the necessarily the ones she has, wherein I prefer lights not in use to be 'off' because of electricity bills. And again, because lights seep into my room at night from the hall and mess with my brain, which will act as if I'm sleeping in the day.

So, waking up to her complaint about me doing that, on top of the slight DMK bummer, on top of me having my bad thoughts once again, (however brief it was) didn't give me a great start to the morning.

Meditation is my immediate recovery and has so far been a useful one.

9:37 p.m. Actually, I am glad I wrote this out, cause I was kinda...well, I'm wrong. xD I really thought it was some long list of rules but really it's really not. And she has her reasons for them, I know.

I'm just having trouble dealing with 'so much' change and non-complaining conformity being required of me from that point on. On her whim. -_- It's not easy for me at all. 

9:45 p.m. I'm so complainy this morning. God have mercy. I forgive it all. I release it. I let go. God has a plan. 

I spent this morning trying to focus on prayer and pushing out all negativity. And for a brief while it worked. But every now and then some negative voice about the situation with her popped up. Was getting a little tiresome, as it usually does when an issue currently sits unresolved. As she is sleeping, by now.

I got my thoughts out, which is good. And hopefully, that lets the negativity out. I can really look at the situation as I see it, plain in my face instead of hiding amongst running thoughts and mind you, I'm not always gonna be in the right. Even if I write it here. 

She has her own side to the story, I'm sure, and that tends to not be unreasonable. So don't get that twisted, here.

I'm not miss perfect at all. Just kinda struggling in some things, sometimes.

ANYWAY! Now that I've released all that, I'm gonna try and move forward with my life, mmmkay? Oi. I hope so. :P

I've decided to redo my daily to-do list as well as possibly implement my own personal style of yoga into my meditation practices. 

By now, I've got several separate youtube playlists centered around meditation. One for love, one for general meditation subjects, and one for music only/binaural beats and such. I'm so pleased. 

The important thing is to remember to keep God at the center of it. Which is something I'm working on, it's the most important, useful, and powerful part of meditation, after all. And sometimes I tend to get a little absorbed in my head, and fall short of that. I'm working on it.

'Mind trips.' The...natural state of my mind. Natural being that when I'm not really thinking of much else, I'm traveling, in my head, through dazzling scenery. Beaches and canyons and whatnot. And more recently figures of people doing things (hence the thing I mentioned earlier about losing the real focus) cause those things can get both a little too interesting and entertaining. 

I enjoy meditation nonetheless, all the more since I realize I'm praying a LOT more than I used to (I used to mainly save the bulk of it for going to bed at night) and my life has been shifting forward (yes, even with the aforementioned bumps in the road today) and changing in a shockingly fast pace of time. God is amazing. Totally real. I'm hoping and praying the prayerful life improves as time goes on. I'm sinking into my own routine and groove with it at the moment, of course. Finding what works best for me. It's a welcome and beautiful change. I'm being all over this life-change, right now, and hopefully, the rest of the year.

Added this picture without context to the post cause it's too cute! :)))

So yeah. It's still early. That's been what's up and I will hopefully write more later. Peace! Mwuah! God bless and save and heal us all in Jesus mighty exalted forever name, amen! :)))

10:24 a.m. *scatters reaction gifs throughout the long and typically dramatic post because who wants to read a long block of text after text* :P

10:48 a.m. Added kind of a long spiel about a topic I've been mostly avoiding thinking of too much lately, see number 7 if you haven't already.

11:04 a.m. I've been working on this entry for about two hours now for what, for me, is only a few minutes of reading. I've got other things to get to, Oi Vey. lol.

11:38 a.m. So I just had a tiny scare. After attempting yoga, and kinda failing, my eyes suddenly started blurring in and out of focus.

I FIGURE it's because I've been pretty low carb, low sugar the past few days. So immediately got a cup of sweet tea and frozen blueberries to kick my insulin back in, meanwhile scouring the internet for the wide range of causes.

Thankfully, in that time, after consuming the sweet stuff, my vision kinda seems back to normal...for now. Praise and thank the Lord! :))) Good to know.

1:48 p.m. Back from getting up in that fitness, and got some cool video footage to play with later. :3 Praise and thank the Lord! Neee nooo. P.S. April and I are cool now about the lights thing. She also accidentally locked me out when I got back but thankfully, she was readily available. :P

I...need a shower. I took a longer than expected/usual walk so I'm actually glad that's happening. The more exercise, the bettah!

3:12 p.m. Took that shower. Much needed. :) Then cooked and ate a couple slightly under cooked frozen hamburger patties with kale, mayo, and cheese. And about now my stomach is starting to pay for it. xD At least I got my carbs and sodium in to put my body back on track, praise and thank the Lord. ^_^/


Only to a save point slightly behind what it was, but it shouldn't warrant complaining. Thankful I didn't make a purchase yesterday though, cause it could've been lost. 

I'm still deciding not to spend more money on it (though I'm thankful to God they didn't make me wait more than a day to get one of the few games I actually play back) lol. Sigh. Let's hope this doesn't happen twice, hmm?

I assume it did cause I DEEPLY cleaned out my computer cache yesterday and it must've erased my save file along with it. Learned my lesson there. >.> Anyway, praise and thank the Lord. One less worry in the watches of the night, haha.

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