Monday, April 15, 2019

Getting Our Act Together: Part Two

12:37 a.m. I've given myself a two year deadline. Two years to save up $1,040. Minimum. That doesn't sound like a huge whole amount to some, I think, but given my own circumstances, that's kind of a big number to me. Especially considering the spending habits I'd grown accustomed to over the years.

30 years old almost feels a little late to be starting this adulting stuff. I feel like that should've maybe been expected of me around 10 years ago, but at least it's finally starting to fall into place.

Better late than never.

So here it is. My idea. And it's just an idea. A wish. A goal. Cause we know that though a plan is put in place, it's God path that prevails, so let's just bear that in mind. Even be a bit hypothetical, if you will. Seriously, when has someone ever had their plan go exactly as they intended? :P

Anyway. The BIG plan.

  • I spend two years setting aside just ten dollars a week, at minimum. This is outside of tithes. :) Cause ya gotta trust God to your finances and circumstances, you know? And I miss doing it, anyway. :P These savings will go towards my future trip. That special day I'm now waiting for where I leave this part of my life behind, and move into the next stage, and follow God.

  • When our day comes, I want to pack up only what I can carry with me. Basic clothes, laptop, iPod, (I don't use a phone so I need social media to let family know I'm okay) a small blanket/pillow, money, important documents, family photos in a ziploc baggie, USBs, and toiletries. The rest gets left behind. I would also rather not have the huge extra baggage fees. And have too much weight to carry because I anticipate I'll be walking a LOT!

I've already asked April how to pack 'survivalist style' which is a thing she has a huge passion for, so she's more than thrilled to teach me.

  • April takes me to the airport. She drops me off. We say our goodbyes. And this is where we may part ways for God knows how long. Cause she's planning on going to a completely different state and a completely different life after this point. We spent initially four years apart, then lived together for the past five years, so....this'll be..something. I imagine we probably won't see each other again for a very long time. Though we'll keep in touch, as we always did. 

  • I also imagine that if I don't end up taxiing/Uber, I'd bunk up the nerve and determination to simply walk. And I'll need to be able to carry what I have over long distances. This also means I should probably pick up my slack in fitness in the meantime to prepare myself for such a venture.
  • Find shelter. Somewhere. Whether it be a hotel, motel, or some good kind samaritan finds me walking on the side of the road and lets me spend the night.
It'd probably be in my best interest to wait it out at the airport a bit after arriving, and map out where I'd want to head to next and how much I'd be willing to spend. Or even doing this before I leave Florida, obvs.

  • Once I find an overnight shelter, take the day to rest. Recharge from the long day, and for the long days ahead.
  • Trek to a store. Buy a bicycle (helmet, light) and save my feet. :P Funny as it sounds, biking is a lot easier for me than walking. It requires a little more exertion, but I find it less tedious because it's a lot less time spent in a state of bodily stress and can get me over longer distances, quicker.
  • Find a nearby homeless shelter/halfway house. Something that would take in a non-alcoholic/non-druggie, like myself. Preferably one that offers job training or placement.
  • Find a way to keep up my hygiene. Yah know, in case the halfway house/shelter thing don't work out, at the very least I could keep up appearances to get a job.
  • Get job training/get a job. This is a must. I'd have to find a way to do it somehow, and wait until I've been in Ohio long enough to file for new non-Florida identification. I'd also have to hope I can have direct deposit to my bank...cause I'd really like to keep my current bank. But if that has to change, I would cross that bridge when I get to it.
I should hope that some manager will take pity on me for being a long way from my normal home, and being  homeless, and in desperate need of an income to survive.

  • Save for my own place. Homeless shelters probably weren't meant for a permanent place, just a placeholder, until I could get into an actual home of my own. Apartment. Small trailer in a trailer park. Something. :P

And from there the other normal trials of adulthood can take place.

And of course, find a way to get to FIVE14 Church on a regular basis. :P

God has a plan, though. I'm just being hypothetical here, maybe even a bit dramatic or over-estimating of my abilities.

In any case, I've had it pretty easy these past few years and that special time has come where I really need to get out on my own and experience that independence everyone needs to have at some point.

Eh. I'm pretty sure this can be mulled over in free-writing exercises, too.

I don't think any of that really scares me, to be honest. Maybe my worst fear is the chance of a kidnapping, or worse. Off a highway. I am a young woman, so I'd have to be very careful. Wary.

What actually scares me is..I don't know how I'm gonna tell my family.

Like, the only response I can imagine is them getting freaked out, and me feeling so guilty that I force myself to stay and not go through with this plan, which I intended to make me face the world and grow up.

And they worry because they love me that much, don't get me wrong. Nobody wants to see anything happen to me.

But even at my age, I'm still probably not seen as mature enough to handle something so big, to them. At least that's how I imagine they see me. I'm pretty much feeling like the baby of the family, and that the idea of me going out into the big old world without someone else tagging along may scare them. A lot.


I don't drive. I don't pay bills. I've never lived by myself before. Or traveled alone before. I'm kind of a late bloomer to this adulthood responsibility thing. So again. I don't really blame them if they'll be worried.

I'M WORRIED that while I may have all the confidence and bravado in the world to do this, that once I come out about it to my family, as I said, they'll freak out (out of fear for my own safety, which is natural) and that'll hold me back from pursuing the dream I decided I wanted to take. So I'd choose to stay and not move forward the way I wanted.

Especially considering this is what I'm intending on doing:

Dropping almost all of my possessions, packing up a bag, and leaving to another state where I don't know anyone. (Except maybe Mike's family, but even then not very well at all) Without a car. Without a home already prepared and waiting for me. Without someone to lean on there. Trekking. Wandering. Alone. In the big old world out there. scary. 

I'm okay with it it. Personally. Crazy as it sounds. This is my own adventure to me. Trials. Newness. Walk with God. But reasonably, I doubt they would be as thrilled.

PART of me wished I could just wait until the day I'm on the plane and be like 'Well, I guess I should mention this. I'm moving to Ohio. Like, right now. I'm on the plane.'

That'd be too big of a bombshell to drop on their heads, out of nowhere, to be honest. It'd be unfair.

And yes, I care what other people think. I love them and of course, I want them to be happy with me. I'm a 'people pleaser' type.

The question is whether or not I'm willing to give up the dream I've decided to pursue, because someone else is too afraid of me doing it?

That's the struggle at the moment.

This, to me, is also part of my walk with God. I'm trusting Him all the way here. I FINALLY, after all these years, found a Church I want to join. One I agree with. One I'd love to attend, be a member, and stand with. All the way. But of course, they're in Ohio. I'm in Florida.

The whole point of this pilgrimage, as I guess that's kinda what this, is to get to go to that Church. In person. That's the whole point of going to Ohio, if you can believe it. Church.

The reason I'm leaving my family, and the life I made here, to go to that Church. That's what I've decided I wanted to do. And the thought of doing it makes me happy.

I think that's another thing I'd have a tough time making my family understand. That I would go all that way, from Florida to Columbus, Ohio, just to attend a church I like. Lol.

So yeah, in short. I'm not afraid of going, but I am afraid that they're gonna be too afraid for me. And that their fear will keep me back from the thing I wanted to do.

I should probably throw this out there. I REALLY should not be worrying so much about the future. This isn't happening tomorrow, or the next day. Whenever God decides it'll be go time, it'll be go time. If He wills it, He'll make a way. I'll go confidently, humbly, I hope, rather. God be with me, in Jesus name.

So! Anyway. In the meantime, I feel like I need to prepare myself. Physically, mentally, spiritually, financially, etc. And I'm really gonna have to buckle down on my finances. The time for fun spending needs to kinda, come to an end, so I can save. So I can tithe as I need. So this can happen and I'll be okay. I also need to prove to myself that I can be a responsible adult.

2:23 a.m. Just gotta say these past couple weeks have been extremely transformative. Just looking over these entries and where my mind has been this month REALLY puts that in perspective. Ya know?

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