Thursday, April 25, 2019

Been Almost A Week.

10:41 a.m. The past week has had its very highs and very lows.
  • Celebrated Easter with my family. Mom showed up by surprise and I had to leap out of bed and pack in a real, hurry. Got plenty of pics and vids on my insta. Visited both Jen's and DJ's kids. I had fun with Harmony and Aaliyah at their awesome nearby playground (shiny advanced equipment) [I also was shocked to learn they have their own TikTok, thankfully kid friendly] and seeing DJ's kids dye eggs and play.
  • Started the road to therapy. My next appointment in June 19th, three days after a much anticipated concert.
  • Still having my good and bad days, mentally. And been trying to practice meditation/freewriting on a daily basis.
  • Cashed out SL yesterday with a satisfactory amount to put towards my goals. :))
  • Spent a lot of time in bed and just now trying to get back onto my goals.

Yesterday, I took a long nature walk, which I found to be very beneficial. I was wary of the idea of finding a gator cross my path and almost had a standoff with a frightened squirrel. No biggie. :P I'm fine. I didn't bring a bottle of water. Sometimes, I just choose not to. I, instead, drank straight from the tap of a fosset beside a party pavilion.

I attempted to tire swing, only to find I was too big. Apparently, April knew what she was doing when she did it. Lol. 

I've been exploring more styles of meditative youtube videos. Namely, one that manifests finding love and soulmates and whatnot. 

Granted, I don't actually believe in that whole 'ask and focus/manifest the universe, and it shall give it' nonsense. Nor do I believe in the 'power' of hypnosis or astral projection, which is what some of these videos claimed to be about. I also don't think my faith allows for me to do so. But the 'mind trips' as I call them (think the canyons and beaches you see from a helicopter view) involved are honestly fun, nonetheless. And I don't feel it spiritually hurts to explore the videos' long as I choose to recognize it's God with the power, not the universe, to make things happen.

ANYWAY! Now that I'm past that little disclaimer.

Last night, I listened to two of those manifest love/soulmate videos on repeat. All night. 

I took the last four night-time advil pills for a headache, and my body pretty much waged war on my tiredness by giving me a body-torturing overactive usual. To me, it is as bad as it sounds. And I don't mean it's a painful process. 

I mean it's constant state of leaving bed, opening the door, going down the hall, bathroom, closing door, hall, trying to close my nearly broke door, and getting back to bed. Over and over and over.

Imagine a life where you just used the bathroom and tried to sleep, and when you finally get relaxed, you find the urinary urges don't stay away. That's my issue. They return like, minutes later. And imagine this going on for hours on end. That's my life. I've lived with it for many years, honestly.

Pray for me, in Jesus name, Amen!

Basically, if my body is fully rested/relaxed, my urinary urges kick in, and they don't really...stop...for hours. Sounds like kind of a curse? I know. Ugh. Therefore, even if the rest of my body is relaxed, this is the one part of my body that won't and often, just gets more unrested. >.< It's a highly frustrating thing, and not fun to talk about it.

I'm off topic, again. Okay! So, I listened to those two videos over and over again, despite the fact that I also have trouble falling asleep to sound. So I did turn it down and could only partially hear the sentences, which I think my subconsciousness had memorized anyway..and at times my mind would be hearing something completely different than what I knew it was actually supposed to say. Which was kind of amusing.

So! To sum up: reasons for my rough sleep last night:
1. My bladder waged war against my rested state.
2. I had a lot of bad thoughts and did some things I wasn't proud of, at all. It kinda got to a worse level than normal last night.
3. Listened to the tracks over and over, kinda determined to see what would happen in my dreams, despite the fact that I don't sleep well to sound. And I may do this again...for months. At least I have the idea, too.

As for my little dream experiment, they were both good and bad. I find them indifferent to the videos thing (because funnily enough the comments ranged from how well this worked to people having horrific nightmares and sleep paralysis from them.) Yeah.

Nah. The worst dream I had was Moriarty was actually a known vampire, (EDIT: Not Moriarty, Andrew Scott in the Mad Hatter Costume from Once Upon A Time in Wonderland.) and he almost killed me after draining my blood through my arm. >.< Just multiple bites crawling up my arm. Nightmares are terribly unpleasant and I rarely mention them in my blog, these days. They aren't very kosher.

Afterwards, I sought out Frozone (Guy in his costume, anyway) to hide me on a planet across the galaxy. xD I've never even seen that movie. People did end up finding me, and were none too pleased. I forget who, but they were known celebrities. Lol.

I did have a dream where I went to that 'dream apartment' (via elevator) I talked about in my meditations. I got as far as maybe the kitchen area before it transformed into maybe my Mom's house or something, lol. I also didn't realize I was already dreaming and was clinging to the place in a desperate attempt to not wake up.

No dreams of falling in love or of a soulmate to report. :P

I, actually, by the way, haven't had a sleep paralysis nightmare, thank GOD, in a very, very long while. 

Those started almost regularly when I was about 13, right after a dream where I told the boogie man I was too old for him, (yes, seriously) and in the latter years of those episodes I always got through it calling on the name of Jesus, getting less and less afraid when they happened. He was basically my Warrior in those situations, if you will. 

Not to say I don't think they'll never happen again, but I'm a lot less afraid of them than I used to be because of how much I rely on my faith and the power of God. 

Yes, it actually works. :)) I wouldn't say so if it didn't. 

So yeah, I wasn't afraid of the videos making that happen, but it is unfortunate the amount of people that did go through those. 

Right now, I'm chilling out in my bed and listening to twentyonepilots. Glad I took the time to blog before too much time passed and I'd forget this stuff.

2:12 p.m. I got in a good sermon today. The one I missed over Easter break. I also got in a little exercise and a brief freewriting session. Now back on the love/soulmate manifestation video, on the youtube replay site, and hopefully I can get better at learning how to sleep with sound cause that's somewhat of an issue of mine...

...especially when I visit my mother's house, because she has to have the television playing in order to stay asleep. So I have to make the adjustment in the duration I'm there. Not to mention I keep losing my earplugs, just as much as I keep losing my eye masks like I did last week.

THANKFULLY, they're only a dollar each at the Dollar Tree, so they are easily replaceable and at the moment am relying on one from April/Damon (She's planning changing her name so I have to at some point start calling her Damon) which has actually comfy stuffing sewn into it. So that's a thing.

5:47 p.m. We’re off to Dawn’s. We got McD, then got broke down at the gas station. Now just trying to get on our way.

Been manifesting prayer a lot today, for others and my own needs. Reworked my many YouTube playlists. Other than that, I’m back on the typical routine. In a good mood today, happy to say.

6:27 p.m. At Dawn’s and chilling out. Managed to get here safe.

EDIT: After Dawn's, we got grocery shopping out of the way. Thankfully the truck lived in the meantime. I told April about the vampire dream, and I'd rather not remember her particular comment about it. Just saying.

Also! I got some of that vacuum powder stuff I loved! April thought they stopped making those after the nineties after I told her I had trouble finding it in the aisles. And when I did find it, she wasn't fond of the lavender breeze smell or whatever it was, so I picked fresh linen smell.

As you can imagine, I eagerly used it when I got home and now the room feels totally clean, natural, and fresh. I trust any bad smells that existed in here before are gone now.

I slept okay. On and off. Both with and without the guided meditation, binaural beats, manifestation/subliminal tracks...what have you. 

Had a dark episode much later in the night. Spent this morning getting way past that with an epic prayer it was on the levels of 'wow.' So I totally believe what I've put out there is coming to me, and others, in Jesus name, Amen! Gotta make that good fruit!

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