Monday, February 11, 2019

The Big Fight

1:13 p.m. I think it’s safe to say I think too much. The idea of writing cringey thoughts on my iPod is great, though they’re mostly negative. Here’s to hoping as time goes on, thank change.

‘Be Concerned’ may be my new favorite twentyonepilots song. It’s old but I haven’t really heard it until recently, and just put it on my iPod today.

Part of me wonders if the section for my journal and for cringey thoughts (which WON’T be going public, will bleed into each other.

It feels better not holding my negative thoughts in, shoving it all down, even if I know they aren’t actually true.

There’s already quite a few negative about April, but in reality she actually has great qualities. She just goes through periods of one long seemingly never ending bad (my life is miserable) mood from one day to the next, (denting herself joy) which is hard to watch her go through, but she has the positive moments worth cherishing. 

In the same breath, I’m not fit to judge, even myself. I could and very likely am very wrong in my opinions. Even if relying on just what I see/experience.

1:24 p.m. Today, I explored the fantasy of like, what if for like a week I recorded every thought (except my toxic sexual ones obviously) and it’ a lot. I mean, the best method of doing it would the voice memos, but that would involve someone overhearing me. And I’m not entirely comfortable about that. Maybe someday.

1:33 p.m. April and Rob are being really tense at each other at the moment. We’re in the car trying to find Rob’s dentist and tbh having April frustrate herself at trying to find a new place is always a frustrating thing..for her. For me it’s awkward and generally it’s my goal to keep silent, keep to my music and myself, and sit inside my calm and separate bubble from the situation. Stay in my peace.

Because just because someone else is frustrated, does not mean I’m required to be too, and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

2:23 p.m. The tenseness reached critical mass. Basically we found the place. 

When we left the truck April and Rob said some words and Rob said if she did (something I won’t say) he’ll kick us both out because he has a place to go and we don’t. Not sure how I got dragged into this. 

But Rob and I sat in separate seats and April stayed in the truck. 

3:24 p.m. And it got worse. April eventually came in towards the end, fighting back tears. 

Rob came out. I left to let them talk. And they came out to the truck.

April was about to get in when she fell and hurt her ankle (sadly reminiscent of the same incident her mother endured that led to her rapidly failing health) Anyway, she was trying to get in the truck, and fell and a shouting match of bottled up emotions between them ensued..kind of still ensuing. 

I went in to get some ice, and brought it, but April didn’t want any. The manager came out to see if she was okay but April (kindly) shooed her away.

Mostly, at the moment, I’m just trying to be deep enough in my headphones that I can’t hear what they’re saying. I’m trying not to worry. Keep calm. I’m separate. It’s not my situation (even though Rob is not only threatening to kick April out, but myself) but I’m staying out nonetheless cause I know as bad as things can get it can always get better. Always. It ALWAYS does. It ALWAYS passes and then we’re okay again. And I’m good with that. God’s got me. My mind is chill. Jesus rejoices over us all.

Thank God for journaling. Cause dealing with any issue, and just telling myself what I honestly believe in the moment, helps. God is peace. God is love. God is good. And I’m doing okay. 

I only wish the same for everyone else. 😂ðŸĪ—❤️ðŸĪŠ

4:47 p.m. Home. Rob is inside. April’s in the car, crying. Rob told me to be outside and make sure she doesn’t harm herself, so I am.

I’m not really worried she will. My worry is she *doesn’t* like people to see/know she’s crying. Therefore when she is, I generally not want to be in the vicinity. But in the case, I don’t really have a choice.

Rob’s kinda ragey at the moment and I’d like to avoid a reason to have any of it directed at me.

I also want food and planned on eating some as soon as I got here, but that didn’t go as planned. So..I’m out here until she’s ready to come inside.

Again, I don’t think she’ll harm/kill herself. She’s crying. But she’s also got her phone and talking on Discord, hopefully to someone she *can* choose to confide in.

And she wants personal space, and would that it were my choice without reprecussional risks thrusted on me by the obligation, I’d give her that. It’d be more helpful to her than subjecting her to having to have someone know she’s crying when she doesn’t want that. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. 

I didn’t ask to be thrust in the middle of this. 😔🙄 It’s not even my business. Oh, well. Life is what it is.

Sorry for being all complainy. I’m just put in a position right now where I’m being made to help in a way I don’t find particularly helpful, lest I get frustration thrust at me.

5:13 p.m. Rick arrived. Rob’s gonna y’all to her. I’m gonna sit here and overload on carbs (2 Tuna sandwiches and Mac)

9:30 p.m. April and Rob are at Dawn’s. April didn’t want me to go, which is fine cause I was really getting into this RPG maker I bought a while back.

I made a bunch of characters, inspired by my old novel, The Dream Doctor, and learned a ‘little’ about the world building part. But I tired out. So I hopped on YouTube. I got some cats and here I am.

9:49 p.m. They’re back.

11:54 p.m. Hung out with April and Rob. Alls normal as expected.

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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