Sunday, February 3, 2019

Out of My Head

5:12 p.m. The depression is real. The relapse I made last night being mainly to blame. I wrote a whole big confessional the night before, but I’ve barely let myself change.

Sleep is a huge struggle. I can’t even sleep until morning light comes it seems and even then, it’s hard. My mattress has this new slant in it I can’t figure out the cause of.

My back hurts. I’m slow. I’m sore. Full of sighs. I eat too much junk food. I make poor decisions, while knowing they are poor and doing it anyway. 

I try to get on with my day with this indistinct pit in my gut I can’t shake off.

Fighting the temptation to just ‘not bother with anything’ just cause I’m feeling so...not good. I don’t want to let it stand in the way. That’s not what’s meant for me.

Seemingly endless stream of twenty one pilots song in my head, back to back either consciously or unconsciously, which don’t get me wrong, the music is great..just kinda want a real ‘brain’ break. A quiet.

It switches up between the songs ‘My Blood’ and ‘Cut My Lip’ both of which are piano versions I heard recently and kinda fell in love with.

Funny to learn Tyler Joseph kept journals and regarding his dreams he started to wonder if that was meant for him, which is kinda where I’m at now. 😂 That’s kinda hopeful. 

Also congrats to Josh Dun and Debbie Ryan on their engagement.

I’ve been in fangirl mode, lately, excuse me. I just followed them on Insta today. 

5:30 p.m. Read over that confessional, which is private and I don’t want to blog-post it, and I feel just a little bit better. I kinda want to attempt sleep. I haven’t been up long, but it’s mainly what I want to do right now. It is a rest day after all. Pray for me, bruh. In Jesus Name, Amen! God is able to do abundantly above all I ask or think. 🤗😏

9:59 p.m. Sleep/no sleep. Chicken. Nachos. Twentyonepilots and peanuts. 😂

11:19 p.m. Stalking twentyonepilots Insta for two hours. Wut? 😳 Meanwhile listening to Indian Trap music mixes. See above reaction. I think I’m doing ok. At least when I’m not trying to sleep.

That was almost totally happy. But nah. Still okay. Right now. That’s okay. :)

*inward screaming inside about wishing she were in love already* 😂😂😂😂

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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