Monday, December 10, 2018

Mom's House: Day Six

9:05 a.m. It seems for the duration of my stay, I’ll have to take it in stride that I’m going to be accused of things I didn’t do.

Sigh..I’ll try to be fair, just gotta let this some format that doesn’t cause a backfiring on me.

First thing this morning, Jami ‘politely’ requests that I stop watching Netflix in the living room, as she believes it’s ruining the t.v. I’m skeptical, but then, what do I know?

All I did was connect it to the internet signal and log into a Netflix app. Not sure what that does to ruin televisions.

Next, to start replacing the water bottles in the fridge when I take them (which I didn’t, as I drank them directly out of the huge pack) but she claims that because it wasn’t being done, she went to get a cold one last night and couldn’t find one. 

Again, somehow this felt like it was directly on me. 🙄

Not that it’s an unreasonable request.

I opened the fridge and found cold ones, which I guess someone already out there since then, and added a few lukewarm ones on top of it.

To be honest, I had requested the pack of water bottles from Mom at the store yesterday and didn’t even realize any one else would be drinking them...still, I didn’t take any from the fridge. I drink them at room temperature, cause that’s what I’m used to doing at home.

Can I just stress the: 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

It’s her house. Her rules. I didn’t argue. I politely conceded. And apologized for any frustration I caused...even if I didn’t mean to cause it. 

No matter what, in any case, I always felt that just not arguing and conceding to people was the quickest way to end/avoid conflict. 

I’m not made for confrontation.

And I don’t mind her requesting things. I don’t mind her having rules. I don’t mind following them. What I mind is being subtely, or even up frontly, or politely, accused of things I didn’t do. 

Sigh. Big sigh. Total sigh. 

We have forgiveness. I do. And I’m trying to be a pleasant guest, I really am. And Mom, who lives here and knows the drill, helps that even more. 

Anyway. I’m several days away from my pleasant four-day vacation and I suppose then things will be bright-looking, as getaways tend to do. And then I get to go home.

It’s all good.

I’m mostly planning on hanging out in Mom’s room today unless I’m directly needed. Also for eating/bathroom etc.

I’m taking the time to update my entries to blogger, thank God/Jesus. Long overdue. Lord knows He has a plan. 

Adding them to blurb will have to wait until after I’m home, God Willing.

10:01 a.m. Entries satisfactorily backed up to blogger. Kinda hungry. Hoping this day doesn’t go south. Gotta keep my head up!!

10:43 a.m. Had a big healthy breakfast.

The elderly babysitter is leaving with Scarlet today for a bit. I have to be here, and awake, to greet the heater guy when he comes.

Awkward. He may ask me a bunch of questions I’m really not gonna know the answers to. I should probably make a point right away that I’m just visiting and know nothing about this place. 😂

10:56 a.m. Babysitter is leaving with the baby now. I’ll have the house to myself. And I need to do my laundry and make Mom’s bed! 😂

P.S. Early this morning I cashed out my lindens for like 19 bucks. It may be a little extra pocket change for the cruise.

Mom gave me a hundred and suggested I use half on the ship, and half on the island. 

She also suggested I put 50 bucks into a card for food and liquor, but honestly I’m not a heavy drinker. I’m only planning on getting one or two drinks (namely a tiki coconut one) and food is generally free. 😂 so maybe 20 or 30..

11:19 a.m. Laundry going. Bed made. Chill time.

The heater guy is here, with another dude who does know what’s going on, so that helps. All I had to do was let him in. 😂

11:38 a.m. Uncle Pat is home early. I said hi, and he responded it back..albeit quietly and hurried to the back where I assume the guys are doing the heater thing.

11:41 a.m. Just remembered to clean off the stove. 🙏😬 Didn’t want to get in trouble for that, after all. 😂 I had egg and chicken crumbs on it from breakfast this morning and wanted to wait until it was cool to clean it off.

P.S. Writing quite a bit of entry today while it’s so quiet and not busy. I like it.

12:58 p.m. I’ve been watching Supernatural on TNT...until now. Uncle Pat ran the power tools outside and the breaker kicked the power out.

I’m fine, though. It’s not like I need the tv (and I’m not using sarcasm) I can do offline things.

If I had a minor concern, it’d be that my netbook is currently unable to hold a charge and can’t charge/likely to die...

...and you ever have that feeling where you can’t seem to go one day without doing something wrong?

People tend to make me feel that way. I forgive them. But it’s a thing.

In reference to me not saying saying something about the breaker being off. 

I’m the only one here. There’s no other human being to hurl anger at. 

There’s an innumerable surplus of things I could enjoy with my day than to have to listen to an ongoing stream of curses over matters I have no control of. 

The breaker keeps kicking off every time he runs the power tools and I turned things off and unplugged them and I’m in the position where I have to choice but to listen to the string of angry swearing and storming about every time it happens.

It’s really uncomfortable. I moved to Mom’s room. I’m crying. I can’t say something without risking causing some kind of worry or drama. 

All I can do is turn it to the Lord and let Him work. Let Him get me through a situation that doesn’t seem like I have a way out of.

Maybe best I can do is stay out of sight and mind alone in Mom’s room, like I am now..unless I get called on/out about it. 

I’m really not enjoying this. Lord knows.

P.S. No internet. So I can’t even talk to April about this. Usually I vent to her to feel better. She’s often really helpful in that way. 🙄😕🙁☹️😣😖😫😩🥺

1:11 p.m. I seem to have stopped crying. For the moment. Everything...for the silent. 

It would be peaceful, if not for the inner dread that this problem is just gonna role things up again.

Because if the power goes out. I’m not gonna notice. I’m in Mom’s room with everything turned off and the door shut.

I get blamed for not saying something. Again. For not knowing. Having anger and cursing thrown at me (made to feel like a useless idiot or something) because I’m the only person here to do it to. I’ve been in that place more than a few times. Even though it’s been quite a long while. And I take it quietly.

That’s how I feel. That’s what I dread. It’s pretty much how life goes for me.

I don’t want to feel this way. By any means. I just..I certainly wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t my reality. 

Sometimes...with people around me..things just get toxic. Uncomfortable. Scary. Crying again.

Deep breaths.

I just keep hoping at this point no ones gonna call my name. Like I can just stay out of the way until it’s all over. Even if that doesn’t seem realistic.

1:35 p.m. Still here. Just not doing so great right now. Crying more.

I’ve just got these major problems with:

  1. Blamed for things I didn’t do.
  2. Anger/frustration at me.
  3. When it feels like I can’t go one day here without doing something wrong. 
  4. Being around others who are angry. And feeling cornered into that situation. 

Not fun. Not easy. Isolation helps, but that in itself isn’t perfect. 

I’m longing to lay this on April, get some human comfort here that I can trust isn’t going to have family repercussions. And I can’t...cause the internet is off.

Listening to music to try and feel better. Unfortunately, I can’t put headphones on and just get lost in it cause someone may call my name, I won’t hear it, and I’ll get treated like I’m an idiot for it. I just can’t deal right now. Not with any of this.

And it feels like until I know the situation is completely passed that I can have an assured recovery from this mood. Not without risking something just making me feel worse and put me back where the sadness started. 

1:49 p.m. If I could I’d be home right now. Just...anywhere. Miles away until I knew this wasn’t a problem anymore. That I didn’t have to worry or think about it anymore. What I wouldn’t give for that way out right now?

But I can’t. And..that’s hard. Really hard.

I’s been mostly quiet. He went through the house angry and swearing at least once more since I wrote. Still mostly quiet. Otherwise. 

I’m just still crying at my thoughts, yo. I want a way out and the situation to be over...just something to not be this...and it’s just not there yet.

Listening to twentyonepilots.

1:56 p.m. I’m getting calmer. Quieter. Tears are flowing just a little less.

I’ve been resisting leaving Mom’s room to go to the bathroom cause I just don’t want to be in the line of sight as he rushes through the house full of anger. Yeah. That wouldn’t be great.

It’s not like a physical abuse thing to fear or something. Never. Or even emotional abuse.

Just since I’m the only one; there is literally no one else here to slur angry words at, I have to bear it. And it’s uncomfortable, more than anything, and just depressing.

Bruh, I need a therapist. I could totally see just passing my entries to one and seeing what they have to say. 😂

At least there’s God and prayer. It totally helps. But laying burdens on a [willing] human being, seeking their help (as long as they don’t give toxic advice), helps as well.

Clearly things aren’t always sad. But ..just for some reason staying at someone else’s house for a prolonged period of time (except Dad’s) rarely worked out for me. 

I was always somebody’s problem in one way or another, without even trying. It was just always something I did wrong. Big or small.

And that’s aside from the certain few people who were emotionally abusive to me. 

I mean, I’ve forgiven them and I’m not gonna name names (not slander) but, I’ve told April that since early childhood there always seemed to be that one person inserted in my life who emotionally abused me in each stage of my growth. A different person each stage (sometimes more than once) where that was...what it was.

Wore me down hard over the course of my long life and definitely affected my psychology. Abuse I took, just as I take, or try to, whatever’s thrown at me now. (Not that I’m in that abusive situation) 

I also don’t tell my family this ever happened. One, cause slander. But also because I don’t think they’d believe it. Or if they did, maybe they couldn’t grasp the extent.

I’ve thought some awful stuff about myself. Stuff that not very far down, I know is not true, yet in some ways convinced myself that it is true. Cause situations I’m frequently in led me to think this is how other people view my existence.

That every day I’m always doing something wrong. Even if I don’t mean to. Even if it’s something I never even considered I was doing. 

That I’m annoying, especially if I bring something up. That I’m a burden; imposing. That kind of stuff. That’s what I’ve been made to feel. 

And I know it’s not true. Well, not completely. Of course I do something wrong every day. Cause everyone makes mistakes. I just have a hard time with it pointed out to me on a daily basis. 

There was that day DJ made me feel like I was a burden to Mom and Mom had to try and calm me down from sobbing and assure me I’m not.

I don’t really have an explanation for the annoying thing. I annoy people. I’m aware and I can’t even convince myself different. Cause I bring things up. I’m never completely right when I suggest things. Being faced with eye rolls and long sighs, especially if being the bearer of bad news. Though April tries to convince me otherwise.

And there are just those times where it seems/feels like people just want someone to be angry at, even for things I have no control over (someone to blame) and I’m there and I’m vulnerable and it’s totally convenient to do that to me. Cause It’s not like I fight back.

Sometimes it seems like there’s just a really sad life sitting behind my silence. One people couldn’t imagine. I’ve...taken a lot...a LOT of abuse in my life. Much that no one, but I knows or can believe. And I took it quietly. (In the non-confrontational sense.) Almost all my life it feels like. hard.

Yes. It gets better. Things pass. There are joys and happy periods. Things worth being alive for, God above all. This will pass. Sadness ends. Pain ends. All in the name of Jesus. 

The bad memories happened, and they are over. Sure, they play a part in the way I think/feel/am in some big or small way in my life, but overall they are passed. 

This too, shall pass. And I will be happy. It’s a tough/rough wait, even an impatient one, but it gets there. 

Deep breath. Wiping these eyes.

Long emotional post. I think I’ll be breaking this entry into two parts. 😂


2:30 p.m. Tears drying. Wondering if I’ve really been crying for hours now. Read over and over and edited my post. Still listening to twentyonepilots. That is a seriously soothing band. 😂 Great got depressed people, lemme tell ya. 🙏❤️🤗😍😇 The gospel ones are my favorite. The early stuff. 😂

I’m pretty close to letting myself leave the room. 

3:48 p.m. Still in Moms room. Internet is back.

5:30 p.m.  Vented to April. Mistakes apologized for. Ate a late lunch. And all is peaceful. 

7:30 p.m. Not much new of note. Unless you count me trying to feed Scarlet when it turned out she already ate. 😂

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

You May Also Like: