A Daily Diary: Lonerness

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Thursday, August 17, 2017

Lonerness



Don't ask why I picked now to say something. Earlier today I was convinced I barely had anything to talk about.

Then I saw a Castiel Gif today and realized.
Today a few people have tried talking to me on the internet, but I was too busy for them.

When I go on Secondlife, almost daily, I go in my zone. I get focused. I'm not chatty. 

Unless...it's with someone else who is a creator like myself, and we get to nerd out over the  business....meanwhile knowing long pauses mean we're busy in an art program.

I don't do it to be rude. It comes off kinda rude. It's just that feeling of...thanks for saying hi...but it's not a good time to talk. Rarely is, actually. Especially if I'm doing something, anything really. 

80 percent of the time I'm on the computer, I'm busy on something. Another percent is I'm caught up binge watching something.

I'm a go getter. For the most part. When I'm on a task, I want to focus on the task. Conversations makes that...discomforting on some level.

I'm soooo not a social person.

My social life extends to my two roommates, other artists, and occasionally my family members. I don't talk to them enough either.

I'm kinda frowny about it. People make the effort to say hi and I wiggle my way out of a few minute conversation so I can get on with my plans. (The ones talking interrupts) So to those people, I apologize.

To put it in perspective, it's like at a mall. You're on your way, determined to find a specific store. That's your mission. It's what you came to do. A merchant pulls you aside as you're walking and tries to sell you their hair straightener or hand cream for like ten, fifteen minutes. Then at the end you have to apologize and insist you weren't planning on buying it. THEN you get, quite awkwardly, to go on your way. It feels like that to me.

In short: It's not that I don't like people, I'm just too busy with my own plans to make time for them.

Another reason, of many I can think, I'm happiest being single. Forever.

Yeah, it's pretty selfish. I knowww. :/

'I'm too busy with my own thing, focusing on me and my stuff. Me, me, me. I, I, I. My business. I don't want something coming in the middle of that.' Etc. etc. etcetera!

So there's the thought for today.

I know being  so standoffish is not favorable in God's eyes, on a final note. Just being honest here about my imperfections. Sigh.

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