Monday, July 24, 2017

Would You Look At Me? Avoiding Updates Again.

I'm feeling very 'outlooky' on my life today. I suppose it's a good thing. I'm approaching thirty and it's about that time where you get really serious about where you want your life to go.

I'm considering going into therapy soon, just as April and Rob have. Not for any particular reason, I'm just curious to know what's going to come out of me doing it. I'm not looking forward to being put on a bunch of pills, and April said I can opt out of that option up front, but then my Mom is hoping that I do so we can put me on disability. She's been wanting that for me for quite some years now, God knows.

I spent a long time convincing myself I don't need it, disability, and that it would be wrong for me to apply for it because there are people out there who need it more than I would. Then my mind keeps flooding back to the last time I held a job and why it didn't work out.

I have major anxiety issues and I do tend to let my emotions get the best of me, interfering with progress. I can be over-dramatic in anxiety-ridden situations. Of course, I can't really say I've had a huge anxiety attack since I last held a job.

I'm still debating with myself...probably not so much over whether or not I can hold a job...because I doubt I can. But the needing disability thing because it provides income while I'm unable to work.

And don't think I haven't tried to apply for a job. I have. Four of them. Not one called me back. Pizza Hut outright rejected me via email. I was too honest on the application, and April said that's why they don't call her back either. Can't pretend to be the kind of person they aren't for an application to get a job.

Someone should tell Trump how hard it is to get a job, them ask him why people don't have a human right to help from a government meant to protect them if they can't afford food or healthcare on their own.

I would refuse to go to a doctor, probably even in a life or death situation, because I feel like my poverty-ridden self would be paying for it until, or even after, I'm dead.

That's another thing though. And beware, I'm going into both religion and politics here. I don't get why some Christians are so against food stamps and other things that help the poor, like free education or health care aides. Someone gets these things and they scoff about them being lazy and freeloaders, (because it costs their tax dollars) but all I can think is 'Wouldn't Jesus Himself defend and even help them, the ones receiving aide, regardless of the reason?" Just saying.

I wonder what change there would be if we all, as children of Christ, asked ourselves that question before saying someone is too lazy to receive government aide for basic human needs.

I don't know. I mean, I know what I'm saying above, but going back to the being on disability thing.

I do kinda pray about it. I love the Lord, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I'm blushing about my thoughts and shrink back a little...maybe because a part of me feels like I know the answer and am afraid I won't want to hear it.

Such as with the 'getting on disability' thing. Like, this is a situation where I'm acknowledging that I let anxiety, worry, and frustration take over my life where it shouldn't...and God knows I shouldn't have to. Add to the fact that I keep telling myself that such a feeling is inevitable, which is why I can't hold a job. Therefore, it's why I should be on disability but I don't think, in God's eyes, I'm truly disabled (just fearful and overruled by things I ought not to be) and therefore I'm just trying to claim a benefit for something that's a lie to the government and that's wrong in God's eyes. (and lying to God, too, no less.) Needing the money because I don't see another way of getting it, aside from the few dollars I scrounge up from Secondlife, though I doubt He really approves of that either.

I guess you can say today this is an open letter to God. I know He's smiling on me and listening to me let these thoughts out. And it feels good, and it's a little hard acknowledging this stuff that I haven't really put into words.

I carry secular relationships around me, out of love, because I believe love (and not abandoning people [abandonment is not love to me]) is the godly way, so I can't really talk about it to anyone like this and expect them to get it. So I don't. I'm glad I'm saying it here and letting it out of my head.

ANYWAY! I know getting on disability, even if I were to make my feeble attempt, is hard, and even harder in a Trump perhaps all these worries about whether or not I should try are for naught, because I doubt I could get approved anyway.

It took Rob years and two different lawyers to get it done, to put it in perspective.

Idk, I'm not Rob. I'm me. Whatever God wills, if He makes it happen on that path or not, it will be done.

Now that I've gone in depth about my recent internal/kinda external struggles, I can share what's been going on the past month:

I've been writing a WHOLE lot. I started and didn't finish a bunch of books, but currently got two novels in the works and one of them is a series I've just started attempting.

All my unfinished stories are being bound in one book so I can keep them in case some many years from now I decide to continue them after all with better plots.

I even bought ZenWriter, which let me tell you, is WONDERFUL. It's a'distraction-free' writer with music that really helps me get lost in my story and out of nowhere, just suddenly get 1000 words down faster than I can say 'Ka-BAM!' So happy about that. ^_^ I highly recommend it.

BUFFYVERSE! I've been watching Buffy/Angel together for the first time and understanding the storylines a lot better now. Coming down to the last seasons on both. S7 on Buffy (soon) and S4 of Angel. (Also soon.)

Harmony visited recently and she only managed to wet my bed once, which is an improvement, believe me. All it cost me was laundry and a mattress flip, lol. She's recently four years old, by the way.

I took her shopping and let her pick out toys, taught her to play computer games and how to snap her fingers :) (which she could do, so proud), made play-doh for her and she went swimming and on park trips. Even a McDonalds trip at one point where they gave her a free extra juice, extra fry, and free ice cream. Lots of Netflix and Youtube, lol.

She also seriously LOVES the 'Emperor's New Clothes' music video from Panic! at the Disco. You can blame me for that. :P She was scared of the music video once so I showed her this:

 Now she loves the music video with the 'dancing monster:'


God. XD That's great.

People I know are really getting into the 'work from home' business, the kind where companies have you sell their products and recruit others to do far I remain immune. :P

Um...this song. Thanks Twenty-One Pilots, and God, for making me find it, lol.:

Still teetering between eating healthy and not, with the health side winning of late. Relaxed my boiled peanut addiction, so that's a plus.

Starting up a life's savings after realizing I spend too much on frivolous things, 'FINALLY.' Slow going due to a VERY small income but I'm sure it has God's blessing. Too much money was getting drained on peanuts and computer games last month, so we are nipping that problem in the bud, NOW.

Grandpa recently had heart surgery, and the family waited all day at the hospital to support him. Praise Jesus, the Lord of all, he came out of it alright. They went in through his thigh, instead of his chest, improving his survival chances.

He's old. He has emphysema, (also meanwhile once cleared black mold out of Mom's former trailer) had a leaking heart valve, has a lump on his spine at the bottom of his spine that cannot be removed (I forget if it's a tumor or not) and he's a smoker (but he plans to quit, thank Jesus.) Still kicking -thumbs up- and works hard, no less.

I consider myself close to my Grandpa. He's very open minded with me, which I love. I'm not too social with my family, not that there's any grudges there, but I do try to call him once in a while. He's easy to tell things, too. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Mind you, the selfie below with Grandpa is particularly special because I very VERY rarely have pictures of me with my family in the same photo, even my parents. I think my high school grad photo was the last time I took a picture with both my Mom and Dad, to put it in perspective. (Ahem, that was around 11 years ago.)

Also, I made a day of it there meanwhile hanging out with these three little ladies in my family. They played tag in the [sometimes] empty lunch courtyard at the hospital.

There was a wonderful fireworks show on July 4th that I joined April and Rob on, though we got bit by mosquitoes, it was a worthy experience.

I think that about covers it. This afternoon, I'm going with April to her therapist's appointment and I don't really have too many plans after that. Aside, maybe, from Secondlife work and some more writing.

Which by the way, the second novel/first series is mostly so I have a book to work on while I don't get too far ahead on the first novel (which is supposed to be only written one page a  day for a 365 day challenge) though some days I procrastinate and write several pages in a day because I get too into the plot. So I give it days to catch up. XD It's a whole thing.

Also, I've dropped nearly twenty pounds this first half of the year, so I'm pleased with that. :D #loveyourself #praiseGod

Also, downloaded new music. Still conflicted in my soul about some of it because I make the argument to myself that if it's not available to be purchased, it's not stealing. That whole thing. Sorry, God. :( But yeah...getting that out there.

EDIT: About the disability thing, I think I'm feeling in my spirit that it's not a lie or offense to God if I'm not gaining help by unrighteous means. If he wills it to happen, within those VERY legal means, so be it. Perhaps that helps me on my journey, remembering that.

11:55 a.m. So I was contemplating some deep stuff on my ride to April's doctor's. (Also, I really wish the microphone worked in my notes section, but it doesn't seem to. :/)

I need to write the Gospel of Christ somewhere more visible on my blog.

Anyway! Thoughts.

April suggests that deciding whether or not I need to pursue disability aide should come AFTER I have therapy sessions.

Also I'm thinking about those times I contemplate if I'm going to be condemned for my sins, and needing to remember Christ's promise of redemption (As well as the things He said are needed to enter the kingdom.)

Thought about that quite a bit.

Thought about if I die young, I want my funeral at Terrace Palms Community Church. Because that's where my family often has [Mema excluded.] (You'll never find me suicidal in the least, no worries.) Just saying that seeing people in my life dying young (before age 25) always has my mortality in sharp focus.

I have songs I want played at my funeral for crying out 28. Is that even normal? Haha. Like:

Time to say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman (more recently)

Take Me Away - Globus (definitely)

Meadows of Heaven - Nightwish

As well as the classic 'Amazing Grace.'

There's others for sure, just can't think of them at the moment.

Namely. XD Sorry, it's not supposed to be a lighthearted just comes to mind sometimes. Especially in car rides.

Like when I die, I want to hear Opera Metal Gospel music upon entering Heaven. Even if I die old. (I mean FROM Heaven, not just it playing in the room.) Like that, would be soooo awesome!

O.O My family would be very sensitive and worried about me going on this topic, so I apologize.

Obviously, I don't mention this to them. I'm young and have a full life ahead of me to enjoy. Praise God.

I also, years ago, had a (very crazy) episode that got me institutionalized for several weeks, which will always have them on edge...though I'm long past being the person I was then.

I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to die or planning to die young or something. I want to live, and shall. For a very, very, long and harmless time if I can.

I'm just saying God can collect my soul at any time and I know it...meanwhile my mind wanders to some last wishes now and then...with a peaceful smile...scary as that sounds to some.

Again, that happens. Internal funeral planning on some small level but very much emphasizing that it does NOT mean I'm wanting to end my life. Ever.

Contemplating that kind of stuff.

Part of this is explaining my feelings, to let them out, but another part is the obligation to let whoever reads this know that there's nothing wrong here.

Happy life and enjoying it now, while looking forward to my future God has planned. I DO want it to go on for a long long LONG time. Kay'?  :)

12:46 p.m. Welp. Gonna eat a bean and cheese burrito from taco bell. One doesn't hurt, does it?

1:36 p.m. I'm home now and we're going to pick Rob up around four. I'm gonna feel that burrito later for sure. Water helps. It's been a real 'soul bearing' kind of day, hasn't it? O.O Whose gonna read all this besides me, who has read over it several times now? Lol. I end with that...for now.

P.S. REALLY need to update my journal book, too, with these entries? Don't ya think? I think so.

2:07 p.m. That's done. Didn't take too long, did it? I still have eighty pages to fill on that thing before I let myself order it and it actually begins in May 22, 2015. No joke. XD It'll be a happy day when I fill it and order it, ya know?

It's mostly because I used to write daily or almost daily, for years, now I write mostly weekly or monthly. 


All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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