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Thursday, June 8, 2017

So Here Is Where I Blog The Deep Feelings.

9:50 a.m. SO! Yesterday, I had my first date! Overall it went well. This post just kinda goes through how I was feeling through the whole thing rather than too many specifics.

It started with me getting ready a bit too early before he was supposed to arrive, so I kinda wandered around sort of excited and nervous. Both April and my Mom also told me to get the model and tag number of the car for safety reasons. which he happily obliged to tell show me even with ID.

I could see their concern. Meeting a guy online is not always the safest so one has to take precaution. Then you have the thing where everyone I love is also very protective of me, hahah.

Anyway, he arrives and gets a big hug. He also gave me a striped rose. (awww) He's about a foot bigger than me so I felt so tiny, and we listened to Pantera quietly on the way to the restaurant. I didn't say too much, then again, I often don't. I told him I was like that up front at least.

Um, almost immediately he opened with a dirty joke. I was polite about it but it did make me feel a little uncomfortable. Also, cussing here and there was kind of an issue for me, but he didn't know that. I think I 'subtley' mentioned it at dinner eventually, but yeah. I told myself these were little things, and to not let it stop me from trying to pursue something that could make me happy overall.

We got there (Longhorn Steakhouse) and I got the door myself and he joked about me doing it before he could hold the door open for me. Then we got a booth and at first he jokingly slid in on my side and later switched.

We ordered wings to start and some bread, then I had chili cheese fries and he had steak. We talked but there were those awkward moments I expected where we kinda had to stare at each other and weren't sure what to keep talking about. He didn't seem to mind, though. :) I talked a bit too much about health and diet stuff (in my own opinion.)

So yeah, dinner went off without a hitch.

It's around late 9ish I think and we decide to go check out Books a Million, cause we both love books. We got out of the car and he said it was time to do the 'lift test' or something. :P This was where he doesn't consider a woman fat if he can lift her. So he does, and then spins me around the parking lot, making me laugh. What girl wouldn't enjoy that moment? (non-sarcasm)

Then we go in and wander around, looking at things. he holds my hand, too. Minding you, I'm 28 and have actually never dated, so something so normal was actually quite new to me. Also, his hands were huge compared to my own. I got in the moment (and more on this 'said' kind of topic later.)

We mostly looked at Pop figures and then he headed to the bathroom. I wandered around pretty awkwardly (which I don't normally do.) I think it was weird because I was broke and normally when I'm here I actually have money. So it was a lot of aimless and non-specific wandering.

Occasionally, during this trip, he was rubbing my back. I didn't rub back or lean in as one might be expected to do. I think, again, this was due to it all being new to me and my brain was subconsciously just taking this experience in slow. I literally walked around with my arms folded to myself.

This brings to strong focus the realization that I forgot I knew. I am a 'non-romantic' person. Apparently, I'm just like my Dad in that aspect, lol. April calls it 'asexual' with me but I more prefer the term 'non-romantic.' I...am not a romantic type. I'm very laid back and I realized that the ideal relationship for me would involve hanging out like best buddies, having the same romantic emotional connecting, but skipping out on any form of PDA whatsoever.

But...dating is about two, not the one. I can reciprocate...to a point. I'm reasonable.

Anyway, so we also decide to head to the theater and were choosing between the new Pirates movie, which was already beginning and waiting a half hour of Guardians of the Galaxy Two. He already saw Pirates, so we got with Gotg2.

There was more hand holding and wandering around the arcade until they were done cleaning the theater, and after getting a soda, then going in and sitting through twenty minutes of ads. He put the classic arm around me and I didn't really lean into it...much. Again, still new to this sort of thing because my brain is not sure how it wants my body to respond.

Then we held hands. He held it so tight at one point though that half my hand went numb and I couldn't feel my pinky. But, I didn't say anything. I was happy, comfortable, and okay. I was having a good time. He didn't lean in to kiss me, which was also kind of a relief because there is only so much new experience going on at once that I want to handle.

Eventually, April skypes and wonders where I am and we laugh about it and reassure her. At one point, he was sitting with his hands in his lap for a while which made me wonder if he kinda gave up on the cuddling idea because I was less than reciprocative.

So I did eventually cuddle on him at one point in the movie. I..am going to try to describe this the best I can. I was physically into it and aware, smiling, comfortable, a bit warm (my eye makeup kept making my eyes water, though) but I noticed emotionally, something in me felt 'missing.' It wasn't a moment where I felt completely 'whole.' This did kinda bother me, the lack of that feeling, I mean.

The same thing went for after the movie when he held my hand. I could feel it, be okay about it, happy, but there was a feeling (I don't know what) I expected to be present, but it wasn't. I didn't end up mentioning any of this. Honestly, wouldn't it make it sound like I wasn't happy about it?

A couple times he kissed my hand and it made me smile, I felt the tiniest bit of sunshine. I also half-lectured myself in my head about being more open to people and opening up my heart.

I think what was also somewhere on my mind was knowing there might have to be a goodnight kiss. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's fabulous for other people, but I'm still waving my non-romantic flag inside, just not in public because I'm a shy awkward dork. XD

So we get up to my house and helped me unload the stuff. He held me and leaned in for a kiss, mind you he's very tall so if I were to kiss him, tip-toe effort would have to be made on top of this. He eskimo kissed at first, then I felt a bit of unpleasant breath come at me (it happens.) He could sense the hesitation so he went for a cheek instead, much to my relief. That was a gentleman move.

I reassured him that it didn't mean I didn't like the date, which I think he got.

So we said goodnight and I went in to do the 'girly gushing' to April about how this all went. It wasn't long before I went into getting her advice on my 'non-romantic' personality and what this 'missing feeling' issue was. She reassured me that it was totally normal, as this was a new thing, and the fact that I reciprocated instead of being completely stand-offish was a big move on my part, which is true.

I also mentioned what I thought that 'missing' feeling was. I think in the past where I dreamt I did these sort of things, there was the high or euphoric bliss that I wasn't catching from real life.

Then she told me of course, that nobody gets the same high from it in real life as they do in dreams.

Oh! when we were in the car he told me to feel the cotton of his sleeve. I did it, feeling he was about to say something silly, then he goes 'Does this feel like boyfriend material?' I laughed hard, because it was such an adorable moment...and I told him yes.

So, I come back to the computer and he says that he couldn't resist grabbing my butt. Like, I don't know if that's the norm, but for me it was kind of a big deal. I mean, I was already processing these little things and some move like that, kinda let me down.

The last thing I want, is to be seen and enjoyed for, as a body. I want someone to enjoy my personality. Like for years, that was the biggest issue. For me, that kinda stuck a wet blanket on my feelings. Like that made me 'really' uncomfortable.

I did mention that it made me feel discomforted and he did apologize.

I'm REALLY wanting to give this dating thing a try. It's a new experience and I'm learning about myself along the way. If it lasts, great. If it doesn't, I'm more than content to be a happy celibate marriage-less woman the rest of my life without issue.

Ugh. Oi. I'm like happy and excited, even optimistic, and at the same time all my brain can think about is eventually, I'm gonna have kiss him. :/

It's not him that's the issue.

It's the non-romantic anti-PDA-wishing bulk of my existence.
I don't...want to be...kissed. And that, would be a difficult thing for any normal guy to understand in this kind of world, and probably makes a girl very, very undateable.

But I'm trying not to make this all about me and understand that a guy is gonna want to express himself that way, eventually.

I know I 'don't' have to if I don't want to. It's understandable if he's willing to hold off so I'm not uncomfortable, but doesn't come off sounding as reasonable if I say I need it 'indefinitely.'

Because I genuinely don't think I will ever be comfortable enough to kiss a guy. It's because of who I am.

It's all kind of conflicting, ain't it? Emotionally, I'm there. It's the physical part where I fall short and I feel like this may lead to being emotionally distant too, which is honestly sad on a guy's part. And already, my feelings about the physicality issue are nibbling away at the emotional happiness and bubbliness that's there. He does make me smile and laugh, like a lot. He's a great guy.

I'm obviously very different from typical women, or at least it seems that way.

Ultimately, it comes down to this:

Do I want to date him?
Absolutely.

BUT I'm not a romantic, and I would be happiest in some relationship where PDA wasn't a thing and we could just hang. The lovely 'lovey-dovey' feelings can be there but physically it's just like best friends. And....I don't know how to bring it up to where it doesn't come across like it's him, when it's me.

AND
I am at least wanting to give the relationship a real chance and see what develops in the future. I want to know if I will fall in love eventually.

BUT
we come back to me definitely not wanting to be kissed but the longer I date, the more likely it had to come up. And I wouldn't be looking forward to it every time we did get together. It'll be on the back of my mind. I know he'd say he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, which is noble of him, but the thing is I don't see myself ever being comfortable with it. Though I DO want to date him, I feel like this would be a big issue for him at some point.

I do a lot of overthinking. Can't you tell? lol.

I also meant to meditate last night and emotionally go over all this then, but I was WAYYYY too tired. We got home at like 2 a.m. (Also, April and Rob enjoyed the bacon and cheddar fries. Rob said he plowed through them, lol.) I took all my makeup off and went to BED!

P.S. In writing this, I had hoped to come to some sort of epiphany but I'm not feeling it yet. Or if I already wrote it, I haven't noticed.

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