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Friday, June 16, 2017

Hard Epiphanies

8:05 p.m. Once again, I've come back from Mom's and limited wifi, and have waited until now to return home and write down the thoughts that have run over my head this weekend.

First off: I am no longer, no have the future intention of, dating.

I've come to some realizations about myself.

I do not like touching, or to be touched. I don't like being flirted with. I don't enjoy pet names (though for a very brief time, I did.)

I don't want to knowingly enter another situation where I am faced with those things.

I don't like cussing, dirty jokes, or being groped. Certainly not kissed, except by a family member. And again, will be happier off not being in the presence of it happening towards me, much worse finding it in any way funny.

I did forgive that he grabbed my butt. I didn't feel it but only realized that because he said so and laughed it off at first because he seemed to think I was supposed to find it cute that 'he couldn't resist doing it.'

I was angry about it later when (later in the week, thinking about it.) I realized he basically touched me there 'without' my consent, attempted to kiss me at the end of the night 'without' my consent (though he did both apologize about the first thing and then kissed me on the cheek when I was wary to kiss him back.)

I suppose the normal dating world consists of it happening without the need to ask the woman if it's what she wants, just dives right into doing it because 'it's expected' to be allowed.

Men. GET YOUR CONSENT!!!!! ASK. I am NOT the only woman who wants you to do that.

Yet another reason I have no qualms whatsoever about not dating anyone the rest of my life.

It's safe. It's safer, more confident, and reassuring, especially in my walk with God, to not let a man into my life, or my heart, again.

I cannot control other people. I can control ME and my inhibition. Me, by myself, I can avoid these things on my own as opposed to a situation where you cannot inhibit it coming from someone else.

I know even aside from these things, as I said before, I function better in a solitary environment. Yes, the decision to not be with anyone DOES sound kind of sad to some, like I'm choosing to be lonely for the rest of my life, but I only see the positive prospect of it. It suits ME.

After all I've gone through in my life, the last thing I want any man focusing on is my body. Groping does not equate to that. Just saying. I did accept the apology, but I'm not over it. Being touched like that, even once, even after an apology, bothered me to a deep part of my soul. I didn't ask for it, or try to do anything to hint I wanted it to happen. I did not provoke it. I don't wrap my mind around that a person finds it okay, cute, and normal to do. But that's me.

I've been traumatized in the past, okay? If a man treats me lustfully, I feel like I'm targeted and I don't understand what I would have done to deserve being targeted. It's heartbreaking. It's like picking me out of the world to be your object of desire and lust and I am unable to understand WHY ME?! Why target me for that, especially when I did nothing to provoke it?

I'm a human being, not an object for any form of sexual delight, groping, and pleasure. Sigh.

This is hard. This is something wrong with my life that I just want to go away and never happen again. I was relaxing on my time away and even battled some very old personal demons on a deep level (and sometimes felt like I was on the losing side of that battle) but this kind of stuff WAS on my mind while I was gone.

I didn't trust men to start with. I still don't. EVERY time I tried to let my guard down, and decide maybe 'this' time I could, it backfired. I can't trust men, anymore. I don't. I can't seem to name a single time (except my male roommate or a family member) where trusting a guy didn't backfire on me.

I don't understand why I'm a target.

I don't want to be in any position where I can be a target ever again.

I want to be left alone, to myself, where I'm safe forever from men treating me, and acting, the way I don't want to happen.

This is so true on so many levels, I cannot begin to describe it.

I...have more to say on lighter subjects but need to breathe after this post. Jesus Christ help me.

EDIT: Reading previous posts, there's something I have to tell my past self.

'No.' No, you do not have to compromise/give in when uncomfortable just because you aren't the only one in the relationship and what is uncomfortable for you, is not for them. Don't shrug it off and force yourself to be okay with situations you are not okay with just because you don't want to bother the other person.

Thanks for giving it a try, even a brief one, and I'm glad the feelings you had deep down eventually made themselves known to you and you could put it into words.

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