Monday, May 22, 2017

Back Home!!

9:04 p.m. The activities can be kept short and simple. I stayed at a resort hotel over the weekend, noticed a major (positive) body change, played with my beloved nieces and suffered a light sunburn.

I DID go to Old Town but that didn't go so well most of the night. Harmony got a fever and Mom had to stay home, so I was left going with my sister...who was mainly interested in hanging with her own clique while Aaliyah and I lingered behind them and died of bored.

Had a depression meltdown but was calmed down after by Jen's boyfriend. He's nice.

We had a nice party with cake and presents too, but my camera malfunctioned during the cake portion and I got no record of it. I did videotape most of the other vacation though. :)

Mom got me a new 'pink' iPod touch and Aaliyah got my old one as planned, so that's a plus. It was kind of a pain to set up but it's fine now, lol.  Oh! and she got me a girly case. :D I'll have a picture at some point, God Willing, lol.

Now I need to get to the not so great stuff. I haven't been doing so well. Here's what I consider my major flaws/negative thoughts I need to get out:

1. I get anxiety anytime I'm sent to look for something if I don't know where it is. Be it to get something for someone from another room (if they dont know EXACTLY where it is) or find an office in a building without being told the exact location.

2. I have trouble convincing myself that I'm not annoying just about everyone around me. I feel like I just frustrate people, someone, every day.

Pardon me if talking about this makes me want to cry. I wouldn't mention it if I didn't think it was true. 

3. I'm pretty lonely. I have two friends (real life, anyway) and they were both away while I was on this familky vacation.

4. I've started having episodes where these things kind of lead me to making unnecessary scenes.
Such as again with Old Town I walked off on my own, sat somewhere, and sobbed on the phone to April about how lonely my time was feeling there.

 Then the other day before that where I was put in such a situation where I felt the combined pressure of everyone being irritated with me at once, plus being a small room and increasing my anxiety, that I stormed off cussing about it. I later apologized.

5. When it comes to family activities, ESPECIALLY shopping with siblings, I feel like I fall quietly into a background, then get left to watch the kids while people carry on the other business. (Also an example of the Old Town thing that happened.)

6. I don't speak up about it because (see number two.)

7. April has gotten to the point where she's admittedly terrified that I'm gonna get mad and blow up at her if I ask for help and she says she can't. That breaks my heart since she's my best friend. I told her I'm really trying to work on that and I don't know how long it would take for her to see that. I am trying.

I know I need therapy. I'm aware. Depression, anxiety, loneliness, feeling like a pestilence or a burden at times to someone, and unnecessary pent up anger over all this stuff...not to mention people consider me as responsible as a young teenager (who doesn't know what to do with their life) as opposed to someone my current age. I'm not the type that gets taken seriously by anyone, I think, or trusted to take on most things on my own that other people wouldn't bat an eyelash about someone else doing.

I DO know I'd never commit suicide, or self-harm. Although sometimes to keep from crying in front of people, I'd bite my tongue too hard...then urge myself to stop. I got my faith and God to thank for not choosing to end my life, but it doesn't mean life still isn't this hard sometimes.

8. I don't fit in. With anyone. Not with my current friends or their set of friends, not with my family, not with anyone I know. I don't have a group out in the world I really mesh with, who shares my likes, humor, and interests. I think God is meaning for me to go to Church and find it but it's my own fault for not making the effort.

Let me just repeat that I'm an incredibly lonely person.

This is gonna sound funny but kids are sweet. I love my nieces because they think the world of me, and manage to tell me uplifting things that even grownups don't think to say. They have nothing but nice respectful things to say to me. They really have a special way of making me feel happy and loved. That's what I love about Harmony and Aaliyah. I get really close with those little girls, them with me, and they can really make me forget about these things a while.

And they don't even know they do that. ;)

NOW!! I let that out. May add to it more if needed. Exciting things. I got paid today and went on a little shopping spree.

I got (and can you tell I LOVE 90's flicks):
A little desk fan
Mummy 1+2 (I don't want 3)
The Jurassic Park trilogy (Already have the fourth)
Once Upon a Forest (nostalgic)
Twister (The movie)
65GB hard drive (to get a solid computer backup)
15.00 iTunes gift card which got spent. :P

I edited the Dream Doctor and am uploading/buying it's final edited edition tonight. If you use Blurb, you get a 20 percent discount with the coupon code: WELCOME20 butI don't know when that expires.

Editing my blurb journal (which if you're reading this as a new person) it's basically a hard copy of entries from this blog, which I've been making since my early twenties. I've literally chronicled the great majority of my twenties, sometimes daily for years, and it's AMAZING! :D Praise the Lord, right?

So yeah, that's what I wanted to say so far. Pray for life to get better, eh? I know I got all sad for a moment there, but let's not forget God cares and there are many more happy things in my life compared to those temporary problems.

BOOK FINISHED. Praise Jesus~!:

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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