Friday, April 21, 2017

Emptying My Stress: Another Rant

8:29 a.m. I hate to rant but I can't seem to focus, so let me just get these arbitrary complaints out of my head and we can move on from it after. Most of this will be about the tumultuous parts of my friendship with April, but it is what it is.

Actually this whole rant is about my goals and how the opinions/actions of others are weighing on them.

The first round of internal arguing begins with me wanting to lose weight again.

'April says I can't use my own money to buy healthy foods.'

Why? Because we don't buy healthy foods in this house and if I do, then it's having two 'separate' foods in the house. Also, convinced I cannot make enough money to do so.

What if I'm okay with sharing? I am.
She doesn't feel okay with me sharing. Because to her, it's 'my food' and in the same breath, she says she doesn't want there to be food in this house that she feels should be off limits to others (even if I don't want it to be.)

'We don't have the extra money,' she says.
That's fine, I do. Again, convinced I can't afford it on my own.

She goes back to the point about not wanting separate foods.

She doesn't want to drive to the Farmer's Market.

That's fine. I will take the one down the road on my bike.

But they are more expensive than the other Farmer's Market.

Then just follows a group debate trying to steer me off of trying to do this, because apparently some things have to be met with everyone's approval before I can do them. Hence, I just want to do this quietly and avoid the discussion for as long as I can.

This shouldn't be something I'm trying to 'get away with' which is what it feels like, especially when it comes to something so natural as wanting to be healthier.

I often do get pushed in a corner and end up feeling like I am not permitted to make a lot of my own decisions, like I can't be trusted to do it.

Which brings me to my next point.

I really should have kept the idea to myself but....I wanted to start training to take extended bike rides into town so I can get away on my liesure.

In comes my number one issue with life: The fears of others being immensely determined to stop me from achieving what I wish to pursue. Not mine, THEIRS. ALL THEIRS. THEIR anxieties, worries, and fears.

I trust God, in everything. He's got it. He can handle things. That fact just doesn't seem to stop others from being afraid for me and thus using it as a roadblock for my goals.

Onto the biking issue.

'April says she doesn't want me to do it. Too far and too many highways. Too many chances for incidents.'

I didn't really stand up for myself in this case. It usually comes to naught to try and ends in anger and frustration. They have bike lanes. They have alternative routes NOT on freeways or highways. I biked thirty miles from home once and made it back safe and sound...although that did have it's trials, I still got through, Praise God. But alas, on this account I gave in and instead she drove me. I had to tell her I wouldn't go there on my bike.

BUT again I now have to 'get away with' trying to travel to other faraway places, without announcing it to anyone. Granted, I can bring a cell phone and whatnot. 

I'm just saying this is where I'm driven to. I don't feel like I'm being trusted to think and act for myself, which I know sounds ridiculous (but this is coming from a person who just gives in because she's tired of the confrontation) so I have to sneak about it if I actually want to achieve my goals without dealing with an argument. 

Even I'm trying to fathom how things I want to do have to be submitted for approval, (mostly, if not mainly, hers) even aside from the fact that yes, we share a household, but this is something that doesn't affect them yet it gets turned around to look like it does.

And if I am acting against the approval, and knowingly, it's just awkward and tense, and more likely to lead to confrontations that really don't need to be happening. 

April is convinced that I am emotionally self-destructive. I am not.  

I am imperfect, certainly. But I do love myself and I am willing to admit my faults. I'm even sure there are faults on my end here, but it would be wrong to say I'm not flawed. But I don't mean that in a way as a self-destruction. That thing came up in one of our fights the other day, too.

Yes, people are going to form opinions about me, even negative ones I find untruthful. What they are convinced about me does not make it true, no matter how hard they believe it. 

Don't get me wrong. April is a great friend. We have good times. This is just a rant, full of negative things I want to stop repeating over and over in my head on a somewhat anonymous platform, thus it came come off that life with her is all negative but it's not.

In fact she often comes from a place where she means well. It just comes off as: If this isn't going to go her way, then you can expect her to be angry, frustrated, determined, depressed, etc. all until you give into her ideas, worries, and fears. 

I give in the way I do because I don't want her to be unhappy. It can  often appear to be for naught, because honestly there are times I think the entire world could be given to her on a silver platter and she'd still find something wrong with it, but I give in because I don't want to contribute to her unhappiness.

Often this means I have to give up my ideas because she doesn't agree with it, and yes, it's a sad thing.

Then there is the other goals. L.A. and Clearwater.

I wanted to visit Clearwater, and she wants to come, or has to because she'll be driving. 80 mile trip. Convinced we both need to save 150 dollars each to go. The gas would be sixty dollars and I could cover it, but she wants souvenirs, and so she wants to save 150, thus I have to as well, she says. This is on a ONE DAY TRIP, there and back. No hotels. -_- I don't get it, I don't. I can barely try.

If I don't want souveniers, why can't I be allowed to just cover gas? No real reason was given for that. Apparently, this is just the way it has to be.

L.A. Trip. 200something dollar plane trip. April decides she doesn't want to go, and then later they both suggest I wait for Washington before doing it. HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET.

Even if I do wait until we move to Washington, she's still convinced I need over 200 dollars a piece to visit L.A. if not, more expensive . If that's the case, why am I having to wait? Why couldn't I just do it while I'm still in Florida if it's not gonna be cheaper. I don't think that was properly explained to me, not in a way that I found convincing anyway. -_-

Totally arbitrary.

Next goal. I need a new iPod touch. Okay, I WANT one. :P

This one wasn't really fought too hard on April's side.

The argument was more they are pro-Android (and why shouldn't they be? It's not a bad company.) BUT I want the convenience of Apple when it comes to their music library. Rob is hardcore insisting I go for Android, and April is agreeing, but not pushing too hard about it.

I COULD get an Android and keep my old iPod but my iPod is...old. The screen is cracked, the model is out of date, I can't get new apps...sigh. So I'm more or less debating with myself on this one.

I'm just getting all the more convinced that life and making decisions would be all the more easier if I could learn to stop mentioning them. Just keeping it in. Because everytime I say something, it somehow opens up into this peanut gallery and ultimately, it keeps going on until they've pretty much decided against why I should pursue said thing and the arguments don't cease until I give in, ultimately crushing my original ideas for theirs....

.......when it all comes down to it, once again based on their ideals, worries, and anxieties, not mine....feeling the need to give in to avoid making people unhappy....even if it makes me unhappy the end not feeling like I was allowed to think and act on my own discernment, which is a very sad and frustrating thing. Oi.

Yeah, I'm a little sadder but suddenly my head feels a little clearer, having written this out and not repeated it over and over in my head....for the moment. Although, I shouldn't be surprised if I start again.

The irony in all this, with the writing of my problems, is that since I'm not saying any of this to them (because it only leads to an unhappy mess of repeated points and the same result of me caving in to end the frustrated tension in the room) it could keep repeating in an imagination where I'm pleading these things to them. Idk.

There have just been in numerous cases where things could have been better off if I had just shut my mouth and endured in the first place. It is....what it is. :/

This is my life right now. 

All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!

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