A Daily Diary: April 2017


Friday, April 21, 2017

Emptying My Stress: Update

4:26 p.m. I've been feeling better. I realized that ultimately what is true, is the less I mention my intentions, the less of these problems I will have with them being 'vetoed.'

I took a six-mile roundtrip bike ride today and after I came home, I ate a chicken salad with shredded cheese and Frank's red hot sauce.

Arranged to visit with Mom this weekend. No 'exact' confirmation on if that's gonna happen but she said something will be worked out. I also asked for twenty bucks to get some farmers market food, she said she has the money but right now she's on a plane back home from working in Ohio. So, yeah. Updates.

I got productive and did my laundry. Waiting for them to dry, and for confirmation, before packing. My legs are already feeling the pain of today's workout and I WANTED to make a gradual plan for biking further and further BUT after three or four miles, there is nothing of interest to see for the next ten miles of road after it, except for a shopping area. We really are in the middle of the boonies, folks.

You see, on this map, 'Badcock' is the final point/business where there is anything left of slight interest on the road out of town. And that is seven miles from where I already live. It takes 11+ more miles of highway with land and the occasional factory on either side before I would hit anything worth the trip in between. You're talking an 18 mile trip, one way, just to go to a Wal-Mart or 36 miles round trip. The most round trip I ever went, and that was with training, was 30 miles and I took seven crazy hours and some of it in the rain, and nearly getting lost, on that bike. That was in another city, too.

I looked into it. I can't even take neighborhoods to avoid the highway here, which is kinda nerve racking but not impossible. I don't know. April did have a point about it not being very safe, I guess. Shhhh.....!!! lol.

But yeah, that's what I'm looking at if I want to get out of my neighborhood and see the world. If I did want to do this, I need to seriously train or it'll be...rough. Which is doable. Deep breaths. Oi!

Emptying My Stress: Another Rant

8:29 a.m. I hate to rant but I can't seem to focus, so let me just get these arbitrary complaints out of my head and we can move on from it after. Most of this will be about the tumultuous parts of my friendship with April, but it is what it is.

Actually this whole rant is about my goals and how the opinions/actions of others are weighing on them.

The first round of internal arguing begins with me wanting to lose weight again.

'April says I can't use my own money to buy healthy foods.'

Why? Because we don't buy healthy foods in this house and if I do, then it's having two 'separate' foods in the house. Also, convinced I cannot make enough money to do so.

What if I'm okay with sharing? I am.
She doesn't feel okay with me sharing. Because to her, it's 'my food' and in the same breath, she says she doesn't want there to be food in this house that she feels should be off limits to others (even if I don't want it to be.)

'We don't have the extra money,' she says.
That's fine, I do. Again, convinced I can't afford it on my own.

She goes back to the point about not wanting separate foods.

She doesn't want to drive to the Farmer's Market.

That's fine. I will take the one down the road on my bike.

But they are more expensive than the other Farmer's Market.

Then just follows a group debate trying to steer me off of trying to do this, because apparently some things have to be met with everyone's approval before I can do them. Hence, I just want to do this quietly and avoid the discussion for as long as I can.

This shouldn't be something I'm trying to 'get away with' which is what it feels like, especially when it comes to something so natural as wanting to be healthier.

I often do get pushed in a corner and end up feeling like I am not permitted to make a lot of my own decisions, like I can't be trusted to do it.

Which brings me to my next point.

I really should have kept the idea to myself but....I wanted to start training to take extended bike rides into town so I can get away on my liesure.

In comes my number one issue with life: The fears of others being immensely determined to stop me from achieving what I wish to pursue. Not mine, THEIRS. ALL THEIRS. THEIR anxieties, worries, and fears.

I trust God, in everything. He's got it. He can handle things. That fact just doesn't seem to stop others from being afraid for me and thus using it as a roadblock for my goals.

Onto the biking issue.

'April says she doesn't want me to do it. Too far and too many highways. Too many chances for incidents.'

I didn't really stand up for myself in this case. It usually comes to naught to try and ends in anger and frustration. They have bike lanes. They have alternative routes NOT on freeways or highways. I biked thirty miles from home once and made it back safe and sound...although that did have it's trials, I still got through, Praise God. But alas, on this account I gave in and instead she drove me. I had to tell her I wouldn't go there on my bike.

BUT again I now have to 'get away with' trying to travel to other faraway places, without announcing it to anyone. Granted, I can bring a cell phone and whatnot. 

I'm just saying this is where I'm driven to. I don't feel like I'm being trusted to think and act for myself, which I know sounds ridiculous (but this is coming from a person who just gives in because she's tired of the confrontation) so I have to sneak about it if I actually want to achieve my goals without dealing with an argument. 

Even I'm trying to fathom how things I want to do have to be submitted for approval, (mostly, if not mainly, hers) even aside from the fact that yes, we share a household, but this is something that doesn't affect them yet it gets turned around to look like it does.

And if I am acting against the approval, and knowingly, it's just awkward and tense, and more likely to lead to confrontations that really don't need to be happening. 

April is convinced that I am emotionally self-destructive. I am not.  

I am imperfect, certainly. But I do love myself and I am willing to admit my faults. I'm even sure there are faults on my end here, but it would be wrong to say I'm not flawed. But I don't mean that in a way as a self-destruction. That thing came up in one of our fights the other day, too.

Yes, people are going to form opinions about me, even negative ones I find untruthful. What they are convinced about me does not make it true, no matter how hard they believe it. 

Don't get me wrong. April is a great friend. We have good times. This is just a rant, full of negative things I want to stop repeating over and over in my head on a somewhat anonymous platform, thus it came come off that life with her is all negative but it's not.

In fact she often comes from a place where she means well. It just comes off as: If this isn't going to go her way, then you can expect her to be angry, frustrated, determined, depressed, etc. all until you give into her ideas, worries, and fears. 

I give in the way I do because I don't want her to be unhappy. It can  often appear to be for naught, because honestly there are times I think the entire world could be given to her on a silver platter and she'd still find something wrong with it, but I give in because I don't want to contribute to her unhappiness.

Often this means I have to give up my ideas because she doesn't agree with it, and yes, it's a sad thing.

Then there is the other goals. L.A. and Clearwater.

I wanted to visit Clearwater, and she wants to come, or has to because she'll be driving. 80 mile trip. Convinced we both need to save 150 dollars each to go. The gas would be sixty dollars and I could cover it, but she wants souvenirs, and so she wants to save 150, thus I have to as well, she says. This is on a ONE DAY TRIP, there and back. No hotels. -_- I don't get it, I don't. I can barely try.

If I don't want souveniers, why can't I be allowed to just cover gas? No real reason was given for that. Apparently, this is just the way it has to be.

L.A. Trip. 200something dollar plane trip. April decides she doesn't want to go, and then later they both suggest I wait for Washington before doing it. HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET.

Even if I do wait until we move to Washington, she's still convinced I need over 200 dollars a piece to visit L.A. if not, more expensive . If that's the case, why am I having to wait? Why couldn't I just do it while I'm still in Florida if it's not gonna be cheaper. I don't think that was properly explained to me, not in a way that I found convincing anyway. -_-

Totally arbitrary.

Next goal. I need a new iPod touch. Okay, I WANT one. :P

This one wasn't really fought too hard on April's side.

The argument was more they are pro-Android (and why shouldn't they be? It's not a bad company.) BUT I want the convenience of Apple when it comes to their music library. Rob is hardcore insisting I go for Android, and April is agreeing, but not pushing too hard about it.

I COULD get an Android and keep my old iPod but my iPod is...old. The screen is cracked, the model is out of date, I can't get new apps...sigh. So I'm more or less debating with myself on this one.

I'm just getting all the more convinced that life and making decisions would be all the more easier if I could learn to stop mentioning them. Just keeping it in. Because everytime I say something, it somehow opens up into this peanut gallery and ultimately, it keeps going on until they've pretty much decided against why I should pursue said thing and the arguments don't cease until I give in, ultimately crushing my original ideas for theirs....

.......when it all comes down to it, once again based on their ideals, worries, and anxieties, not mine....feeling the need to give in to avoid making people unhappy....even if it makes me unhappy inside....in the end not feeling like I was allowed to think and act on my own discernment, which is a very sad and frustrating thing. Oi.

Yeah, I'm a little sadder but suddenly my head feels a little clearer, having written this out and not repeated it over and over in my head....for the moment. Although, I shouldn't be surprised if I start again.

The irony in all this, with the writing of my problems, is that since I'm not saying any of this to them (because it only leads to an unhappy mess of repeated points and the same result of me caving in to end the frustrated tension in the room) it could keep repeating in an imagination where I'm pleading these things to them. Idk.

There have just been in numerous cases where things could have been better off if I had just shut my mouth and endured in the first place. It is....what it is. :/

This is my life right now. 

Thursday, April 20, 2017

We're Past This.

2:25 p.m. It's immensely hard to blog with a cat between you and the keyboard. But alas Banzo is determined. We are past the previous rant, it is over and has been discussed. Things have improved.

Still saving for the Clearwater trip...L.A. may have to wait until when/if we move to Washington.

I still want an iPod but both roommates have made efforts to talk me out of it in favor of Android, and I can see the benefits, but I'm still kinda torn. I have saved about half the money I need for either so there is time to think it over...although if I do decide on iPod, I want to wait on a 7g release.

My ankle has healed up and the giant bruise is almost gone by now. My scabs are rough and itchy, especially on my knee. Still hurts a LITTLE but it's been walkable.

A few days ago, we finally got those books I wanted.

I also got to take a trip to Historic Bartow where I browsed the museum and thrift shops. I took too many pictures to post but I did get a free iPod 4g case. The tag literally said that if it fits your phone, it's yours. It did!

I finally got that Neopian Times avatar I'd been working so hard to get, Praise Jesus!

I've still been working on that 365 day novel though it's fallen a couple days behind. Going smoothly though. Still Untitled and still needs a good cover image. But I can worry about that later.

Yesterday I spent all day creating period clothing on Secondlife and today spent most of the day asleep, and the other part renovating and expanding my store. I also released a 200L gift card. :) then went about promoting that.

Also, we ran out of Frank's Red Hot Sauce :( Thankfully we are going grocery shopping...soon. Other than any of this, I think that's all I have to say--

April bought me Reese's Pieces last night and I've been drinking more water. We also had Taco Bell the other day and I tried an awesome 7 Layer Burrito. :D Still prefer the bean and cheese ones though. Funny how I think I'm done and my brain throws all this at me, ha ha.

2:51 p.m. I forgot to mention that Allergies were rough on me yesterday and Allergy pills really knocked me out for a good while. I didn't know they would do that BUT it's been better since.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

It's Been Nearly A Month

8:22 p.m. It's been nearly a month, which is about as long a time as it took to write something eventful. Today I sprained my ankle, on what was ordinarily a very good day.

The girls coming over for Spring break came and went. Lots of swimming, Lab Rats show, Sims, a couple park trips. They even got to visit one with some critters running about.

I took plenty of pictures of it on Instagram. April and I hung out in the living room more for a while after she set up her old PS2, and one day she lost her glasses...for several days. It turns out they were on Rob's bed the whole time. It took three days for her to find them, and Rob's girlfriend three seconds.

New goals have formed. For one thing, I want to save up for a trip to Los Angeles, likely with Mom who could help with other expenses as long as I pay my way.

Kind conflictingly, I want to save for a new iPod, which costs around the same as said plane ticket. I could try to save up for both, but that may take longer. At my rate, I make about 50 dollars a month from Secondlife, so....yup. Still, can't complain.

I still need a real job...I just want a friend there with me this time so it's less traumatizing.

I want to take a road trip to Clearwater with April, though my roommates:
1. Think it should cost realistically more than 100 dollars from each of us to get there. Unfortunately, I'm the only one motivated to try otherwise, because of reason number 2.
2. They are saving for us to move to Washington.

I've been writing a lot more, both in my novel and for Neopets. XD

Been feeling a bit burdened. Both of my roommates are either in physical pain or depression at any given time, leaving me to pick up most of the slack chore-wise, especially in regard to caring for the cats. Saying something about it doesn't work because they'll argue in a way that makes me feel like the bad guy for bringing it up. Yes, I try to be understanding that they are going through some heavy stuff, but it doesn't really make it fairer, ya know?

Like today, I sprained my ankle after a nice thrift shop trip while April was at the doctor's. I asked her to do ONE thing before I went to lay down: bring the cats in and feed them. She said okay.

It was getting close to six at that time. I get up a couple hours later and they are gone and the cats are still outside and I had to do it myself, as usual. When I called to complain, they made me feel like I was making too big of a deal and 'she was gonna do it anyway and it wasn't dark enough yet.' Shake my head.

It just seems like every time I point out having to carry the weight, they want to list excuses of why it's justified that they aren't doing it and that I need to accept that.

At least they've said thank you. I think having more help than I've been getting would be more beneficial than that, though. I am sorry for the rant. I just can't openly say these things because it just turns into an argument and comes to naught without anything changing, anyway.

I don't know. I think my brain is mostly focused on this just because once again, if I wanted something done right away, I had to do it myself, sprained ankle or not. So yeah. Story of my life.

I was kind of thinking that today, pre-ankle sprain. People's priorities are not going to be my priorities. People's personalities are not going to be my personalities. Just because my personality type is that I REALLY want something done, I will try to get it done right then and there, won't ever equate to 'I want something done, therefore THEY are going to want it done then and there.' Life just doesn't work that way and can cause some likely unnecessary tension.

Spent a lot of time on Ibuprofen, prayer, and listening to relaxing music today. :D Off the subject. I can't lay in bed all day, much as I should, so I decided to pass the time and finally write about my emotions, which are kinda bottled.

I want to get married and have kids someday. Been praying for it and been looking for Mr. Right on OkCupid. Lately, they've been making light chat and ghosting....so I need to find the one that sticks.

More soon loves. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Ankle is feeling better, thankfully. O.O

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