Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Having A Great Week

10:44 p.m. Well, my great week more started with the WeekEND. I went to Mom's and spent time over there hanging out and watching movies.

My favorite thing was getting dropped off at the mall for 4-5 hours and taking a massive amount of photos for my Instagram. I also came home with three awesome buffy figurines (pictures soon) from some mystery boxes and getting Rob a Deadpool one for a late birthday gift.

We also browsed stores and went out to a nice breakfast where I had a nice steak burger and scrambled eggs with cheese. Also potatoes. :)

Saw the movie Black Butterfly..yessss...with Jonathan Rhys Meyers. Mom didn't even recognize him at first. He's gotten older, as people always do. As for the film, it was one of those that took half the movie to get to the plot, and after that it had some twists and was pretty decent.

Novel Cover Attempt Three by chelsmith18Furious Eight was interesting and funny, and so was Madea: On The Run. I don't recommend Boss Baby, though. That bored us both.

I showed Mom Kirsten Dunst's Marie Antoinette, she liked it. :) I made fun of it a little, but I still like the movie. I also got to share some trivia about the actual queen and compare it to the film.

There was this other one about this blonde girl, like a modern little Dakota Fanning, where she plays a smart kid and her family's fighting for custody over her. That one was pretty cool, too.

But yeah, that's how we spend time, just hanging out on the couch and watching a bunch of movies.

Since I've been home, I've gone back to the norm. Writing, restarting Buffy (after having finished Angel with that agonizing cliffhanger), etc. I think I even designed a book cover....again. My favorite so far.

My writing has been going well as usual and the quest continues to start another book and finish it. God only knows when that will happen, hmm?

I also gave Zack his birthday gift, a memorial t-shirt given out at his mother's funeral when he was five, turns out he already owned one. Ah well. :P

I've spent today sprucing up my Secondlife store, so that was a success.

I'm still hoping to get in better shape. I REALLY want to exercise, but keep distracting myself to out of acting on the motivation.So yeah, just wanted to update there. Will let you know when I have more to share.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Let's Talk Feelings

9:00 a.m. So, to start, I have a happy place. A place where I go to lose myself in my own little world. It's a big orange-rocky cliff overlooking an empty shoreline of large crashing waves. In the corner of this paradise is a tire swing (the flat laying kind) which has it's center filled in with ice.

I bring this up because on many occasions of me basking in this world for a couple hours, I told myself I needed to actually remember to go there one, in my dreams. And on many occasions after, I don't think to do it.

The one time, the other day, I remembered to try while I was still in a dream state, I never actually made it. I tried to go, believe me. But instead I was endlessly crossing sea waters with these huge steel structures which for some reason then reminded me of an 'Industrial Disney World.' There might have been mouse ears, I don't know.

I tried REALLY hard to picture this place in the dream, so I could fly there, but it never manifested.


We're just gonna have to wait until I remember to try again, God willing, and see if it happens.

It's weird, cause every time I want a carnival to appear (my other happy place) it does. Almost every time. But with this I could barely put together what exactly this place was supposed to look like, though I can recall it perfectly in my waking mind.

Anyway. Kids start school today, so that's exciting. It's Harmony's first day and all. :)

I did a bunch of Secondlife clothing-making stuff yesterday.

I have been keeping up on my book challenge as well. In fact, the other day, I extended my plot so far in my head that I think I may need two books to tell it...unless the plot doesn't end where I need it to at 365 pages, that is.

I tried to start a new novel, again, but didn't get past the first chapter. Yes, I'm still struggling to find a story I'm as committed to as this one. Although, I'm still brainstorming the perfect cover for this book.

Speaking of weird dreams, I woke from a really strange one today. I dreamt that because we took on a deer from an animal place once, they sent us a black panther as a thank you. It acted like a big cat, really, and bit my wrist once, though obviously not in a painful 'dream' way.

In this other part of the dream, April , Rob, and I were gonna go swimming at a creek...which turned out to be infested by alligators. After we escaped that, we trekked through some waist deep mud/thick water and I lost my shoes. Rob was kind enough to fetch them for me.

In another dream, I attended a party hosted by Hugh Hefner. I think all I cared about was taking phone pictures of the amazing view of the skyline...though we were sitting on the water. Outside, some action movie explosion occurred snd Robert Downey's Jr., in a light blue suit, went crashing into the water. I tried to take a picture of that, too.

While looking through my pictures on my phone, someone was in awe of Kate Winslet (as Rose DeWitt Bukater during the jump scene) who was in there several if I knew her personally. Apparently, I had met her the night before, according to them, but in the dream I couldn't if I blacked out drunk. So yeah.

Back to reality. Money came in my bank this morning.

I distributed to my savings account as planned.

I, then, tried to log into my savings spreadsheet (to keep track) on OneDrive, but the thing wouldn't load on my desktop. Grr.

So I had to get to it on my netbook, which had the internet off so I had to turn that on, then actually 'find' the file on OneDrive (which did load) because I overlooked where it was on the tiny screen.

The point is, I've met this week's goal and if I watch my spending, I'll have enough for next week's goal, too. Praise the Lord. This is going quite well.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Bittersweet Symphony

10:37 p.m. It''s late. I've just had something really really unhealthy. Two hot dogs on white bread with mozzarella. It's been that kind of week.

I'm constantly hungry. Healthy food is getting psychologically boring because I haven't spiced things up enough. I went from eats rice and lentils all week to regularly eating spinach, lettuce, pickles, and black forest ham on whole wheat bread. It got boring, even when it was an option.

I don't feel like cooking eggs. We've only got two left.

I seriously crave meat, which we lack aside from burger thawing in the fridge, and craving boiled peanuts, which there is no money or transportation for. April ate the black forest ham up quick, with a little help from me. I feel like...if I'm not getting what I'm craving, then I'm constantly feeling hungry, which is making me eat...and eat more soon after. And combined with being bored with health food, not a good thing.

Not to mention staying up late streaming shows also causing temptation to snack.

I also snack on half a shot glass of M&M's now and then. I haven't really given up the chocolate.

Feels like I'm falling back. I felt perhaps writing this out may bring things more into focus. God's always listening after all.

I've been writing my book, watching Angel, playing Skyrim, and working on Secondlife stuff lately.

I was stressed this morning because I basically get annoyed sighs when I complain to my roommates about leaving trash on the kitchen counter for the umpteenth time. As if there are other problems, so why bother complaining about that one. They do apologize, but it just keeps happening.

If APRIL puts up signs to complain, everywhere, we have to face them or she gets testy. If I put up one, it's an eye roll and toss it in the trash. Just had to get that thought out of my head. So yeah, I stressed about that this morning. And maybe another morning the other day.

Oh! I also moved my computer desk next to my bed so I'm not sitting in a hard chair all the time. Nice cushy bed to lay back on, and am doing so now as I type.

At least there's God. He's good to trust that things can pick up.

Speaking of which, writing has me feeling ultra giddy lately. It's hard not to just write out this next part of the plot ahead of schedule and let things stew.

It's turning out to be my favorite part of the whole story...the ultimate questionable fate of my characters...the ones left anyway. I do have a habit of killing them off, but only in ways that seem to affect the later plot. I also have that 'you think they're dead, but think again' thing going for a couple of them. ;)

I mean really. One of my main characters (a former murderess/legendary madwoman) is at death's door after giving birth. This guy, brother in law to one of her most regrettable victims is there. This guy's brother died of grief, leaving this man alone.

He shows up with an axe to kill her and her baby (he was once a torturer for the tyrannical king so he is a bit twisted in the head)....and she's gonna give up her child to him because she took away his family. Aside from her sister Elizabeth, who she's had no contact with since Elizabeth gave her up to be formally executed for her crimes, she has no family left either. It's partially the only way she can truly apologize, as well as a last ditch effort to ensure someone will take her child now that she feels life ebbing away.

He's gobsmacked by her request.

Not to mention moments before this he killed an innocent man who got in the way of his attempt to murder her, so he's reeling from this, too. This innocent man was originally the one Melanie planned to have take care of her child, but he's dead now sooo....yeah.

It's a wild scene. I love that!

My book has so much drama. I can tell because when I tell April my scenes, there's all these interwoven details about the lives and nature of my characters. So excited!

You know where this stuff comes to me? Listening to songs like 'The Sound of Silence' by Disturbed on the way to get groceries. That song, no joke, is the tone for so much of this book.

Praise God. Not for the violent stuff, I mean, just in the direction I can take my writing. Some of my characters do commit evil, but they also have the vulnerability to be sorry for it in some way,

145 pages left before the challenge is finished January 1, 2018. Not counting massive editing that has to occur after but still... (Also, I have to go back and add some foreshadowing scenes to tie things together nicely.)

I never expected to get emotionally attached to a story since the Dream Doctor. I never thought I could top it, to me, but this is the first of probably a dozen tries at writing a novel where I'm genuinely into the story. I want to see it to the end. Praise the LORD!

I do have some interesting writing goals.

1. I want to write a series.
2. I want a story with gothic-looking characters in a non-gothic plot.
3. I want to see if I can write a whole novel in 24 hours. For serious. Again, not including editing.
4. Write a complete novel in one month.

So God bless those, in Jesus name, Amen! :) Yay, goals.

Sure, sometimes I pray to become a bestselling author, but for the moment I am writing for the audience of me..which is fine. I'm also kind of glad I didn't plan out the novel too much to begin with, because it makes it easy for me to surprise myself with twists, and thus surprise the reader...if there ever is one other than moi.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

Awkward plus Writing Stuff.

So today is been pretty awkward. It started when I stayed up too late, until around 5 AM, and then I got woken up by the cats two hours later. Then April woke me up two more hours later.

We went grocery shopping to Walmart. After that, the tension began.

Rob wanted to go out to Dawn's house and April did not, simply put. She had less sleep than either of us, we didn't get much sleep.

In the end, we went, but April was very reluctant to do so. She stayed up for God knows how many hours and was doing all this running around so for that I can't blame her, but at the same time, Rob says he won't have the gas money to go to later so it has to be done now.

So that made for an awkward car ride. Mostly drowned it out with music and playing out the scene for my book and my head.

On the positive note, Rob decided to renew my blog domain, so I get to have this beautiful website for another year.

My old store in Second Life closed and but new one is open and yesterday was the last day of the sale. That went pretty well.

I've been working on Second Life clothes a lot.

I also bought a legal version of Skyrim Elder Scrolls V, original version. It only cost about five dollars and it saves me 9 GB of space on my flash drive. So that is definitely a perk.

The good thing is despite the purchase. I was still able to meet this week savings goals and with more money coming in from second life, I'll be able to meet them next week. So we should praise God for that in  Jesus name Amen.

Also, April has been having a hard time understanding me lately. She says I tend to mumble a lot and I don't know when this started but definitely new.

Right now I'm writing this with dictation app on my iPod and it seems that it's having trouble understanding a few of my words, too.

I've been mentally working on my story today as it blocked out the awkward tension between April and Rob. The plot has come to a very pivotal scene in the chapter. I can't wait to write it, but I have to be patient so I don't do more days than I should for this challenge. Again, I say, I can't wait.

Right now I am at Dawn's house and it is 11:34 AM and we've yet to finish grocery shopping so I hope to update after that's over with.

Oh, and I finished Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I am now on season five of Angel.

1:32 p.m. Been here almost two hours, God and fate decided that April can finally sleep after all.

6:00 p.m. So here's what went down. Around what felt like a half hour later, we left, we shopped.

I played Skyrim and now we are hanging out.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

What's New, Pussycat?

1:01 p.m. Well, I'm finally adulting...somewhat. I started up my own Excel spreadsheet and plan for adding to my savings account (and spending as little as possible) for a whole year. I've been stressing with it a little because I worry about meeting specific goals every week, but as usual, God comes through above and beyond.

Still writing my book, so that's going well. 154 days and 154 more pages until my draft is complete. In case you forget, it's another pet project. Started January 1, 2017. Write a book every day for a year, although sometimes I don't do it and play catch-up...or exceed the number of pages for a day because I'm SO into my plot that I can't walk away. Still working out really well. :D

Case in point. I'm supposed to be on day 211, with 211 pages, but I went to 212. Sometimes it's more than that. -blush.- Still, it's getting really good. I'm really into it.

Anyway, been getting into Secondlife stuff as usual. Nothing too much more than that besides Buffyverse marathons.

Aside from some shopping, I haven't been out and about too much.

Oh, and we've been trying to hawk the old big laptop for quick cash. Zack was going to get it but never did, so we have to wait until Monday for the pawn shop to open and try our luck there.

Whatever money I 'may or may not' get from that will go into the savings project I've been working for the past couple weeks, which I'm very pleased with. Definitely a time to start my life savings at 28, before I get too much older, and another bonus is that in a bind, I won't have to come to my Mom for money. This is good.

And at the end of the year, I hope to do something nice with the cash, or maybe longer than a year, however God wants it, for someone else. All good thingssssss......

This savings idea also comes after the start of the month where I spent:

$24.71 on boiled peanuts ALONE. That adds up, don't it?
$9.86 on computer games from online stores, most of which I've yet to play.

In less than a month, on stuff I could actually do without.

and another $3.53 on more boiled peanuts the previous month.

So, yeah. And 38 bucks doesn't seem like much money to most, but it could have gone to better things than short term highs. I'm nipping my spending habits before it becomes more of an 'eye opening' problem. XD And it honestly felt like I spent more than that for one month, but yeah.

It's not so much a punishment as a learning experience, which I'm making up for by saving my money. Granted, I have still had my delicious boiled peanuts but just with cash. And not needing them every other day like before. I'm avoiding whipping out the bank card these days.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Would You Look At Me? Avoiding Updates Again.

I'm feeling very 'outlooky' on my life today. I suppose it's a good thing. I'm approaching thirty and it's about that time where you get really serious about where you want your life to go.

I'm considering going into therapy soon, just as April and Rob have. Not for any particular reason, I'm just curious to know what's going to come out of me doing it. I'm not looking forward to being put on a bunch of pills, and April said I can opt out of that option up front, but then my Mom is hoping that I do so we can put me on disability. She's been wanting that for me for quite some years now, God knows.

I spent a long time convincing myself I don't need it, disability, and that it would be wrong for me to apply for it because there are people out there who need it more than I would. Then my mind keeps flooding back to the last time I held a job and why it didn't work out.

I have major anxiety issues and I do tend to let my emotions get the best of me, interfering with progress. I can be over-dramatic in anxiety-ridden situations. Of course, I can't really say I've had a huge anxiety attack since I last held a job.

I'm still debating with myself...probably not so much over whether or not I can hold a job...because I doubt I can. But the needing disability thing because it provides income while I'm unable to work.

And don't think I haven't tried to apply for a job. I have. Four of them. Not one called me back. Pizza Hut outright rejected me via email. I was too honest on the application, and April said that's why they don't call her back either. Can't pretend to be the kind of person they aren't for an application to get a job.

Someone should tell Trump how hard it is to get a job, them ask him why people don't have a human right to help from a government meant to protect them if they can't afford food or healthcare on their own.

I would refuse to go to a doctor, probably even in a life or death situation, because I feel like my poverty-ridden self would be paying for it until, or even after, I'm dead.

That's another thing though. And beware, I'm going into both religion and politics here. I don't get why some Christians are so against food stamps and other things that help the poor, like free education or health care aides. Someone gets these things and they scoff about them being lazy and freeloaders, (because it costs their tax dollars) but all I can think is 'Wouldn't Jesus Himself defend and even help them, the ones receiving aide, regardless of the reason?" Just saying.

I wonder what change there would be if we all, as children of Christ, asked ourselves that question before saying someone is too lazy to receive government aide for basic human needs.

I don't know. I mean, I know what I'm saying above, but going back to the being on disability thing.

I do kinda pray about it. I love the Lord, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I feel like I'm blushing about my thoughts and shrink back a little...maybe because a part of me feels like I know the answer and am afraid I won't want to hear it.

Such as with the 'getting on disability' thing. Like, this is a situation where I'm acknowledging that I let anxiety, worry, and frustration take over my life where it shouldn't...and God knows I shouldn't have to. Add to the fact that I keep telling myself that such a feeling is inevitable, which is why I can't hold a job. Therefore, it's why I should be on disability but I don't think, in God's eyes, I'm truly disabled (just fearful and overruled by things I ought not to be) and therefore I'm just trying to claim a benefit for something that's a lie to the government and that's wrong in God's eyes. (and lying to God, too, no less.) Needing the money because I don't see another way of getting it, aside from the few dollars I scrounge up from Secondlife, though I doubt He really approves of that either.

I guess you can say today this is an open letter to God. I know He's smiling on me and listening to me let these thoughts out. And it feels good, and it's a little hard acknowledging this stuff that I haven't really put into words.

I carry secular relationships around me, out of love, because I believe love (and not abandoning people [abandonment is not love to me]) is the godly way, so I can't really talk about it to anyone like this and expect them to get it. So I don't. I'm glad I'm saying it here and letting it out of my head.

ANYWAY! I know getting on disability, even if I were to make my feeble attempt, is hard, and even harder in a Trump perhaps all these worries about whether or not I should try are for naught, because I doubt I could get approved anyway.

It took Rob years and two different lawyers to get it done, to put it in perspective.

Idk, I'm not Rob. I'm me. Whatever God wills, if He makes it happen on that path or not, it will be done.

Now that I've gone in depth about my recent internal/kinda external struggles, I can share what's been going on the past month:

I've been writing a WHOLE lot. I started and didn't finish a bunch of books, but currently got two novels in the works and one of them is a series I've just started attempting.

All my unfinished stories are being bound in one book so I can keep them in case some many years from now I decide to continue them after all with better plots.

I even bought ZenWriter, which let me tell you, is WONDERFUL. It's a'distraction-free' writer with music that really helps me get lost in my story and out of nowhere, just suddenly get 1000 words down faster than I can say 'Ka-BAM!' So happy about that. ^_^ I highly recommend it.

BUFFYVERSE! I've been watching Buffy/Angel together for the first time and understanding the storylines a lot better now. Coming down to the last seasons on both. S7 on Buffy (soon) and S4 of Angel. (Also soon.)

Harmony visited recently and she only managed to wet my bed once, which is an improvement, believe me. All it cost me was laundry and a mattress flip, lol. She's recently four years old, by the way.

I took her shopping and let her pick out toys, taught her to play computer games and how to snap her fingers :) (which she could do, so proud), made play-doh for her and she went swimming and on park trips. Even a McDonalds trip at one point where they gave her a free extra juice, extra fry, and free ice cream. Lots of Netflix and Youtube, lol.

She also seriously LOVES the 'Emperor's New Clothes' music video from Panic! at the Disco. You can blame me for that. :P She was scared of the music video once so I showed her this:

 Now she loves the music video with the 'dancing monster:'


God. XD That's great.

People I know are really getting into the 'work from home' business, the kind where companies have you sell their products and recruit others to do far I remain immune. :P

Um...this song. Thanks Twenty-One Pilots, and God, for making me find it, lol.:

Still teetering between eating healthy and not, with the health side winning of late. Relaxed my boiled peanut addiction, so that's a plus.

Starting up a life's savings after realizing I spend too much on frivolous things, 'FINALLY.' Slow going due to a VERY small income but I'm sure it has God's blessing. Too much money was getting drained on peanuts and computer games last month, so we are nipping that problem in the bud, NOW.

Grandpa recently had heart surgery, and the family waited all day at the hospital to support him. Praise Jesus, the Lord of all, he came out of it alright. They went in through his thigh, instead of his chest, improving his survival chances.

He's old. He has emphysema, (also meanwhile once cleared black mold out of Mom's former trailer) had a leaking heart valve, has a lump on his spine at the bottom of his spine that cannot be removed (I forget if it's a tumor or not) and he's a smoker (but he plans to quit, thank Jesus.) Still kicking -thumbs up- and works hard, no less.

I consider myself close to my Grandpa. He's very open minded with me, which I love. I'm not too social with my family, not that there's any grudges there, but I do try to call him once in a while. He's easy to tell things, too. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Mind you, the selfie below with Grandpa is particularly special because I very VERY rarely have pictures of me with my family in the same photo, even my parents. I think my high school grad photo was the last time I took a picture with both my Mom and Dad, to put it in perspective. (Ahem, that was around 11 years ago.)

Also, I made a day of it there meanwhile hanging out with these three little ladies in my family. They played tag in the [sometimes] empty lunch courtyard at the hospital.

There was a wonderful fireworks show on July 4th that I joined April and Rob on, though we got bit by mosquitoes, it was a worthy experience.

I think that about covers it. This afternoon, I'm going with April to her therapist's appointment and I don't really have too many plans after that. Aside, maybe, from Secondlife work and some more writing.

Which by the way, the second novel/first series is mostly so I have a book to work on while I don't get too far ahead on the first novel (which is supposed to be only written one page a  day for a 365 day challenge) though some days I procrastinate and write several pages in a day because I get too into the plot. So I give it days to catch up. XD It's a whole thing.

Also, I've dropped nearly twenty pounds this first half of the year, so I'm pleased with that. :D #loveyourself #praiseGod

Also, downloaded new music. Still conflicted in my soul about some of it because I make the argument to myself that if it's not available to be purchased, it's not stealing. That whole thing. Sorry, God. :( But yeah...getting that out there.

EDIT: About the disability thing, I think I'm feeling in my spirit that it's not a lie or offense to God if I'm not gaining help by unrighteous means. If he wills it to happen, within those VERY legal means, so be it. Perhaps that helps me on my journey, remembering that.

11:55 a.m. So I was contemplating some deep stuff on my ride to April's doctor's. (Also, I really wish the microphone worked in my notes section, but it doesn't seem to. :/)

I need to write the Gospel of Christ somewhere more visible on my blog.

Anyway! Thoughts.

April suggests that deciding whether or not I need to pursue disability aide should come AFTER I have therapy sessions.

Also I'm thinking about those times I contemplate if I'm going to be condemned for my sins, and needing to remember Christ's promise of redemption (As well as the things He said are needed to enter the kingdom.)

Thought about that quite a bit.

Thought about if I die young, I want my funeral at Terrace Palms Community Church. Because that's where my family often has [Mema excluded.] (You'll never find me suicidal in the least, no worries.) Just saying that seeing people in my life dying young (before age 25) always has my mortality in sharp focus.

I have songs I want played at my funeral for crying out 28. Is that even normal? Haha. Like:

Time to say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman (more recently)

Take Me Away - Globus (definitely)

Meadows of Heaven - Nightwish

As well as the classic 'Amazing Grace.'

There's others for sure, just can't think of them at the moment.

Namely. XD Sorry, it's not supposed to be a lighthearted just comes to mind sometimes. Especially in car rides.

Like when I die, I want to hear Opera Metal Gospel music upon entering Heaven. Even if I die old. (I mean FROM Heaven, not just it playing in the room.) Like that, would be soooo awesome!

O.O My family would be very sensitive and worried about me going on this topic, so I apologize.

Obviously, I don't mention this to them. I'm young and have a full life ahead of me to enjoy. Praise God.

I also, years ago, had a (very crazy) episode that got me institutionalized for several weeks, which will always have them on edge...though I'm long past being the person I was then.

I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to die or planning to die young or something. I want to live, and shall. For a very, very, long and harmless time if I can.

I'm just saying God can collect my soul at any time and I know it...meanwhile my mind wanders to some last wishes now and then...with a peaceful smile...scary as that sounds to some.

Again, that happens. Internal funeral planning on some small level but very much emphasizing that it does NOT mean I'm wanting to end my life. Ever.

Contemplating that kind of stuff.

Part of this is explaining my feelings, to let them out, but another part is the obligation to let whoever reads this know that there's nothing wrong here.

Happy life and enjoying it now, while looking forward to my future God has planned. I DO want it to go on for a long long LONG time. Kay'?  :)

12:46 p.m. Welp. Gonna eat a bean and cheese burrito from taco bell. One doesn't hurt, does it?

1:36 p.m. I'm home now and we're going to pick Rob up around four. I'm gonna feel that burrito later for sure. Water helps. It's been a real 'soul bearing' kind of day, hasn't it? O.O Whose gonna read all this besides me, who has read over it several times now? Lol. I end with that...for now.

P.S. REALLY need to update my journal book, too, with these entries? Don't ya think? I think so.

2:07 p.m. That's done. Didn't take too long, did it? I still have eighty pages to fill on that thing before I let myself order it and it actually begins in May 22, 2015. No joke. XD It'll be a happy day when I fill it and order it, ya know?

It's mostly because I used to write daily or almost daily, for years, now I write mostly weekly or monthly. 


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

It's Been What? Nine Days?

9:08 a.m. I've been spending a LOT of time in Secondlife setting up a new store (that's been a LOT of work) and am fully back on the 'healthy eating' wagon, so feeling good there. :D

Found the PERFECT gift for Aaliyah's October birthday and cashed out some money from Secondlife.

Still loving them boiled peanuts.

Speaking of SL, recently bought the Kemono avatar and LOVE it!! Like, how cute it that? :)

I've also been making full perm templates again, so that's a plus. Contemplating how I'm gonna release the Kemono mods, (textures) though. That'll be..different.

On a not so great note, the allergies have gotten to me the past few days, which is unusual for me, for the Summer. Normally it happens in Spring.

Cats have been back and forth to the vet and have been doing well. Hissy got a new cast on after chewing her old one off.

Um...Youtube and Buffy DVD Marathons, plenty of rest, and not much exercise like I should be doing. I wish I had more news but it's only been over a week. Praising and thanking God for blessings, though. :D in Jesus Name, Amen! Bye!!!!

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Hello World!

10:10 a.m. God gave me another beautiful day, so I need to Praise Him, thank Him, glorify him, worship Him annnnnnndddd do something with it. In Jesus Name, Amen!

1. Continue writing my novel. (excited about the advancement of today's plot point.)
2. Laundry. Oi.
3. Altador Cup levelling (got up three levels last night, yay!)
4. New full permission SL PSD templates (been ages and ready for a comeback.)
5. Make my bed.
6. Update Blurb journal book.
7. Add to Dream Doctor Sequel.
8. Make a new book cover.
9. Download Instagram photos to date.

I'm sure there's more to add later. Anyway! Yesterday, we also went grocery shopping and for the first time in MONTHS, they had Braggs Apple Cider vinegar in stock. I snatched it up. ^_^ So happy!

While I was away for over a week, I went way off my diet but now I'm back on and enjoying it so far. I picked quite the time to do it though, that time of the month (Aunt Flo etc.), BUT I've always noticed cramps are well reduced on a healthy and hydrated diet so quite the timing, indeed. ;)

I've been quite mysterious about my book but I'm more excited about one of my characters and her development. She started out as a common servant girl, rises to being a VERY proud Duchess and eventually, a murderess who becomes pregnant, and is now alone and descending into insanity. All the ones she loved before had been killed or died in other manners.

She regrets accidentally killing her best friend who was going to tell her secret about the murders, and it snapped her mental state into this point. She now sits around talking to people she has killed, among others she knew who died, and has convinced herself they are alive and the people searching for her for the murders are only doing so and accusing her out of jealousy.

She's become a lot more kind as a result of her mental state, as well as a lot more simple-minded. My goal is that though she did some heinous crimes in her past, eventually the reader is going to have sympathy, even love towards her....which is going to make her ending all the more sadder.

So yeah. That's the drama surrounding just ONE of the characters. Oi.

So yeah, I say those two words again, I'm ready to get on with the tasks and continuing her story. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Bye folks!

1:43 p.m. Gah! My feels! I've mentioned the same things in the last few posts on dating so I'll spare you the bulk. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.

I am glad that I've learned what I did about myself and can, quite happily, apply that to my future.

It's okay to form a safe place in yourself.

I'm not alone in the universe, apparently in Google searching there are other people like me, so praise God, there's a comfort. Sigh. Some days are too emotional but it passes.

Really feeling the need for lunch, then just sweeping the to-do list under the rug in favor of a mediation session. :) Could really use one today. Okay, not ALL tasks under the rug...but I do want to take a time out and go to my happy place a good long while.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

So Much To Say and Do!

To be frank, I've not worked my way out of bed yet and decided to write this on my netbook for that reason, instead of sitting at my Desktop. *.*

6:41 a.m. After being gone for over a week, I've racked up quite a to-do list. Granted, it doesn't have to be done in a day, Rome wasn't, but these are the tasks I would like to see tackled.

1. First of all, God bless it, the other day I got an entirely new, and better, idea for the direction I want one of my main characters to go in the novel I'm writing this year. I'm thrilled and I CANNOT wait! :D I realized that my ending idea kinda dwindled down into something boring with little climax, so this is a great change up, not to mention a fitting one.

2. Continuing the Altador Cup. Won't make All Star, I don't think, but can boost my rank a little.

3. Continue the Dream Doctor Sequel.

4. Make new things for Secondlife. Already halfway towards what I need to get Aaliyah her awesome birthday gift this year. Jesus rejoices.

When her birthday party comes around in October, it's planned to be a hotel trip and I'll be going away for yet ANOTHER week.

5. I STILL need to move stuff out of the living room into our storage. I gave my big desk to Mom, she liked it, but we just need a way to have someone come and 'pick it up.' Idk or maybe she can have April drop it off.

6. I potentially have a new stock image for the cover of my new book. I know, I keep redoing and redoing the cover, but this should be interesting. I could put it towards ANOTHER book, now that I think of it.

7. Update my blurb book to date, of course.

8. Get BACK to eating healthy and possibly exercising, too. I let myself off the diet for over a week, and thankfully so far has only been that long, so I want to retry getting back on the horse. I had my fun and all, everyone has one of those brief periods, and time to keep fitting in my pants because getting bigger sizes is expensive.

9. I still need to order prints of my 2013 photos.

10. I need to download my Instagram photos and organize them. *.* So many.

So yeah.

Emotional stuff from yesterday aside, here's how my week went:

First of all, Drake's birthday party. Started with a trip to Party City with DJ, Maranda, Mom, Drake, and Brooklyn. It was kinda fun. Got Paw Patrol themed stuff and I loved seeing the smiles on the little ones' faces.

I got to spend time with my nieces, nephews, and little cousins at Family Fun Center. Mom got a plain cake that was overpaid for and not what they wanted, but they decorated it to make it better. I toured the kids around the jungle gym area and they all had fun.

Pizza was cheesy and delicious, and we tried to eat two slices of cake instead of one because it was ice cream cake and my brother insisted on not having melty leftovers. Presents were nice but rushed, and then we got out of there.

1. Played seven hours of bingo with Mom at one point.
2. Fighting with the wifi sometimes to keep it.
3. Watched Guardians of the Galaxy. :) I can actually understand the plot this time around. I totally want the DVD now.
4. Lot of sleeping in until late morning and early afternoon. Lots of movies and occasionally relaxing in a hammock int he backyard.
5. Took a brief trip with Mom to the mall and got a new little purse and a jacket *which at the moment doesn't fit my armpit area :(*
6. Not sticking to a healthy diet.
7. Monopoly on my iPod, a lot. Almost always feeling like the AIs were rigged.
7a. I forgot my Mummy DVD in my computer DVD player so my plan to watch that at Mom's was out the window.
8. The last day of my trip was among the best.

Mom originally was gonna work at home but her computer was having issues, so I rode with her to work for the hour and a half it took to get there. Then I used her hotspot and watched Pushing Daisies. At one point, we went to Wawa and I got a Chocolate Cheesecake shake and chicken fingers. Delish. :)

We left at 2 p.m. to go seek out Carlo's Bakery for the first time, mostly getting lost towards the end but we eventually found it an hour and a half later. It also happened to be Cannoli day so a dollar Cannolis each for us, a cupcake for Rob and April, and a chocolate Moose cake for me.

I took a ton of Instagram pictures, of course.

THEN it was off to Walmart where we got April a portable closet and storage like mine, and then when I got home, Mom helped me set it up. :) April liked it. ^_^ They LOVED the cupcakes though. Chocolate peanut butter. Like, GUSHED about them. I shared the Cannoli, too. I have yet to try the Moose cake but give it time.

She also bought me the DVD 'Ever After' so that's off my wishlist. :)

I finished the night watching Pushing Daisies and I went to bed. I mostly remember dreaming of something that I could use in my novel, actually.

'King Leopold may have been a terrible king, but at least he cared about the commonwealth and not [charge an excessive amount of taxes]) Comparing this person to some new king.' Leopold was only really harmful to the rich.

It was something along those lines in my dream, not a direct quotation. But yeah, I liked it. Kinda reminded me a little of the Man in the Iron Mask, which I also found myself thinking about.

Also, I realize after my last post, someone's feelings may be hurt. It's not my intention, I just can't hold back or hide what I was feeling (as I was tempted to do as I know this blog is read by others) and I had to be completely blunt about my feelings. The point of writing is to let 'everything' out so it can stop repeating in my head, and often grants me peace for doing it.

1:49 p.m. I managed about 10 pages today and caught up where I need to be for now on my novel. It is FABULOUS! I'm thrilled with the direction it's going, though it's a very sad one, too.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Hard Epiphanies

8:05 p.m. Once again, I've come back from Mom's and limited wifi, and have waited until now to return home and write down the thoughts that have run over my head this weekend.

First off: I am no longer, no have the future intention of, dating.

I've come to some realizations about myself.

I do not like touching, or to be touched. I don't like being flirted with. I don't enjoy pet names (though for a very brief time, I did.)

I don't want to knowingly enter another situation where I am faced with those things.

I don't like cussing, dirty jokes, or being groped. Certainly not kissed, except by a family member. And again, will be happier off not being in the presence of it happening towards me, much worse finding it in any way funny.

I did forgive that he grabbed my butt. I didn't feel it but only realized that because he said so and laughed it off at first because he seemed to think I was supposed to find it cute that 'he couldn't resist doing it.'

I was angry about it later when (later in the week, thinking about it.) I realized he basically touched me there 'without' my consent, attempted to kiss me at the end of the night 'without' my consent (though he did both apologize about the first thing and then kissed me on the cheek when I was wary to kiss him back.)

I suppose the normal dating world consists of it happening without the need to ask the woman if it's what she wants, just dives right into doing it because 'it's expected' to be allowed.

Men. GET YOUR CONSENT!!!!! ASK. I am NOT the only woman who wants you to do that.

Yet another reason I have no qualms whatsoever about not dating anyone the rest of my life.

It's safe. It's safer, more confident, and reassuring, especially in my walk with God, to not let a man into my life, or my heart, again.

I cannot control other people. I can control ME and my inhibition. Me, by myself, I can avoid these things on my own as opposed to a situation where you cannot inhibit it coming from someone else.

I know even aside from these things, as I said before, I function better in a solitary environment. Yes, the decision to not be with anyone DOES sound kind of sad to some, like I'm choosing to be lonely for the rest of my life, but I only see the positive prospect of it. It suits ME.

After all I've gone through in my life, the last thing I want any man focusing on is my body. Groping does not equate to that. Just saying. I did accept the apology, but I'm not over it. Being touched like that, even once, even after an apology, bothered me to a deep part of my soul. I didn't ask for it, or try to do anything to hint I wanted it to happen. I did not provoke it. I don't wrap my mind around that a person finds it okay, cute, and normal to do. But that's me.

I've been traumatized in the past, okay? If a man treats me lustfully, I feel like I'm targeted and I don't understand what I would have done to deserve being targeted. It's heartbreaking. It's like picking me out of the world to be your object of desire and lust and I am unable to understand WHY ME?! Why target me for that, especially when I did nothing to provoke it?

I'm a human being, not an object for any form of sexual delight, groping, and pleasure. Sigh.

This is hard. This is something wrong with my life that I just want to go away and never happen again. I was relaxing on my time away and even battled some very old personal demons on a deep level (and sometimes felt like I was on the losing side of that battle) but this kind of stuff WAS on my mind while I was gone.

I didn't trust men to start with. I still don't. EVERY time I tried to let my guard down, and decide maybe 'this' time I could, it backfired. I can't trust men, anymore. I don't. I can't seem to name a single time (except my male roommate or a family member) where trusting a guy didn't backfire on me.

I don't understand why I'm a target.

I don't want to be in any position where I can be a target ever again.

I want to be left alone, to myself, where I'm safe forever from men treating me, and acting, the way I don't want to happen.

This is so true on so many levels, I cannot begin to describe it.

I...have more to say on lighter subjects but need to breathe after this post. Jesus Christ help me.

EDIT: Reading previous posts, there's something I have to tell my past self.

'No.' No, you do not have to compromise/give in when uncomfortable just because you aren't the only one in the relationship and what is uncomfortable for you, is not for them. Don't shrug it off and force yourself to be okay with situations you are not okay with just because you don't want to bother the other person.

Thanks for giving it a try, even a brief one, and I'm glad the feelings you had deep down eventually made themselves known to you and you could put it into words.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Second Post. Same Day Because Other is Too Long.

12:22 p.m. Washed off makeup from the night before is giving me that burny eye feeling like one gets when they just finished crying. Still trying to figure out what I'm gonna do with my day.

Also talked about my date with him and things seem worked out. -thumbs up- 

Also, here's to so far having saved up (but not cashed out) twenty-seven bucks~ :D Woot! Looking forward to how much more I will be saving up so I can get that gift I wanted for Aaliyah's 10th birthday in October. 

Contemplating having a long meditation session with my headphones at some point...sounding good but need to actually do it, lol.

7:37 p.m. Okay! :) So! I slept until 6 p.m. and then took care of some grocery shopping with April. I...just got home and am really needing to meditate because it will make me feel so good right now.

When I meditate, it's to headphones and I go to my 'happy place' which is an empty beach surrounded by high cliffs and the beach has crashing waves...and somewhere in the corner is a flat-seated tire swing where the center is a seat of pure ice. It's all along to some somewhat emotional and slower paced music and really gets the endorphins going. :) I also spend hours doing this so it means apart from that, I tend to not focus on anything else.

So Here Is Where I Blog The Deep Feelings.

9:50 a.m. SO! Yesterday, I had my first date! Overall it went well. This post just kinda goes through how I was feeling through the whole thing rather than too many specifics.

It started with me getting ready a bit too early before he was supposed to arrive, so I kinda wandered around sort of excited and nervous. Both April and my Mom also told me to get the model and tag number of the car for safety reasons. which he happily obliged to tell show me even with ID.

I could see their concern. Meeting a guy online is not always the safest so one has to take precaution. Then you have the thing where everyone I love is also very protective of me, hahah.

Anyway, he arrives and gets a big hug. He also gave me a striped rose. (awww) He's about a foot bigger than me so I felt so tiny, and we listened to Pantera quietly on the way to the restaurant. I didn't say too much, then again, I often don't. I told him I was like that up front at least.

Um, almost immediately he opened with a dirty joke. I was polite about it but it did make me feel a little uncomfortable. Also, cussing here and there was kind of an issue for me, but he didn't know that. I think I 'subtley' mentioned it at dinner eventually, but yeah. I told myself these were little things, and to not let it stop me from trying to pursue something that could make me happy overall.

We got there (Longhorn Steakhouse) and I got the door myself and he joked about me doing it before he could hold the door open for me. Then we got a booth and at first he jokingly slid in on my side and later switched.

We ordered wings to start and some bread, then I had chili cheese fries and he had steak. We talked but there were those awkward moments I expected where we kinda had to stare at each other and weren't sure what to keep talking about. He didn't seem to mind, though. :) I talked a bit too much about health and diet stuff (in my own opinion.)

So yeah, dinner went off without a hitch.

It's around late 9ish I think and we decide to go check out Books a Million, cause we both love books. We got out of the car and he said it was time to do the 'lift test' or something. :P This was where he doesn't consider a woman fat if he can lift her. So he does, and then spins me around the parking lot, making me laugh. What girl wouldn't enjoy that moment? (non-sarcasm)

Then we go in and wander around, looking at things. he holds my hand, too. Minding you, I'm 28 and have actually never dated, so something so normal was actually quite new to me. Also, his hands were huge compared to my own. I got in the moment (and more on this 'said' kind of topic later.)

We mostly looked at Pop figures and then he headed to the bathroom. I wandered around pretty awkwardly (which I don't normally do.) I think it was weird because I was broke and normally when I'm here I actually have money. So it was a lot of aimless and non-specific wandering.

Occasionally, during this trip, he was rubbing my back. I didn't rub back or lean in as one might be expected to do. I think, again, this was due to it all being new to me and my brain was subconsciously just taking this experience in slow. I literally walked around with my arms folded to myself.

This brings to strong focus the realization that I forgot I knew. I am a 'non-romantic' person. Apparently, I'm just like my Dad in that aspect, lol. April calls it 'asexual' with me but I more prefer the term 'non-romantic.' not a romantic type. I'm very laid back and I realized that the ideal relationship for me would involve hanging out like best buddies, having the same romantic emotional connecting, but skipping out on any form of PDA whatsoever. is about two, not the one. I can a point. I'm reasonable.

Anyway, so we also decide to head to the theater and were choosing between the new Pirates movie, which was already beginning and waiting a half hour of Guardians of the Galaxy Two. He already saw Pirates, so we got with Gotg2.

There was more hand holding and wandering around the arcade until they were done cleaning the theater, and after getting a soda, then going in and sitting through twenty minutes of ads. He put the classic arm around me and I didn't really lean into it...much. Again, still new to this sort of thing because my brain is not sure how it wants my body to respond.

Then we held hands. He held it so tight at one point though that half my hand went numb and I couldn't feel my pinky. But, I didn't say anything. I was happy, comfortable, and okay. I was having a good time. He didn't lean in to kiss me, which was also kind of a relief because there is only so much new experience going on at once that I want to handle.

Eventually, April skypes and wonders where I am and we laugh about it and reassure her. At one point, he was sitting with his hands in his lap for a while which made me wonder if he kinda gave up on the cuddling idea because I was less than reciprocative.

So I did eventually cuddle on him at one point in the movie. going to try to describe this the best I can. I was physically into it and aware, smiling, comfortable, a bit warm (my eye makeup kept making my eyes water, though) but I noticed emotionally, something in me felt 'missing.' It wasn't a moment where I felt completely 'whole.' This did kinda bother me, the lack of that feeling, I mean.

The same thing went for after the movie when he held my hand. I could feel it, be okay about it, happy, but there was a feeling (I don't know what) I expected to be present, but it wasn't. I didn't end up mentioning any of this. Honestly, wouldn't it make it sound like I wasn't happy about it?

A couple times he kissed my hand and it made me smile, I felt the tiniest bit of sunshine. I also half-lectured myself in my head about being more open to people and opening up my heart.

I think what was also somewhere on my mind was knowing there might have to be a goodnight kiss. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure it's fabulous for other people, but I'm still waving my non-romantic flag inside, just not in public because I'm a shy awkward dork. XD

So we get up to my house and helped me unload the stuff. He held me and leaned in for a kiss, mind you he's very tall so if I were to kiss him, tip-toe effort would have to be made on top of this. He eskimo kissed at first, then I felt a bit of unpleasant breath come at me (it happens.) He could sense the hesitation so he went for a cheek instead, much to my relief. That was a gentleman move.

I reassured him that it didn't mean I didn't like the date, which I think he got.

So we said goodnight and I went in to do the 'girly gushing' to April about how this all went. It wasn't long before I went into getting her advice on my 'non-romantic' personality and what this 'missing feeling' issue was. She reassured me that it was totally normal, as this was a new thing, and the fact that I reciprocated instead of being completely stand-offish was a big move on my part, which is true.

I also mentioned what I thought that 'missing' feeling was. I think in the past where I dreamt I did these sort of things, there was the high or euphoric bliss that I wasn't catching from real life.

Then she told me of course, that nobody gets the same high from it in real life as they do in dreams.

Oh! when we were in the car he told me to feel the cotton of his sleeve. I did it, feeling he was about to say something silly, then he goes 'Does this feel like boyfriend material?' I laughed hard, because it was such an adorable moment...and I told him yes.

So, I come back to the computer and he says that he couldn't resist grabbing my butt. Like, I don't know if that's the norm, but for me it was kind of a big deal. I mean, I was already processing these little things and some move like that, kinda let me down.

The last thing I want, is to be seen and enjoyed for, as a body. I want someone to enjoy my personality. Like for years, that was the biggest issue. For me, that kinda stuck a wet blanket on my feelings. Like that made me 'really' uncomfortable.

I did mention that it made me feel discomforted and he did apologize.

I'm REALLY wanting to give this dating thing a try. It's a new experience and I'm learning about myself along the way. If it lasts, great. If it doesn't, I'm more than content to be a happy celibate marriage-less woman the rest of my life without issue.

Ugh. Oi. I'm like happy and excited, even optimistic, and at the same time all my brain can think about is eventually, I'm gonna have kiss him. :/

It's not him that's the issue.

It's the non-romantic anti-PDA-wishing bulk of my existence.
I don't...want to be...kissed. And that, would be a difficult thing for any normal guy to understand in this kind of world, and probably makes a girl very, very undateable.

But I'm trying not to make this all about me and understand that a guy is gonna want to express himself that way, eventually.

I know I 'don't' have to if I don't want to. It's understandable if he's willing to hold off so I'm not uncomfortable, but doesn't come off sounding as reasonable if I say I need it 'indefinitely.'

Because I genuinely don't think I will ever be comfortable enough to kiss a guy. It's because of who I am.

It's all kind of conflicting, ain't it? Emotionally, I'm there. It's the physical part where I fall short and I feel like this may lead to being emotionally distant too, which is honestly sad on a guy's part. And already, my feelings about the physicality issue are nibbling away at the emotional happiness and bubbliness that's there. He does make me smile and laugh, like a lot. He's a great guy.

I'm obviously very different from typical women, or at least it seems that way.

Ultimately, it comes down to this:

Do I want to date him?

BUT I'm not a romantic, and I would be happiest in some relationship where PDA wasn't a thing and we could just hang. The lovely 'lovey-dovey' feelings can be there but physically it's just like best friends. And....I don't know how to bring it up to where it doesn't come across like it's him, when it's me.

I am at least wanting to give the relationship a real chance and see what develops in the future. I want to know if I will fall in love eventually.

we come back to me definitely not wanting to be kissed but the longer I date, the more likely it had to come up. And I wouldn't be looking forward to it every time we did get together. It'll be on the back of my mind. I know he'd say he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable, which is noble of him, but the thing is I don't see myself ever being comfortable with it. Though I DO want to date him, I feel like this would be a big issue for him at some point.

I do a lot of overthinking. Can't you tell? lol.

I also meant to meditate last night and emotionally go over all this then, but I was WAYYYY too tired. We got home at like 2 a.m. (Also, April and Rob enjoyed the bacon and cheddar fries. Rob said he plowed through them, lol.) I took all my makeup off and went to BED!

P.S. In writing this, I had hoped to come to some sort of epiphany but I'm not feeling it yet. Or if I already wrote it, I haven't noticed.

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

A Happier Me

9:14 a.m. Before I go into what's been going on all week, I need to say that I'm feeling happier and more at peace lately than I can remember.

For once, OkCupid got it right. I found a guy (and we aren't dating yet but we have one planned for next week) and...he's just my type. He calls me beautiful and gorgeous (which in the past coming from ANY other guy was actually a pet peeve, but it didn't bother me coming from him.) In fact, I liked it which was even stranger.

What I know now is I'm smiling more. I get these new, happy, and strange butterflies in my stomach when we talk. I sometimes can't sleep now because I'm smiling too much. He doesn't care that I thought my hair was too messy to be on a webcam or that my smile wasn't perfect, just finding me beautiful the way I am.

If he reads this, I'm running to the corners and hiding with deep blushes, just saying.

Also, even when I feel my most awkward trying to conversate, he said I actually talk quite a lot, which surprises me.

To sum it up, so far God has been answering my prayers. I genuinely like this guy and look forward to going on a date with him, if that's what God has in store for me. :)

Fluffy stuff aside!!

A LOT of package ordering from Amazon, lately!

I got a fresh updated copy of the Dream Doctor, The Mummy 1 and 2, Jurrasic Park Series, and Twister. When/if I get Titanic, my favorite 90's cheese DVD collection will be set. :) That an Josie and the Pussycats. For me, the nineties had the classics. I've also reorganized my DVD collection alphabetically, and not just sections for ones I only bought because Jonathan Rhys Meyers was in it or Marilyn Monroe.

I also bought Once Upon a Forest purely for nostalgia.

I got a 64GB flash drive for computer back up, 13 port usb hud, and a usb card reader. All useful things. I bought some new pots and pans for the house as well, which were kinda small. I got a fan which actually breathes air into the room.

I got that Madea play I wanted at Wal-Mart. Been eating a massive amount of boiled peanuts, lately.

I've been on an organizational kick this week. Starting with, and with help from Mom, getting a lot of storage bins, portable closet, and exchanging my large bed for a twin bed which April helped me go pick up from DJ's trailer. That was an adventure. (Thanks, rain.)

The harder part was the fact that thanks to a narrow hallway and small room, I had to take the frame apart and bring it back..and then it didn't exactly want to come back together. In fact, it took massive help from April and her stepdad just to get the job done. To thank her, as she refused any other payment, I washed the load of dishes. :)

I crafted a hanging board from scrap wood, nails, mod podge, and black spray paint. I STARTED a crate but ran out of mod podge. I gave it to April. She STARTED spraying it in black spray paint but ran out. :/

There's been furniture re-arranging going on to give my tiny room some space and I've been sticking my excess stuff from the living room in our storage shed. Hoping to do more once the rainy period clears up. Siri says it's gonna rain all week. Fun fun.

New SecondLife creating as usual and currently saving up for a nice birthday present for Aaliyah in October. She turns the big 'double digits' and I couldn't be more proud of my niece.

Healthy eating has been going great, still not exercising as much anymore, but give it time. A hiatus for me often produces a new burst of interest and acting on the motivation. My weight has gone down to near-normal, thankfully. I have not weighed myself, not at the start or since, just saying I notice the bodily help, too.

If I hit a 32-inch waist, which is the lowest I'll remember being, I'll scream. I'm on day 47 and counting. Waist: 34 inches. I'm hoping it's not so much a vanity thing as it is 'Yay, I will fit some clothes even more nicely, now.'

I'm now a size 13, down from 16 or 17 at the start. My 'magic' number is a size 11/12, which I was for years, several years ago, before all this weight gaining happened. So I'm close and still pushing to see what a year of change will look like on me. Once I plateau though, I know adding in the processed stuff even in portions won't cut it anymore, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Still writing my main novel and 'started' a sequel to the Dream Doctor, but I've yet to continue it.

Unless I think of more, that's what's been going on with me lately. God bless. Jesus loves, lives, saves. Bye, folks.

9:38 a.m. Further update in regards to the last post. I DID manage to get my Christmas video off the laptop by putting it in a ZIP file. (I can't believe I didn't think of it before.)

Not getting an Instagram Album sequel...yet. Too much money to spend on one thing, instead I bought the stuff above.

I want....another six-hour mall trip at Brandon Mall. I want someone to take me to a mall with some money and just leave me there for six hours again. I should do that at some point when I get extra cash, haha. If you're new, yes I can spend six hours at a mall and most of it is not so much actual shopping, as it is taking pictures of pretty clothes and shiny things. :) Let's also not forget the cheesy dressing room selfies, okay?

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Meh. :P

It's past midnight. Today, I worked on cleaning out both of my laptops. 

And I also uploaded, I'm sorry I mean that I 'put together' clips Harmony's birthday video. unfortunately, it was for naught because the quality of the video was terrible.

i'm still working on trying to get the Christmas video of the larger laptop somehow because it is a huge file. In fact it's so huge even though it's only 5 GB that they laptop refuses to transfer the video to the flash drive and it is in enormously frustrating.

I went grocery shopping with April, and then when I got home I worked on my Instagram album, my second one. And I hope to buy it tonight or tomorrow depending on if I fall asleep.

I wanted to write this on my Blogger app but on the iPod app, it keeps crashing.

As an alternative, I I am writing this in a notepad on my iPod to be pasted later, then posted on my blog.

I got plenty of fruits and vegetables today as well, which should serve me well for the week as well as whole-grain rice and frozen veggies. Day 33 is looking like I'm keeping on track. 

I'll be amazed if I stick with this for two months. But I will hope to see even more progress as I continue to eat as healthy as I can.

On another note with my iPod I am using voice to text which is making it easier to write this post.

Good night, God bless, Jesus loves, died, rose, saved. That is all for tonight.

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

Normal Day. :)

10:20 p.m. Today was positive. I did a LOT of writing and even started the second installment of the Dream Doctor. To be honest, I've tried writing a second one in the past but this is going in a completely different direction and I'm loving it.

The first book is ordered and my current novel has a finish date of December 31, 2017 (since it's one of those 365 day novel challenges.)

So this way, I can write without having to stall it for time or even have a deadline. I'm even mentally brainstorming plots and twists. I started out by coming up with ideas for different books BUT this was the one I wound up really wanting to do.

Feeling better, both emotionally and physically, although I wish I'd get back to eating more salads as I've been lackluster on that since I got home. Still looking more fit than when I began nonetheless. 32 days in so far and counting, Praise the Lord. Results are very evident. ^_^

Tonight, I got boiled peanuts, 32 oz. and about 400-500 calories. I ate half and put the rest away, which is good because, with the usual willpower, I finish it off in one sitting. Thankfully I don't think I'm too calorie intensive throughout my day so I'm in the clear.

Today I've had a few bananas, grapes, an apple, 5-6 whole leafs of romaine lettuce, black forest ham (100 calories worth or so) and a string cheese aside from that. Not all at once, just out of the whole day. Also water, a decent amount of water.

Changed my mind about buying pans, possibly, since I don't feel like asking April to drive me to the thrift store to do it and all. :/

Other than that, played heavily on the Monopoly game on my iPod (really took me back to playing it years ago) until I learned how to actually beat the computer, lol. XD Chilled out with friends and that was my day.

I don't exercise as much anymore, just still trying to eat better. Less refined carbs but I have been having light meat and dairy (cheese) some days. At this point, I'm just trying hard to stick with it and hope I get the motivation back to exercise because it's during this week that I was usually giving up in the previous attempts. It'll be a huge victory for me to go beyond that and really stick it out, ya know? God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Night folks! -waves- P.S. Had a weird dream I hung out with Chris Pratt and watched the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie at some tiny theater. The dream version of him was a very very nice and friendly person and I needed one of those happy dreams.

P.S. Here's a small look at the first draft of the first page of my new book. Subject to future editing, but I hope it's still decent:

"Sauvignon is back. I am back. I don't know how, or why, but I'm not as dead as I thought. I looked up and faced the wooden panels lined over my stiff body. I reached up and touched, knowing that beyond this was a six-foot wall of thick black soil, hardened by however many thunderstorms and droughts occurred since I died. I refused to scream or pound at the roof, knowing it was useless. 
I wasn't dead long...I think. My skin and nails were perfectly intact, and the same must be said for my organs, which let my clean and shallow breaths fill the coffin with perfection. While this was nice, it wouldn't be long before my breath, my sign of life, would do more harm than good. 
Even if I did make it out, it would involve breathing in a lot of dirt and very little air. My hands crossed over my chest and my fingers tickled the collar of my white chiffon blouse. With a hard yank, I pulled at the blouse, while partially sitting upward, and slipped it over my head. Then, I tied the shirt around my nose and mouth, able to breathe through the thin airy fabric. 
I looked over the coffin lid for weaknesses, finding several long cracks down the center. I pushed on the cracks and kicked them at the same time with slipping scuffs, grunting as I felt the bending wood give way to the dirt that drizzled in over my chest. I kicked as hard as I could at the bottom of the coffin until my foot went through, and soil came down in thick piles over my feet. I moved the dirt to the sides and kept pushing and kicking, until finally another large hole busted open in the center! I braced the avalanche of soil as I stood up, then clawed at the earth and thick roots as if I were swimming in a vertical direction. 
It was my fortune that the soil was dry, which meant it was not recently drenched by rain. It made digging a lot easier, and less time consuming than the alternative scenario. I wasn't digging for too long, though. I was five and a half feet myself and only a few claw motions allowed my fingers to break the soil's crumbling surface. Then my hand broke through, then an arm, then the other limb until I could lift my head above the surface and gasp for precious earthly air. 
I was reminded of the time I met Tourniquet, before almost sinking to my death in that bottomless pit but it was not a pleasant memory, especially without him here to save me now. 
I lifted my body up and collapsed face down, turned away from my grave. I laid my head sideways against the dirt, then yanked my blouse hanging loose from my face with a wild gasp. My eyes wandered to the makeshift wooden cross beside my grave, marked 'John Doe.' Below it, someone crudely scrawled with a knife: 'Dr. Meyers.' I shut my eyes and cringed, gritted my teeth, and let the tears wet the soil beneath my face. I had to wonder. Was he trapped in his grave, just as I was? If so, did he stand a chance at making it out?"

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