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Friday, August 26, 2016

Worried But Headed to Mom's! Yay!

9:50 a.m. I barely slept last night...it was rough. I don't think sleeping in the living room is gonna work out for me after all. I went to bed sometime in the early morning hours, on and off, and woke around 9 a.m. ish...mid something around there. I've not eaten since yesterday's pop tart cheat meal. I wound up just skipping dinner and woke up realizing I had not eaten in the past 19 hours. I figured maybe, just MAYBE, I could push it into being a 24 hour fast (not that I plan on doing this often) then going for my meal plan rice, beans, and veggies mix for some replenished nutrients. Given that, the fast should end at 3:17 p.m. today SHARP. Drinking plenty of water today, too.

I thought of taking the one-a-day multivitamin but I heard horror stories on Amazon.com about what happens when you take it on an empty stomach, so I'll wait until I actually eat something, please. :D

Also, I recently remembered something I left out of last night's post. Mom is coming TONIGHT and I can go with her and spend the weekend with her, starting TONIGHT!! Praise Jesus! At least, that's how I hope things will be working out. An extra blessing would be getting that week off come Sunday but we'll see what God has in store, won't we? :) I just can't wait to also see my Secondlife emails and see how much I have earned on there so far this week, -fingers crossed- I am excited!

I tried to get a little cardio this morning, however without having eaten breakfast first for some energy, I assumed I would not get very far. I was right. I walked to the coldesac (the shorter end of the street in front of the house) and back. Not to mention it's an unusually HOT Florida morning. At least my heart was pumping when I laid back down afterward, Praise the Lord, so my heart got some extra morning start after all.

Another afternoon I guess with the Lord in my heart and watching some real life crime solving television I enjoy so much (They need more of that on Netflix, imho.) God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Later homies! Mwuah!

10:23 a.m. I'm doing just as I hoped I would. Got up for some belly rotating exercise (something similar to belly dancing) for a full timed minute in the mirror. Doesn't sound like much but for a body not experienced with it, it is just a little intense.

10:43 a.m. I called Mom to see about tonight and she said she's gonna try to get Jen to bring them because she doesn't have the gas money. If Jen doesn't have gas money, I may have to mentally prepare myself to be staying here for the weekend. Which should be fine. This place isn't the worst place to be in the world, just kinda miss the internet XD and Mom immensly so.

11:23 a.m. I..am watching The View, which I haven't watched in ages. Didn't even know Candace Cameron was on it, which is awesome. I love her. I'm kinda wondering who the original cast was, as apparently they are coming up on the 20th anniversary.

The crime solving channel was airing a World's Dumbest Criminals thing (I can't stand those kind of shows) so The View it is.

Definetely feeling the hunger and got a few more hours of the fast to go. More like four hours. I think I can do it if I trust God and endure, of course. I gave the cat some tuna and Skyla ate the leftovers. :S I'm just happy to see the cat eat something. SOMEONE had to feed the poor thing. O.o I'd give anything to take her home but April would never allow it, being we already keep up with five cats, however cuddly this baby is. While I am here for the next few months on and off, that stull leaves me plenty of bonding time.

I need to get my stuff together today and do my laundry.

12:04 p.m. Okay, WASP situation! I let Skyla out (she begged) and a wasp came in through the laundry room (which is connected to the back door) and looked particularly vicious. I couldn't get past it to open up the door, and Skyla got inside and got involved, snapping at the thing. I was worried she would get stung, or even make this wasp more angry. I eventually went through the front door, went around, and opened up the back door from the outside. Skyla followed me back inside, through the front door and I headed back to the laundry room to watch.

At first it seemed like it was avoiding going outside, it took quite a few minutes, or what felt like it, to go outside but it did and of course, I closed the door QUICK!! I hope you going outside was worth it, Skyla. >.> P.S. Got my dirty laundry going as well. :) So there's some progress.

12:46 p.m. Solitaire seems to pass the time really easily. Feeling sleepy. It's obvious why. Aside from poor sleep patterns, the lack of food I've eaten in the past few days have really drained my energy. I hope I won't binge eat on my meal plan food though. O.O Portions still matter.

2:45 p.m. Having second thoughts and not in the way I expected. Watching just Aaliyah and Harmony is fine, but it JUST occurred to me that when it comes time for Maranda and DJ to return with their kids, I will likely be backed into a corner of watching FOUR children, which is not ideal for me.

THUS it puts a pressure on me that I niether took into consideration before this deal and did not think of until now. It's going to be real easy to take advantage of me, i.e. she wants a long smoke, to go out for a drive, sleep in most of the day, or what have you. And I'm not the argumentive type. Yes, it's real easy to come to the conclusion that I ought to say no, but saying no starts this whole guilt-tripped confrontation on me and I just don't need any of that in my life. -_-

I don't know what I'm going to do. It's not Jen's fault that I can get backed into that corner.

SOO Jen just called and I addressed my concerns, of course her response was that I just do what was said above, say no and refuse. If they try to force me into it, just tell the kids I will be back and walk out the door.

I normally hate to worry but am feeling genuinely worried and feeling the inevitable of being backed into a corner and taken advantage of. I do not have the backbone my sister has to stand up and say something when I have to, to stand my ground. Not only because I made this deal, but tossing Maranda and DJ with the kids into the mix will make the pressure crushing on me.

Two kids are fine. I love watching Aaliyah and Harmony, and that's what I thought I was agreeing to at the time without thinking about this. Throwing two babies into the mix on top of that responsibility, which let's be realistic, will inevitably fall on me is far too much. I don't know how I'm going to get through three whole months of that. :( Not feeling great.

Kinda dreading my decision here. I can only see myself being backed into a corner and if I bring any of this up to April and Rob, as my friends they will want to defend me fiercely, because they care, but inside I will be wishing I didn't bring anyone into it because for all my 'lack of standing up to people' I cannot stand stirring up a confrontation..especially at the thought of getting my friends mixed up in my family drama. My family can get judged pretty easily, with them being on the outside looking in on what I'm put through in situations.

Will have to take my depression pills here soon as I'm just feeling an oncoming of foreboding for myself in regards to stress, pressure, being backed into a corner, taken advantage of, forced into situations I didn't ask for. P.S. My brother is the last person on earth I expect to take no for an answer, if he is not given what he's asked he will push, push, push, sway with false promises even (at least with me), and push again until he gets what he wants, especially with me.

He's not gonna simply let me 'walk out the door' and be done with it. He'll block the door until I say yes if necessary.

I don't know where all three of us get our stubbornness from, I take a lot of mine towards April and not my own family, but my siblings are very firm, determined, and stubborn, much more so than I can be at least when it comes to my family...which is a whole lot of stubborn and determined. -_-

Part of me wants to be let to go home and then refuse to come back, but I know all that is gonna do is cause a rift with my sister which I will have to be guilted my way out of. Like I said, not her fault that this can fall on me, at the same time I am unable to just leave her stranded without someone to watch her kids, when I agreed I would.

See the conundrum here?

If I don't, I'm breaking our deal and leaving her stranded, also likely causing a rift between us. Also, she may refuse to pay me for the time I WAS here and she WOULD do that, mind you.

If I do, I'm making myself vulnerable to be pushed into watching four children (including two babies) for the next three months because I may not have a choice. People assume I will, but I won't.

I've really dug myself into a hole here.

Also, my twenty-four hour fast is over with and I can eat now. My stomach is not even hurting. Then again, I did have quite a nap a while ago.

By the way, past all this kerfuffle, Mom and Maranda dropped by for something DJ needed like an hour ago. She said she'll be here later tonight so hopefully there will be room for me to come along. Still worried, and as much as I want this to be a family-only matter, I don't think I will be able to hide my unhappiness from Rob and April and will ultimately have to fess up about what's going on.

Like I said, I made an agreement with Jen and I can't just leave her stranded, irregardless of the situation.

3:38 p.m. I had my meal plan food (veggies, brown rice, beans, lentiles, and very little white rice) with iceberg lettuce, light mozzerella, and hot sauce. Followed by half a stick of celery, which I think went bad so I didn't finish it and about a teaspoon and a half of the peanut butter. Feeling nice and full. :) Of course, had it all with a side of water.

Took my anti-depressant as well because although finally eating something should have left me happier, I felt a dark cloud over my head. My bowels don't exactly agree with the pill, to put it that way, so that may issue be expected but I did what needed to be done. Not inclined to mix a multivitamin with it so I will wait a good amount of hours before eating one.

I have to wonder how long pop tarts take to digest considering I waited a full twenty-four hours before eating again after having them. O.O Should google that at some point.On another note, I need to dry my laundry. It won't be hard to gather my stuff together but I will have to wait until towards evening as I have to inspect everything and can't just leave food SITTING out.

4:24 p.m. Regarding my new debt, I THOUGHT my hospital debts expired but no, they were sold to creditors and amount to 1100 dollars. HOWEVER, they are willing to accept less. If I make two payments of 165 dollars after September 24, the debt will be considered satisfied. So instead of student loans, I would like to consider taking on the hard work of satisfying THIS debt because it seems doable IF Jen will pay me 130 per month as promised. If I make 224 dollars BY September 24th, I can pay that and the debt will be satisfied and no longer on my shoulders. That I will have to discuss with Jen.

There's no guarantee that my credit will improve because of it but as long as the debt gets paid and cleared, at least this one, it won't follow me around.

EDIT: I wound up getting my stuff packed and Jen left, stressed, for Mom's. Obviously, because she didn't want to drive. Since she had to drive to Mom's house, I'm very doubtful about going home on Sunday considering gas money cannot be spared.

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