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Monday, August 29, 2016

Quitting?

1:31 p.m. Last night, I got to use the hotspot to download as many Youtube videos as I could, most of them for the kids, until it went weak for like a couple hours and unusuable. Then I watched Pleasantville and tried to go to sleep.

I woke up later in the morning with tooth pain, nausea, and a rash on my inner thighs from new fat growth and them brushing together when I walk. When I managed to sleep, it was until the afternoon when Jen left and she gave me pain medication.

The afternoon has gone fine, kids ate and watched videos, then Netflix (Home 'The movie' and Clifford) I'm very skeptical Jen will let me go home Friday despite any argument I could make. I've pretty much made up my mind that once I'm home, I'm not coming back and April and Rob may have to stand up for me...since I cannot very well myself.

Granted, I'm in the wrong by breaking the length of stay agreement early, but she broke agreement first when she said I may not even get paid in the first month after all (once she had me over here and I had no choice to stay anyway), and if she extends my stay past Friday, she would be breaking it again. Heck, she'd probably be smart to keep me here as long as possible if I plan on ditching this once I get home. She'll get all her use out of me then. She probably won't be surprised, if not expecting me to back out of it. I need a little more honoring of my agreement to stay but it's come to a point where I don't think I can trust what she offers anymore. She knows once she has me over here, I have to stay no matter what anyway because she's my only way home. So why should she have to honor it all if I'm stuck here anyway?

Babysitting is not the issue, not like it used to be in the past. Kids are fine. It's more that I feel more or less treated like a daughter of hers rather than a grown adult. Not to mention the broken deals, of course, which was shady. So done with it. Sometimes, I can't talk to her without her talking to me in a frustrated voice, too.

Maranda is a far better mother to her children than I initially gave her credit for. (I'm happy to admit I was wrong.) So I am not really worried about having to watch them too because she does fine enough on her own. Not only that, she actually TALKS to me which is something my family doesn't do often around here. Most of the time, when they just need something from me. >.>

As for my diet, it has gotten less healthy as less fruits and vegetables are available to me. Initially before coming here, Jen said she would cover me the second week (this week) but when I asked, the money wasn't there. Hopefully, she'll try. I ate fries this morning, not many, but still...fries. STILL avoiding sodas and juices though. Eating in smaller portions. Fries were all I had eaten since the birthday party yesterday, which is a lengthy amount of hours so I can hope a lot of that barbeque food digested...but that also means I've undoubtedly added extra fat since being here due to not only less nutrition and less calorie intake the past week (and when I do, not always healthy), but stress and lack of proper sleep habits...and now skipping breakfast lately. Oh, and lack of morning exercise. I have put on weight, but not giving up, still gonna try despite these setbacks. The last week of the first month is always the hardest for some reason. -_-

2:52 p.m. After Harmony watched cartoons. The kids played in the water hose and a giant green storage tub until it started raining. :) Now Harmony is gonna be drawing on my iPod, painting app. There's a kids mode on there that makes 'magical' musical noises when she makes a stroke so kids love it.

Random note: They have fun little stamps including a cupcake which she calls 'cake cake' lol.

3:02 p.m. She drew Mickey Mouse and I just saved it. :)

5:00 p.m. We worked together to clean house and I made a fresh batch of my meal plan food. :) Happy about that. The house is slowly getting more tolerable.

9:07 p.m. So the day is winding down. The kids played, Videos and internet as well. I had hot dogs and mac for dinner, (which the kids helped make) and played some more. I had my meal plan food and it was fine enough for me. Still either bloated or just carrying more extra fat for now. Not fun. . The house is cleaner than it was earlier. The kids bathed at eight and are SUPPOSED to be in bed, but they are not going to sleep but playing in there. I wash my hands of it, leaving it to Jen when she gets home.

I watched a Comedy show of Jeff Foworthy and Larry the Cable Guy, got halfway through the battery died on Maranda's phone, cutting off the wifi hotspot RIGHT before the punchline!! -_- Too bad. Will have kind of a long wait now.

10:16 p.m. I was able to watch some more later and Jen soon came home the adults hung out and shared some viral videos. (At some points felt like on the outside of the social circle looking in) Kids were officially put to bed by Jen and now everyone is dispersing. Apparently, Joe might be staying here a few days...wish someone would be moving in and it would kind of relieve me of this whole babysitting duty.

Maranda's phone died again because she switched the chargers so now I am charging it again and being without internet....O.O

10:53 p.m. Just went on a ride with Maranda, she offered, while she dropped me off. We get along great, she and I can relate on the levels of being underdogs in the house..although I think I am a bit moreso than she is. O.o After all, DJ and her kids are here...people who can be there for her no matter what. Not to say my family isn't there for me from time to time, just they are able to be there for me when able and usually the case is a matter of their convenience and level of benefit coming first. My friends offer something my family cannot, however, which is a real deep connection, especially in social situations.

Been dreading the thought of quitting. On one hand, my heart REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to and feel intended on it, on the other is the amount backlash I would receive for doing so. There's just nothing LIKE home here and I really do get homesick in a strong way. I have to go and stay a LONG period before wanting to come back. I will try to include April and Rob in this as I need their strong will to stand up here, which I have not against my sister. Hopefully, that at least works in my favor. I need to be around them. I live there and want to stay there as often as possible, and yes, the conditions are vastly preferable...as are the freedoms. >.>

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