A Daily Diary: Positivety and Lack of Courage

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Thursday, August 25, 2016

Positivety and Lack of Courage

8:54 a.m. I didn't sleep well. I slept okay, but not very well. I had Skyla and that cuddly kitty in bed with me. Skyla often tried to run her off the bed and I tried to stop her. Speaking of the cat, I finally gave her some food she would eat so that made me feel more relieved. Still wish there was a litter box and she refuses to go outside.

I had a small apple, got my morning exercise done, which made me feel good, then took my multivitamin and a shower. Still looking to cross that one month mark of living a healthy lifestyle. I thought I was going to take a nap but I kinda like sitting in bed this morning and watching those real life crime-solving shows. lol. Also, I am very pleased with how well my body has changed in such a short time and whatever parts I am needlessly still insecure about myself, I constantly remind myself that it's only been over three and a half weeks and am thankful for the progress so far.

Loving God is good. Just a random note.

I want to stay positive about my body, myself, on every step of this journey. Whatever positive I have to look at is worth it. Again, aside from the hot sauce, for the most part I think I am eating healthy. So far have given up soda, chips (including my favorite white cheddar popcorn and jalepeno cheetos), candy, chocolate, and other sugary desserts. A LOT of processed food and frozen food woth preservatives are out. I seldom drink juice and when I do, it's not much at all. Those things would only stall or reverse this process. I still find a whole foods lifestyle to be idyllic, when I can afford it one day.

My tastes have changed. 'Artificial' food can be chewed but I tend to spit it back out after the first bite. Like I tried with ramen, and it just wasn't something natural going in my body. I generally would, ideally, like to avoid foods I think are artificially created, like not found in nature but completely made up in a lab somewhere. Although, I cannot seem to avoid foods with refined or bleached flour since I'm not living on my own, but I think if I LIMIT my intake of those, it should be fine.

NO more tacos, though. That did not bode well on my stomach last time. O.O As for meat, I am cool with white meat in portions and moderation but would prefer to limit or avoid red meat.

My diet MAINLY consists of the rice, beans, fruits, green vegetables, a little peanut butter made at home from real peanuts, and SMALL amounts of chicken. Also, of course, water and the occassional cardio. Anywhere from 15-20 minutes to an hour of cardio a few times a week. I'll have to up my fitness game here soon, lol.

I already made a list of benchmarks I would like to hit, that is if you call benchmarks my challenge to keep this going as long as I can until it's a full on lifestyle change.

1. One week mark. DONE.
2. Three week mark. DONE.
3. Four week mark. (Two Days from now. August 27, 2016)
4. 66th Day mark (What science says is how long it takes to form a habit) October 3, 2016
5. Fit by my 28th birthday, November 28, 2016. No cake this time. XD (119 day mark)
6. Continuing my list of benchmarks up to, but not limited to, the thirty week mark. 9 months. Like a pregnancy. XD
7. One year mark. July 30, 2017.

NEW BODY AND LIFESTYLE CHANGE!! One hopes.... :)

So far I have not taken an official 'before' picture as I didn't want to do the same thing I did last time and take a picture every day. HOWEVER, it might not be too late. I have been thinking to at least take one every month mark instead of every day. I am that curious about the change. :D

9:35 a.m. Spent time adding up the days and whatnot, it took a while but I feel it may be accurate. :D I'm not so concerned about what size I would be, or weight in terms of a number. Although, I am curious. I kinda gave up being concerned about sizes when I didn't become a size 11/12 in the first three weeks. I DID however, drop at least a size, which is progress, to about a size 13/14, not to mention about an inch off my waist, which doesn't sound like much but I earned it, haha.

As for the weight number, like anyone I have an ideal. The maximum healthy weight according to government for my age and height is 150 pounds BUT I am in the normal range apparently for body fat percentage despite being far off the weight mark (196 pounds almost a week ago). I'm around 27 percent body fat according to the online calculations (which is considered in the acceptable range) and I'm very happy about that. It's important to focus on God and health. :D I didn't want to say just health is important because God is too, moreso even. Thanking God for this progress, in Jesus name, amen!

Even if I don't LOOK perfectly healthy on the outside, I feel confident I'm a LOT healthier on the inside than I used to be. Diet wise, anyway. Sleep has been a very real issue, of course, not to mention the occassional stress I've been trying to deflect lately. Sometimes those end up going hand in hand. O.O Speaking of sleep, feeling a little sleepy so closing the entry for now. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Good bye folks!!

3:17 p.m. Just woke up from my nap. I think we can scrap some of what I said about artificial foods, about never ever eating them again. I just did. O.O I woke up with a serious craving for pop tarts, soooo I ate a couple 'SMORE' pop tarts. I can say it's just one my cheat meal for the week, if it were technically considered a meal. In the past weeks, my cheat meals were that taco, a frozen chicken patty...or two in the span of the week, and that mashed potato chicken thing Rob made that I remember.

I will make this new point, it's okay to let yourself have something like that maybe once a week, a cheat meal, as it makes the diet change feel a lot less restrictive and I am probably more likely to stick with it in the long run (and not binge out on junk food at some point.) I think the big side effect is I end up REALLY remembering what my cheat meals were in the struggle to fight off the guilt of eating it. O.O Is being 85-90% healthy okay? XD

Won't be eating stuff like that every day, you know. :P Downed it with water. Seems a little more justified now. I also have yet it figure it out how but Pop Tarts can make me feel REALLY full. I think though, if I'm being tempted to go for more food, I'll just drink more water to avoid a calorie binge. Anyway, I'm kinda doubting I'll like what's on the nutrition label so I'm avoiding reading it.

Remember, pre-nap all I ate today was a small apple. So I haven't really maxed out my entire calorie intake for today by eating it, I don't think. Dinner isn't for another few hours and if I need a small healthy WHOLE FOOD snack a couple hours later, I'll take that opportunity. :) Eat smart. Eat healthy. Don't be your own prison guard about food. Also, as always love God and He should go first, thank you Lord, in Jesus Name, Amen!

Glad I managed to get some rest and will now be up to keep my eye on Aaliyah until Jen comes home tonight. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! In Jesus name, amen! P.S. The week here has been going smooth. Still not overcome by homesickness yet. There is a CHANCE I could go home Sunday (Today is Thursday), but I'm mentally preparing myself in case that is not possible. We don't need another meltdown, after all. :)

3:41 p.m. So I called Rob to ask if April was there, so she could handle some Secondlife customer service issues for me (to see if there are any, so to speak), but she is not home at the moment. Rick has been working late nights so that's a thing.

I mentioned to Rob that my sister may not be paying me this month, but double next month, which he thinks is kinda shady. He said I should ask for a deposit, a good faith payment, but I don't think she would go for it. She cannot spare it if the money isn't there, anyway. Not that I could demand anything of her, I'm not like her. He wanted to see if I needed to get him involved, which I politely declined. I don't really like to 'muddle' family business by including my friend's in such business. I just more brought it up because it was news we were concerned about before I left. So we will see what happens in this month, or the next two months. God will provide.

Admittedly, I don't have the steel backbone of my brother and sister. Even on my most stubborn day, I am not as headstrong as either of them. So 'standing up to my sister about it' is not really a thing I want to do, like she or my brother would in my shoes. If they want something, they tend to really demand it in order to get it and I'm just not on that par. I am the meek, lesser one here. I'm okay with that.

Like I said, being over here so far is not as horrible as I worried about before leaving, haha. Sleeping is uncomfortable though but thankfully, hopefully, I will get a break and be able to come home to my own bed.

I forgot to mention my decision about the loan money thing, it came to mind, I mean, but it never came out.

I talked about how I'm doing fine, and the lack of dishes because one day the sink was full and Maranda did not want to wash them...so she threw out nearly all the dishes in the house, including almost all of the silverware.

I asked Rob if I could bring some back next time I come over but he said to talk to April. I also forgot to mention the cuddly kitty, lol. She's on the level if cuddly like three 'Garbanzos' in one! :D I've always wanted a cat to be so affectionate with me, so there's one of many silver linings, eh?

Rob said to at least insist I can come home every couple of weeks to handle my Secondlife stuff, since I am technically still running a business there that is making REAL money for my bank account. I still don't know how many lindens are on it besides the 2700something when I left (ten dollars worth) so I will be excited to see what I made in a week, or two weeks, without doing ANYTHING on Secondlife, lol. I hope I smile.

Every 5000 lindens I make, that's fifteen dollars. I already have six dollars not cashed out. So basically whatever I make while I'm gone, I subtract three dollars (because of the three dollar cashing out fee) and that's how much I get to cash out. So far, before I left, I'm at least guarenteed thirteen dollars after fees. :D Doesn't sound like much to most people but it's not nothing to me.

BUT if I can't be home to handle customer service issues, my SL business may tank into a bad reputation. Not to mention, there is that group gift giver script that keeps glitching out and not working and someone has to be there to replace it. Might get April to handle that, too.

6:28 p.m. Aaliyah got to play in the water hose, and I also made her a music playlist on iTunes, which she enjoyed. She danced to it by making videos on my iPod's along to the music. I've been SERIOUSLY considering getting her a Kindle Fire for her birthday upcoming birthday.

8:32 p.m. Jen is home. Aaliyah and I chilled and watched a bunch of videos and then she took a bath. I helped Jen take out the trash and got garbage juice on me. :/ Had to rinse it off.

9:14 p.m. Watched videos with Harmony and now it's their bedtime.

10:28 p.m. SO!! I can't sleep. I AM excited however as tonight Jen revealed the new babysitting agenda for the rest of this week. Tomorrow, which is Friday, I will watch Aaliyah. Saturday we go to Mom's house and the kids are getting picked up so I get to spend the weekend with Mom (not to mention getting the occasional wifi and learn once and for all how many lindens were earned while I've been gone this week) and on Sunday is Malania's birthday party. We will then decide on Sunday whether or not me coming home on Sunday is a feasible option. Fingers crossed. I'll try to keep calm if it's a no but will be uber excited if it's a yes.

When I go home, hopefully for a whole week, I can withdraw my lindens and begin the cashout process. It takes two days for SL to send money to my Paypal and takes a few days for Paypal to send that money to the bank so if I want my own pocket change here, I will need the week to do it (and have time to make sure I see when the funds have landed in my bank account) SO excited! It is nice to get paid for something you genuinely enjoy, I would just like to get back into creating on the regular again after all this is done.

Still contemplating that Kindle idea. I'll just have to see how much it costs and whatnot. Last I looked, I didn't think it was too expensive.

11:19 p.m. I'm thinking I will sleep in the living room tonight as the air feels less stiff and cloistered. The cat was brought inside and Skyla of course, followed her everywhere.

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