RETRACTION REQUIRED. SOME DAYS AFTER WRITING THIS ANGRY POST, APRIL REALLY CAME THROUGH FROM ME AND I'M GRATEFUL TO HER. SO I APOLOGIZE. STILL LEAVING IT HERE AS A REMINDER OF MY OWN OCCASIONAL IRRATIONALITY AND MISJUDGEMENT. END RETRACTION.
9:40 a.m. I have to start off my free morning with a rant, unfortunately, because while I should be resting, the same stuff is on my mind regarding this whole loan forgiveness thing. I'm sorry for all the unpleasantness I'm about to say below, but I'm unnecessarily angry and just need to write it down, if only to help the restlessness.
If April herself is reading this, at least read past the rant because I am covering what I'm accountable for here and DO have nice things to say about you, too:
First off, all I can think is this loan thing should have been my affair, between me, God, and this whole deal. But for no reason, my business became the household's business. If I had never gotten anyone else involved, and did this quietly, I think there would be a lot more peace with the situation.
The only reason I really opened my mouth was to announce that I wanted to come up with a way to do this and decided to go to my sister's house. Then April got in on it and the whole dam broke loose.
I was feeling confident, prayed about it, trusting God, and worry free. Then comes April with her paranoia, panic, and worry driving her own ambitions for what she expects me to do. I felt pretty much dragged, kicking and screaming, into a situation I didn't want to go through. She was convinced my identity was about to be stolen and told me to go through all the procedures the next day pertaining to it. I was not convinced.
I believed the place I called to be legit, still do. She told me to do my research, and I did. But it was NEVER about convincing me; proving to myself this was legitimate, which it all the more seems now. She wanted me to convince HER in order for it to matter and she wasn't going to be convinced.
I keep thinking about how I was not allowed to think for myself in the situation. She was making all the decisions for me that she felt needed to be made, because she ALWAYS has to be right. And when she thinks she's right, you have to act according to what she thinks is correct. If you do not let her be right, she will argue and frustrate and guilt you until you give her her way.
I crumble easily under pressure to begin with.
I'm so tried of the chocolate being in my peanut butter. I'm not 'allowed' to handle my own problems because she doesn't trust me to do so. Her way or the highway or she throws a fit until you're guilted into giving in.
This loan business had absolutely positively nothing to do with her in any way whatsoever but she had to take the reigns and drag me through a bunch of stuff I didn't want to go through WHICH brings me back to my previous post, about feeling like the worries and fears of hers keep coming up to stop me, by any means necessary, from pursuing my ambitions. I had to claw tooth and nail just to get to try to become vegetarian (which she eventually relented on and by all means, thankfully, helped with her own money) and she worried when I went to sign up for Google Adsense because SHE never heard of it and of course, rejects the unfamiliar. She rejected job.amazon.com because the word 'job' came first in the url and therefore made it an illegitimate site without seeking any evidence.
In any given situation, her worries, paranoias, and skepticisms drive what she will/will not permit me to have/do in the house.
And so WHAT if it's googled? It's VERY easy to look up articles that ONLY pertain to your point and discard any ones you find that don't along the way. It's biased and means nothing.
The SBI loan forgiveness program is not directly affiliated with this loan company, (why would they be affiliated with or endorse a company who wants to cancel their debts so payments to them stop?), so to her it was deemed a scam.
Dozens of testimonials (including one with a picture of the official letter of a womans loan forgiveness) were automatically ruled fake, without seeing them or any proof and thus only made her think it was a scam. And all the pages saying it worked were called fakes, again without seeing them. So her judgement also was because of that.
In short, if she doesn't trust it, I am strictly forboden any association with it or I will not hear the end of it. I was not permitted to even think or act for myself in my own affairs unless it came to the conclusion of her opinion, which had no place for her involvement to begin with, because she can't trust me to do it. She has to always be right, and if she is right all else to the contrary is wrong. She has to take the reigns. It MUST go her way. -_-
Now we come to the second half of my restlessness. After the situation was over, I was kinda left with a pit in my stomach. Yes, I wanted to believe it but the longer I gave it thought, the more this felt like a missed opportunity. A really BIG missed opportunity. Because I just wanted it to be over and at the time, accept what they were saying and be done, I agreed to be done with the SBI loan forgiveness company.
But by now, in my heart, I am deeply regretting those words.
Here I am, babysitting for months for what was supposed to be this program that I am strictly forbidden to be associated with and it was my own fault for saying it. The whole babysitting thing was arranged while this was my still business to handle, not someone else's.
Now I'm starting to think I should wait before I start paying, like cut off all association with loans/loan forgiveness etc. until I'm in a situation where I am allowed to think and act for myself, without my important life choices (or even mistakes which are supposed to teach me on my life journey) being put up for debate before going through with them.
I love my friends, I do. And without them, I would feel completely alone.
I know it can seem easy to take one problem in any kind of relationship and make it seem like that's all there is to this person, but that is certainly not the case. I love April, she has a lot of good and redeeming qualities and I genuinely admire her as a person and a friend.
Our personalities just tend to clash, hard. We are great friends but two very, very different people.
After reading all those paragraphs above, one might argue "If that's so big of a problem, why don't you just move out?!"
And the answer is simply that I don't want to be alone.
I'll take this over the alternatives any day and twice on Sunday. To have to move back into an extremely impoverished house and spend my life only babysitting for free, sitting around, no internet, ALONE (except for the kids) and stressed all the time, doing nothing productive to advance towards my goals at all, is the last thing I want.
My roommates do care about me. They talk to me and are concerned for me and my well being.
Granted there is a such thing as being overbearing and over-protected as I feel sometimes but this place is what's best for me...the biggest reasons being that I have someone to talk to, earning a little money independently IS possible, and I have more freedoms.
YES, I USED THE WORD FREEDOMS. For all the restrictions I wish there weren't there, that sometimes even feel suffocating, there are the freedoms I am glad to have that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Like the very long walks, of course the internet, blogging, secondlife, what I can eat, pets, alone time, etc.
I'm not sure what to say. It's LIKE having Independence and NOT having Independence at the same time, which can be frustrating.
I don't end up mentioning Rob in this because he's very easy going, which isn't an issue. It's more of the power April has over the decisions in the house that she doesn't see.
There is also the other side of the coin. While I was not for the security protocol thing which I was very stubborn and frustrated her through, her heart was was that she did it because she loves me and genuinely cares about me, is looking out for me and trying to protect me. And that part, at least, was very understandable and is worth noting and appreciating.
Ultimately, we are always going to butt heads over her authority and my resistance of it.
Is it so much to ask to let me be an adult, to not overprotect me in case I make a mistake, instead of just letting me take the risk and try to succeed?? And if it is a mistake, let me learn from it. It's part of growing up. A lot of success can come out of taking chances and leaps of faith, which she is not a fan of letting me risk doing because she is driven by her worries, and I keep feeling like I am missing out.
I still haven't exactly figured out what I should do but the favorite plan is to go ahead and earn this money, and pay my loans sometime down the road when there is less of a grip from someone else on my choices, where I can be a FULLY independent thinker and action taker in my adult life.
With all my heart and strength, I just want to call up the SBI loan forgiveness program and take their deal, but I can't now because I said I wouldn't (when I wanted to just agree to their debates and let it be over.) If I did it after saying I wouldn't, it would not only make me a liar but if I did it AND in secret, it would look like I was just trying to go behind their backs and it would blow things even more out of proportion. Worse case scenario, I couldn't be trusted anymore and get kicked out AND lose my only friends over this.
So yeah, they can at least be rest assured that I won't be dealing with them again, and for what they have in relief, I hold in regret that I couldn't.
So in between repeating all this in my head and keeping my tired body awake, I kept thinking that if I just trusted God, none of this argument would matter and He would make a way for me and my debts CAN still be forgiven anyway, if I just give this problem over to Him. Pray about it. His answers are always Yes and Amen after all for those who believe and follow Him. So that's what I want to do. I'm gonna try to stop worrying about the money and loans, just as I did before the day I made that call to SBI loan forgiveness, and leave it to the Lord. THAT can give me relief.
I need to get into a Church at some point. Apparently, I'm feeling that will help too. I do feel better and hope it stays that way.
Like I said, you may have to pardon the ranting because it is just a lot of unnecessary anger, the things I thought of saying aloud but never bore the courage to do so, so it's all bottled and broken out here. I just needed it out of my head, and I always seem to find the peaceful solutions to come to my heart when I just write them out.
The blog is sort of like 'a letter to God' thing. He doesn't mind hearing the frustrations but they need to be repented, too. Hehe. I do. I want to try to sleep now. Five hours until Aaliyah comes home. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!!
P.S. For those who are skeptical about the usefulness of prayer, I am aware prayer requires both faith AND action! It is easy to pray but ACTIVE action must be taken and through faith God meets the needs for those actions, and that is how prayers come true.
3:03 p.m. Finally managed to fall asleep and woke up around 2:40 p.m. Feeling better and gonna make me some lunch here soon. That line has so many grammatical errors yet it's spoken in my native language, too hahah.
Part of me wants to work on the Dream Doctor at SOME point BUT I already have a version being edited at home and it's like do I really want to delete most of the book and add this edited version? I don't know, maybe. I also brought my sketchbook but have yet to use it either. Oh, and Aaliyah should be home shortly. This was exactly how I wanted to spend my free morning/afternoon: sleeping. And I got it!
Oh! and there's this black and white cat Binx and he is basically giving me all the kitty cuddles. I let him in, and tried to feed/water him but he wont do ti so I am worried, just always meowing unless I'm letting him cuddle and purr on me. We have too many cats as it is, so April would never allow this one to come in, not to mention it would cause Binx some harm. He's not much of a fighter, even with Skyla chasing her. Barely hisses loud. Very scaredy. Hissy and Carlo would definetely not stand for it.
Binx is making up for all the kitty cuddles I'm missing out on at home, though. Although it can't replace the moments Banzo or Jelly decides to sleep on my lap. I more have Skyla for that, who doesn't want to be in a room I'm not in...usually.
3:21 p.m. I was a bit worried about my calorie intake, or lack thereof. At breakfast I ate one small apple and didn't eat again until just now. Even then I wasn't wildly ravenous, probably because I had just woken up. White bread is the only option for sandwiches, so I took it with a pinch of shredded mozzerella, Reds hot sauce, spinach and iceberg lettuce, and some romaine...one of the pieces I could salvage from it. Most of it went REALLY bad so I had to toss it. The other veggies aside from an unsliced cucumber, are in ziploc bags. I'm NOT on a high calorie diet anyway, in the sense that I just don't get enough calories as it is now and don't imagine I will for the next coming weeks.
Tasted good though, I feel nice and full. I noticed the healthier a food is, the slower you eat automatically eat it, allowing proper time for you to get full. One of my favorite things about eating healthy, although I will say if I had to choose what is remotely unhealthy in my main diet right now would be the hot sauce, which I eat with my meals on a DAILY basis. Granted I don't smother it like a thick ranch dressing, but I usually consume 5-6 tablespoons maybe per DAY. That's a lot of hot sauce in my stomach. Again, eventually planning on switching back to a cayenne powder based homemade dressing but that can wait until I'm home again...if the vinegar is there when I get home.
Also, the cat ate a little of my mozzerella which made me feel better seeing it eat SOMETHING. I was worried it was starving itself to death.
Also, I'm excited to imagine how many lindens I will have made even while not being active on Secondlife at all while away. When I left, it was at 2700ish, which was near ten dollars worth and I usually make a nice amount in a week so fingers crossed. :D That's my fun money hehe.
Even after sleeping on it, I decided with the 'once' loan money to just hang onto it for any basic needs. The loans can be handled, God willing, at a time where it will be my own business to deal with the matter. It's a lot less stress that way and even less of a reminder of all this frustration that happened last week. So yeah...I just want to go back to not thinking about it like before. Trusting God to handle it in whatever way He sends.
I think it clears if I drop dead anyway so what REALLY is there to worry about besides my credit, which is already tanked? If I end up marrying the right guy, I don't imagine credit would be something I'd have to worry about, haha. Oi vey.
3:36 p.m. I called Grandpa but its not a recognized number, the number called back but there was no answer. Ah well. If he wonders why he hasnt heard from me, there's something to tell him.
Aaliyah is home, dressed, and playing on my iPod. She also did her daily reading.
3:41 p.m. I miss the internet. O.O I also write 'also' a lot hahah. I have absolutely no connection to any kind of internet whatsoever, for the record and the coming weeks are 'expected' to be just like that.
7:26 p.m. The eating has gotten better. I had grapes for a snack later and just now had my meal plan rice and beans dish with lettuce, and of course, hot sauce. I feel like I've eaten every couple of hours so it's not bad. Aaliyah had her dinner and at the moment, we are just chilling out in Jen's room while she picks what she wants to watch.
Speaking of which, I can't wait until she comes home!! It's been relaxed so I can say the first few days here have been more pleasant and okay than expected. Not too homesick..yet. I hope that it doesn't change.
8:00 p.m. Got a bunch of videos of Aaliyah's increasingly better dance moves on my computer. :D Also, It's Aaliyah's bath time and then at nine, she goes to bed! Yay! Also called Grandpa earlier and said hi. ^__^
8:09 p.m. Jen is home, Harmony is at a friend's house and I am officially off duty! Praise Jesus!! :D Another day through. :)
All Glory, Praise, Thanks and all things be to almighty God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen. God is able to do above all we ask or think!
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