A Daily Diary: Late Night, Early Morning Thoughts

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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Late Night, Early Morning Thoughts

2:37 a.m. It used to be that I would go to bed and wake at a decent morning hour, then it turned into me staying up too late and sleeping through the afternoon, and LATELY I have been going to bed at a decent hour...I think 8 or 9 ish and waking at 12 - 1 a.m. and unable to fall back asleep.

Holding off on eating at the moment, considering my fear that last night's taco might be taking a long time to digest in my stomach and there's the thought of piling more food on top of it. 

Not to mention I haven't done my walking cardio in two days now, I believe.

I often feel like I can't tell when I'm actually hungry or not, anyway. 

Right now, I'm just in the back bedroom listening to calm music. Before I was watching that old Netflix video with the ocean waves. 

By the way, it's been three weeks since I started trying to eat healthier. I may have missed the mark on a couple meals but overall have been eating okay.

Still cut out a lot of the sugar, (especially candy) chips, the soda, the juices and even last night's tacos had very little red meat. I started adding Siracha which has sugar but feeling like switching it for Cayenne powder to get my spicy fix. I'm out of Red's Hot Sauce. :(

The tortillas were white refined bread though so guilty there. Not sure I want tacos again for a long while. XD

I drink Almond Milk on occasion or water. Lots of water. Switched up to a hard plastic bottle the other week which saved plastic water bottles. 

Jen has given no real word yet on if I'm actually going over there today, next week, or at all.

Honestly, I'm not too impatient about it. Part of me hopes she forgets I asked (if I'll just quit bringing it up) and I can go on with my life. I have an aversion to that trailer. No air conditioning, no internet, and my diet would be even stricter as a large majority of the food there is for dinner, dinner leftovers without telling how old they are, or feeding the young four children who live there.

And a tiny twin bed to sleep on.

It's lonely all day. Nobody talks to me there, much at all...unless they need something from me and I don't connect well with them even when we do talk.

I hope you can see why I wouldn't be excited to spend months there...babysitting which is a trial in itself. The only reason I offered was because I'm desperate for the money, to start paying off student loan debt, which she may not even pay because my siblings are in financial constraints as it is. Sigh.

Love my family, but going there is sacrifice a lot of creature comforts while unsure you'll get the reward you seek in return. :/

Asking seemed like a good idea for the first fifteen minutes, then a pit in my stomach wished I never brought it up to her and would just have opted to stay here, with the comfortable, the peaceful, and the familiar. 

Due to past journals, it's easy to see what being there makes me feel like. I overreact about it, certainly, but I get depressed. My friends equally worry for me for the same reasons because they've seen it.

God forgive me and have mercy on my soul, in Jesus name, amen!

Geez, late night thoughts much? 

Another thing..been thinking about the religious persecution I endured from April for writing Jesus on Rick's birthday card one year. Still not ashamed to this day.

Not the first time someone went out of their way to cover His name or message on a birthday card because of me writing it. Pretty sad. I still pray mercy and all.

Then that time my sister's boyfriend Adrian fat shamed me for weeks, accosting me for taking too much food (half of a plate of food of the smallest size in the cabinet) because he saw me taking more than one small scoop from a pan of hamburger helper after staring with cold judgement in his eyes or eating a sandwich when I hadn't eaten all day (and I went in my room to eat in shame of his eyes in the first place.) then accusing me of eating so much bread that nobody else would be able to have any. or when new food was brought in the house, he would refuse to let me eat any. My Mom said if he kept that up, she'd kick him out. She was/is always the one I felt like who cared.

Thankfully their relationship came to an end and he was gone from my life afterwards. It ended with a hug and he left.

This was years ago, back when I lived in that trailer. It's in my early journals in real time.

It's easy to list all the bad experiences and then let that paint a picture of who he was entirely as a person. I don't think that does. He almost married my sister, even! She saw something there that wasn't horrible, didn't she?

Or maybe he never saw what he did to me. It's an often case where we do evil to others and don't even notice it.

All those memories come back now and then.

I end up praying a lot of mercy there too. I forgive him entirely. I do. :) 

I make a point of forgiving everyone, to please Christ most of all, but it gives me peace of mind. I hope He'll forgive me for bringing it up. It is a sin to bring up past wrongs, so yeah.

Late night thoughts. Still listening to calm music. Amen. God bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saved and I'm not gonna hide it.

3:44 a.m. Ate some apples and grapes and starting my morning with some web surfing and Supernatural. God, too. lol. We really need to go grocery shopping because the fruit is aging a little. I ate plenty of it this week. For the record, we started out with a whole bunch and I'm happy a lot of it got eaten this week instead of just going bad.

Biding my time until sunrise when I can go out walking, finally. It takes me back to that time I snuck out at 5 a.m to do it before the sun was even up, because if my roommates knew they would have stopped me. Hoping to get out of my sleep clothes here shortly and into something more casual. I love feeling and seeing my smaller tummy lol. It may not appear perfect, but it is looking different than it did a few weeks ago.

4:57 a.m. Wrote a post about God, prayer, and sins so I'm glad I got that out. Praise the Lord! This after reading some Christian blogger posts and whatnot.

5:26 a.m. Really not perfect even after the post. Chilling out and watching Supernatural. Still waiting for sunrise for my wonderful morning walk.

Also changed into a tank top and sweatpants, feeling more comfortable.

1:49 p.m. Shortly after, I watched Supernatural a bit and then really went back to sleep.

I was still very slightly waking up when she came in and said I'd have to help with what I want from the farmers market. Can't pay extra for it this week do my choices kinda limited. I asked for my apples and bananas as they are my morning boost.

I like brown rice, beans, and greens (mainly lettuce) the rest of my day. And more fruit. 

Would be very nice to adopt this as my main official diet but I want to throw some white meat or tuna in there now and them.

Not exercising today as it turns out as its my day of rest, religiously. XD Will have to eagerly and excitedly wait until Monday. :)

I feel more in shape than I have in a long time. I don't look buff in the least BUT I've noticeably (to me) drop of some body far in some places.

Also, I KNOW I said I didn't want to weigh myself BUT that kind of info will be needed to determine my BMI, metabolic rate, body fat percentage possibly and all that health stuff.

I can't lost honestly as I haven't weighed myself in a long time. So whatever I weigh, I know it's less/better than I did three weeks ago (without knowing how much that was.) Soo yeah.

My ideal healthy range for my age and height is around 140-150s. My dream weight is 125-130s, like I was ten years ago.

That won't take three weeks. I keep telling myself to be patient and keep going. It's working. Gotta go. We're leaving soon. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!!! Take care. :O

5:04 p.m. We are home and Jen is saying she will be taking me to the trailer tomorrow. Will be internet-free for a while.

5:28 p.m. I got my Secondlife group gifts released early since I may not be here in time to release them on the normal date.

Also I'm 196 pounds, which is odd because I don't look it. I'm definitely definitely LEANER than when I started, like ALL over, and it's easy to tell. I can only assume I've built a little muscle along with dropping some excess fat. Not to mention I feel and move a lot healthier than expected with a weight that high.

According to the body fat calculate for my weight and measurements, I am 27 percent body fat which falls just in the 'average or acceptable' range. It's only been three weeks so not sweating it there. I can only make more progress from here if I stick to it.

6:21 p.m. I had the last of my kidney beans, tofu (which I have gotten used to) and brown rice meal with romaine lettuce and Reds got sauce. Also drinking water.

No more almond milk left and we couldn't afford it this week.

Also, I had a banana before that dinner. Feel good and full, without too much guilt lol. Maybe should sub cayenne powder for hot sauce one day. :)

We are at day 21 and are starting week four tomorrow. There's not much reason I can't stick to it while away if I bring enough of my own food and eat an appropriate amount of meals. 

Ideally I want to hit 30 weeks and see that transformation. I'll only find out if I try, right?

Also, Malania's birthday is next week. That will be another test in itself. Pray for me in Jesus Name, Amen!


Ignoring the size goals as I accept my body is gonna change as it needs to. Thirty weeks to be a new healthier me and in the best shape of my life!  I already got to tear down the 3 week mark post it which made me SO happy!! This doesn't mean I'm only doing it for forfor thirty weeks, I just want to know what I would look like if I make the 30 week effort to change, and from there still continue a lifestyle change.

Right now, I want to make it over a month which is even better because last time that was how long my last attempt at a lifestyle change lasted before I derailed for the the year that followed it.

Here's to pulling the reigns on obesity, and hopefully for good.

God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! In Jesus name, amen! God is able to do above all I ask or think.

6:57 p.m. Yay! Blurb journal updated! :D

8:03 p.m. Page 74 of 198 edited of The Dream Doctor! Woot woot! Praise Jesus. God is good.

11:29 p.m. I got a couple hours of sleep, then got up and made my 'Meal Plan' food. A combo of:
Brown rice
Lentils bean mix (with very little white rice)
Pinto beans
2 boiled boneless chicken breasts (cut up)
Mixed vegetables
Natural seasonings

(I ate a little some for dinner too just now)

For fruit:
Bananas
Apples
Oranges

Other:
Homemade peanut butter
More of the meal plan ingredients (for week two) plus tuna instead of chicken. Uncooked. Also a ziploc bag mixed with natural seasonings.

I PLAN on packing:
Romaine lettuce
Some iceberg lettuce
Reds' hot sauce
Spinach
Celery
Grapes

MAYBE a very light amount of mozzarella.

My plastic water container of course, very small but holds about a gallon of water.

That has to refrigerate though until it comes close to me getting picked up. This is for two weeks worth of food, or to last me longer if something comes up.

As for my other stuff:
iPod and iPod charger
Phone and Phone charger
Netbook and charger
USB
My entire laundry basket of newly clean clothes
Travel sketchbook and pencils
Toiletries
Tennis shoes and sandals
Gallon bag for netbook and electronics

...and that is how a woman packs for two weeks. 

Granted, I am supposed to come home for a few days after those two weeks and go back, but this is good. :D I have to be prepared for all lulls of boredom, don't I?

Something psychological going on, though. Like the moment I learned how much I weigh, I got bloated. I feel squishy. O.O Hopefully, I will bounce back.

1:38 a.m. Edited up to page 93, so I'm almost halfway done.

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