A Daily Diary: Conflicted Christian Post

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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Conflicted Christian Post

I feel like when I'm writing about my current relationship with God, the answers come a lot easier. I'm really feeling like writing out all these reasons why I'm not the perfect Christian and things about God I feel guilty for not understanding what to do.

Especially with things that are obvious for a Christian but I'm just not wrapping my brain around. The things I know I'm clinging on to that I shouldn't be.

  • What does it really mean to give it all up for God? What does giving up everything you have and all your comforts really entail? I know it's probably the devil but every time I come across that commandment, I feel the doubt in my heart that I could do that, then feel shame before the Lord for not having done it yet.
I feel an answer already, that He has not given me the spirit of doubt and shame.

Then there's the long list of things I cling to in my life that I know God disapproves of.
  • Secondlife
  • Supernatural 
  • Seeking money
  • Seeking attention for my Secondlife stuff.
  • Bringing up past wrongs.
  • Those awful things I say when talking about politics.
  • Agreeing and openly approving of bad things.
  • Putting off reading my Bible for most of this stuff.
  • Those horrific pornographic and all around abominable nightmares I get.
  • Profanity.
  • Anger.
  • Obsessing over how my body looks and picking out pieces of it in the mirror.
  • Keeping people who often want to keep me from God's purpose for my life, because otherwise I would have no friends and feel completely alone.
  • Boasting
  • Innappropriate television in general and videos.
  • Unnecessary spending instead of saving/tithing.
  • I don't bother much to memorize scripture and keep it in my heart even though I try to read it every day. I feel like I'm the one Jesus talks about in this such an example that the devil gets to, where he takes the word out after hearing it. A lot.
  • Not going to Church a lot.
  • Choosing wordly stuff over time with Him.
  • The way I treat Donny, my 'he knocks too much' neighbor.
One sin committed is the same as committing them all in the eyes of God, so this is on a very bad level.

God says I have forgiveness of all these things.

Fact of the the matter is I have not let go of them all yet even though I have my eternal life to think about here. I cling to it and it's very unfortunate.

He is with me, always.

I have some nice qualities too, but don't really want to make this post about them for fear I would be boastful. I mean, I know I want to love and forgive everyone and everything, and in turn I can be rest assured God forgives me too.

I try to read my Bible daily, even though I am often not putting it first.

I always hope that when I do get up to them pearly gates, God will let me in. I do believe Jesus is God, Son of God, died on a Cross for forgiveness of my sins, and Rose from the Dead..and that He is Coming back, too. I have forgiveness of my deeds.

That's great and all but how can I get up there if I'm still somehow clinging to bad stuff like this, even if I want dearly to repent and try to? What's repentance without the change of my ways and stopping my love of these things?

Pray He forgives me.

What does it mean when I want something to happen, and am not worried, but a person wants to stop me with all they can because they are worried, and feel like they need to worry on my behalf? Part of me feels like there are recent missed opportunities because someone else's choice to worry (because unlike me, they think it's a necessity in life to do so) stops me from pursuing a goal I had in mind?

Like take the recent student loan forgiveness thing, I was NOT worried. I prayed about it, was ready for that opportunity, and felt it was blessed, but then someone else comes along with the mountain of unnecessary worry/panic and does all they can to stop me from pursuing that course. What do I do then?

May He make a way for me, then.

I shouldn't judge too harshly. I know that God has a set purpose for me and no amount of anyone's worrying will stop that course. 

  • What does it mean to seek Him above all things and can  really do that?
I struggle with that because I am weak.

May He give me strength,

  • Seems like every day I fail at putting God first, even purposefully and knowingly, and even though I know it's not right I do it anyway.
I think God is granting me peace of mind so I'm glad I got this out.

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