A Daily Diary: August 2016

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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Last Post for August 2016

10:06 a.m. YAY!!!  A decent morning. I had some dreams and whatnot and woke up to here an email alert bing on my iPod, thinking it was my imagination. I got up and checked, for giggles, and the internet was connected. Not only THAT BUT my Paypal request went through so now 17 bucks is on its way to my bank account and I am GUESSING it will be there around the weekend or on Monday, which is cool with me.

Just as long as it gets there. I have two dollars to my name right now and when I come back after the weekend, if Jen manages to let me go as agreed, I desperately need to get some things for the house from the Dollar Tree. Hopefully, Aaliyah will be allowed on said shopping trip as last night she wanted something but I told her I was too short and she shoulod wait until I get more money. I plan on letting her pick out a toy, maybe even get one for Harmony. That's only if we are shopping at the Dollar TREE, NOT Dollar General or something. Dollar Tree is wear everything is a dollar. She had a quaint idea, buy plastic spoons and forks instead, since you'd get more for the price. All they have to do it rewash them. Love it!!

It's my morning off. Harmony is supposed to be at daycare until evening, Aaliyah in school until three o' clock so I am very very pleased with today so far and I hope it lasts. Last night I stayed up watching a Netflix documentary on the forensic science regarding poison, which I found interesting. :D

April and I have a similar agreement though that jurors should be made up of trained/qualified legal minds and professionals, not average joes. Especially since the lives of others often hang in the balance on their decision. -nods-

Another bonus is while I was away, I've earned five dollars so far since Friday, like a dollar a day just from sales on Secondlife alone without being there. I REALLY need to come out with a new release though. >.> I'd like to go back to the days when doing that whenever I wanted was an actual option. Cest la vie. One last note, R.I.P. Gene Wilder, who passed recently. He will be missed, in Jesus name amen, God rest his blessed soul.

10:21 a.m. Internet went out. Oh well. Time to chill out in bed, anyway. Now it's back. Still getting off the computer. Not much I want to do at the moment.

12:03 p.m. Well, so much for the afternoon off. At least I got the morning off. Jen came back early with Harmony and now I'm watching them. Just ate and feeling good and all, though. Also, I'm glad I managed to squeeze in a shower before Jen got home. She asked, defensively, if I've used any of her towels and I said no, I brought [used] my own (which I did) and she calmly said "Oh."

Maranda is making Checkers Fries. I don't know if I'm eating any or not, I usually eat the unhealthy stuff if it's served to me (because I don't want to be snooty or come off rude and impolite by rejecting it) Soda, however, is kind of another story. While I enjoyed a glass yesterday (aside from my body not really wanting to swallow the syrup) I couldn't stand another glass today of the same drink and spat it in the trash. I wasted the rest of a cup by dumping it down the sink. :( Sad face is for the waste, not for rejecting soda itself)

I suppose that's a good thing. How can you feel deprived of it if your body doesn't even like it to begin with anyway? SO!! I think we are back on that track. The rest of the house can have it. The only issue is the occassional unhealthy foods I eat now which I try to limit my intake of even then because I have watch going over the amount of calories I can possibly burn with the sediatary lifestyle I've had the past week. To be honest, I end up feeling like my safest bet is to try to be Calorie Deficient, like 1000 calories under my 'daily needs to maintain my weight', give or take. Not that I count calories. I just don't end up eating a lot throughout the day, mostly sticking to a breakfast (sometimes), lunch, and a dinner schedule, and an occassional light snack.

I've been asking for fruits and vegetables for days now (as per my agreement with Jen but I still haven't seen that happen) which is not suprising. I just miss my apples, bananas, and grapes dude. -_- In the list of priorities in her life, my needs generally fall to the bottom half of the chain, let me put it that way. Anyway, just chilling. Jen and Maranda are making food for their kids and I'm....just me. P.S. Still excited that the Paypal thing went through and money is now on the way to the back. Praise Jesus! Jesus loves, lives, died, rose, saved. God is good.

5:13 p.m. So the rest of the day has mostly been: 'Dude, I'm staying out of the way', day.

In other words, after about a half hour of having Harmony watch and sing-along-to a kids video, I moved to Aaliyah's bedroom and immediately left her to her mother. This must have been a short time before Aaliyah was due home. It's where I've been in here since. Sleeping. Peacefully. Maranda found me a REAL blanket to use, lol.

Anyway, I would wake up now and then to kids screaming and crying, and more recently, Jen and Maranda shouting at either the kids or each other. Then followed by very noisy/frustrated cooking and cleaning. Hasn't been a real quiet moment where I thought I could go out there yet and be comfortable or at peace, so I'm holed up here in Aaliyah's room...Skyla has been by my side the whole time too. Good thing, too, because she would only be caught in the middle of all that mess. P.S. Aaliyah invited me to dinner (hamburger helper) but I think I'm gonna pass, didn't even sound like it was done yet. O.O

5:34 p.m. I went out there, at a time where it was probably the most quiet it was gonna be, heated and ate leftover Checkers fries and my meal plan food (portioned) on a  medium plate....grumbling about my missing water bottle (which no one spoke up about until Maranda got up and she was sitting on it) fighting the kids to eat, and they spilled a drink I had to clean up. All in all when I finished, I retreated back to the bedroom for some good ole' fashioned SOLITUDE. O.O

7:40 p.m. Maranda invited me on her errands again, which was great. We usually spend time ranting about the stuff we hate that's going on in the house and it's good to connect with an underdog like myself. She got me soda, too, and like I said, I won't turn down the offer out of politeness. Soooo....yeah. Also had a LITTLE bit of Mcdonalds tonight, like half a double cheeseburger. That was nice, too. ^__^ I ain't perfect, but life is okay. Maranda hopes to move in a month and I hope she gets her wish.

8:56 p.m. Watched Hotel Transylvania 2 with Harmony and have been chilling out. I managed to message April and Rob about how things were before the internet cut out (Maranda's phone died) and now this day has passed. OH! And Maranda picked up plastic utensils so we'll actually have SOMETHING to eat with, Praise Jesus! I've been really unhealthy today to be honest but that's life. Cest la vie! (if that's how you even spell it.)

10:04 p.m. Been surfing GIFS and gonna update my blogger, hopefully. :)

10:50 p.m. It went fast but the blog is updated. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!! Night folks!

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Friendly Advice and Blessings from God.

9:29 p.m. I was just woken up and thrust into watching two screaming playing toddlers, and I'm on five hours sleep. I'm officially not a morning person today. -_- Do I need more reason to want to be home, with the privelege of sleeping in, and in a quieter enviroment?

Maranda and I spent a lot of hours sharing stories/bonding and talking until the midnight hours, then I spent a few more hours playing online while I could.

The kids took the one real blanket I've had to sleep with the past week so I could only sleep with a baby blanket on a child-sized bed. (They sleep in their Mom's room for now) Sound comfy? YOU try that for being your option for a week or two, eh? Jesus, I'm even mentally crabby right now. I miss my home comforts. This isn't some shocker, I knew I would before I got here.

Far as I'm concerned is I'm going through all this for free at this point because Jen won't pay me a cent if I'm not going through with the whole three months, which I really don't want to. I want to go home and stay there for months and months, loans or not. I've always been the strange person who decided no amount of money, or in this case, in the end the lack thereof, was not worth sacrificing even the small portion of me living a happy life. Life is short. I want to enjoy it.

At least Maranda just woke up. I have simply blared music in my headphones as I am not prepared to listen to screaming/arguing/squealing toddlers on five hours sleep right when just waking up. >.>

11:18 a.m. Better mood. I had some food and the kids watched kid videos and played. Drake is going down for a nap and it's just me and little Harmony now, and her purple balloon which all the kids have been fascinated with since bringing it from Marley's b-day party.

1:21 p.m. Contacted April and her advice was simple, uphold my end of the agreement UNLESS she breaks hers..THEN I can quit. Totally reasonable. Weekend off every two weeks, 130 per MONTH, for three months. THAT was our deal. So yeah, if Jen holds up her end AND pays me this month as per the original agreement, then I will be coming back as agreed. This way I don't come off as uncredible. ^__^ For all out disagreements, April's still someone to turn to when I have trouble figuring things out. Guess it works best when I'm completely open to her advice.

8:51 p.m. SO!! I put Harmony down for a nap at 2:30 and we slept together a few hours, she got up before me and I slept until 5:30 p.m. again. I woke up a bit crabby again so after that passed, I got the kids dinner made. It was hard to get them to eat, especially Harmony and then Maranda and I went to run a few small errands. I wound up coming back with two two liter sodas I bought. I am back on soda. -_- When in Rome, do as the Romans do. I can restart easily when I come home, lol.

Me, Jen, DJ, and Maranda sat at the table and we chatted about random stuff like adults, one of the few times I felt like a grown member of this family lol. Now everyone is dispersing. Maranda is until she gets the kids to bed, anyway so it's just me typing in the living room.

Also, I'm thinking of using my sl money, if it gets in my bank account from Paypal, to get some stuff for the house from the dollar tree. Silverware, dishes, etc. because it's to the point of sharing like three forks with an entire household and a few cups. We need the help. XD I can be generous. I'm feeling better finally about coming back, I just hope I don't get let down to the point where I really am driven away. I feel for Maranda, after all, all the babysitting load she's stuck with.

It SHOULD be in my Paypal by now, ready to be transferred to my bank account over the next few days but I can't check until I can use her hotpsot again and the phone is dead...sooo yeah. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves folks! Mwuah!!

9:39 p.m. So I almost got completely locked out of my Paypal account by typing the password wrong ONCE so that was scary, because they refused to accept a new number being it was registered in Grandpa's name. SO! I went the route of 'forgot passowrd' and went through OTHER available security options which worked and now I'm back in my account, praise Jesus! The money was not in there so we will have to wait until tomorrow to see, I guess.

Also, Joe, Shane, and is girlfriend are thinking of moving in. Not a popular choice, except maybe Shane (who we've known since early childhood.)

Monday, August 29, 2016

Quitting?

1:31 p.m. Last night, I got to use the hotspot to download as many Youtube videos as I could, most of them for the kids, until it went weak for like a couple hours and unusuable. Then I watched Pleasantville and tried to go to sleep.

I woke up later in the morning with tooth pain, nausea, and a rash on my inner thighs from new fat growth and them brushing together when I walk. When I managed to sleep, it was until the afternoon when Jen left and she gave me pain medication.

The afternoon has gone fine, kids ate and watched videos, then Netflix (Home 'The movie' and Clifford) I'm very skeptical Jen will let me go home Friday despite any argument I could make. I've pretty much made up my mind that once I'm home, I'm not coming back and April and Rob may have to stand up for me...since I cannot very well myself.

Granted, I'm in the wrong by breaking the length of stay agreement early, but she broke agreement first when she said I may not even get paid in the first month after all (once she had me over here and I had no choice to stay anyway), and if she extends my stay past Friday, she would be breaking it again. Heck, she'd probably be smart to keep me here as long as possible if I plan on ditching this once I get home. She'll get all her use out of me then. She probably won't be surprised, if not expecting me to back out of it. I need a little more honoring of my agreement to stay but it's come to a point where I don't think I can trust what she offers anymore. She knows once she has me over here, I have to stay no matter what anyway because she's my only way home. So why should she have to honor it all if I'm stuck here anyway?

Babysitting is not the issue, not like it used to be in the past. Kids are fine. It's more that I feel more or less treated like a daughter of hers rather than a grown adult. Not to mention the broken deals, of course, which was shady. So done with it. Sometimes, I can't talk to her without her talking to me in a frustrated voice, too.

Maranda is a far better mother to her children than I initially gave her credit for. (I'm happy to admit I was wrong.) So I am not really worried about having to watch them too because she does fine enough on her own. Not only that, she actually TALKS to me which is something my family doesn't do often around here. Most of the time, when they just need something from me. >.>

As for my diet, it has gotten less healthy as less fruits and vegetables are available to me. Initially before coming here, Jen said she would cover me the second week (this week) but when I asked, the money wasn't there. Hopefully, she'll try. I ate fries this morning, not many, but still...fries. STILL avoiding sodas and juices though. Eating in smaller portions. Fries were all I had eaten since the birthday party yesterday, which is a lengthy amount of hours so I can hope a lot of that barbeque food digested...but that also means I've undoubtedly added extra fat since being here due to not only less nutrition and less calorie intake the past week (and when I do, not always healthy), but stress and lack of proper sleep habits...and now skipping breakfast lately. Oh, and lack of morning exercise. I have put on weight, but not giving up, still gonna try despite these setbacks. The last week of the first month is always the hardest for some reason. -_-

2:52 p.m. After Harmony watched cartoons. The kids played in the water hose and a giant green storage tub until it started raining. :) Now Harmony is gonna be drawing on my iPod, painting app. There's a kids mode on there that makes 'magical' musical noises when she makes a stroke so kids love it.

Random note: They have fun little stamps including a cupcake which she calls 'cake cake' lol.

3:02 p.m. She drew Mickey Mouse and I just saved it. :)

5:00 p.m. We worked together to clean house and I made a fresh batch of my meal plan food. :) Happy about that. The house is slowly getting more tolerable.

9:07 p.m. So the day is winding down. The kids played, Videos and internet as well. I had hot dogs and mac for dinner, (which the kids helped make) and played some more. I had my meal plan food and it was fine enough for me. Still either bloated or just carrying more extra fat for now. Not fun. . The house is cleaner than it was earlier. The kids bathed at eight and are SUPPOSED to be in bed, but they are not going to sleep but playing in there. I wash my hands of it, leaving it to Jen when she gets home.

I watched a Comedy show of Jeff Foworthy and Larry the Cable Guy, got halfway through the battery died on Maranda's phone, cutting off the wifi hotspot RIGHT before the punchline!! -_- Too bad. Will have kind of a long wait now.

10:16 p.m. I was able to watch some more later and Jen soon came home the adults hung out and shared some viral videos. (At some points felt like on the outside of the social circle looking in) Kids were officially put to bed by Jen and now everyone is dispersing. Apparently, Joe might be staying here a few days...wish someone would be moving in and it would kind of relieve me of this whole babysitting duty.

Maranda's phone died again because she switched the chargers so now I am charging it again and being without internet....O.O

10:53 p.m. Just went on a ride with Maranda, she offered, while she dropped me off. We get along great, she and I can relate on the levels of being underdogs in the house..although I think I am a bit moreso than she is. O.o After all, DJ and her kids are here...people who can be there for her no matter what. Not to say my family isn't there for me from time to time, just they are able to be there for me when able and usually the case is a matter of their convenience and level of benefit coming first. My friends offer something my family cannot, however, which is a real deep connection, especially in social situations.

Been dreading the thought of quitting. On one hand, my heart REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to and feel intended on it, on the other is the amount backlash I would receive for doing so. There's just nothing LIKE home here and I really do get homesick in a strong way. I have to go and stay a LONG period before wanting to come back. I will try to include April and Rob in this as I need their strong will to stand up here, which I have not against my sister. Hopefully, that at least works in my favor. I need to be around them. I live there and want to stay there as often as possible, and yes, the conditions are vastly preferable...as are the freedoms. >.>

Sunday, August 28, 2016

Update: Shopping, Parties, Then Disappointment.

3:30 a.m. Well, I suppose I'm awake now. I slept well enough, just woke up early. To go over yesterday's events:

1. We took the kids over to their Aunties house. Met a nice young woman who is starting her pregnancy and her stomach was hurting. (It wasn't her shower we were going to, as I said, was a family friend's shower who I didn't know)
2. Mom and I then went to Kmart to pick up gifts for both the baby shower (a couple onesies) and MARLEY's birthday party (not Malania.) We almost got her a fishing pole then saw someone was already getting her that. She couldn't believe they didn't even have a tackle box for little kids.

I think we got her a Doc Mcstuffins doll on behalf of someone else who gave Mom the money for it and I forget what we picked out for her. Sorry. (I think it was an outfit or something else Doc McStuffins related)

AND Mom got me a lava lamp (I've always wanted one but skipped buying it when the opportunity arose) and we THOUGHT it was on sale, and it was, but she was charged full price (near double the sale price of thirteen something dollars.) So there was a long wait in the customer service line and we were ready to decide to just get the full refund instead of getting the correct price, but they wound up paying the difference anyway SO I get the lava lamp I've been wanting forever now. XD Just now I don't know where I'm gonna set it up because I fear the cats knocking it over.

Before we left the parking lot, I moved a cart out of the way of Mom's door, and as we were leaving I watched in horror as it sailed head on across the parking lot into someone else's car. O.O Whoever you were, I am SOOOOOOOO very very sorry about that. It all happened so fast that even if I had left the car, (I was already buckled in and shocked a bit) I don't think I could have stopped it in time.

At the shower itself, I actually had fun. The food was WONDERFUL. There were a LOT of those deli sandwiches. I have a note on how much I ate (not all in one sitting, mind you:)
I ate a small apple with the kids earlier in the morning.

1. One triangle slice of a cocktail sandwich. Small slice. It has some light mayo/mustard, several slices of deli meats, sliced pickles, and a slice of swiss cheese on white bread.
2. Four to six cocktail weenies with minimal barbeque sauce (it was covered in it, would have gone without the sauce if I had a choice)
3. Some small sliced fruit (watermelon and strawberries) and grapes.
4. (about) Four cocktail cheese slices. Just about.
5. Shelled peas, baby carrots, and some small celery stalks. (no dressing)
6. A couple finger licks of Harmony's frosting from her cupcake. She ate it in my lap and I got some on my finger trying to help her flipped cupcake.
7. Water.
8. Arizona Iced Tea (has high fructose corn syrup but I didn't drink a lot of it) Mom bought me more but I haven't opened it yet. I don't generally want to pick sugary drinks out myself but I'm not so snooty that if someone spends their own money to buy it as a kind offering, I would refuse to drink it. So maybe some later. At least it isn't soda.

Soda was what killed last years attempt at a healthy lifestyle and right around at the same time point I am at now, ironically.

At the shower, there were fun games. Guess how many sixlets in a jar (I think it was around 1600 something and I guess only 500 XD) Adults played with play doh to make the best-looking baby while the kids looked on longingly, unable to play with it until we were done. Measuring the stomach game. I didn't win any of them but I had fun anyway. The kids got in the bounce house and played. :)

A storm came on towards the end so it was a quick cleanup and then we left, heading to the Dollar Tree (everything one dollar, LOVE that place!) to pick up some gift bags for Marley's party today. Since we weren't rushing, we looked around. Mom picked out these awesome plastic skull goblets. Halloween decor is in full swing and it's not even September yet, let alone October. Hers was clear and mine a translucent black, and Mom picked up a couple other things she needed. We found a Frozen gift bag (surprising as we doubted we would find one) and a Disney princess one and got those matching swirly ribbons for the Frozen bag.

When we got home, we finally relaxed. The kids are at their Aunties so it was nice and quiet. We watched some TV and waited on DJ to get the last of his stuff, AND find the DVD/Blu ray remote which rendered the player useless without it. Originally Mom told him to go pick up a Universal remote but he skipped that idea, walked in, and picked it up right where he left it. Smh. It was behind a styrofoam box beside the couch.

He wanted to hang out but Mom said no, she loves him but he's been hanging out for five days! XD So she shooed him home, nicely. :P Kids went home with him so we had a nice quiet evening, watched Pirates of the Caribbean until I fell asleep. She fell asleep before me.

Hours later, we both woke up and she moved to her room and I moved to the couch. I slept nicely until around 2:30 a.m. Then I couldn't sleep and played on Instagram, uploading things without internet so they are in limbo. Watching Pirates 2 again and writing this entry.

I finally feel all caught up. :D Praise Jesus! The party is much later today so I chill out until then. This beats hanging out at the trailer, I'll tell you that. O.O

4:30 a.m. Mind you, once again I think I've skipped eating since around 3-4 p.m. ish yesterday. All that added sugar product and meats (even in small portions), I had all that food mentioned that I would prefer to let my stomach work on it a good long while before adding more to it, especially when it comes to eating meat which takes the longest to digest. Not that hungry now anyway. I also realized though that it helpd me sleep at night a lot easier. XD

8:32 p.m. I stayed up until later until the morning, and Mom let me get an afternoon nap before we left. The part went fine, I got a lot of stuff on my Instagram. :) Self explanatory. MEANWHILE, my lower left jaw is killing me, all them teeth aching at once. Did not eat great today: Hotdog, cocktail weenies, a little beans, and three chicken wings. There were no veggies or fruit laid out this time.

Jen said no about going home, I was frustrated, getting over it. She gave me some orajel. Thinking I will have to wiggle my way out of coming back after coming home, after all, I CAN save money with an at home job on Secondlife, if I push myself hard enough. *.* So done. M

aranda kindly offered me her phone hotspot which is an offer I might take her up on if she'll let me. I kept this story short. My phone is dead, iPod is near dead and charging, and I am writing on my netbook. Stuck her until Friday, or later. -_- Also, getting bit my mosquitos. This weekend, unfortunately, did not end well. I loved being at Mom's that brief time, for obvious reasons written in my entries.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Short Post, Update Soon.

10:09 a.m. I've since relaxed about the babysitting thing and realize it was quite a long period of me overreacting. I had to drudge through a sea of depression to arrive at that conclusion. At Mom's, watching the kids, since there was miscommunication and Mom is expected to drive them around. So another unexpected setback. I love them, but I did want a break. >.>

On the plus side, I made 1000 lindens and cashed everything out, earning 17 dollars which should come into my Paypal account around Tuesday, then it will take a few MORE days to land in my bank account. The sooner it got done, the better.

I slept uncomfortably on the floor last night and the kids took the couch. I went out at Modnight when everyone was sleeping to try and get a wifi signal and failed.  I did eventually fall asleep, at one point waking to find Harmony had moved in Mom's room to sleep with her. I eventually took the couch.

After they had their breakfast, I took them out to play and then we came in so I could get a drink, shower, and get them dressed. We are going to someone's baby shower today, a family friend I'm not acquainted with and then tomorrow is Malania's birthday party and the ultimate fate: Home sweet home or the slightest thing circumstance holding me at the trailer, even if Nikki shows up, who also elected to babysit? O.O It would take an entire miracle for me to get home tomorrow, just seriously. I know my family.

I also managed to get a wifi signal when I was watching the kids play outside, surprisingly, so more email checks and tried to upload a long Youtube video but there wasn't time. More soon, gotta go.

Friday, August 26, 2016

Worried But Headed to Mom's! Yay!

9:50 a.m. I barely slept last night...it was rough. I don't think sleeping in the living room is gonna work out for me after all. I went to bed sometime in the early morning hours, on and off, and woke around 9 a.m. ish...mid something around there. I've not eaten since yesterday's pop tart cheat meal. I wound up just skipping dinner and woke up realizing I had not eaten in the past 19 hours. I figured maybe, just MAYBE, I could push it into being a 24 hour fast (not that I plan on doing this often) then going for my meal plan rice, beans, and veggies mix for some replenished nutrients. Given that, the fast should end at 3:17 p.m. today SHARP. Drinking plenty of water today, too.

I thought of taking the one-a-day multivitamin but I heard horror stories on Amazon.com about what happens when you take it on an empty stomach, so I'll wait until I actually eat something, please. :D

Also, I recently remembered something I left out of last night's post. Mom is coming TONIGHT and I can go with her and spend the weekend with her, starting TONIGHT!! Praise Jesus! At least, that's how I hope things will be working out. An extra blessing would be getting that week off come Sunday but we'll see what God has in store, won't we? :) I just can't wait to also see my Secondlife emails and see how much I have earned on there so far this week, -fingers crossed- I am excited!

I tried to get a little cardio this morning, however without having eaten breakfast first for some energy, I assumed I would not get very far. I was right. I walked to the coldesac (the shorter end of the street in front of the house) and back. Not to mention it's an unusually HOT Florida morning. At least my heart was pumping when I laid back down afterward, Praise the Lord, so my heart got some extra morning start after all.

Another afternoon I guess with the Lord in my heart and watching some real life crime solving television I enjoy so much (They need more of that on Netflix, imho.) God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Later homies! Mwuah!

10:23 a.m. I'm doing just as I hoped I would. Got up for some belly rotating exercise (something similar to belly dancing) for a full timed minute in the mirror. Doesn't sound like much but for a body not experienced with it, it is just a little intense.

10:43 a.m. I called Mom to see about tonight and she said she's gonna try to get Jen to bring them because she doesn't have the gas money. If Jen doesn't have gas money, I may have to mentally prepare myself to be staying here for the weekend. Which should be fine. This place isn't the worst place to be in the world, just kinda miss the internet XD and Mom immensly so.

11:23 a.m. I..am watching The View, which I haven't watched in ages. Didn't even know Candace Cameron was on it, which is awesome. I love her. I'm kinda wondering who the original cast was, as apparently they are coming up on the 20th anniversary.

The crime solving channel was airing a World's Dumbest Criminals thing (I can't stand those kind of shows) so The View it is.

Definetely feeling the hunger and got a few more hours of the fast to go. More like four hours. I think I can do it if I trust God and endure, of course. I gave the cat some tuna and Skyla ate the leftovers. :S I'm just happy to see the cat eat something. SOMEONE had to feed the poor thing. O.o I'd give anything to take her home but April would never allow it, being we already keep up with five cats, however cuddly this baby is. While I am here for the next few months on and off, that stull leaves me plenty of bonding time.

I need to get my stuff together today and do my laundry.

12:04 p.m. Okay, WASP situation! I let Skyla out (she begged) and a wasp came in through the laundry room (which is connected to the back door) and looked particularly vicious. I couldn't get past it to open up the door, and Skyla got inside and got involved, snapping at the thing. I was worried she would get stung, or even make this wasp more angry. I eventually went through the front door, went around, and opened up the back door from the outside. Skyla followed me back inside, through the front door and I headed back to the laundry room to watch.

At first it seemed like it was avoiding going outside, it took quite a few minutes, or what felt like it, to go outside but it did and of course, I closed the door QUICK!! I hope you going outside was worth it, Skyla. >.> P.S. Got my dirty laundry going as well. :) So there's some progress.

12:46 p.m. Solitaire seems to pass the time really easily. Feeling sleepy. It's obvious why. Aside from poor sleep patterns, the lack of food I've eaten in the past few days have really drained my energy. I hope I won't binge eat on my meal plan food though. O.O Portions still matter.

2:45 p.m. Having second thoughts and not in the way I expected. Watching just Aaliyah and Harmony is fine, but it JUST occurred to me that when it comes time for Maranda and DJ to return with their kids, I will likely be backed into a corner of watching FOUR children, which is not ideal for me.

THUS it puts a pressure on me that I niether took into consideration before this deal and did not think of until now. It's going to be real easy to take advantage of me, i.e. she wants a long smoke, to go out for a drive, sleep in most of the day, or what have you. And I'm not the argumentive type. Yes, it's real easy to come to the conclusion that I ought to say no, but saying no starts this whole guilt-tripped confrontation on me and I just don't need any of that in my life. -_-

I don't know what I'm going to do. It's not Jen's fault that I can get backed into that corner.

SOO Jen just called and I addressed my concerns, of course her response was that I just do what was said above, say no and refuse. If they try to force me into it, just tell the kids I will be back and walk out the door.

I normally hate to worry but am feeling genuinely worried and feeling the inevitable of being backed into a corner and taken advantage of. I do not have the backbone my sister has to stand up and say something when I have to, to stand my ground. Not only because I made this deal, but tossing Maranda and DJ with the kids into the mix will make the pressure crushing on me.

Two kids are fine. I love watching Aaliyah and Harmony, and that's what I thought I was agreeing to at the time without thinking about this. Throwing two babies into the mix on top of that responsibility, which let's be realistic, will inevitably fall on me is far too much. I don't know how I'm going to get through three whole months of that. :( Not feeling great.

Kinda dreading my decision here. I can only see myself being backed into a corner and if I bring any of this up to April and Rob, as my friends they will want to defend me fiercely, because they care, but inside I will be wishing I didn't bring anyone into it because for all my 'lack of standing up to people' I cannot stand stirring up a confrontation..especially at the thought of getting my friends mixed up in my family drama. My family can get judged pretty easily, with them being on the outside looking in on what I'm put through in situations.

Will have to take my depression pills here soon as I'm just feeling an oncoming of foreboding for myself in regards to stress, pressure, being backed into a corner, taken advantage of, forced into situations I didn't ask for. P.S. My brother is the last person on earth I expect to take no for an answer, if he is not given what he's asked he will push, push, push, sway with false promises even (at least with me), and push again until he gets what he wants, especially with me.

He's not gonna simply let me 'walk out the door' and be done with it. He'll block the door until I say yes if necessary.

I don't know where all three of us get our stubbornness from, I take a lot of mine towards April and not my own family, but my siblings are very firm, determined, and stubborn, much more so than I can be at least when it comes to my family...which is a whole lot of stubborn and determined. -_-

Part of me wants to be let to go home and then refuse to come back, but I know all that is gonna do is cause a rift with my sister which I will have to be guilted my way out of. Like I said, not her fault that this can fall on me, at the same time I am unable to just leave her stranded without someone to watch her kids, when I agreed I would.

See the conundrum here?

If I don't, I'm breaking our deal and leaving her stranded, also likely causing a rift between us. Also, she may refuse to pay me for the time I WAS here and she WOULD do that, mind you.

If I do, I'm making myself vulnerable to be pushed into watching four children (including two babies) for the next three months because I may not have a choice. People assume I will, but I won't.

I've really dug myself into a hole here.

Also, my twenty-four hour fast is over with and I can eat now. My stomach is not even hurting. Then again, I did have quite a nap a while ago.

By the way, past all this kerfuffle, Mom and Maranda dropped by for something DJ needed like an hour ago. She said she'll be here later tonight so hopefully there will be room for me to come along. Still worried, and as much as I want this to be a family-only matter, I don't think I will be able to hide my unhappiness from Rob and April and will ultimately have to fess up about what's going on.

Like I said, I made an agreement with Jen and I can't just leave her stranded, irregardless of the situation.

3:38 p.m. I had my meal plan food (veggies, brown rice, beans, lentiles, and very little white rice) with iceberg lettuce, light mozzerella, and hot sauce. Followed by half a stick of celery, which I think went bad so I didn't finish it and about a teaspoon and a half of the peanut butter. Feeling nice and full. :) Of course, had it all with a side of water.

Took my anti-depressant as well because although finally eating something should have left me happier, I felt a dark cloud over my head. My bowels don't exactly agree with the pill, to put it that way, so that may issue be expected but I did what needed to be done. Not inclined to mix a multivitamin with it so I will wait a good amount of hours before eating one.

I have to wonder how long pop tarts take to digest considering I waited a full twenty-four hours before eating again after having them. O.O Should google that at some point.On another note, I need to dry my laundry. It won't be hard to gather my stuff together but I will have to wait until towards evening as I have to inspect everything and can't just leave food SITTING out.

4:24 p.m. Regarding my new debt, I THOUGHT my hospital debts expired but no, they were sold to creditors and amount to 1100 dollars. HOWEVER, they are willing to accept less. If I make two payments of 165 dollars after September 24, the debt will be considered satisfied. So instead of student loans, I would like to consider taking on the hard work of satisfying THIS debt because it seems doable IF Jen will pay me 130 per month as promised. If I make 224 dollars BY September 24th, I can pay that and the debt will be satisfied and no longer on my shoulders. That I will have to discuss with Jen.

There's no guarantee that my credit will improve because of it but as long as the debt gets paid and cleared, at least this one, it won't follow me around.

EDIT: I wound up getting my stuff packed and Jen left, stressed, for Mom's. Obviously, because she didn't want to drive. Since she had to drive to Mom's house, I'm very doubtful about going home on Sunday considering gas money cannot be spared.

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Positivety and Lack of Courage

8:54 a.m. I didn't sleep well. I slept okay, but not very well. I had Skyla and that cuddly kitty in bed with me. Skyla often tried to run her off the bed and I tried to stop her. Speaking of the cat, I finally gave her some food she would eat so that made me feel more relieved. Still wish there was a litter box and she refuses to go outside.

I had a small apple, got my morning exercise done, which made me feel good, then took my multivitamin and a shower. Still looking to cross that one month mark of living a healthy lifestyle. I thought I was going to take a nap but I kinda like sitting in bed this morning and watching those real life crime-solving shows. lol. Also, I am very pleased with how well my body has changed in such a short time and whatever parts I am needlessly still insecure about myself, I constantly remind myself that it's only been over three and a half weeks and am thankful for the progress so far.

Loving God is good. Just a random note.

I want to stay positive about my body, myself, on every step of this journey. Whatever positive I have to look at is worth it. Again, aside from the hot sauce, for the most part I think I am eating healthy. So far have given up soda, chips (including my favorite white cheddar popcorn and jalepeno cheetos), candy, chocolate, and other sugary desserts. A LOT of processed food and frozen food woth preservatives are out. I seldom drink juice and when I do, it's not much at all. Those things would only stall or reverse this process. I still find a whole foods lifestyle to be idyllic, when I can afford it one day.

My tastes have changed. 'Artificial' food can be chewed but I tend to spit it back out after the first bite. Like I tried with ramen, and it just wasn't something natural going in my body. I generally would, ideally, like to avoid foods I think are artificially created, like not found in nature but completely made up in a lab somewhere. Although, I cannot seem to avoid foods with refined or bleached flour since I'm not living on my own, but I think if I LIMIT my intake of those, it should be fine.

NO more tacos, though. That did not bode well on my stomach last time. O.O As for meat, I am cool with white meat in portions and moderation but would prefer to limit or avoid red meat.

My diet MAINLY consists of the rice, beans, fruits, green vegetables, a little peanut butter made at home from real peanuts, and SMALL amounts of chicken. Also, of course, water and the occassional cardio. Anywhere from 15-20 minutes to an hour of cardio a few times a week. I'll have to up my fitness game here soon, lol.

I already made a list of benchmarks I would like to hit, that is if you call benchmarks my challenge to keep this going as long as I can until it's a full on lifestyle change.

1. One week mark. DONE.
2. Three week mark. DONE.
3. Four week mark. (Two Days from now. August 27, 2016)
4. 66th Day mark (What science says is how long it takes to form a habit) October 3, 2016
5. Fit by my 28th birthday, November 28, 2016. No cake this time. XD (119 day mark)
6. Continuing my list of benchmarks up to, but not limited to, the thirty week mark. 9 months. Like a pregnancy. XD
7. One year mark. July 30, 2017.

NEW BODY AND LIFESTYLE CHANGE!! One hopes.... :)

So far I have not taken an official 'before' picture as I didn't want to do the same thing I did last time and take a picture every day. HOWEVER, it might not be too late. I have been thinking to at least take one every month mark instead of every day. I am that curious about the change. :D

9:35 a.m. Spent time adding up the days and whatnot, it took a while but I feel it may be accurate. :D I'm not so concerned about what size I would be, or weight in terms of a number. Although, I am curious. I kinda gave up being concerned about sizes when I didn't become a size 11/12 in the first three weeks. I DID however, drop at least a size, which is progress, to about a size 13/14, not to mention about an inch off my waist, which doesn't sound like much but I earned it, haha.

As for the weight number, like anyone I have an ideal. The maximum healthy weight according to government for my age and height is 150 pounds BUT I am in the normal range apparently for body fat percentage despite being far off the weight mark (196 pounds almost a week ago). I'm around 27 percent body fat according to the online calculations (which is considered in the acceptable range) and I'm very happy about that. It's important to focus on God and health. :D I didn't want to say just health is important because God is too, moreso even. Thanking God for this progress, in Jesus name, amen!

Even if I don't LOOK perfectly healthy on the outside, I feel confident I'm a LOT healthier on the inside than I used to be. Diet wise, anyway. Sleep has been a very real issue, of course, not to mention the occassional stress I've been trying to deflect lately. Sometimes those end up going hand in hand. O.O Speaking of sleep, feeling a little sleepy so closing the entry for now. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Good bye folks!!

3:17 p.m. Just woke up from my nap. I think we can scrap some of what I said about artificial foods, about never ever eating them again. I just did. O.O I woke up with a serious craving for pop tarts, soooo I ate a couple 'SMORE' pop tarts. I can say it's just one my cheat meal for the week, if it were technically considered a meal. In the past weeks, my cheat meals were that taco, a frozen chicken patty...or two in the span of the week, and that mashed potato chicken thing Rob made that I remember.

I will make this new point, it's okay to let yourself have something like that maybe once a week, a cheat meal, as it makes the diet change feel a lot less restrictive and I am probably more likely to stick with it in the long run (and not binge out on junk food at some point.) I think the big side effect is I end up REALLY remembering what my cheat meals were in the struggle to fight off the guilt of eating it. O.O Is being 85-90% healthy okay? XD

Won't be eating stuff like that every day, you know. :P Downed it with water. Seems a little more justified now. I also have yet it figure it out how but Pop Tarts can make me feel REALLY full. I think though, if I'm being tempted to go for more food, I'll just drink more water to avoid a calorie binge. Anyway, I'm kinda doubting I'll like what's on the nutrition label so I'm avoiding reading it.

Remember, pre-nap all I ate today was a small apple. So I haven't really maxed out my entire calorie intake for today by eating it, I don't think. Dinner isn't for another few hours and if I need a small healthy WHOLE FOOD snack a couple hours later, I'll take that opportunity. :) Eat smart. Eat healthy. Don't be your own prison guard about food. Also, as always love God and He should go first, thank you Lord, in Jesus Name, Amen!

Glad I managed to get some rest and will now be up to keep my eye on Aaliyah until Jen comes home tonight. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! In Jesus name, amen! P.S. The week here has been going smooth. Still not overcome by homesickness yet. There is a CHANCE I could go home Sunday (Today is Thursday), but I'm mentally preparing myself in case that is not possible. We don't need another meltdown, after all. :)

3:41 p.m. So I called Rob to ask if April was there, so she could handle some Secondlife customer service issues for me (to see if there are any, so to speak), but she is not home at the moment. Rick has been working late nights so that's a thing.

I mentioned to Rob that my sister may not be paying me this month, but double next month, which he thinks is kinda shady. He said I should ask for a deposit, a good faith payment, but I don't think she would go for it. She cannot spare it if the money isn't there, anyway. Not that I could demand anything of her, I'm not like her. He wanted to see if I needed to get him involved, which I politely declined. I don't really like to 'muddle' family business by including my friend's in such business. I just more brought it up because it was news we were concerned about before I left. So we will see what happens in this month, or the next two months. God will provide.

Admittedly, I don't have the steel backbone of my brother and sister. Even on my most stubborn day, I am not as headstrong as either of them. So 'standing up to my sister about it' is not really a thing I want to do, like she or my brother would in my shoes. If they want something, they tend to really demand it in order to get it and I'm just not on that par. I am the meek, lesser one here. I'm okay with that.

Like I said, being over here so far is not as horrible as I worried about before leaving, haha. Sleeping is uncomfortable though but thankfully, hopefully, I will get a break and be able to come home to my own bed.

I forgot to mention my decision about the loan money thing, it came to mind, I mean, but it never came out.

I talked about how I'm doing fine, and the lack of dishes because one day the sink was full and Maranda did not want to wash them...so she threw out nearly all the dishes in the house, including almost all of the silverware.

I asked Rob if I could bring some back next time I come over but he said to talk to April. I also forgot to mention the cuddly kitty, lol. She's on the level if cuddly like three 'Garbanzos' in one! :D I've always wanted a cat to be so affectionate with me, so there's one of many silver linings, eh?

Rob said to at least insist I can come home every couple of weeks to handle my Secondlife stuff, since I am technically still running a business there that is making REAL money for my bank account. I still don't know how many lindens are on it besides the 2700something when I left (ten dollars worth) so I will be excited to see what I made in a week, or two weeks, without doing ANYTHING on Secondlife, lol. I hope I smile.

Every 5000 lindens I make, that's fifteen dollars. I already have six dollars not cashed out. So basically whatever I make while I'm gone, I subtract three dollars (because of the three dollar cashing out fee) and that's how much I get to cash out. So far, before I left, I'm at least guarenteed thirteen dollars after fees. :D Doesn't sound like much to most people but it's not nothing to me.

BUT if I can't be home to handle customer service issues, my SL business may tank into a bad reputation. Not to mention, there is that group gift giver script that keeps glitching out and not working and someone has to be there to replace it. Might get April to handle that, too.

6:28 p.m. Aaliyah got to play in the water hose, and I also made her a music playlist on iTunes, which she enjoyed. She danced to it by making videos on my iPod's along to the music. I've been SERIOUSLY considering getting her a Kindle Fire for her birthday upcoming birthday.

8:32 p.m. Jen is home. Aaliyah and I chilled and watched a bunch of videos and then she took a bath. I helped Jen take out the trash and got garbage juice on me. :/ Had to rinse it off.

9:14 p.m. Watched videos with Harmony and now it's their bedtime.

10:28 p.m. SO!! I can't sleep. I AM excited however as tonight Jen revealed the new babysitting agenda for the rest of this week. Tomorrow, which is Friday, I will watch Aaliyah. Saturday we go to Mom's house and the kids are getting picked up so I get to spend the weekend with Mom (not to mention getting the occasional wifi and learn once and for all how many lindens were earned while I've been gone this week) and on Sunday is Malania's birthday party. We will then decide on Sunday whether or not me coming home on Sunday is a feasible option. Fingers crossed. I'll try to keep calm if it's a no but will be uber excited if it's a yes.

When I go home, hopefully for a whole week, I can withdraw my lindens and begin the cashout process. It takes two days for SL to send money to my Paypal and takes a few days for Paypal to send that money to the bank so if I want my own pocket change here, I will need the week to do it (and have time to make sure I see when the funds have landed in my bank account) SO excited! It is nice to get paid for something you genuinely enjoy, I would just like to get back into creating on the regular again after all this is done.

Still contemplating that Kindle idea. I'll just have to see how much it costs and whatnot. Last I looked, I didn't think it was too expensive.

11:19 p.m. I'm thinking I will sleep in the living room tonight as the air feels less stiff and cloistered. The cat was brought inside and Skyla of course, followed her everywhere.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

No Money, Mo' Problems!~

RETRACTION REQUIRED. SOME DAYS AFTER WRITING THIS ANGRY POST, APRIL REALLY CAME THROUGH FROM ME AND I'M GRATEFUL TO HER. SO I APOLOGIZE. STILL LEAVING IT HERE AS A REMINDER OF MY OWN OCCASIONAL IRRATIONALITY AND MISJUDGEMENT. END RETRACTION.

9:40 a.m. I have to start off my free morning with a rant, unfortunately, because while I should be resting, the same stuff is on my mind regarding this whole loan forgiveness thing. I'm sorry for all the unpleasantness I'm about to say below, but I'm unnecessarily angry and just need to write it down, if only to help the restlessness.

If April herself is reading this, at least read past the rant because I am covering what I'm accountable for here and DO have nice things to say about you, too:

First off, all I can think is this loan thing should have been my affair, between me, God, and this whole deal. But for no reason, my business became the household's business. If I had never gotten anyone else involved, and did this quietly, I think there would be a lot more peace with the situation.

The only reason I really opened my mouth was to announce that I wanted to come up with a way to do this and decided to go to my sister's house. Then April got in on it and the whole dam broke loose.

I was feeling confident, prayed about it, trusting God, and worry free. Then comes April with her paranoia, panic, and worry driving her own ambitions for what she expects me to do. I felt pretty much dragged, kicking and screaming, into a situation I didn't want to go through. She was convinced my identity was about to be stolen and told me to go through all the procedures the next day pertaining to it. I was not convinced.

I believed the place I called to be legit, still do. She told me to do my research, and I did. But it was NEVER about convincing me; proving to myself this was legitimate, which it all the more seems now. She wanted me to convince HER in order for it to matter and she wasn't going to be convinced.

I keep thinking about how I was not allowed to think for myself in the situation. She was making all the decisions for me that she felt needed to be made, because she ALWAYS has to be right. And when she thinks she's right, you have to act according to what she thinks is correct. If you do not let her be right, she will argue and frustrate and guilt you until you give her her way.

I crumble easily under pressure to begin with.

I'm so tried of the chocolate being in my peanut butter. I'm not 'allowed' to handle my own problems because she doesn't trust me to do so. Her way or the highway or she throws a fit until you're guilted into giving in.

This loan business had absolutely positively nothing to do with her in any way whatsoever but she had to take the reigns and drag me through a bunch of stuff I didn't want to go through WHICH brings me back to my previous post, about feeling like the worries and fears of hers keep coming up to stop me, by any means necessary, from pursuing my ambitions. I had to claw tooth and nail just to get to try to become vegetarian (which she eventually relented on and by all means, thankfully, helped with her own money) and she worried when I went to sign up for Google Adsense because SHE never heard of it and of course, rejects the unfamiliar. She rejected job.amazon.com because the word 'job' came first in the url and therefore made it an illegitimate site without seeking any evidence.

In any given situation, her worries, paranoias, and skepticisms drive what she will/will not permit me to have/do in the house.

And so WHAT if it's googled? It's VERY easy to look up articles that ONLY pertain to your point and discard any ones you find that don't along the way. It's biased and means nothing.

The SBI loan forgiveness program is not directly affiliated with this loan company, (why would they be affiliated with or endorse a company who wants to cancel their debts so payments to them stop?), so to her it was deemed a scam.

Dozens of testimonials (including one with a picture of the official letter of a womans loan forgiveness) were automatically ruled fake, without seeing them or any proof and thus only made her think it was a scam. And all the pages saying it worked were called fakes, again without seeing them. So her judgement also was because of that.

In short, if she doesn't trust it, I am strictly forboden any association with it or I will not hear the end of it. I was not permitted to even think or act for myself in my own affairs unless it came to the conclusion of her opinion, which had no place for her involvement to begin with, because she can't trust me to do it. She has to always be right, and if she is right all else to the contrary is wrong. She has to take the reigns. It MUST go her way. -_-

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Now we come to the second half of my restlessness. After the situation was over, I was kinda left with a pit in my stomach. Yes, I wanted to believe it but the longer I gave it thought, the more this felt like a missed opportunity. A really BIG missed opportunity. Because I just wanted it to be over and at the time, accept what they were saying and be done, I agreed to be done with the SBI loan forgiveness company.

But by now, in my heart, I am deeply regretting those words.

Here I am, babysitting for months for what was supposed to be this program that I am strictly forbidden to be associated with and it was my own fault for saying it. The whole babysitting thing was arranged while this was my still business to handle, not someone else's.

Now I'm starting to think I should wait before I start paying, like cut off all association with loans/loan forgiveness etc. until I'm in a situation where I am allowed to think and act for myself, without my important life choices (or even mistakes which are supposed to teach me on my life journey) being put up for debate before going through with them.

I love my friends, I do. And without them, I would feel completely alone.

I know it can seem easy to take one problem in any kind of relationship and make it seem like that's all there is to this person, but that is certainly not the case. I love April, she has a lot of good and redeeming qualities and I genuinely admire her as a person and a friend.

Our personalities just tend to clash, hard. We are great friends but two very, very different people.

After reading all those paragraphs above, one might argue "If that's so big of a problem, why don't you just move out?!"

And the answer is simply that I don't want to be alone.

I'll take this over the alternatives any day and twice on Sunday. To have to move back into an extremely impoverished house and spend my life only babysitting for free, sitting around, no internet, ALONE (except for the kids) and stressed all the time, doing nothing productive to advance towards my goals at all, is the last thing I want.

My roommates do care about me. They talk to me and are concerned for me and my well being.

Granted there is a such thing as being overbearing and over-protected as I feel sometimes but this place is what's best for me...the biggest reasons being that I have someone to talk to, earning a little money independently IS possible, and I have more freedoms.

YES, I USED THE WORD FREEDOMS. For all the restrictions I wish there weren't there, that sometimes even feel suffocating, there are the freedoms I am glad to have that I probably wouldn't have otherwise. Like the very long walks, of course the internet, blogging, secondlife, what I can eat, pets, alone time, etc.

I'm not sure what to say. It's LIKE having Independence and NOT having Independence at the same time, which can be frustrating.

I don't end up mentioning Rob in this because he's very easy going, which isn't an issue. It's more of the power April has over the decisions in the house that she doesn't see.

There is also the other side of the coin. While I was not for the security protocol thing which I was very stubborn and frustrated her through, her heart was was that she did it because she loves me and genuinely cares about me, is looking out for me and trying to protect me. And that part, at least, was very understandable and is worth noting and appreciating.

Ultimately, we are always going to butt heads over her authority and my resistance of it.

Is it so much to ask to let me be an adult, to not overprotect me in case I make a mistake, instead of just letting me take the risk and try to succeed?? And if it is a mistake, let me learn from it. It's part of growing up. A lot of success can come out of taking chances and leaps of faith, which she is not a fan of letting me risk doing because she is driven by her worries, and I keep feeling like I am missing out.

Sigh.

I still haven't exactly figured out what I should do but the favorite plan is to go ahead and earn this money, and pay my loans sometime down the road when there is less of a grip from someone else on my choices, where I can be a FULLY independent thinker and action taker in my adult life.

With all my heart and strength, I just want to call up the SBI loan forgiveness program and take their deal, but I can't now because I said I wouldn't (when I wanted to just agree to their debates and let it be over.) If I did it after saying I wouldn't, it would not only make me a liar but if I did it AND in secret, it would look like I was just trying to go behind their backs and it would blow things even more out of proportion. Worse case scenario, I couldn't be trusted anymore and get kicked out AND lose my only friends over this.

So yeah, they can at least be rest assured that I won't be dealing with them again, and for what they have in relief, I hold in regret that I couldn't.

So in between repeating all this in my head and keeping my tired body awake, I kept thinking that if I just trusted God, none of this argument would matter and He would make a way for me and my debts CAN still be forgiven anyway, if I just give this problem over to Him. Pray about it. His answers are always Yes and Amen after all for those who believe and follow Him. So that's what I want to do. I'm gonna try to stop worrying about the money and loans, just as I did before the day I made that call to SBI loan forgiveness, and leave it to the Lord. THAT can give me relief.

I need to get into a Church at some point. Apparently, I'm feeling that will help too. I do feel better and hope it stays that way.

Like I said, you may have to pardon the ranting because it is just a lot of unnecessary anger, the things I thought of saying aloud but never bore the courage to do so, so it's all bottled and broken out here. I just needed it out of my head, and I always seem to find the peaceful solutions to come to my heart when I just write them out.

The blog is sort of like 'a letter to God' thing. He doesn't mind hearing the frustrations but they need to be repented, too. Hehe. I do.  I want to try to sleep now. Five hours until Aaliyah comes home. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!!

P.S. For those who are skeptical about the usefulness of prayer, I am aware prayer requires both faith AND action! It is easy to pray but ACTIVE action must be taken and through faith God meets the needs for those actions, and that is how prayers come true.

3:03 p.m. Finally managed to fall asleep and woke up around 2:40 p.m. Feeling better and gonna make me some lunch here soon. That line has so many grammatical errors yet it's spoken in my native language, too hahah.

Part of me wants to work on the Dream Doctor at SOME point BUT I already have a version being edited at home and it's like do I really want to delete most of the book and add this edited version? I don't know, maybe. I also brought my sketchbook but have yet to use it either. Oh, and Aaliyah should be home shortly. This was exactly how I wanted to spend my free morning/afternoon: sleeping. And I got it!

Oh! and there's this black and white cat Binx and he is basically giving me all the kitty cuddles. I let him in, and tried to feed/water him but he wont do ti so I am worried, just always meowing unless I'm letting him cuddle and purr on me. We have too many cats as it is, so April would never allow this one to come in, not to mention it would cause Binx some harm. He's not much of a fighter, even with Skyla chasing her. Barely hisses loud. Very scaredy. Hissy and Carlo would definetely not stand for it.

Binx is making up for all the kitty cuddles I'm missing out on at home, though. Although it can't replace the moments Banzo or Jelly decides to sleep on my lap. I more have Skyla for that, who doesn't want to be in a room I'm not in...usually.

3:21 p.m. I was a bit worried about my calorie intake, or lack thereof. At breakfast I ate one small apple and didn't eat again until just now. Even then I wasn't wildly ravenous, probably because I had just woken up. White bread is the only option for sandwiches, so I took it with a pinch of shredded mozzerella, Reds hot sauce, spinach and iceberg lettuce, and some romaine...one of the pieces I could salvage from it. Most of it went REALLY bad so I had to toss it. The other veggies aside from an unsliced cucumber, are in ziploc bags. I'm NOT on a high calorie diet anyway, in the sense that I just don't get enough calories as it is now and don't imagine I will for the next coming weeks.

Tasted good though, I feel nice and full. I noticed the healthier a food is, the slower you eat automatically eat it, allowing proper time for you to get full. One of my favorite things about eating healthy, although I will say if I had to choose what is remotely unhealthy in my main diet right now would be the hot sauce, which I eat with my meals on a DAILY basis. Granted I don't smother it like a thick ranch dressing, but I usually consume 5-6 tablespoons maybe per DAY. That's a lot of hot sauce in my stomach. Again, eventually planning on switching back to a cayenne powder based homemade dressing but that can wait until I'm home again...if the vinegar is there when I get home.

Also, the cat ate a little of my mozzerella which made me feel better seeing it eat SOMETHING. I was worried it was starving itself to death.

Also, I'm excited to imagine how many lindens I will have made even while not being active on Secondlife at all while away. When I left, it was at 2700ish, which was near ten dollars worth and I usually make a nice amount in a week so fingers crossed. :D That's my fun money hehe.

Even after sleeping on it, I decided with the 'once' loan money to just hang onto it for any basic needs. The loans can be handled, God willing, at a time where it will be my own business to deal with the matter. It's a lot less stress that way and even less of a reminder of all this frustration that happened last week. So yeah...I just want to go back to not thinking about it like before. Trusting God to handle it in whatever way He sends.

I think it clears if I drop dead anyway so what REALLY is there to worry about besides my credit, which is already tanked? If I end up marrying the right guy, I don't imagine credit would be something I'd have to worry about, haha. Oi vey.

3:36 p.m. I called Grandpa but its not a recognized number, the number called back but there was no answer. Ah well. If he wonders why he hasnt heard from me, there's something to tell him.

Aaliyah is home, dressed, and playing on my iPod. She also did her daily reading.

3:41 p.m. I miss the internet. O.O I also write 'also' a lot hahah. I have absolutely no connection to any kind of internet whatsoever, for the record and the coming weeks are 'expected' to be just like that.

7:26 p.m. The eating has gotten better. I had grapes for a snack later and just now had my meal plan rice and beans dish with lettuce, and of course, hot sauce. I feel like I've eaten every couple of hours so it's not bad. Aaliyah had her dinner and at the moment, we are just chilling out in Jen's room while she picks what she wants to watch.

Speaking of which, I can't wait until she comes home!! It's been relaxed so I can say the first few days here have been more pleasant and okay than expected. Not too homesick..yet. I hope that it doesn't change.

8:00 p.m. Got a bunch of videos of Aaliyah's increasingly better dance moves on my computer. :D Also, It's Aaliyah's bath time and then at nine, she goes to bed! Yay! Also called Grandpa earlier and said hi. ^__^

8:09 p.m. Jen is home, Harmony is at a friend's house and I am officially off duty! Praise Jesus!! :D Another day through. :)

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Getting Into A Routine

8:17 a.m. For for the first time in a while, I woke up at a decent hour and went to bed at a decent hour. Today is my day to relax also, since Jen is home and watching Harmony, and Aaliyah is at school. I started my morning by taking Skyla out, ate a couple mini apples, 20 minute walk at 7:25 a.m., and light stretching afterward. Bonus? I think my excessive bloating from yesterday went down. So that is a confidence booster. Can't wait to get over this one month hump.

I've already come over some obstacles so far. Such as not letting the numbers that come from weighing and measuring myself cause me to quit, instead only to motivate me more on why I need to keep going. Obstacles such as junk food opportunities and skipping huge portion sizes. The temptation of soda (Although I had a LITTLE bit of apple juice yesterday) but I mainly stay away from juice drinks. Another one being tempted to let the bloat make me think this isn't working and just give up now, and wonder why I even bother.

My schedule: I got the kids today, Aaliyah for the next three days, then both on Saturday. Sunday is Lani's birthday party (another obstacle, who can resist cake? I'll have to!) Thankfully, my family generally believes in veggie platters at parties even though there is also sugar and junk food...hopefully there will be a veggie platter. O.O Harmony is asleep and Jen just left, so until Harmony wakes up it's mostly going to be a cool, calm, quiet day.

Oh, and as for a lack of air conditioning! There are window units and a working ceiling fan, so that's tolerable. I might just go nap in Jen's room with Harmony here shortly though. Still feeling a little sleepy.

Which brings me to bring up another obstacle to overcome: Bored eating. I was easily occupied with Netflix, fitness, God, and the internet to avoid eating when you're bored and doing nothing at all. Sooo..this is a thing. I can rest and let my body do what it's supposed to do. :) That's all for now.

Trying to focus on eating an appropriate number of meals a day, since before this I feel like I was eating every one or two hours, or when I was just bored. Changes are coming. Fit by age 28, which happens to be what we call in my family the GOLDEN birthday, when the year is the same number as the day. My birthday is November 28 and then I will TURN 28 years old. I really want to get in my best shape by then, not perfect, just my best that I've probably seen in a long time. I think that would be a nice gift to myself. :P I'd really like a working bicycle at some point, too though. Thank God for what we have, in Jesus Name, amen! Until later....see ya!

10:32 a.m. Harmony just woke up and I'm giving her breakfast. I didn't fall into any REM sleep in the past two hours but I would say I got a little extra rest. :) Perhaps after she's done, I can stick some cartoons on for her or something. :)

3:02 p.m. I've just been hanging out with Harmony today, lot of cartoons followed by her lunch, more tv/videos, and a snack. I just like to chill. I've been really drowsy but pushing through it. I mostly just rest my eyes a lot...in the same room as the kids of course. No REM sleep or anything. Aaliyah should be home shortly so I'll have double the babysitting until tonight. Pray for me, in Jesus name, amen! God is able! P.S. Have I mentioned enough that there is NO internet access whatsoever? There isn't. I won't see internet until I go home, I think.

At least I'll have the afternoon to myself for the next three days, at least until Aaliyah gets home everyday. Plenty of time to really sleep or do what I want, lol.

Saw Jack take his dog out today, kinda sad how much they drifted from our lives. We used to see them so often but I haven't been over there since the Christmas before Jackie passed away.

P.S. Aaliyah is home! Time to instruct her on the routine her mother established for her. She also wants to play in the water hose today so I might let her and Harmony do that for a bit, later. I'll have to help her make her bed today though as Harmony and I messed it up. >.> Also, Skyla still insists on being in the same room as I am at all times unless she's outside, haha.

Got bored and read one of Aaliyah's The Suite Life of Zack and Cody book, seeing their Mom now in it just reminds me of Sherrif Jody Mills, the cop from Supernatural, played by the same woman, haha.

5:43 p.m. Aaliyah did her reading, Harmony watched sesame street and I played with her on the camera. The kids spent a half hour playing outside in the water hose (I caught it on video) until it rained, then they got to play a few minutes in the rain, and another half hour in the bath, then tv and a little hide and seek. Winding down now. They are going to eat dinner soon. The sooner it gets to bedtime, the better.

8:27 p.m. Jen is finally home with groceries for the kids, and I hope that means that I'm going off duty. Aaliyah danced for my iPod and I played more hide and seek with Harmony. I am happy the day is over. Oh, and like half the power in the house went out. I am hoping to sleep somewhere where there is still air, i.e. the living room unless the problem is fixed.

8:31 p.m. So Jen just informed me I likely won't get paid until the second month. Not surprising, but not overjoyed about that. Not sure what to say to that, it would be easy to turn down when not in person, not so much when I am already here. >.> idk not gonna get April and Rob involved because that would start a whole kerfuffle of trouble.

Monday, August 22, 2016

Roughing It

1:56 p.m. I made the mistake of sleeping too early again, and waking up at early morning hours. Thus I was up until around 6 a.m. and took brief power naps all the way up until 10ish when Jen said she was already on her way. I had to rush to gather the fridge stuff together and even though she said shed be twenty minutes, she arrived in more like five or less than ten.

She was left waiting a few minutes as I rushed and it wasn't until we were already on the road that I realized I forgot my glasses!!! So I am going to be without those for a bit.

Skyla was happy to see me at least, over-thrilled was more like it. Jen went over the kid's schedule with me before she left and it's been Harmony and I since I got here. Jen already left and won't be back until later tonight. Watching videos and painting on the iPod. Aaliyah is still at school and I think she'll be happy to see me when she comes home. She doesn't know I'm here today.

There is a cat meowing outside, not ours. Makes me already miss the kitties at home. Harmony got fed her lunch and I ate my 'meal plan' so now we are just chilling out.

I want to do my best to not let stress get to me but we know how I am. Just hope I can last this and get my bills paid, never to think about them again....ever. Ever.

3:04 p.m. Fed the cat a leftover tuna sandwich and Harmony and I played outside with Skyla in the water hose. We just changed. I, somehow, gained weight like a lot. I thought this 'eating healthy' was supposed to work. O.o I had to squeeze into my shorts. It's only been a few days since I last exercised. Could be stress, idk but I bloated quick this week and hopefully can bounce back. O.O

5:38 p.m. Aaliyah has been home and it is going as one can expect with a eight year old and three year old. Ultimately, I'm just trying to keep calm, which is a good thing. P.S. Skyla refuses to be in a room that doesn't have me in it, lol.

6:23 p.m. Watched some videos I downloaded from my computer last night since we don't have internet. The kids are eating dinner. Their bath is at eight and bed at nine. Then, and I know this is gonna rhyme, the night is MINE!! Jen should be home sometime around their bedtime. We have two more hours to kill. Still hoping my body drops some bloat or extra fat it gained while I'm away. It's not like I have the option of pigging out or something.

8:40 p.m. The kids got to watch some Sesame Street and other videos on the Netbook while I took a few minutes for 'me' time. Aside from having trouble getting Aaliyah to do her daily reading like she was supposed to, BUT she eventually did while I got Harmony bathed and put to sleep, the night has gone okay. Now Aaliyah has bathed and it's her bed time, if only she could find a blanket. O.O I don't live here so I have no cloue where she can get one. Hopefully she isn't stalling her bedtime, kinda doubt it. Yeah.

Update: She'll just share it with Harmony.

Today went okay. If all of them go as okay as today I'm hoping I won't do too bad here.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Conflicted Christian Post

I feel like when I'm writing about my current relationship with God, the answers come a lot easier. I'm really feeling like writing out all these reasons why I'm not the perfect Christian and things about God I feel guilty for not understanding what to do.

Especially with things that are obvious for a Christian but I'm just not wrapping my brain around. The things I know I'm clinging on to that I shouldn't be.

  • What does it really mean to give it all up for God? What does giving up everything you have and all your comforts really entail? I know it's probably the devil but every time I come across that commandment, I feel the doubt in my heart that I could do that, then feel shame before the Lord for not having done it yet.
I feel an answer already, that He has not given me the spirit of doubt and shame.

Then there's the long list of things I cling to in my life that I know God disapproves of.
  • Secondlife
  • Supernatural 
  • Seeking money
  • Seeking attention for my Secondlife stuff.
  • Bringing up past wrongs.
  • Those awful things I say when talking about politics.
  • Agreeing and openly approving of bad things.
  • Putting off reading my Bible for most of this stuff.
  • Those horrific pornographic and all around abominable nightmares I get.
  • Profanity.
  • Anger.
  • Obsessing over how my body looks and picking out pieces of it in the mirror.
  • Keeping people who often want to keep me from God's purpose for my life, because otherwise I would have no friends and feel completely alone.
  • Boasting
  • Innappropriate television in general and videos.
  • Unnecessary spending instead of saving/tithing.
  • I don't bother much to memorize scripture and keep it in my heart even though I try to read it every day. I feel like I'm the one Jesus talks about in this such an example that the devil gets to, where he takes the word out after hearing it. A lot.
  • Not going to Church a lot.
  • Choosing wordly stuff over time with Him.
  • The way I treat Donny, my 'he knocks too much' neighbor.
One sin committed is the same as committing them all in the eyes of God, so this is on a very bad level.

God says I have forgiveness of all these things.

Fact of the the matter is I have not let go of them all yet even though I have my eternal life to think about here. I cling to it and it's very unfortunate.

He is with me, always.

I have some nice qualities too, but don't really want to make this post about them for fear I would be boastful. I mean, I know I want to love and forgive everyone and everything, and in turn I can be rest assured God forgives me too.

I try to read my Bible daily, even though I am often not putting it first.

I always hope that when I do get up to them pearly gates, God will let me in. I do believe Jesus is God, Son of God, died on a Cross for forgiveness of my sins, and Rose from the Dead..and that He is Coming back, too. I have forgiveness of my deeds.

That's great and all but how can I get up there if I'm still somehow clinging to bad stuff like this, even if I want dearly to repent and try to? What's repentance without the change of my ways and stopping my love of these things?

Pray He forgives me.

What does it mean when I want something to happen, and am not worried, but a person wants to stop me with all they can because they are worried, and feel like they need to worry on my behalf? Part of me feels like there are recent missed opportunities because someone else's choice to worry (because unlike me, they think it's a necessity in life to do so) stops me from pursuing a goal I had in mind?

Like take the recent student loan forgiveness thing, I was NOT worried. I prayed about it, was ready for that opportunity, and felt it was blessed, but then someone else comes along with the mountain of unnecessary worry/panic and does all they can to stop me from pursuing that course. What do I do then?

May He make a way for me, then.

I shouldn't judge too harshly. I know that God has a set purpose for me and no amount of anyone's worrying will stop that course. 

  • What does it mean to seek Him above all things and can  really do that?
I struggle with that because I am weak.

May He give me strength,

  • Seems like every day I fail at putting God first, even purposefully and knowingly, and even though I know it's not right I do it anyway.
I think God is granting me peace of mind so I'm glad I got this out.

Late Night, Early Morning Thoughts

2:37 a.m. It used to be that I would go to bed and wake at a decent morning hour, then it turned into me staying up too late and sleeping through the afternoon, and LATELY I have been going to bed at a decent hour...I think 8 or 9 ish and waking at 12 - 1 a.m. and unable to fall back asleep.

Holding off on eating at the moment, considering my fear that last night's taco might be taking a long time to digest in my stomach and there's the thought of piling more food on top of it. 

Not to mention I haven't done my walking cardio in two days now, I believe.

I often feel like I can't tell when I'm actually hungry or not, anyway. 

Right now, I'm just in the back bedroom listening to calm music. Before I was watching that old Netflix video with the ocean waves. 

By the way, it's been three weeks since I started trying to eat healthier. I may have missed the mark on a couple meals but overall have been eating okay.

Still cut out a lot of the sugar, (especially candy) chips, the soda, the juices and even last night's tacos had very little red meat. I started adding Siracha which has sugar but feeling like switching it for Cayenne powder to get my spicy fix. I'm out of Red's Hot Sauce. :(

The tortillas were white refined bread though so guilty there. Not sure I want tacos again for a long while. XD

I drink Almond Milk on occasion or water. Lots of water. Switched up to a hard plastic bottle the other week which saved plastic water bottles. 

Jen has given no real word yet on if I'm actually going over there today, next week, or at all.

Honestly, I'm not too impatient about it. Part of me hopes she forgets I asked (if I'll just quit bringing it up) and I can go on with my life. I have an aversion to that trailer. No air conditioning, no internet, and my diet would be even stricter as a large majority of the food there is for dinner, dinner leftovers without telling how old they are, or feeding the young four children who live there.

And a tiny twin bed to sleep on.

It's lonely all day. Nobody talks to me there, much at all...unless they need something from me and I don't connect well with them even when we do talk.

I hope you can see why I wouldn't be excited to spend months there...babysitting which is a trial in itself. The only reason I offered was because I'm desperate for the money, to start paying off student loan debt, which she may not even pay because my siblings are in financial constraints as it is. Sigh.

Love my family, but going there is sacrifice a lot of creature comforts while unsure you'll get the reward you seek in return. :/

Asking seemed like a good idea for the first fifteen minutes, then a pit in my stomach wished I never brought it up to her and would just have opted to stay here, with the comfortable, the peaceful, and the familiar. 

Due to past journals, it's easy to see what being there makes me feel like. I overreact about it, certainly, but I get depressed. My friends equally worry for me for the same reasons because they've seen it.

God forgive me and have mercy on my soul, in Jesus name, amen!

Geez, late night thoughts much? 

Another thing..been thinking about the religious persecution I endured from April for writing Jesus on Rick's birthday card one year. Still not ashamed to this day.

Not the first time someone went out of their way to cover His name or message on a birthday card because of me writing it. Pretty sad. I still pray mercy and all.

Then that time my sister's boyfriend Adrian fat shamed me for weeks, accosting me for taking too much food (half of a plate of food of the smallest size in the cabinet) because he saw me taking more than one small scoop from a pan of hamburger helper after staring with cold judgement in his eyes or eating a sandwich when I hadn't eaten all day (and I went in my room to eat in shame of his eyes in the first place.) then accusing me of eating so much bread that nobody else would be able to have any. or when new food was brought in the house, he would refuse to let me eat any. My Mom said if he kept that up, she'd kick him out. She was/is always the one I felt like who cared.

Thankfully their relationship came to an end and he was gone from my life afterwards. It ended with a hug and he left.

This was years ago, back when I lived in that trailer. It's in my early journals in real time.

It's easy to list all the bad experiences and then let that paint a picture of who he was entirely as a person. I don't think that does. He almost married my sister, even! She saw something there that wasn't horrible, didn't she?

Or maybe he never saw what he did to me. It's an often case where we do evil to others and don't even notice it.

All those memories come back now and then.

I end up praying a lot of mercy there too. I forgive him entirely. I do. :) 

I make a point of forgiving everyone, to please Christ most of all, but it gives me peace of mind. I hope He'll forgive me for bringing it up. It is a sin to bring up past wrongs, so yeah.

Late night thoughts. Still listening to calm music. Amen. God bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saved and I'm not gonna hide it.

3:44 a.m. Ate some apples and grapes and starting my morning with some web surfing and Supernatural. God, too. lol. We really need to go grocery shopping because the fruit is aging a little. I ate plenty of it this week. For the record, we started out with a whole bunch and I'm happy a lot of it got eaten this week instead of just going bad.

Biding my time until sunrise when I can go out walking, finally. It takes me back to that time I snuck out at 5 a.m to do it before the sun was even up, because if my roommates knew they would have stopped me. Hoping to get out of my sleep clothes here shortly and into something more casual. I love feeling and seeing my smaller tummy lol. It may not appear perfect, but it is looking different than it did a few weeks ago.

4:57 a.m. Wrote a post about God, prayer, and sins so I'm glad I got that out. Praise the Lord! This after reading some Christian blogger posts and whatnot.

5:26 a.m. Really not perfect even after the post. Chilling out and watching Supernatural. Still waiting for sunrise for my wonderful morning walk.

Also changed into a tank top and sweatpants, feeling more comfortable.

1:49 p.m. Shortly after, I watched Supernatural a bit and then really went back to sleep.

I was still very slightly waking up when she came in and said I'd have to help with what I want from the farmers market. Can't pay extra for it this week do my choices kinda limited. I asked for my apples and bananas as they are my morning boost.

I like brown rice, beans, and greens (mainly lettuce) the rest of my day. And more fruit. 

Would be very nice to adopt this as my main official diet but I want to throw some white meat or tuna in there now and them.

Not exercising today as it turns out as its my day of rest, religiously. XD Will have to eagerly and excitedly wait until Monday. :)

I feel more in shape than I have in a long time. I don't look buff in the least BUT I've noticeably (to me) drop of some body far in some places.

Also, I KNOW I said I didn't want to weigh myself BUT that kind of info will be needed to determine my BMI, metabolic rate, body fat percentage possibly and all that health stuff.

I can't lost honestly as I haven't weighed myself in a long time. So whatever I weigh, I know it's less/better than I did three weeks ago (without knowing how much that was.) Soo yeah.

My ideal healthy range for my age and height is around 140-150s. My dream weight is 125-130s, like I was ten years ago.

That won't take three weeks. I keep telling myself to be patient and keep going. It's working. Gotta go. We're leaving soon. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!!! Take care. :O

5:04 p.m. We are home and Jen is saying she will be taking me to the trailer tomorrow. Will be internet-free for a while.

5:28 p.m. I got my Secondlife group gifts released early since I may not be here in time to release them on the normal date.

Also I'm 196 pounds, which is odd because I don't look it. I'm definitely definitely LEANER than when I started, like ALL over, and it's easy to tell. I can only assume I've built a little muscle along with dropping some excess fat. Not to mention I feel and move a lot healthier than expected with a weight that high.

According to the body fat calculate for my weight and measurements, I am 27 percent body fat which falls just in the 'average or acceptable' range. It's only been three weeks so not sweating it there. I can only make more progress from here if I stick to it.

6:21 p.m. I had the last of my kidney beans, tofu (which I have gotten used to) and brown rice meal with romaine lettuce and Reds got sauce. Also drinking water.

No more almond milk left and we couldn't afford it this week.

Also, I had a banana before that dinner. Feel good and full, without too much guilt lol. Maybe should sub cayenne powder for hot sauce one day. :)

We are at day 21 and are starting week four tomorrow. There's not much reason I can't stick to it while away if I bring enough of my own food and eat an appropriate amount of meals. 

Ideally I want to hit 30 weeks and see that transformation. I'll only find out if I try, right?

Also, Malania's birthday is next week. That will be another test in itself. Pray for me in Jesus Name, Amen!


Ignoring the size goals as I accept my body is gonna change as it needs to. Thirty weeks to be a new healthier me and in the best shape of my life!  I already got to tear down the 3 week mark post it which made me SO happy!! This doesn't mean I'm only doing it for forfor thirty weeks, I just want to know what I would look like if I make the 30 week effort to change, and from there still continue a lifestyle change.

Right now, I want to make it over a month which is even better because last time that was how long my last attempt at a lifestyle change lasted before I derailed for the the year that followed it.

Here's to pulling the reigns on obesity, and hopefully for good.

God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! In Jesus name, amen! God is able to do above all I ask or think.

6:57 p.m. Yay! Blurb journal updated! :D

8:03 p.m. Page 74 of 198 edited of The Dream Doctor! Woot woot! Praise Jesus. God is good.

11:29 p.m. I got a couple hours of sleep, then got up and made my 'Meal Plan' food. A combo of:
Brown rice
Lentils bean mix (with very little white rice)
Pinto beans
2 boiled boneless chicken breasts (cut up)
Mixed vegetables
Natural seasonings

(I ate a little some for dinner too just now)

For fruit:
Bananas
Apples
Oranges

Other:
Homemade peanut butter
More of the meal plan ingredients (for week two) plus tuna instead of chicken. Uncooked. Also a ziploc bag mixed with natural seasonings.

I PLAN on packing:
Romaine lettuce
Some iceberg lettuce
Reds' hot sauce
Spinach
Celery
Grapes

MAYBE a very light amount of mozzarella.

My plastic water container of course, very small but holds about a gallon of water.

That has to refrigerate though until it comes close to me getting picked up. This is for two weeks worth of food, or to last me longer if something comes up.

As for my other stuff:
iPod and iPod charger
Phone and Phone charger
Netbook and charger
USB
My entire laundry basket of newly clean clothes
Travel sketchbook and pencils
Toiletries
Tennis shoes and sandals
Gallon bag for netbook and electronics

...and that is how a woman packs for two weeks. 

Granted, I am supposed to come home for a few days after those two weeks and go back, but this is good. :D I have to be prepared for all lulls of boredom, don't I?

Something psychological going on, though. Like the moment I learned how much I weigh, I got bloated. I feel squishy. O.O Hopefully, I will bounce back.

1:38 a.m. Edited up to page 93, so I'm almost halfway done.

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