The Aftermath.

5:51 a.m. So yesterday I slept until Mom came home and then complained to her about how hard my day was...and she comforted me. She told me not to make such a big deal out of it, so I'll try not to. Then again, I also went and told Jen the same thing...cause she asked. But at least I got paid, lol. Anyway, I didn't end up going home last night and instead was asked to babysit today after Aaliyah gets home.

Still sore, but Mom gave me some muscle relaxers last night and it took a while for them to kick in. I still think if it doesn't stop hurting, I may as well skip the breast cancer walk, which is also fine. It would be quite a lot to put my body through so much, so suddenly, after months of lackadaisy lol. I'm also gonna take the relaxers again as Mom asked later this morning. I am feeling a bit better but the bags are clear evidence of the sleep trouble I've had. (see the paragraph below)

For now I need to see Aaliyah off to school and I can heat up some leftover pizza. Oh! And I cannot stress how difficult it is to sleep in this house. I couldn't do it in Mom's bed, I slightly managed on the couch before the dog was barking mixed with the tv, and then moved to Aaliyah's room and slept in some quiet..until I woke up again to a dog barking from being closed in that guy's room and I turned on my mp3 player to relax. It worked a while, then Aaliyah wanted me to come watch her. I wanted to finish my song, then write, which I'm doing. She's in the kitchen playing.

Mom says Grandpa is coming over today and that Joe, for an unmentioned reason, is not permitted on the property. Eep. Not my business to know why. I would ask Grandpa to take me home if I wasn't given the task of babysitting Aaliyah once she got off school. -__- I'll be okay.

Also, HEY! I've already gone one whole day without the internet-anything. No internet, no way, at all. It's interesting and if this was the 90's would be mostly unimpressive but in today's society, it's.....something. Appropriately....something. It does increase the curiousity of what awaits me next time I DO access the internet though. So yay that! P.S. The bug problem is also still minimal which is a plus.

Random notes: SUPERNATURAL RETURNED!!! I must watch it on Hulu when I get home. Also, lately and it's well hidden, but I've been writing 'p.m.' instead of 'a.m.' on my timestamps which is just plain weird.

I deleted my mass of JRM photos off my computer. I'm still a fan....in my own way.... just not as into that wonderful person as I used to be. They are still on April's if I ever change my mind though, lol. Still I liked it.

6:48 a.m. I let Aaliyah play on my computer a bit and then we watched Arthur. Also, I managed to do the thing and have pizza, pepsi, and muscle relaxers. So we can tick those boxes. I hope, God willing, I can get some sleep. Aaliyah just ran in to get her journal and I had to unlock the door. I was hoping she wasn't gonna do something like stop and write at the table so I kinda rushed her. Would hate to have her miss some early bus on my watch.

I'm watching her from inside the house instead of on the porch as the custom because there were SO many misquitos when I did it yesterday. I mean, the windows are kinda tinted and all but I can manage.

God, I hope thats not Joe who pulled up on a motorcycle right now. I have to be the one to bar him. >.<

6:56 p.m. Okay, it was just the guy who lives here. I was a bit apprehensive as Joe is a motorcycle rider but no, he's called Coot, even has it labeled on his motorcycle
jacket. He saw me standing on the back steps, arms crossed and probably looking perplexed if it weren't for the darkness and a big yard, and he said 'How we doing this morning?" He seems nice enough :) It was definetely not JOE'S voice. He's taking the dogs out right now. I hadn't seen his face until now but I was told and overheard on multiple occassions that he lives here. I did introduce myself, by the way.

In short, it's all clear. I do have to relock the doors later, as that's what Mom wanted.

Aaliyah is still outside and her bus should be here soon...

7:06 a.m. Aaliyah's bus arrived. Coot said it was the first time seeing the door locked, not surprisingly, and I talked about Mom's request not to let Joe in . He brought up that yesterday the gate was mysteriously open and the back door and he went and closed the gate. He went to let the dogs out and the gate was open again...so nether of us know what was going on.

As far as I know, nobody was coming or going when I got home yesterday so if it was before then, I still don't know. Something is going on. Anyway, at least someone has my back if Joe for some reason, if any, drops by and I can't handle it. I'm just a meek Christian woman here!! lol.

Last night, Mom talked about her need to move into something smaller like a mobile home, possibly set one up in the backyard of Mema's like Ricky did once since it's both close to her job and she can be there for them to help them out. This was the reason there is no cable and internet. She had the good heart to let all these people come and go, living with her, and they wouldn't help with the bills. It frustrated her. But hey, if she's cool without, more power to her.

Right now she is sharing a home with Jen and her kids..while DJ and I, much to her thankfulness, have moved. Jen has taken over the adjoining spare room with her stuff and told Mom not to do anything to it when it's her house so you can see the predicament here.

I'm glad to have a private forum to discuss this, not in a place where everyone knows I write. This is just a diary. The only reason it's on the internet is the 'anywhere' access and the reason it's not set to private is so I can view it without having to be logged in. I know my family would be unhappy to discover this stuff in the blog (if they knew this existed) so I may decide to ommit it later somehow and still use it in my journal book.

Awww....Skyla is sleeping next to me and it is SOOO cute!!! Too bad I can't get the camera on April's phone to take a picture without disturbing her, lol.

7:50 a.m. Maranda is here hanging out while Drake is on his first day at daycare. She asked to help Velma but she already has two women with her today, plus it is HARD!! I tried to watch Metallica: Through The Never after cleaning out my computer....I was that bored, lol. On the plus side, I have only used 28 GB of space on a 144 GB computer. I deleted a lot of unneccessary videos. I'm a stickler for keeping the amount of available on here on th ehigh side.

I need new RAM as my memory isn't great. To be honest, my computer is slowly breaking and may be due at some point for yet another system reset, that is, bringing it back to default settings to make it work properly. Cause it's to the point where every time I clean using CCleaner, it shuts down which bugs me. I just have to properly back things up first, lol. AND it doesn't even need a CD, there's just this certain key combo I have to hit to do it except...I don't know what it is without googling it. o_0 Ah well.

At least less internet equals more blogging, being more open about my feelings so they aren't itching my insides...as much.

8:58 a.m. Grandpa is here now and so is Maranda. We are all just meandering and I'm defragmenting my computer (Can't recall the last time it was, so it's long overdue anyway.) Hopefully it will run better in the future. :) Maranda is job hunting, Grandpa is saying it will be a long day. I'm still waddling from my leg pain. Muscle relaxers did not stop it.

9:46 a.m. Both the computer and April's phone (which was running slow) is cleaned up a bit and now Maranda is gone...not sure what to do with my day. Kinda boring around here, ya know? I SHOULD give my computer a break....

12:32 p.m. I AM IN TERRIBLE leg pain. I am limping across Mom's house and it hurts twice as bad as it has all week. Can't even lay down or sit without pain....it's mainly in my legs because my feet feel alright. I called Rob on Grandpa's phone, with a number I had in my computer, and asked if he had the medications we all sought to get before I left. She hadn't yet. There's also the fact that my little phone call woke him so I was getting to my point in a hurry.

I dont know if I'll be here all week but I will be home soon, God willing. I've been sitting in Mom's bed drinking Pepsi, eating, and went from watching 1970s game to shows to a JFK documentary with Mafia theories and now crime investigation shows. Oi and a Vey. If this keeps up all week, I will not be attending the walk unfortunately. I just can't. -___-

By the way, after a computer cleaning, now I've only used 27.6 GB which is AWESOME!!! :D That's out of 144 and my computer should be running smoothly aside from the Skype memory glitch and the CCleaner shutdown issues. Did I say smoothly? At least it's fast enough.

12:43 p.m. Made a random doodle. Strange doodle. (See Desktop)

6:53 p.m. I'm feeling stressed. I'm trapped here and don't have the freedom to choose whether or not I can go home without causing some huge uproar. Why do simple things have to be so ridiculous? Why is there no one who can help me?

I am in so much pain that I can't bend over properly, my back and legs hurt. I've been limping all day and I can't sit, lay, or do anything with my legs without being in pain and all Jen can do is shrug like it's nothing and tell me to stick it out for a week. For Gods sake in Christ Jesus, I want one day of rest in my own bed to recuperate but that is deemed unimportant because she doesn't have gas money.

And she ALWAYS does this to me, asks me to come babysit and then leaves me high and dry because she's always too broke to bother taking me home, and it becomes a claw, scratch, pull, and any other word just to get back to my house. EVERY. SINGLE. Time. And I fall for it, thinking it will be different, EVERY time!

Yeah, I'm angry inside. I feel like I'm 22 again and stuck. It was always that thing when I lived here where I was stuck and couldnt make a move unless it was convenient for someone else. Only if it suited or benefited the other person. I love my family, I hate the house sometimes and what being in it means for me.

No one can grasp that I can't just simply 'rest it off' here. There is no air conditioning, only ceiling fans, dogs bark and yelp, tvs blare, and people chat and come and go down the halls. You know the extent of noise at MY house? Clattering keyboards and the occassional laugh at something funny, and maybe some muffled chatter.

People then wonder why I stay away for months at a time. It's because everyone is so eager to have me over but when it comes time for me to come home, suddenly its not doable. I have to push and claw with begging and pleading to get back to my own bed. It's beyond ridiculous and it seems like there is nothing I can do to change it.

She won't even compromise and bring Harmony over there instead, because of gas money, no, it's her way and that's the end of the conversation.

I hate to say it but I get screwed over every time like this........

I really hate to say it.

I really genuinely do.

Hate that word.

But it keeps happening.

And it feels like the ones who are on my side can't help and the ones who aren't will excuse a way not to help. I'm so tired of it.

Being away so long at a time can make me forget it, for sure. I mean, it flashed in my mind a bit but that was when I was thinking I would be here working and making money, not limping around my Mom's house in pain and being forbidden to go home.

The gas money thing is just an easy excuse. I OFFERED gas money to Grandpa and he was more than willing to do it but no, Jen had to have her veto because she has plans and suddenly I'm the only person in all God's creation who can babysit and that there's no other way. Again, the second easy excuse. It's the same one they've used since I was practically a teenager. I'm the only one in all existence that they know who can watch their children. Anything to remind me I have no choice but stay put against my will, and then they shrug it off with an annoyed sigh because they've already won.

And I know calling April won't solve anything because she'd just be mad at my sister, stay mad, and I don't need that, and I would have to be reminded of how naive I am to fall for the same thing over and over because I think something will change. It doesn't change. It never does.

I'm angry, miserable, longing, and in pain. Plain and simple. Yes, I wanted to see my family but I don't want to stick around while I'm in pain. Hope God knows that. Oiii...and this is just gonna go up in my face when Jen gets home and we have to go into it.

I basically get argued into a corner and go into myself and just concede to something I don't want to do because I don't want to continue being in an argument. Then I go off and be depressed and angry to myself, cry and then make sure if someone calls for me I hide it quick enough and make a weak/fake smile. Same old thing.

Mom isn't coming home until late tonight, Jen won't be home until it's too dark, Grandpa can't take me now because Jen can't 'let' me go and if I rebel and go anyway it will blow up a lot more than it needs to. This whole thing....I've been repetitive enough. You know what I think of that. Life is unfair, yada yada yada. Same old story with me, I guess.

I tell you one thing, when I go home, and sleep for an unimaginable amount of hours in my own bed, I'm staying put for as long as I can hold out until the holidays or something. Seriously. Then maybe rant some more later before letting this whole thing blow over, as usual. Hard to help it when I got those two who are the ones who will genuinely listen.