5:51 a.m. So yesterday I
slept until Mom came home and then complained to her about how hard
my day was...and she comforted me. She told me not to make such a big
deal out of it, so I'll try not to. Then again, I also went and told
Jen the same thing...cause she asked. But at least I got paid, lol.
Anyway, I didn't end up going home last night and instead was asked
to babysit today after Aaliyah gets home.
Still sore, but Mom gave
me some muscle relaxers last night and it took a while for them to
kick in. I still think if it doesn't stop hurting, I may as well skip
the breast cancer walk, which is also fine. It would be quite a lot
to put my body through so much, so suddenly, after months of
lackadaisy lol. I'm also gonna take the relaxers again as Mom asked
later this morning. I am feeling a bit better but the bags are clear
evidence of the sleep trouble I've had. (see the paragraph below)
For now I need to see
Aaliyah off to school and I can heat up some leftover pizza. Oh! And
I cannot stress how difficult it is to sleep in this house. I
couldn't do it in Mom's bed, I slightly managed on the couch before
the dog was barking mixed with the tv, and then moved to Aaliyah's
room and slept in some quiet..until I woke up again to a dog barking
from being closed in that guy's room and I turned on my mp3 player to
relax. It worked a while, then Aaliyah wanted me to come watch her. I
wanted to finish my song, then write, which I'm doing. She's in the
kitchen playing.
Mom says Grandpa is coming
over today and that Joe, for an unmentioned reason, is not permitted
on the property. Eep. Not my business to know why. I would ask
Grandpa to take me home if I wasn't given the task of babysitting
Aaliyah once she got off school. -__- I'll be okay.
Also, HEY! I've already
gone one whole day without the internet-anything. No internet, no
way, at all. It's interesting and if this was the 90's would be
mostly unimpressive but in today's society, it's.....something.
Appropriately....something. It does increase the curiousity of what
awaits me next time I DO access the internet though. So yay that!
P.S. The bug problem is also still minimal which is a plus.
Random notes: SUPERNATURAL
RETURNED!!! I must watch it on Hulu when I get home. Also, lately and
it's well hidden, but I've been writing 'p.m.' instead of 'a.m.' on
my timestamps which is just plain weird.
I deleted my mass of JRM
photos off my computer. I'm still a fan....in my own way.... just not
as into that wonderful person as I used to be. They are still on
April's if I ever change my mind though, lol. Still I liked it.
6:48 a.m. I let Aaliyah
play on my computer a bit and then we watched Arthur. Also, I managed
to do the thing and have pizza, pepsi, and muscle relaxers. So we can
tick those boxes. I hope, God willing, I can get some sleep. Aaliyah
just ran in to get her journal and I had to unlock the door. I was
hoping she wasn't gonna do something like stop and write at the table
so I kinda rushed her. Would hate to have her miss some early bus on
my watch.
I'm watching her from
inside the house instead of on the porch as the custom because there
were SO many misquitos when I did it yesterday. I mean, the windows
are kinda tinted and all but I can manage.
God, I hope thats not Joe
who pulled up on a motorcycle right now. I have to be the one to bar
him. >.<
6:56 p.m. Okay, it was
just the guy who lives here. I was a bit apprehensive as Joe is a
motorcycle rider but no, he's called Coot, even has it labeled on his
motorcycle
jacket. He saw me standing on the back steps, arms crossed and probably looking perplexed if it weren't for the darkness and a big yard, and he said 'How we doing this morning?" He seems nice enough :) It was definetely not JOE'S voice. He's taking the dogs out right now. I hadn't seen his face until now but I was told and overheard on multiple occassions that he lives here. I did introduce myself, by the way.
jacket. He saw me standing on the back steps, arms crossed and probably looking perplexed if it weren't for the darkness and a big yard, and he said 'How we doing this morning?" He seems nice enough :) It was definetely not JOE'S voice. He's taking the dogs out right now. I hadn't seen his face until now but I was told and overheard on multiple occassions that he lives here. I did introduce myself, by the way.
In short, it's all clear.
I do have to relock the doors later, as that's what Mom wanted.
Aaliyah is still outside
and her bus should be here soon...
7:06 a.m. Aaliyah's bus
arrived. Coot said it was the first time seeing the door locked, not
surprisingly, and I talked about Mom's request not to let Joe in . He
brought up that yesterday the gate was mysteriously open and the back
door and he went and closed the gate. He went to let the dogs out and
the gate was open again...so nether of us know what was going on.
As far as I know, nobody
was coming or going when I got home yesterday so if it was before
then, I still don't know. Something is going on. Anyway, at least
someone has my back if Joe for some reason, if any, drops by and I
can't handle it. I'm just a meek Christian woman here!! lol.
Last night, Mom talked
about her need to move into something smaller like a mobile home,
possibly set one up in the backyard of Mema's like Ricky did once
since it's both close to her job and she can be there for them to
help them out. This was the reason there is no cable and internet.
She had the good heart to let all these people come and go, living
with her, and they wouldn't help with the bills. It frustrated her.
But hey, if she's cool without, more power to her.
Right now she is sharing a
home with Jen and her kids..while DJ and I, much to her thankfulness,
have moved. Jen has taken over the adjoining spare room with her
stuff and told Mom not to do anything to it when it's her house so
you can see the predicament here.
I'm glad to have a private
forum to discuss this, not in a place where everyone knows I write.
This is just a diary. The only reason it's on the internet is the
'anywhere' access and the reason it's not set to private is so I can
view it without having to be logged in. I know my family would be
unhappy to discover this stuff in the blog (if they knew this
existed) so I may decide to ommit it later somehow and still use it
in my journal book.
Awww....Skyla is sleeping
next to me and it is SOOO cute!!! Too bad I can't get the camera on
April's phone to take a picture without disturbing her, lol.
7:50 a.m. Maranda is here
hanging out while Drake is on his first day at daycare. She asked to
help Velma but she already has two women with her today, plus it is
HARD!! I tried to watch Metallica: Through The Never after cleaning
out my computer....I was that bored, lol. On the plus side, I have
only used 28 GB of space on a 144 GB computer. I deleted a lot of
unneccessary videos. I'm a stickler for keeping the amount of
available on here on th ehigh side.
I need new RAM as my
memory isn't great. To be honest, my computer is slowly breaking and
may be due at some point for yet another system reset, that is,
bringing it back to default settings to make it work properly. Cause
it's to the point where every time I clean using CCleaner, it shuts
down which bugs me. I just have to properly back things up first,
lol. AND it doesn't even need a CD, there's just this certain key
combo I have to hit to do it except...I don't know what it is without
googling it. o_0 Ah well.
At least less internet
equals more blogging, being more open about my feelings so they
aren't itching my insides...as much.
8:58 a.m. Grandpa is here
now and so is Maranda. We are all just meandering and I'm
defragmenting my computer (Can't recall the last time it was, so it's
long overdue anyway.) Hopefully it will run better in the future. :)
Maranda is job hunting, Grandpa is saying it will be a long day. I'm
still waddling from my leg pain. Muscle relaxers did not stop it.
9:46 a.m. Both the
computer and April's phone (which was running slow) is cleaned up a
bit and now Maranda is gone...not sure what to do with my day. Kinda
boring around here, ya know? I SHOULD give my computer a break....
12:32 p.m. I AM IN
TERRIBLE leg pain. I am limping across Mom's house and it hurts twice
as bad as it has all week. Can't even lay down or sit without
pain....it's mainly in my legs because my feet feel alright. I called
Rob on Grandpa's phone, with a number I had in my computer, and asked
if he had the medications we all sought to get before I left. She hadn't yet. There's also the fact that my little phone call woke him
so I was getting to my point in a hurry.
I dont know if I'll be
here all week but I will be home soon, God willing. I've been sitting
in Mom's bed drinking Pepsi, eating, and went from watching 1970s
game to shows to a JFK documentary with Mafia theories and now crime
investigation shows. Oi and a Vey. If this keeps up all week, I will
not be attending the walk unfortunately. I just can't. -___-
By the way, after a
computer cleaning, now I've only used 27.6 GB which is AWESOME!!! :D
That's out of 144 and my computer should be running smoothly aside
from the Skype memory glitch and the CCleaner shutdown issues. Did I
say smoothly? At least it's fast enough.
12:43 p.m. Made a random
doodle. Strange doodle. (See Desktop)
6:53 p.m. I'm feeling
stressed. I'm trapped here and don't have the freedom to choose
whether or not I can go home without causing some huge uproar. Why do
simple things have to be so ridiculous? Why is there no one who can
help me?
I am in so much pain that
I can't bend over properly, my back and legs hurt. I've been limping
all day and I can't sit, lay, or do anything with my legs without
being in pain and all Jen can do is shrug like it's nothing and tell
me to stick it out for a week. For Gods sake in Christ Jesus, I want
one day of rest in my own bed to recuperate but that is deemed
unimportant because she doesn't have gas money.
And she ALWAYS does this
to me, asks me to come babysit and then leaves me high and dry
because she's always too broke to bother taking me home, and it
becomes a claw, scratch, pull, and any other word just to get back to
my house. EVERY. SINGLE. Time. And I fall for it, thinking it will be
different, EVERY time!
Yeah, I'm angry inside. I
feel like I'm 22 again and stuck. It was always that thing when I
lived here where I was stuck and couldnt make a move unless it was
convenient for someone else. Only if it suited or benefited the other
person. I love my family, I hate the house sometimes and what being
in it means for me.
No one can grasp that I
can't just simply 'rest it off' here. There is no air conditioning,
only ceiling fans, dogs bark and yelp, tvs blare, and people chat and
come and go down the halls. You know the extent of noise at MY house?
Clattering keyboards and the occassional laugh at something funny,
and maybe some muffled chatter.
People then wonder why I
stay away for months at a time. It's because everyone is so eager to
have me over but when it comes time for me to come home, suddenly its
not doable. I have to push and claw with begging and pleading to get
back to my own bed. It's beyond ridiculous and it seems like there is
nothing I can do to change it.
She won't even compromise
and bring Harmony over there instead, because of gas money, no, it's
her way and that's the end of the conversation.
I hate to say it but I get
screwed over every time like this........
I really hate to say it.
I really genuinely do.
Hate that word.
But it keeps happening.
And it feels like the ones
who are on my side can't help and the ones who aren't will excuse a
way not to help. I'm so tired of it.
Being away so long at a
time can make me forget it, for sure. I mean, it flashed in my mind a
bit but that was when I was thinking I would be here working and
making money, not limping around my Mom's house in pain and being
forbidden to go home.
The gas money thing is
just an easy excuse. I OFFERED gas money to Grandpa and he was more
than willing to do it but no, Jen had to have her veto because she
has plans and suddenly I'm the only person in all God's creation who
can babysit and that there's no other way. Again, the second easy
excuse. It's the same one they've used since I was practically a
teenager. I'm the only one in all existence that they know who can
watch their children. Anything to remind me I have no choice but stay
put against my will, and then they shrug it off with an annoyed sigh
because they've already won.
And I know calling April
won't solve anything because she'd just be mad at my sister, stay
mad, and I don't need that, and I would have to be reminded of how naive I am to fall for the same thing over and over because I think
something will change. It doesn't change. It never does.
I'm angry, miserable,
longing, and in pain. Plain and simple. Yes, I wanted to see my
family but I don't want to stick around while I'm in pain. Hope God
knows that. Oiii...and this is just gonna go up in my face when Jen
gets home and we have to go into it.
I basically get argued
into a corner and go into myself and just concede to something I
don't want to do because I don't want to continue being in an
argument. Then I go off and be depressed and angry to myself, cry and
then make sure if someone calls for me I hide it quick enough and
make a weak/fake smile. Same old thing.
Mom isn't coming home
until late tonight, Jen won't be home until it's too dark, Grandpa
can't take me now because Jen can't 'let' me go and if I rebel and go
anyway it will blow up a lot more than it needs to. This whole
thing....I've been repetitive enough. You know what I think of that.
Life is unfair, yada yada yada. Same old story with me, I guess.
I tell you one thing, when
I go home, and sleep for an unimaginable amount of hours in my own
bed, I'm staying put for as long as I can hold out until the holidays
or something. Seriously. Then maybe rant some more later before
letting this whole thing blow over, as usual. Hard to help it when I
got those two who are the ones who will genuinely listen.