First and Last Day Of Work.

3:52 a.m. Okay, so about yesterday. I read about half the second journal and even then, I was still weird. I packed and watched some Burn Notice, hung out with Rob, and then slept until Mom arrived that evening to pick me up. We listened to dubstep and remixes on the way, lol.

Then I got home and greeted the kids, watching tv with Mom until we went to sleep shortly after. Since Joe is gone, I can share her room since hers is one of the few left in this house with air conditioning. The only thing is she sleeps with the tv on, so that is something to get used to.

Anyway, Jen took me to meet with Velma, the woman I'll be working with and who I've known since childhood, and basically had the interview right there on her porch. She asked questions and we went over what I'm to expect. The re-iterated that when it comes to clients houses, I can be trusted not to steal from them, and I can. She told me a few have left valuables out on purpose, with cameras, to test and tempt those who work there..but this is a non issue as far as my ability to work.

I get up and need to be ready by 7:30 a.m. and can dress casually. Basically she will be cleaning and I will be following after her, like a partner. Now, the deal is 50 a day whereabouts, 250 a week, 1000 a month, but some things are different about this week.

I have missed one day, so I cant get paid for that work, and I am not working Friday because I'm babysitting for Jen (Maranda will be stepping in) and Saturday is the breast cancer walk (I finally decided to go) and Jen is having her ten year high school reunion, which I wouldnt make her miss for the world.

Before I went to bed, Jen said 'Don't let me down, Chels.' Which little did she know REALLY inspired me.

I gotta thank God and give Him the glory. This ticks like all the boxes of what I've been needing.

1. Steady income.

2. Being around my family.

3. I can go nuts on Christmas shopping just like I dreamed this year.

4. I'm doing something with my day besides going Secondlife and sleeping.

5. I still get to see April and Rob on the weekends.

6. My hygiene is gonna improve.

7. Cleaning houses is helpful to others. This is also a new job reference for the future.

8. I GET TO SPEND HALLOWEEN WITH THE KIDS! I didn't mention it but that is something I was REALLY hoping to get to do.

I don't even mind this house so much anymore. I used to avoid it because of bugs and the heat issues but there are almost no bugs left, The house is quieter, a LOT cleaner, and I got a ceiling fan cooling me in an un-airconditioned living room.

For day one, this is a lot better than having complaints. I don't have a complaint for once, imagine that.

I tried to sleep longer but due to my strange sleep habits my body seemed fully rested. So, I got up to write.

Mom REALLY wants to show me this store where everything is five bucks and under, even suggesting I take 20 out at the end of the week for it. I don't mind. Would be a good chance to get my Christmas list going, which I need to get on by the way.

Also, Jen got a chihuaha and it's NOT a mean one. We also still have Skyla here.

Anyway, back at home I remembered I went over my budget plans with Rob. I have plans, for sure, responsibly. Time will tell. God only knows. I also don't have internet here and forgot to put it on a flash drive. The only thing I have is Mom's hot spot which is unavailable while I don't know her new phone password and she is asleep. I got April's phone, my netbook, and my mp3 player. There's also soda, clothes, tennis shoes with mismatched socks, and a composition notebook.

I'm thinking of like taking only a few pairs of clothes home with me at the end of the week so I don't have to lug so much back and forth, lol.

I'm told for the job we leave at 7:30 and come back around three or four p.m. and sometimes later if the client comes home and needs extra done. It's fifty bucks a day so I'm not gonna complain.

On a random note, Harmony can now say my name and quite regularly and I enjoy it every time.

More soon. Being less distracted by the internet means more information about what I do with my day lol.

4:17 a.m. There is leftover pasta and I'm REALLY in the mood for getting some. All glory, praise, thanks and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen! God is able!

4:40 a.m. I had some delicious pasta and worked out my Christmas list thus far. I'm logging off....

3:21 p.m. I have had a long ardous and altogether not so great day. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing baseboards, wiping, making beds, vaccumming, handling trash and while that doesn't sound like much, emotionally, it feels like a lot when the entire time you are told you are doing it wrong...

...thus feeling loads of shame, stupidity, and inadequecy that is flushing your self esteem down a toilet faster than you can clean one. Yeah, that much.

Don't get me wrong. She was fair. I was doing my absolute HARDEST and best, (I dont mean that faceciously) but it was not up the par that her business is and when it is not and a client notices, it falls back on her.

In the end, we both agreed this was not for me. I made 45 dollars, which was about over five bucks an hour and she was convinced I didn't do much, though I would beg to differ, I didn't get into it. It was over. I was paid, even if it was five dollars less than expected because as I said she felt I didn't do much, but I tried. The point is I tried even if I didn't get it right at all.

I went through a lot of negative thoughts about myself through the whole thing, as low self esteem will do to you, tried to keep praying and singing 'Salted Wound' by Sia in my head. You wouldn't believe how much that helped.

All I'm really prepared to do now is beg and plead my way home tonight and come back to babysit at the end of the week like I promised. I want to curl up in my OWN bed and drift, forget the mental and emotional pain which I so carefully hid today, and maybe talk it out with April and Rob.

For a while I got away with hiding my red eyes with a matching red face and tears with sweat but at the end of the day when she asked what was wrong, I told her my legs and feet hurt, which was not untrue...and I attributed it to my barely broken in sneakers.

She was fair, okay? She was also kind, bluntly honest, and comforted me, saying I'm not cut out for this but I should be doing something I love and enjoy and stick with that. Kind of the lesson I had to tell myself was that just because I am not fit for one job doesn't mean I am not fit for any.

That was a major part of why I didn't want to come out to her and say such and such made me feel deeply, stupid, and inadequate and that it was real reason I was crying. I didn't want to needlessly hurt her feelings. God, depression hit me so hard during this.

Also, I brought a pasta lunch but never got around to touching it. It sat in a hot car all day and I threw it away when I got home. Too bad because it was SO delicious and such a waste. I was cleaning for all these hours, okay? I had a hard time the first half just getting myself to stop and drink something. And I WAS SOOOO HOTTTTTTT!!!!! Not a great day but I'm cooling down and recuperating.

Another thing this shows is my sister oversells things, and I was oversold into this. Like I could listen to music, stop and eat lunch, just an easy sweep and dust and that's all...yada yada. None of that was the case. Three immaculate houses all needed scrubbing so hard. Closest thing I had ever been to seeing a mansion on the inside. I thought if I did this a week I'd lose full use of my right hand. Not exaggerating. You try spending hours scrubbing baseboards only to be told that it was not good enough because she sees stains that you cannot. Takes a toll, just seriously. I assure you, this was an experience and I'll get it behind me.

I had God on my side today, did a lot of praying with Him. I still know he wouldn't hand me anything I couldn't handle so I basically said it was up to Him if I was gonna make it another day so I guess we know. Oi, thank God we know. I'm hoping He's gonna bless me further, at least for trying.

Aaliyah doesn't appear to be home yet so I'm just gonna rest. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves. Bye homies. P.S. 45 bucks can REALLY stretch for Christmas gifts. :)

4:38 p.m. I can't properly rest. My feet are throbbing. I keep complaining about today when I shouldn't, and should just move on. It's gonna feel kinda sad putting the above plans in the journal knowing they might not all come to be, or to think I might not finish of that Christmas list, God only knows.

The main thought is how bad I want and need to go home. I hurt now and can only seeing it hurt worse tomorrow and the last thing I want to do is babysit all day or the rest of the week in pain. -__- I'll have to beg, plead, or make some deal just to go home because as always the reason is the same, there is no gas money.

I dread coming back dejected because it didn't work out and I had such high hopes. Yet, I long to curl up in bed and sleep the pain away for hours upon hours on end until the end of the week...physical pain...the emotional pain is a whole other fire to quench. Oi vey. And there's no internet to boot. I need someone. At least there's Skyla the dog, lol.

ANYWAY, I finally ate and drank something and watched a Bible memorization game show. Now I just felt like writing about my feelings. This will pass...maybe I'll laugh about it one day, I don't know.