Wednesday, September 9, 2015

A Great Three Days, Then Loneliness.

5:53 p.m. Other than spending too long catching freebies and playing a little Flight Rising, I've been busy busy busy making my latest creations over the past few days, praise Jesus. I've also gone  alittle broke doing it but anyway..

I'm ashamed that it shows a little more bust than I'd like BUT it was both easy and fun to texture. Made it in multiple colors as well but I won't list it all here.
C* Corset - Haunted

Like the corset, the mesh to make it was free (won from a store) and this was so fun I just had to make it right away, even without a map guide. However, I could not change the metal piece much. I would have liked to have gone with silver:
C* Poison Apple Earrings

TODAY, however, I made my first MESH! UNFORTUNATELY, after hours of work creating a simple 3D chair, I learned I cannot upload it without taking an SL course or something to be sure I can respect property rights. Nonetheless, this was a victory.

I spent too many hours DREAMING I could make a 3D object. Something, anything. And Praise Jesus it happened. Harder task than it looks in every way imaginable. Oi.

Anyway, my sales have been very very very small lately and fewer, however, I made a decent sale (62L) and spent 40 on adding a few more 'books' to my bed project, while leaving the rest for future projects. Yes, I made a book called 'Selfies.' Lol.

I don't care if no one buys it, to be honest, this is is expensive. This is VERY enjoyable!

I've thought about making a strictly SL creations blog someday, maybe when I hit a certain milestone. :D I have over a hundred products and still only sell a handful a day but praise the Lord, I will get there. God willing!

April made time to hang out with me today, which was VERY appreciated. We watched a show called 'Curvy Brides' and I snacked a bit.

Also opened a kitchen window earlier and let the air and light in. The cats seemed to enjoy that. P.S. Random note, April couldn't believe how old Hilary Duff was. We're old. Coca Cola is re-releasing Surge!!!! awesome. I'm probably more excited about it than I should be.

On another note, I'm still thinking my life has this problem with relationships. As much as I'd like to have them, I'm one of those people who have trouble making new ones and when I do, I have trouble maintaining them.

April and Rob are the only friends in real life, who are close, I have. I have time with my family now and then but not much. Just something that's been on my mind.

I still think about Jackie. The only thing I remember the last time I saw her alive, several months before her passing, was standing by at Publix (It was December 2014 and we were picking some things up as well as getting Jen's birthday present) while she, in uniform, chatted with my Mom. It went through my mind that they were discussing something I would have no clue about and did not get involved in the conversation, mostly tuned out. I didn't say much to her or her to me in my memory.

The moment I watched her walk back to working, as we ourselves left, plays in my head over and over though, kinda like it's her 'making an exit' sometimes even in bright clouds. Though in reality it was some innocuous thing.

The next memory was at Christmas where we visited her Grandma Joan and I was asking where she was living. Joan talked about the apartment. The word plays over in my mind 'living. LIVING.' No longer alive. No longer living. No longer at the apartment, or Publix. She is very missed.

I certainly don't write this stuff on Facebook, where both of her grieving parents are on my friends list. I can't imagine what they are going through. I feel like the smallest thing over her death could hurt. I still ask God if she's in Heaven and told God though I know what He's telling me, I hoped He wouldn't mind if I kept asking anyway. I think He answered me in my dreams the other night.

In it, Mom gave me a speech about accepting when it was a person's time to go. Though she was referring to my grandparents, on both sides, and my preparation, there was another part of the dream with Jackie being happy, on a carousel of all things (sitting on a horse sideways in some colorful sweater) so putting those two together I kinda got my answer.

April has been worried about mood. I've been worried about her religion. Let this be a judge free zone. Do I wish I could share my religion with her? Certainly. Do I bother saying so? God forgive me but my simple mind/heart feels it's futile to try.

She is pagan. She has her focus on paganism with her friends and that is in her circle. It shuts me out, pushes me away, forces me into loneliness. I don't think she quite gets that this passion of hers does just a bit of harm.

If this is read it may come back to bite me that I'm writing this.

There are things I don't say aloud because I don't have the faith that it will change anything.

I don't think God wants me around it anyway, so maybe He has some hand in this but it doesn't make it easy. I kinda threw my hands up spiritually and said this is up to You, you know? I've done the Gospel thing and I feel like it's up to them when, if God willing, ever they want to turn to it.

It's not my job to convert anyone, anyway, or anyone elses. The Word is put out there, it's up to our own consciouses to accept it, or not. It's just hard not to have someone of a similar belief system, ya know? There's a LOT I can't say around friends about say 'a topic' because I'm almost always on the opposing side and then left to hear opinions that make me feel worse for bringing it up or even somewhat sick with myself inside.

Say it with me. Admit it. I am one LONELY human being. God be with me, in Jesus name, Amen!

Oh, and I had another dream about JRM. This one was where I was just chatting with he and Mara, and later got confused and thought he was marrying Julianne Moore lol. Don't recall much details.

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