Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Ups And Downs Today.

8:58 a.m. I had some dream about Rob taking April and I on a trip to Las Vegas. I first told them to turn around though so we can go pack our clothes. April was concerned about some diorama left there, that it would take up too much house space, so I suggested we move it into storage. So we got there, we're packing, and I'm doing something with a baby bottle and feeding a baby suddenly in my arms. My mom is there and I don't recall much else.

At one point I was having some discussion with Rob with my belief that all animals go to Heaven.

Oh, and as we were going to bed last night (back to reality) Zackary brought in a mattress for me to sleep on so I didn't have to share the twin. I slept on it, and in the middle of the night, Aaliyah moved there. I moved to the twin, alone. Jen came around 5 a.m. ish to say she was leaving for work. I moved to her bed with Harmony and 'tried' to sleep. I was having the demon attack 'lingering' again so I said my prayers and a few hours later it passed over. I went on dreaming like normal and snuggled with Harmony this morning...playing with her as she woke up.

Then we got up to 'wake' sissy (Aaliyah) but she was too shy. She woke up on her own a few minutes later anyway. I made turkey bacon for breakfast, they ate, and now they are crowding Mom who is taking a vacation day. The living room, on a random note, feels nice and cool today. P.S. Mom said no to the beach, lol.

9:54 a.m. I'm worn out, but a 'happy' kind of worn out. I just got done playing with the girls with the water balloons and the hose. Unfortunately, two wasps circled the nozzle around the hose and I had to turn the water off and bring them inside. Otherwise, it could have gone on for longer. The kids are hanging out with Mom playing some game app which is Wizard of Oz themed.

I think I dreamt of accessing my Flight Rising account again but I'm not sure. Harmony is drinking my tes against my wishes. Oh well. If she's thirsty, she's thirsty. Anyway, I hope I'm not having withdrawls or something like that. Granted, I miss my internet stuff but it's not driving me crazy not to do it. I imagine there will be a LOT of emails waiting for me at home, not to mention how many SL sales.

OH! I dreamed I made a new outfit for Second Life with Camp pants and was going to sell it really cheap. I think I briefly got to go home in the dream and wanted to get it done really quick. Thank God I remembered.

2:50 p.m. I made some ground turkey burritos with salt and feta cheese. Harmony loved the whole wheat tortilla.

We left at around 11:30 a.m, to go to the creek. The walk there wasn't too hard, though long. I had a towel over Harmony's stroller to give her extra shade. We had a REALLY good time swimming alone, the three of us, in the cold water and stayed until Aaliyah was ready to leave (or so she 'joked'). The kids were very behaved. It was the walk home that was long and arduos for the poor girl and we had to keep stopping in the shade. I had to keep pushing her on, she was really tough and brave. It really brought her spirits up when we got to our road and there was a rolling chair on the side of the street. She immediately wanted it.

So, we took it home. I got Harmony and the stroller inside (yes, thanks to Aaliyah we found a stroller) I learned Harmony pooped her bathing suit so she had to get her cleaned up. I changed without a shower because I had to keep my eye on them both. Since we just got back, I am trying to give Harmony a nap. Mom and Zack have just returned. They left just before we did. By the way, if you didn't keep count, we were gone for three hours. lol.

Looks like the nap will have to wait. :) They bought BUBBLES for the kids. I'm having a good day today and I hope this keeps up.

Also, they bought a kiddie pool for the kids so this is extra exciting! Less creek trips, but this may mean less swimming for me. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Aaliyah just took Harmony outside so I guess they're gonna have some fun. ^^

6:20 p.m. I'll try to keep it simple. The pool got filled but it was too stormy. Kids played in the bubbles and I took photos. We watched Ghost Whisperer and April told me on Skype that Carlo is healing from a vet visit (busted abscess) and we gave away two kittens so far! Rob is meh and so is she. Didn't talk for too long. I learned Mom had a Wifi hotspot on her phone so I used it, for hours, only to find most of the time it slowed down the phone. I got all my instagram stuff uploaded with time and determination, though! Harmony just woke up. I'm keeping the hotpsot time short. Not uploading these entries to blogger today.

6:28 p.m. Using the hotspot to talk to Dad on Facebook. He needed to hear from me. He changes his number more than he changes socks. lol. Just kidding.

6:34 p.m. Turned the hotspot off. Finsihed talking. My blurb book 'returned to sender' so I'm in a hurry to get it sent here and the issue solved. Frustrating but I'm trusting God. Therefore, I told Jen not to mail the book but buy it and hold onto it until I come over next time...

6:41 p.m. Showed Aaliyah the videos over the past week on my phone. It was wonderful!!

7:59 p.m. I used the hotspot for a couple Youtube videos. Supernatural Parody and pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Then watched the kids, and I amdist a fly plague outside, play in the pool for a while. Aaliyah is showering, Harmony is playing in the pen, and I cannot wait for this day to come to an official end.
Jen is not home yet so thus I am still the babysitter. Of course, the plan is the same. Dinner, shower (I'm dying for one), and getting to bed!!!!

8:09 p.m. So much for an early retirement. Jen just called to tell me she'll be home late. (She said an hour but in her time it tends to mean a lot longer.) So the best chance I got at a break is their bedtime in a couple hours. The way time has been flying by today, we can only hope that's soon. P.S. I may be sunburnt in a few places on my back. Too many wonderful days at the creek. Jesus Christ is Lord, God loves us and raised Him from the Dead. Later, home nuggets. Peace out!

9:16 p.m. There are times where I am deeply flawed. When I don't feel comfortable doing something, and people push and push me to do it, it makes me uncomfortable. Obviously. My knee jerk reaction is to get away, from everyone, as quickly as possible. I can gather my thoughts. I'll have an anxious and hurried voice while keeping my head lowered. I'll be wary of wanting to cross the room when someone else is in it until I know this situation is over with.

For the recent example, I was asked to make hamburger helper by Mom. I wanted to say no, but said nothing. Not agreed, just didn't say anything and kinda frowned. She left it at that. Later, I whined for Joe to do it. It got passed onto Zack, who asked me to load the dishwasher and rinse the dishes, so I did. Then I was told to start making tea. Here goes the anxiety.

I don't like working in this kitchen. It's hot, standing over a hot stove to boot, with no air conditioning. Everyone else is used to the conditions whereas I can hardly stand through it. My knee jerk reaction is to mumble around it and run away to gather my thoughts and reflect. Now, I am being pressured to work in the kitchen, and it compiles stress and I have to deal with someone else being stressed AT me.

I have no one to talk to about this, except April, but I don't think I'd be given the time. My heart is in full anxiety and nervous mode. All I can do is beg for more time to just be allowed to express my feelings here. Obviously, if I'm not able to outlet it somehow, and quick, it will eventually make things worse. All I wanted was to watch the kids, eat, shower, and go to bed. It's not even the kitchen issue, it's being pressured.

My biggest weakness, the thing that stresses and makes me the most anxious, is being put under any kind of pressure. I've never been able to handle it. Obviously I couldn't at McDonalds. I can't handle even the normal pressures that everyday people breeze through. So it puts me to anxiety, which affects and stresses those around me, and makes me want to run away and avoid everyone...which stresses me out. My biggest and greatest apologies for causing others problems. Bye.

9:29 p.m. I got tea started and apologized to Zack. I just had to let everything melt away. I asked if we were good and he said, "We've been good." That was kind of him. It's my personality that gets in the way of things sometimes so the best thing I can do is to go to the person, admit my faults...which ARE my faults, and ask forgiveness. Easiest and most honest way to resolve something. I just have to get through the storm first, it seems like. P.S. It's obvious he wasn't being unreasonable, even I could see that. I was just very avoidy of working in the heat and some part of me resolved to keep avoiding it. That was the issue before the pressure was piling on. We already went into all that, so I'll keep it short.

EDIT: After playing with the kids, I got into another disagreement similar to earlier because I couldn't find a pot lid. I gave up. I didn't want to be around anyone. Later, he gave me a long lecture about how I need to help out more (which there's nothing wrong with that) and he couldn't see I was trying to deal with my anxiety, stress, and depression. I wound up crying, wishing for home. I stayed alone until he wanted to talk so I talked a little and then chatted with April who made me feel better. She understands me better than anyone. I really can't wait to be home.

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