A Daily Diary: June 2015


Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Quick Update: Past Two Days.

I Made These:

My Journal Shipped To Mom's. Today! Finally.

Quietness!!! Oh My God!

I Got To Update The Newest Journal, Titled Dix-Sept.

Still Inexplicably Hot and Don't Know Why.

Not Sick Anymore.

Pretty Sure I Recently Had That Dream Again Where I Go Back To Do a Senior Year of High School.  -Shake My Head.-

Watched Documentary on Angola Prison.

Brownies, Soda, and Processed Foods.

Sunday, June 28, 2015

Going Home Today. YAY!!

7:49 a.m. Today is the day I'm supposed to be going home. I feel like I should be excited, because I've been counting the days as you know, but I'm not. I have no idea if I'm going home or not, or when, or how. It's all uncertain. On top of all this, I am sick as a dog. Stuffed up and I have sore throat. This is what kisses and sharing drinks with kids gets you. God have mercy on me. I had a couple nightmares and seem to have forgotten most of the good dreams. P.S. I have "I Really Like You" by Carly Rae Jepsen in my head. It's been days now.

Some part of the dream, I was leaving with Mom and Tiffany. Tiffany was talking, upset, about her last time with Jackie and doing laundry with her. I had just gotten my purse, (The denim corset purse I have in real life) which was mostly empty. When we left the driveway, I saw a duplicate of my purse (which I thought was my 'second' purse) just lying in the front yard. We dropped her off at Joan's house and I asked to go back for my other purse, which had things I needed in it [unlike the one I had] and she agreed to do it. That's mostly the chunk I remember.

Jen is taking Aaliyah to DJ's for a week. I'm wondering if she plans on dropping me off on the way or not. In an unrelated note, Weekend-Hotspot Palooza is over and I am back to having no internet this morning. There are worse things in life, much worse, I assure you.

8:13 a.m. I've been editing my entries. I'm such a goof. I thought it was Monday! Mom is here. That means...Hot Spot!!

10:24 a.m. I spent a quiet morning with Mom, playing Flight Rising and Facebook. When the kids got up, Youtube. After that, I let Harmony play in the water hose while Skyla went out. She had fun. I laid down a couple minutes and now the kids are having breakfast. I've got great news though. Mom said she is taking me home later. YAYY!!! Now I'm excited, again. ^^ Don't know how long 'later' will be but it doesn't matter. Ten days are completed and I'm going home for a good LONG while. Hehe.

10:46 a.m. Unfortunately, I cannot find my Marilyn Blanket. I've practically seen it here every day until TODAY of all days for it to get lost, when I need to take it home. Looks like I'm leaving it here...again. :/

12:02 p.m. I never found the blanket. I just got back from watching a movie with Mom on tv. Odd movie about a ghost, the deceased son of his aunt's twin. He was trying to be reborn through his cousin (causing her hamr), much to the panic of his pregnant (with twins) mother. Then the mother has the twins and one of them is him, reborn. Just all around odd. Mom says we can leave in a couple hours. I'm all packed otherwise. Jesus rejoices. God bles,s Jesus loves, lives, saves! Later homies! P.S. Kids are being quieter and I am still sick. Oh God, am I sick.

1:13 p.m. Over an hour later, it took a few tries but I FINALLY got all my entries (except today's, of course) on Blogger WITH the photos. Zack was disappointed that I wouldn't make pancakes. I'll live. I was caught up in my business and I'm not elated to cook. -_- It may also be the fact that I won't always jump up and cook at the drop of a hat. Moving on....

1:21 p.m. I got all my entries updated. Back to putting them in Wordpad before adding them to blogger, perhaps after I'm home. About the pancakes, there were also no clean frying pans and no dish soap. (Thoguh he wasn't asking me to wash) He used liquid bubbles to wash it which Mom was okay with, and I found odd. I don't know how sanitary that is.

1:43 p.m. Family and I had a brief discussion about this Southern Flag ban going on. IMHO, Like someone else mentioned, not all southern people were slaveholders or supporters and they still held the flag. It never meant anything offensive to me and I apologize if this paragraph offends. It's just how I feel.

Yes, blacks are, today, oppressed. Yes, they were enslaved. To be okay with the flag, is not in support of those two things just because some who flew it back then WERE.

Slavery has gone on for millenia. Slaves brought over from Africa were enslaved, for generations, by other Africans long before the white man. Again, this is not a fact stated in support of slavery, to excuse it, or saying that it should have been legalized, God forbid. It's just history. A flag raised on a side that, thankfully, LOST. It became a very casual southern symbol but I don't think this flag was intended, (at least for today's times) not by ALLpeople  anyway, to support the oppression and enslaving of the black race.

1:58 p.m. Leaving soon!!

3:16 p.m. Almost two hours later. I'm already home, at, and took some Nyquil and soda, Fresca. Chatted up Rob and bonded with the cat. Currently surrounded by three rambunctious kittens. Mom loved the BeetleJuice Dubstep on the way, by the way. I've only unpacked my purse so far. Not even my laundry or suitcase yet. Bigger laptop is somewhere around here, I think. For now, I'm on my netbook with high speed internet. Woot!

I still feel hot for some reason. I thought I would be euphoric in the air conditioing but it feels like I'm still longing for the iciness of the window unit. I couldn't even sleep because of it.

8:19 p.m. I hung out with April and played Flight Rising until around 5-6 p.m. before finally taking a nap. Jesus Rejoices. Next up: Rob is making bacon-wrapped hotdogs. It's all kinds of unhealthy but we'll get healthier next week's grocery trip. I'll try to live until then, lol.

11:09 p.m. First I ate. Then, it was too much Flight Rising.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Re-Shipments, Home Tomorrow, More.

9:21 a.m. I had a bunch of different dreams. Maybe God was hinting at something, I don't know. I had one where it was suddenly my wedding day and all the relatived poured in. My fiance and I adopted this toddler boy we found, and didn't know who he belonged to. We just decided to keep him and we asking around about the legal adoption process. Earlier in the dream, we were trying to name him, funny names like you would give a pet. Finally, I asked that we settle on something normal, like "Mike." So that was his name. Mike.

Anyway, as the wedding was spontaneously getting underway, the whole wedding party was so distracted that I was left to put my dress on myself...until a relative her my grumblings and came over to help.

In another part of the dream, we had a couple pets. A cat and a kitten and I just remember bonding more closely with them than I have any other cat.

In yet another dream, I went to a Church group with April (we aren't the same religion) and it was a group circle kind of thing. We were singing Gospel songs and I was praising God. I had an AMAZING soulful singing voice. I was forgetting this was a dream and telling April that I didn't know I could sound like that. She said she didn't either. I joked that it made sense if I could sound like it in the shower or something, but not right then. Anyway!!

So there was a lull of quiet and I immediately started belting out "How Great is our God" and they were joining in. April remained silent through all the singing that went on, of course. After it was done, she looked a bit annoyed. I asked what was wrong and she said she WAS going to ask to play a game but no, I had to go 'bursting into song.' I asked if she wanted to leave and we agreed.

The problem was I went FAR ahead of her. Like the walk was a couple miles and suddenly I was home and putting stuff up, and she wasn't. So, I bolted out the door to try and catch up to her. I ran, better than I do in real life, without running out of breath, and passing kids playing in the yard when one said I was going somewhere in a hurry. Finally, I got to where I could see her as a dot in the distance and thought I was catching up to her. There were other people on the sidewalk and I passed one guy, and she was gone. I turned around and she and she remarked what I was thinking 'I didn't know I passed you!' That's about all I remember.

The final dream (I blame the Transporter movie and maybe a little bit of Burn Notice) I was watching some guy up close, who was making deals over these burner phones. As soon as he finished the call, he would dump the phone in some bucket of water, I think. Then, he opened a little box from a pile of little white boxes and pulled out another phone, called, and made another deal.

Then he was gone and I picked up the phone. I first had to talk to an operator's instructions, and then I got a hold of someone. He started, "Hey baby.." and then started talking. This was a new burner phone, mind you. I answered in a 'more' feminine voice, pretending to be who he expected and hoping he wouldn't notice. And while he chatted, I had the phone down and not paying attention to what he was saying.
I was painting a watercolor painting on canvas, on the coffee table. There was a baby cooing in the background, but he didn't mind. I painted a faceless picture of the baby on one side of the canvas, on the other was maybe a silhuoette of a man standing. Next to him, on the edge, I painted horizontal, red, watercolor 'splatters.'

Then the guy returned. He was curious about what I was doing, mumbling something, but he didn't seem the least bit angry about me being on his burner phones which were for making his deals.

Then I woke up. It was kinda quiet. I prayed a little. I made my way out here and wrote my entry, first updating today's, then writing this one while this was all on my mind. So we are up to the current moment. Aaliyah, Harmony, and Jen are awake and by the front door and she's watching some kind of video. Zackary and his friend are asleep on a mattress here in the living room. It's raining this Saturday morning, or was, apparently.

I HOPEFULLY go home tomorrow. My worries were confirmed when I asked Jen if she even had gas money to take me home (I was under the impression that she did when she asked me to come in the first place) and she said she doesn't...only saying after 'We'll get you home, one way or another.' I hope that's true. I really have to get home, where there is quietness, companionship, my Bible, more independence, the cats, and the many varieties of activities...including the internet.

I think I'm getting sick in my throat. My fauly, to be honest. I don't think much of drinking after the kids, sharing my drink with them rather than making a new glass. lol. That is all I got to say for now. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves homies! Bye!!!

11:52 a.m. After relaxing, I sufficiently wore myself thin after contacting SafeLink Wireless. I was redirected to several different people, just waiting for the one person who would perform the simple task I needed with no run around. Harder than it sounds. I was angry and to the point of tears at all the waiting, then being turned down. And they could tell. FINALLY though, God sent someone who worked out the simple task and my phone is resent. :D Jesus Rejoices.

Also, I'm STILL working on getting my book re-shipped to me (it's never been so difficult to do it before.) Their customer service line is not open and email service is slow (declining in quality as the site grew bigger and more popular, including cutting it's 24/7 chat support) but I'm still fighting to get that done. I just need the book resent, to a different address. Nothing complex there.

3:11 p.m. Been watching Netflix and Youtube all day with the kids. Time to take a break, eh? P.S. Jen bought McDonalds but not for me, because I was on a diet, but Mom gave me her fries. ^^ Diet schmiet. It's out the window. Can't wait to go home tomorrow, God Willing!!!! It will be a much needed break from here....Oi Vey.

6:24 p.m. I will skip most of the past time by saying: Internet, Skyping with April, and playing with the kids. Maybe a few minutes here and there in front of the window fan in Aaliyah's room. We just got back from the creek. Jen took us rather than us walking. I just had a cold shower, a long one. P.S. Aaliyah loves her skin after all. Tomorrow, God Willing. HOME!!!

6:42 p.m. I just heard back from Blurb. My book is on my way BACK to their office but they will be happy to re-ship it ince it arrives. Until then, we shall be keeping in touch and praying it makes it back to me okay....P.S. Aaliyah had me slice an apple real quick. How odd.

9:24 p.m. That much closer to getting home. XD Nothing out of the ordinary. Kids played with bubbles during what was going to be an outdoor scavenger hunt. I made ramen, frozen hot dogs (how long they were frozen is anyone's guess) and ground turkey for dinner. Mom slaved over dishes. Sorry about that. Fries are still cooking in the oven but I'm kinda full. Washed and dried my clothes. Cannot wait to reitre tonight. There's no plan for what time I'm going home tomorrow, just that I will have a way, apparently. I'm fine with it. Excited. Can't wait to retire for tonight.

10:15 p.m. Just finished talking to April. We almost had Aaliyah come over for the week but Carlo is hurt, there's little food, and April has to prepare days beforehand like cleaning, hiding things, and getting emotionally ready to help babysit. Some other time hopefully, like next time when I get asked to come over and babysit. At some point where we can plan ahead of time instead of short notice. I'm ready to head to bed. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! P.S. No clue what day I'm going home. There is no gas money to do it with...God only knows.

10:20 p.m. Aaliyah is going to DJ's this week. Cool beans.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Dreams, Homesickness, and Trying To Keep Calm.

4:34 a.m. My brain pulled a fast one on me. Just when I was thinking last night, 'Gee, I used to write about Jonathan Rhys Meyers all the time. Now I barely write about him at all.' I end up having a few dreams about him, just like the old days.

In the first one, I am standing by as he passionately tries to convince the woman across from him to let him into a certain college. Full on acting mode.When he finished that one, he moves onto my application (more of an online one) and starts asking personal questions. For some reason this application even asked if I was in a relationship.

At some point, on the computer, we come across these pictures of Jackie (R.I.P.) sitting on a couch, around five years old, in a fleece girly nightgown. She's smiling away from the camera with hands curled at her chest and wisps of blonde hair down her back. Her blue eyes sparkled and her mouth was partially open as if she were speaking. I explained how everyone was saddened by her passing, at just nineteen. Some people had moved on but the parents still mourn. He interrupted befor eI could finish that part and said they will never be over it [the death of their child.]

In another scene, we are in the living room and watching television night. He's on one couch and I am on another. I kinda thought about how adorable him and Mara are together. ANYHOW! Harmony shows up and he invites her to come cuddle with him. She sees me move on the couch out of the corner of her eye and looks up to see who it was. Then she was comforted to see it was me. He settled her back down.

In another scene, I myself, was a little actress. I was told I would be doing a scene with Jonathan Rhys Meyers and then my eyes got big. My agent, who I could kinda hear but not see, was surprised. Meanwhile, I'm curious to know what my reaction looked like so I went into the bathroom to practice my wide eyed reaction. The reflection was not quite...me. I looked like I had just woken up (pinkish eyes) and they seemed just a 'tiny' bit spaced too far apart on my face. Afterwards, I explained that I used to be obsessed with him before he started dating Mara. The agent suggested maybe he'd even want to be friends after this and I was like, kinda sheepishly, "He wouldn't want to be friends with me." Then I hear him, but don't see him, say "Who's he?" I don't think there was an answer. I could sense he was smiling.

In another part of the dream, I am wandering on a far. It's kind of amusing because before this part I'm about to explain, I was looking at a dog with blue dyed fur (meant to look like underwear) which in the dream was his ACTUAL fur after being shaved down. The dog belonged to Mike, from his late (they are still alive in real life) parents. Anyway, wandering the farm. lol. I decide to give him a tour.

Again, I can sense him and even hear him, but I cannot see him. I was still thinking, like the old days, that I even look a little like him and that he knew it, too. The rest after this part is a blur, it's a miracle I remembered this much. The actual owner of the farm shows up with Mom and he's taking inventory of his livestock, knowing each of his animals perfectly. He was an old man in overalls, smiling with a clipboard.

I still dream of him now and then. I mostly don't write the dreams down anymore. I think I stopped dreaming of him every single month, like I have for the past four-plus years. :D I'm still a fan just not as obsessed as I used to be. Excuse the word.

5:07 a.m. I just got a few convenient minutes to download yesterday's photos with Mom's hot spot, talk to my OkCupid date, and...to Blurb..who sent my book on the way, but it was returned to sender. (We've been having that same issue with Rob and our P.O. Now, it's our home address. Makes so sense since I've ordered with it before.) This is just bad luck. I had this happen when I lived at the apartment, too. Address worked fine for a while, then all of a sudden things sent to me were being 'returned to sender' which is nuts, including my tax return last year. Yeah.

 Anyway, Blurb said, 'I'm sorry. I will talk to my collegues. There with be a slight delay.' Oi. I sent a pleading email back. I spent the last of what I could afford on this book and worked on it for eight months. I must fight for it to get here!! It'll be easier correspondence once I get home and have internet again. Say it with me. "TWO MORE DAYS!!" Mwuahahhahahaaaaa!!!!

Anyway, I wonder how long I'm gonna be awake. I could stay up and bask in the glow of being the only one up, in the quiet still atmosphere I so deeply treasure.

7:39 a.m. For well over two hours, I have been working on the drawing I thought was finished yesterday. I thought it would be fun to see it in color via GIMP editing, and it was. Then when I desaturated THAT I saw this definition I lacked in the original drawing. So, pun intended, I went back to the drawing board and enhanced the drawing to my liking. :D Jesus rejoices. I think I finally got it the way I want it. I also enhanced a picture of Aaliyah I took in her bathing suit yesterday so I'm pleased as punch about that. Praise the Lord. God is good to us.

8:02 a.m. Made a strip from several photos from the fun I had last night, when I was supposed to be going to bed. They are from last night, even though I'm putting them in today's entry. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! Aaliyah is awake and we should eat. Later homies. TWO DAYS left!!

10:26 a.m. Nothing I want to tell out of the ordinary. Just playing with the kids. Aaliyah has her Littlest Pet Shop with paper dolls and Harmony is just roaming from one activity to the next. She was just playing with a stroller earlier.

10:54 a.m. I screenshotted the best moments from the fireworks videos so I'll have some images for June 21st since there aren't really any others. The late morning isn't going too bad...

11:16 a.m. Playing too much on Instagram...

12:33 p.m. Still played with that camera phone too much. Lol. Finally settling down and I'm giving Harmony a nap. Hopefully, things can stay calm. We had grilled cheese and tuna earlier (at first I typed 'grilled geese' that was hilarious.)

2:34 p.m. Harmony is still napping. Jen is out running errands. Aaliyah is upset about having to stay in her room during 'The Transporter' which is on now. Oi. Not a fan of the film, mind you. The musical score is cool though. That and wanting to use the computer but I didn't let her yet. I just didn't want it turned on at the time. I strongly felt she should nap getting herself all upset but she refuses. She took us laying down together as a agreement that she would use the computer afterwards but she misheard me. In short:

I said she could use it if she napped.
She didn't want to nap and cried.
I said, "If you lie down, it's not the same as sleep."
She laid down. Then expected the computer.
I said it was not the same thing. She got upset.

Two more days. Two more days. Breathe. lol.

5:32 p.m. We watched most of Transporter Two after the first one finished. Everyone, including Jen, Mom, and Joe are home. Kids are awake. I just showered. Kids PLAYING in between. That's about it. Other than that, I used the time in the shower for a break and a glide off into my own world. Hehhe gllliiidddeeeee. So far, right now, the day is hot and the mood is not too bad at all. P.S. Aaliyah got over the computer thing later, Thank God. Also, I've been awake for eleven hours now and counting. I'm gonna be SOOO tired tonight. You won't even believe it.

5:44 p.m. I was hoping to use Mom's Wifi Hotspot to answer some emails. **coughcough** Blurb. But she is playing an app game right now so that will have to wait. I told her I hope we don't get to the 28th and then someone says 'We don't have gas money to take you home.' Then, I get stuck babysitting longer. It's not like Grandpa is here to take me back. He's helping out Mema and Papa which, is, of course, more important. Mom said she knows I miss home. :) And I do, very much do, very easily. I'm sorry but I miss lazy, uncomplained about, relaxation. Hahah. AIR CONDITIONING, Plague-free enviroment, food, friends...the easier convenience of companionship. etc.i.e. talking with adults. Internet convenience. The list goes on and on. It also gives a higher sense of independence.

7:27 p.m. I washed a pot for Jen and relaxed. Then played outside with Skyla and the kids. Mom let me use her hotspot and long story short, after another technical email, my book SHIPPED!! I don't know if it shipped to Fort Meade or Mulberry but it shipped. Time will only tell. I'll keep trying, anyway. ^___^ P.S. Hamburger Helper was yummy tonight.

EDIT: I enjoyed internet freedom the next few hours until bedtime. I spent time with the kids. I put on Barney and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Netflix and Aaliyah watched Youtube videos to her heart's content. Mom announced last night that we will be going on vacation soon at a hotel. I REALLY want to go so I hope they remember to take me along. It's at a timeshare for a week, owned by my late Grandma and passed onto my mother. Free week at a fabulous resort hotel. ^^ Mom thinks it's a great idea for an October 8th birthday present for Aaliyah. Can't believe she's already that old. She's so special. I wish she knew it.

I was a little disheartened last night because she's going through something a lot of african americans go through. She and her sister are both a mixed race of Caucasian and Black skin. Her sister, is a lighter skin tone while Aaliyah has very dark skin. Well last night, I was editing pictures (colors and lighting and whatnot) and she says, "I want you to make me light, like Harmony." She infered that it was more beautiful to be whiter and I was trying to convince her that black IS beautiful, very special, and that is just not the case. [The lighter the skin, the better.] Still, she made comments about not liking her dark black skin. I just have to pray to God one day she will see the beauty in the skin she has and not be ashamed to be dark.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Tiff And Make-Up.

7:57 a.m. I feel like this is the first morning I've had to myself since I arrived. It's perfectly quiet. EVERYONE is still asleep. Jen is here today so that's an ease on my part. I got my laundry drying and had leftovers. I drank iced tea. Sugar, quite a bit, I know. I hope to get back on the right track after home. It's almost like I'm taking a vacation here from the rules of a healthy lifestyle. My body seems outwardly fine. I thought I'd turn into a blimp but I feel like my normal self. Maybe not AS skinny as I was, but normal.

It's funny, I had a dream last where I spent the whole thing re-arranging things and furniture in the house. Organizing. The house, also, unfortunately, was roach infested but I didn't seem to care (which is unusual because I have in every other dream I've had) but anyway, yeah. I moved the couches into more a triangle position in the living room and stuck a coffee table in the center. I unloaded boxes from the cloest to see what I wanted in there.

Meanwhile, Clarissa (who I haven't seen since Christmas) [insert picture] was being talked to by an unseen man about her training into having the job as the new official babysitter of the house. I guess that at least says something about my life, I don't know.

I hope things are better today. I have three days left. THREE days!!! Then I can go home. I do realize, however, that it's not entirely a 'day off.' I'm the babysitter of the kids until Jen wakes up. Thankfully, they are asleep right now so I get a calm quiet start to the morning before a 'firm tone voiced' babysitter mode kicks in. Hopefully, I'll be better about the chores.

Zackary wasn't wrong when he said I was kind 'lax' (my words) on them around here. I do laundry and I was my dish 'sometimes' but I would like to give it a try on doing a better job. My biggest issue though is kitchen work though because, like I said, there is no air conditioning and my options are: Hovering over a hot stove, running my hands through hot water as I wash dishes (with hot steam rising on my face) and believe it or not, the fridge is not designed for cold air to hit your face everytime you open it. It's more like a cold fan hitting from the waist down. I repeat: NO air conditioning in the kitchen. Not even an open window (it's screened, too) See why I'm not jumping for joy when I have to do it? lol.

12:39 p.m. Well, I finished a drawing I started when I got here. That was a great plus. I feel like it was my best so far. The kids are up. Zackary and I fought. I feel like he's guilt-tripping me for the house being a mess, in a tone that seems to blame me for not keeping the whole house up. We have two kids here, remember? (He also says the flies are because the house is messy and I tell you it's because the doors and windows are left open all the time. Fly plague outside means fly plague inside.) Also, not cooking exactly when he wants. He called me lazy because I wanted to make ramen instead of ground turkey. Gets upset at me when I try to break away from the situation because I don't need to be fighting with a fourteen year old. It's better I just walk away. I think this is going to make my stay harder, just when the kids were being more behaved, he starts to butt heads with me. Three more days. Three more days. Three more days. No more. I'll forgive.

12:55 p.m. I don't want the frustration and anger to be there but it's not going away. All I can tell myself is 'Three more days. Three more days. Three more days.' I fear if this rivalry is just beginning, it's gonna excellent. It seems like I can't just have one day here where nothing went wrong. If your were frustrated for an entire week straight (an unlikely event when I'm home) then you would know the feel.

It's just the fact when someone doesn't get that you are a certain way. You're gonna act a certain way. And to keep pushing against that is only going to make the situation worse. My process is to GET AWAY from the situation, give me a few minutes ALONE to breathe, then we'll talk it out and get over it. If I'm gonna get flack for trying to get away from a fight, interrupting my process, then it's gonna make things harder. I do NOT want to stay and fight. I WANT to get away, and will try any way I know how, and after I've breathed we can talk it out when I've calmed down. Understand the process, respect it. It's how I am, who I am, and how I act.

Jen said she'll talk to him. That makes me feel a lot better. I think I can get past this now. She says not to worry about it. He's not the one I'm babysitting. If the behavior is too much of a problem, I have to talk to Joe. There. Over with. Breathe. Forgive. Move on. Simple as THAT. :)

1:59 p.m. I played with the kids and now just laid Harmony down for a nap. I'm feeling better. Aaliyah played on April's phone and computer, meanwhile. Soon, she'll be ready to be outside playing in bubbles and water all she wants.

3:39 p.m. Aaliyah and I are getting along famously today. She got to play with bubbles and in the pool, which Skyla just destroyed. I asked to come in for about ten minutes because there was a couple of wasps and we came in and she drew on the computer. It was ruined by the time we got out there! ALSO
someone left toys, presents, for Harmony and Aaliyah on our doorstep...I think it's ours at least. Aaliyah is happily playing with her Littlest Pet Shop playset now. Harmony is still asleep.  P.S. Glad I got before pics of her playing and now, after, when it was destroyed. Poor dear. Back to the creek someday it is. It's about to rain anyway.

After our tiff, Zack left on his bike. Not sure where but he hasn't been back yet. Fly plague in full force today. So much that I named my newest drawing after it.

5:38 p.m. Harmony is awake. Zack is back. And I made paper dolls and clothes with Aaliyah! Good times!!

6:39 p.m. Played with the kids, including bouncing, photos, and shadow puppets. Harmony and I played in the closet while Aaliyah played on April's phone.

7:28 p.m. Almost another hour passed. Aaliyah played with some fake guns with Zack, and is still playing...some sort of cops and robbers thing. I hung out with Harmony. She helped with laundry and she did some chalk art on the ground. :D Joe is making ribs. I can't wait for Jen to come home so I can retire. P.S. I'm glad it's the end of another day. The morning with the kids may not have been as smooth as desired, but the rest of the day seemed to pan out for the most part. I got the music to Fruit Ninja stuck in my head, lol. P.S.S. I've been up almost twelve hours so don't be surprised if I get tired soon....

In other news, I got the dishwasher stuck today but Joe fixed it when he discovered it. I got more than one complaint from Zack about dishes not being hand washed and instead being in the dishwasher when I didn't realize it was not supposed to go in there. Oi. More and more, it feels like 'You complain when I don't do it, enough, and when I do, you complain that I can't do it right.' Can anyone see the frustration here?! It's how I was feeling earlier. Kinda close to the point of 'Why should bother doing it since in your eyes I can't get anything around here done right? Makes you only complain once instead of twice, eh?' Sigh. Again, it was an earlier thing I was feeling. P.S. Joe found a ring. It may or may not be April's. I don't know.

8:39 p.m. I was gonna rant about Zackary, then we made up. Both sides apologized. My favorite result of all disagreements. The end.

9:06 p.m. After ribs, ice cream, and playing 'airplane' with both kids, I am pooped. Yay! I did it! End of the day!!!! After this, two more days and then, I'm home FAAHHREEE!! Back to lazy, lonely internet and Godly days. XD And maybe a diet. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves! NIGHT!!!

EDIT: Wound up using Mom's Wifi hotspot to upload Instagram photos and watch Youtube videos. SPN Parody, Fluffy Unicorns on Rainbows, Blank Space, Carly Jepson - I Really Like You, and that police officer who danced to 'Shake it Off.' And took more photos with the kids. :D It was great. I wound up going to bed past ten, with both of them. Jen came and got Harmony as soon as she was asleep and I slept comfortably with Aaliyah.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Ups And Downs Today.

8:58 a.m. I had some dream about Rob taking April and I on a trip to Las Vegas. I first told them to turn around though so we can go pack our clothes. April was concerned about some diorama left there, that it would take up too much house space, so I suggested we move it into storage. So we got there, we're packing, and I'm doing something with a baby bottle and feeding a baby suddenly in my arms. My mom is there and I don't recall much else.

At one point I was having some discussion with Rob with my belief that all animals go to Heaven.

Oh, and as we were going to bed last night (back to reality) Zackary brought in a mattress for me to sleep on so I didn't have to share the twin. I slept on it, and in the middle of the night, Aaliyah moved there. I moved to the twin, alone. Jen came around 5 a.m. ish to say she was leaving for work. I moved to her bed with Harmony and 'tried' to sleep. I was having the demon attack 'lingering' again so I said my prayers and a few hours later it passed over. I went on dreaming like normal and snuggled with Harmony this morning...playing with her as she woke up.

Then we got up to 'wake' sissy (Aaliyah) but she was too shy. She woke up on her own a few minutes later anyway. I made turkey bacon for breakfast, they ate, and now they are crowding Mom who is taking a vacation day. The living room, on a random note, feels nice and cool today. P.S. Mom said no to the beach, lol.

9:54 a.m. I'm worn out, but a 'happy' kind of worn out. I just got done playing with the girls with the water balloons and the hose. Unfortunately, two wasps circled the nozzle around the hose and I had to turn the water off and bring them inside. Otherwise, it could have gone on for longer. The kids are hanging out with Mom playing some game app which is Wizard of Oz themed.

I think I dreamt of accessing my Flight Rising account again but I'm not sure. Harmony is drinking my tes against my wishes. Oh well. If she's thirsty, she's thirsty. Anyway, I hope I'm not having withdrawls or something like that. Granted, I miss my internet stuff but it's not driving me crazy not to do it. I imagine there will be a LOT of emails waiting for me at home, not to mention how many SL sales.

OH! I dreamed I made a new outfit for Second Life with Camp pants and was going to sell it really cheap. I think I briefly got to go home in the dream and wanted to get it done really quick. Thank God I remembered.

2:50 p.m. I made some ground turkey burritos with salt and feta cheese. Harmony loved the whole wheat tortilla.

We left at around 11:30 a.m, to go to the creek. The walk there wasn't too hard, though long. I had a towel over Harmony's stroller to give her extra shade. We had a REALLY good time swimming alone, the three of us, in the cold water and stayed until Aaliyah was ready to leave (or so she 'joked'). The kids were very behaved. It was the walk home that was long and arduos for the poor girl and we had to keep stopping in the shade. I had to keep pushing her on, she was really tough and brave. It really brought her spirits up when we got to our road and there was a rolling chair on the side of the street. She immediately wanted it.

So, we took it home. I got Harmony and the stroller inside (yes, thanks to Aaliyah we found a stroller) I learned Harmony pooped her bathing suit so she had to get her cleaned up. I changed without a shower because I had to keep my eye on them both. Since we just got back, I am trying to give Harmony a nap. Mom and Zack have just returned. They left just before we did. By the way, if you didn't keep count, we were gone for three hours. lol.

Looks like the nap will have to wait. :) They bought BUBBLES for the kids. I'm having a good day today and I hope this keeps up.

Also, they bought a kiddie pool for the kids so this is extra exciting! Less creek trips, but this may mean less swimming for me. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Aaliyah just took Harmony outside so I guess they're gonna have some fun. ^^

6:20 p.m. I'll try to keep it simple. The pool got filled but it was too stormy. Kids played in the bubbles and I took photos. We watched Ghost Whisperer and April told me on Skype that Carlo is healing from a vet visit (busted abscess) and we gave away two kittens so far! Rob is meh and so is she. Didn't talk for too long. I learned Mom had a Wifi hotspot on her phone so I used it, for hours, only to find most of the time it slowed down the phone. I got all my instagram stuff uploaded with time and determination, though! Harmony just woke up. I'm keeping the hotpsot time short. Not uploading these entries to blogger today.

6:28 p.m. Using the hotspot to talk to Dad on Facebook. He needed to hear from me. He changes his number more than he changes socks. lol. Just kidding.

6:34 p.m. Turned the hotspot off. Finsihed talking. My blurb book 'returned to sender' so I'm in a hurry to get it sent here and the issue solved. Frustrating but I'm trusting God. Therefore, I told Jen not to mail the book but buy it and hold onto it until I come over next time...

6:41 p.m. Showed Aaliyah the videos over the past week on my phone. It was wonderful!!

7:59 p.m. I used the hotspot for a couple Youtube videos. Supernatural Parody and pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows. Then watched the kids, and I amdist a fly plague outside, play in the pool for a while. Aaliyah is showering, Harmony is playing in the pen, and I cannot wait for this day to come to an official end.
Jen is not home yet so thus I am still the babysitter. Of course, the plan is the same. Dinner, shower (I'm dying for one), and getting to bed!!!!

8:09 p.m. So much for an early retirement. Jen just called to tell me she'll be home late. (She said an hour but in her time it tends to mean a lot longer.) So the best chance I got at a break is their bedtime in a couple hours. The way time has been flying by today, we can only hope that's soon. P.S. I may be sunburnt in a few places on my back. Too many wonderful days at the creek. Jesus Christ is Lord, God loves us and raised Him from the Dead. Later, home nuggets. Peace out!

9:16 p.m. There are times where I am deeply flawed. When I don't feel comfortable doing something, and people push and push me to do it, it makes me uncomfortable. Obviously. My knee jerk reaction is to get away, from everyone, as quickly as possible. I can gather my thoughts. I'll have an anxious and hurried voice while keeping my head lowered. I'll be wary of wanting to cross the room when someone else is in it until I know this situation is over with.

For the recent example, I was asked to make hamburger helper by Mom. I wanted to say no, but said nothing. Not agreed, just didn't say anything and kinda frowned. She left it at that. Later, I whined for Joe to do it. It got passed onto Zack, who asked me to load the dishwasher and rinse the dishes, so I did. Then I was told to start making tea. Here goes the anxiety.

I don't like working in this kitchen. It's hot, standing over a hot stove to boot, with no air conditioning. Everyone else is used to the conditions whereas I can hardly stand through it. My knee jerk reaction is to mumble around it and run away to gather my thoughts and reflect. Now, I am being pressured to work in the kitchen, and it compiles stress and I have to deal with someone else being stressed AT me.

I have no one to talk to about this, except April, but I don't think I'd be given the time. My heart is in full anxiety and nervous mode. All I can do is beg for more time to just be allowed to express my feelings here. Obviously, if I'm not able to outlet it somehow, and quick, it will eventually make things worse. All I wanted was to watch the kids, eat, shower, and go to bed. It's not even the kitchen issue, it's being pressured.

My biggest weakness, the thing that stresses and makes me the most anxious, is being put under any kind of pressure. I've never been able to handle it. Obviously I couldn't at McDonalds. I can't handle even the normal pressures that everyday people breeze through. So it puts me to anxiety, which affects and stresses those around me, and makes me want to run away and avoid everyone...which stresses me out. My biggest and greatest apologies for causing others problems. Bye.

9:29 p.m. I got tea started and apologized to Zack. I just had to let everything melt away. I asked if we were good and he said, "We've been good." That was kind of him. It's my personality that gets in the way of things sometimes so the best thing I can do is to go to the person, admit my faults...which ARE my faults, and ask forgiveness. Easiest and most honest way to resolve something. I just have to get through the storm first, it seems like. P.S. It's obvious he wasn't being unreasonable, even I could see that. I was just very avoidy of working in the heat and some part of me resolved to keep avoiding it. That was the issue before the pressure was piling on. We already went into all that, so I'll keep it short.

EDIT: After playing with the kids, I got into another disagreement similar to earlier because I couldn't find a pot lid. I gave up. I didn't want to be around anyone. Later, he gave me a long lecture about how I need to help out more (which there's nothing wrong with that) and he couldn't see I was trying to deal with my anxiety, stress, and depression. I wound up crying, wishing for home. I stayed alone until he wanted to talk so I talked a little and then chatted with April who made me feel better. She understands me better than anyone. I really can't wait to be home.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Old Babysitting Feels...DEBUNKED.

10:23 a.m. I can tell you already that it's going to be another very long, very hard, and very stressful day. Jen woke me up around 5:30 a.m. ish and asked me to come sleep in her bed with Harmony while she went off to work. Aaliyah slept in the kid bed in the same room and we all slept until 9:30ish. We had dinner leftovers for breakfast and then they went outside to play. The water hose was almost a good idea until the water was too hot and it scared Harmony. Aaliyah wanted to play with it without getting her clothes wet. I was just not feeling great being it was a hot morning and just as hot inside the house, all around HOT. So I wasn't much in the mood for being outside. We went in the bedroom to play. I played fruit ninja, Aaliyah played on her phone and Harmony just wandered.

All of this sounds fine, so why does it sound like it'll be 'such a hard day.' I love Aaliyah, I do. But it just seems like, often, either I after to tell her something a dozen times before she does it, or I'll ask her to do something like play in her room, and she'll do it for a minute before coming up with a reason to not be in there. Sometimes she outright ignores me. Ah, and the thing where she knows her Mom
doesn't let her get away with doing something, so she does it around me. I don't allow that. If she's punished, she throws the biggest tantrum before going through with it...just a long list of things.

Harmony is easier, which is surprising because SHE'S the two year old. Mostly she's good unless she's near something dangerous or something she's not supposed to touch, and then I have to pull her away. I may have to call her a few extra times to get her to come to me and she does scream at times at the top of her lungs. But I stick her in her playpen, she cries about 20 minutes, then plays. Although there is the rare occasion where she climbs out which is a strange feat seeing as the walls of the playpen reach above her shoulders.

Another rant, I never for a second understood the difficulty in getting a child to play with her toys, in her room. You'd think it'd be the easiest thing in the world but no, getting her to do it....you'd think it was a chore.

I do have to admit my own faults here as well. I'm no angel. I get them playing in their room and I go off in another room because I will squeeze any minute of privacy and quiet out of my day like water being wrung from a dish towel. This was my problem when I was a full time babysitter living here two years ago. I craved my privacy and quiet like it was water and bread. I seemed to thrive with it and often didn't get it. And the longer I went without, the more I let my stress and agitation get out of control. They are essentials to my life, whether here or away. Pushed to the limit, I don't hit the kids obviously. That would be awful. But I'm ashamed to say it's a lot of screaming and yelling to the point of me wanting to break down in tears of shame at my own behavior. I hit that point yesterday. It was the only time...so far. Hopefully not again.

That's another problem with me. That as a babysitter, I let small infractions blow up and let me get out of control. I keep telling myself when I lay my head down to sleep that I will be better the next day, kinder. The next day comes and I wake up in full (not yelling, mind you....much) disciplinarian mode.

Again, this goes back to my issues when I was living here. I hated being in charge. I hated being a disciplinarian and keeping them in order. I loathed it. Because I always felt this evil inside of me coming out through it. It was a person I never liked who wasn't my true happy self. It's part of why I complain so much. It's why the longer this goes on, the harder it is even though I tell myself I'm gonna be better.

They really are great kids. They're playing and doing fine right now. I guess the real trouble starts when there is resistance to anything I ask them to do. And it happens, every day, every hour. And it's simple stuff. Go to your room. Clean your mess. Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself. Having to give the same command, what feels like a dozen times in a row, would put a stress on anyone.

This is what I'm going through every day now until I go home, in five days, and that is why in the beginning I said it was going to be another very long, very hard day. Because it does not get any easier, it only gets harder. I've been 'the babysitter' for years and years and years. There has always been some part of me that loathed being that, even when I agree to it. It would be easier with one kid, obviously, the better behaved one (which is what I was told when I agreed to this, Harmony only) but I got this. Both. I forgive. I'll get through it and move on.

I'm not going on about this because they are misbehaving at this moment. This is just five straight days of stress needing to be explained. Jesus have mercy on my soul.

1:13 p.m. Things have been surprisingly calm since I wrote this. Okay, there was one incident but it got smoothed over, then the rest of the hours went by smoothly. Zackary went on his X-Box. Harmony and Aaliyah played in the playpen and aside from the occasional bickering between them, it was fine. I played Fruit Ninja and I just got Harmony down for a nap in Jen's room. For once, Zackary and Aaliyah are getting along. He is on the back steps with her and he's shooting Bee-bees at old Pepsi and beer cans. She sets up the targets with these used tubes that shot up fireworks the other night. Hopefully, I'll come back with a nice report. There is a calm....

1:45 p.m. Things are still well. I got some shots, and Zackary wanted some of him with some bee bee guns, even defunct ones. It came out cool though. I just wish I could somehow get them on my computer to edit them, lol. It's plugged into my computer but my computer doesn't recognize it enough. It'll charge it, but it won't let me in the phone to get files. On another note, my stomach hurts. I'm having digestive issues.....eep.

3:19 p.m. Issues passed. I made an AWESOME photo manipulation of Zackary from one of the images where he was in Aaliyah's room. I went for a 'video game charater' model-esque photo which is what I got. He looks a mix between a zombie and some tough smart-talking zombie 'fighting' teenager ha ha. I could use it one day for something. :D

3:31 p.m. Well, the house got cleaner thanks in most part to Aaliyah, Joe, and Zack. Thank God, too, because it feels nicer. Harmony is STILL asleep but she's doing well. Aaliyah has to clean her room but her reward is a good play in the water hose. ^__^ Harmony can sleep as long as she needs as long as it's not until evening. Because then, she'll be up all night.

Zackary threw out the idea earlier that Mom will be home tomorrow. And since that is true, he wants to ask for a beach day for all of us. There are some impediments to this, in my honest opinion. The biggest is gas money, always the issue of gas money. (lack thereof) I also have no bathing suit, but I could borrow from Mom (in the unlikely chance that she says yes, which I don't believe she will.)

Uncle Pat and Z have some idea that if they just press Mom hard enough, she'll do what they ask for. That, believe it or not, tends to work. Okay, MORE than one person in this family shares that belief. I'm the only one who doesn't believe that's the right way to go about it. When it involves me, we ask once, get an answer and that needs to be the final one. No pestering, lol. And since I don't believe in the pestering, that is why I believe we are also not going to the beach tomorrow...as nice as that would be. P.S. We also do not have Harmony's car seat so this would have to be asked for tonight, not tomorrow, before Jen leaves for work in the morning with it.

4:19 p.m. Praise the Lord! Jen just got home, Harmony is now awake after three hours of sleep, Aaliyah is cleaning her room and I...am off duty officially. Zackary told Joe about the beach. Instead of being so negative, I've switched the sides to root for him. If you're telling more than one person, than you REALLY want to go. I've been there. P.S. He gave me a nice healthy strawberry processed cookie earlier. I shared with the kids. ^^

4:47 p.m. Applause for being wrong about how stressful it would be today. The day ended pretty nicely. I edited my camera phone photos, finally managed a way..somehow..praise God. Nothing to much, just lightening and color and contrast and whatnot. Very nice ^____^ I can't see my IG videos until they upload, when I have internet, but that should be no problem right? I already know what most of them are....night time fireworks and several of the kids. Boring conversation, right?

5:20 p.m. Been browsing some photos on my computer and dealt with a few more on my camera phone. It's about to storm and it's about TIME! It was a smoldering hot day today. I love when Florida does this. One half of the day sits in the mid to upper 90s weather, then we get cool showers cooler than the inside of this unairconditioned house! BYE!

5:44 p.m. I spent almost twenty minutes outside. Harmony was good company. I was right to feel it was better outside, and it was, aside from a fly plague moving from the outdoors to in, it was perfect. We have the door and windows open because the air conditioning window units needed cleaning before they could be used again.

7:28 p.m. Been hanging out with Harmony, waiting on the storm to come. Been on the porch a lot, it was nice. Harmony played a handheld SEGA. Mom has plans with Joe, so no beach. He's making something for dinner right now, I forget what. We were going to have hamburger that Mom was bringing tonight but Joe wants to save it for tomorrow.  Z is playing GTA, Aaliyah is still cleaning her room, Harmony is eating chips with him. Jen and I discussed me staying to the 28th, as we agreed. She just needs my address to send the book, she said. She still would see if it's at Book-A-Million before ordering online. Should be, it's a new release. The 28th would give her time to do overtime so she can go help out Mema, she said. I'm still ever looking forward to home but yes, the last half of the day has been calm. I'm hoping the idea for me is dinner, shower, and bed. I still could use the rest.

10:07 p.m. I had dinner and when it came time to help with the dishes, I didn't do that right so I laid down a few moments and then helped again. Then showered. I also realized my photos are no longer labeled by date after deleting them off the phone. I guess I'll have to wing it.

10:28 p.m. Glad that I got that sorted. Aaliyah is refusing to go to bed which is stressing me out. I'm heading to bed soon. I just need the privacy for a few minutes. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, died, rose, saved! Night homies!! Later. Bye. Mwuah!! After this we are four days left to home and all the internet things.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Well, The Day STARTED Easy....

10:24 a.m. Things have gotten surprisingly easier. I usually don't last this long without crying and losing my mind. Zackary helps. Awesome cousin that he is. I slept in and Aaliyah tried to with me, as long as she could, before she got up at near 10 a.m. which to me so far seems like a feat for her. Zack, or we can call him Z in this post as that's been his nickname also since early childhood, made them cereal and let me have the last night's leftovers which were his.

Actually, I was gonna eat them without telling him and while heating them up, he was coming out of the room so I offered it to him, then he offered it back to me. I passed on messages to him from Uncle Pat and suggested he write to him (my advise, not Uncle Pat's) but Zackary prefers to be more private since officers open the mail.

We already had one incident this morning where Aaliyah refused to drink up the last of her cereal and we got onto her not to be wasteful, but Jen her go, so we did. This is just the start of the morning.

My mind has formed the habit here of plotting excuses to leave early, earlier than the 28th, but for the first time I seem to be dodging them. I told her I would do it, and now with her hurt ankle she'll definitely need me, and also the conversation between April and I before I left rang in my head. She was concerned, grocery wise, that like with one of my trips to mema's where I said I would be gone for ten days and came back sooner, this would be the same and there would be very little healthy food in the house for me. I told her that this was legit and I was going to be gone for ten days, for real this time, so I need to stay honest. Whether I get the book I wanted or not is fine, I know things come up that are more important. I want it but it's not, say, as high on the wishlist as the 'This Fabulous Century' series books: 1870-1900, 1900-1910, and 1910-1920. Top of the top of my book wishlists.

Morever, I'm already here. God has me here for a reason, I may as well be here. All the complaints I could muster about the things around here, (mess, bugs, heat, noise, no net, no cable, tv, etc.) mean nothing anyway. I handle and live among it for a week or so, they LIVE it long after. So no complaints.

Psst. I also had a Pepsi this morning. I think I'm good if I watch my sodium and sugar intake. I think one soda is nearly all the amount of sugar I am supposed to have in a day. I definitely skipped the sodium-clogged ramen today. lol. Will gladly be drinking more water. That is one thing around here, in this heat, we DO drink our water. P.S. Last night, I read my old Neopets fan fiction to Aaliyah and she liked it. Never made it in the Neopian Times before it 'shut down' because it was too short but I held onto it.

I've been tempted to write other fan fictions. Supernatural, Flight ----

10:44 p.m. I just had the hardest stabbing pain in my gut I've ever remembered feeling. I tried to grip the coffee table but I made a run to the bathroom. After sitting, I still had the temptation to grip something from the pain. This may be TMI but it's a diary. Constipation. The result of more than a week of an unhealthy diet. I'm really paying for that yummy food between this and daily near-headaches. I'm gonna re-try my life after I get home. For now I am under circumstance. Out of healthy food and Pepsi is colder than water in a 90-degree un-air conditioned Florida life.

As I was saying before I was 'rudely' interrupted. Fan fictions including Flight Rising (which may cause an attachment to my dragon characters) and I'm sure there's more but nothing...hmmm... Modern Family. That'd be interesting...this pain is creeping up on me and it's nuts. I gotta go. I've said it all. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, died, rose, saved! P.S. Watched a documentary on Peter and Paul (Bible) the other day and learned some interesting things.

1:55 p.m. Grandpa was kind enough to take me, Zack, Harmony, and Skyla to the creek where we played for about an hour or so. It was much more shallow than last time so Harmony had more freedom. She ran straight for the water this time instead of being afraid. The kids took turns, and sometimes argued and whined, for the rope swing. Skyla had the time of her life running through the woods and the
shallow creek. Aaliyah played in the mud. Grandpa watched all of us, out of curiousity, wondering what it is we actually do out there. Then we came home and cleaned up, Skyla had her head out the window most of the way and Harmony got sleepier on the slow drive, sitting in Aaliyah's lap while buckled to her lap. After coming home and being hosed down while Zack showered, the kids had some ramen, and I relaxed...played on my computer in front of a fan. I showed Zack some family photos and videos on the computer and put Harmony down for a nap. We tried to get Metallica Through The Never to work but it skips in sound unless I open it right away on the computer without closing something else, if that makes sense.
Right now there is a family emergency. Mema took a fall and Grandpa and Zack are rushing over there now. Jen is on the phone trying to find out what is going on. I'm here watching the kids. Harmony is still taking a nap, after moaning herself to sleep in protest, and Aaliyah is playing with a defunct phone. Jen is going to visit Mema at the hospital so it's just gonna be me and the kids here for a while. Pray for us all in Jesus name, amen!

Apparently, I'm just hearing Mema was found in the living room, rocking back and forth in the rocking chair saying, "Daddy. Daddy!" She ran out of her medication or something. Keeping you updated as I find out. Papa thinks she fell and hit her head and then this happened. While Jen was talking to the EMT's, she was screaming about some odd things in the background. Hopefully, everything is gonna be okay...

4:29 p.m. After Jen left, Harmony woke up and I taught Aaliyah some basic Wordpad, (she wrote a story and I taught a little grammar) GIMP, and MS Paint. She also played pinball. Then we all played in her room. I took a lot of pictures that I liked. We played outside just now. Could really use a break....have you SEEN all that's happened today?! It's a FULL day!!

5:30 p.m. I'm getting more stressed out by the minute. I thought baing cupcakes with them would help but it somehow compounded the stress. I stole away any minute to be alone I could but it would just not help. I need a full on takeover of the babysitting thing and let me sleep, in ice cold air conditioning, into infinity. I'll be better soon. Six more days of this. Mind you, when I agreed, I was told it would be just Harmony but I got pulled into more. Oi. I'll move on. Six more days...and counting....

8:58 p.m. Aaliyah and I came to a head today but it was smoothed over afterwards. I guess this was the day I nearly cried and indeed, lost my mind, unlike the beginning of my post. Anyway, We had brownies, played games, and chilled. Mom and Jen soon came home and Mom waited for the cube steak to thaw. I played hide and seek with them a long while and then helped make dinner in the blazing heat of the kitchen. Even the tiny little fan didn't help much. I ate my dinner afterwards and asked to be permitted to just shower and go to bed. I was told "of course!" and that I didn't need to watch them when Jen was here
(although I feel a bit obligated on my own part due to her ankle) and I asked because it, clearly, has been a very, very, VERY long hard day and I imagine there are six more of those, and counting down, left. I came in the room, played a round of Fruit Ninja, and then wrote this entry.

Harmony just came in and said "Hi!"
"Hi baby."
"How're you doing?" She giggled. Never heard her ask me that before, especially so clearly, coming from a two year old. It was awesome.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Uncle Pat Visit And Troublesome Fireworks.

6:24 a.m. I had a series of odd dreams which I don't feel much like discussing. I was hoping to visit my Uncle Pat today at the prison BUT Jen sprained her ankle (don't ask how, I don't know) and may need me here to babysit instead. Harmony leapt out of bed after I went the bathroom, calling "Mama! Mama!" lol. So now she's awake this early. I couldn't go back to sleep so now I'm up, too. I just wanted to write this. P.S. The kids and I used the flash light on April's phone to do some really fun shadow puppets, lol.

3:21 p.m. I got a lot to say. I slept a couple more hours before Grandpa and I left. Before leaving the neighborhood, we spotted some scrap metal bed parts but Grandpa was sure they'd be gone by the time we got back. We got there and waited a long while in the hot morning sun before getting in. As usual, there is the one person chatting up the bored people nearby, there are those whispering about who will get turned away for poor dress code, and those getting turned away for poor dress code.

Their rules were a bit strange. Like these two men in white t-shirts with white tanks were approached by an officer and told and turned away, before they were going in to find out, that the shirts must have a graphic and/or a pocket. Other rules of visiting include: Having only one key, a clear bag or purse with your necessary belongings in it, max 50 dollars being carried per person, wear loose fitting pants, no hats, no tight t-shirts and probably more....

Then when you go in, you type an ID number and a hand scan (which was glitchy today) and I had to retake my photo. Grandpa had his paper card, with an ID number in pen, for all ten years. It was a mess and torn all over the edges. Meanwhile, mine was one which was lost and replaced several times.

 Anyway, after finally making it inside, I took off my Cross necklace before heading into the metal detector and got through cleanly. Then there was a pat down which only took a minute. Grandpa predicted all the shady tables by now would be taken, and he was right. After we made it outside in the visiting area, he got the food while I secured a hot table...then greeted Uncle Pat. We took a seat from one table, no shade, to another with barely any more shade.

We were there from around 9 a.m. ish to 2 p.m. and we just chatted...after finding a shady spot with another inmate and his guest (an older woman.) As usual, Uncle Pat offered his advice for my life, which is not bad stuff I'll say. Getting a grant and going back to school, how to get the pizza guy to come to our house (even as far as calling corporate to complain), me learning to drive, me getting a moped, convincing my Mom to let me take a cruise (yes, even that one)

In a random moment, some smaller black birds were ganging up on this poor pigeon in a tree. They'd peck at it and small downy feathers would trickle from the tree. All of them squaking. Finally the brave pigeon took off with a couple birds behind it.

I ate a sausage mcmuffin on the way there (they've seriously lessened how much is on their options on the breakfast dollar menu.) There was a sausage mcmuffin, sausage biscuit, hash brown and one other thing on the dollar menu, that's it. Then at the prison I had a few bottles of water and a small bag of jalepeno cheetos. And a piece of nutty butty. We can say for sure this 'lifestyle change' is officially off.

My favorite screenshot from the fireworks video.
There were periods of long silence where we just ran out of things to discuss. That was okay because it went the same for other inmates as well. (or as far as I knew, the ones we sat outside with, in the shade.)

Uncle Pat told me to try to get Dad to talk to him again (because it had been so long) and that he was peeved at him for various reasons which I will not detail here. Tell Mom to reroute his magazine subscriptions to the new prison address. Also to tell her to make a way for Zackary to visit by getting him a form. He was going to ask me to do something for him online but I honestly told him I am without internet this week and by the time the week comes, there is a chance I will have forgotten.

I also asked intimate questions about what prison life is like. He talked about how tedious he is about keeping his cell clean, needing to have a cell to himself (no smoking, no people hanging out in his room, no room mate) He doesn't want to draw attention to himself, which is a good idea. It is unfortunate that he says he says he'll just end up right back in prison (his sentence ends like near the end of December this year) because he won't be honoring his parole.

He also discussed the lost things, material things like car parts and various expensive high-power tools, thousands of dollars worth, while he was locked up and what he intends to do about that once he gets out. Where he plans to live, what he plans to do, etc. So yeah, it was a lot of chatter.

It was just a 40ish minute normal drive home. My mp3 player died and Grandpa let me use his car charger which worked, after a bit of wiggling. I have big headphones (possibly meant for those 90's computers) that don't get much sound out of my mp3 player, however.

When we were nearly home, the scrap metal was still there so Grandpa loaded it in the trunk. There was a kids playskool easel (broken) and a broken side table, and other things as well, but we didn't pick those up. Just a small tv, dvd/vhs players and sound systems (not speakers) and a metal blue frame to a bed. We were both surprised that by almost 3 p.m. nobody picked it up because there are other scrappers in the neighborhood.

Mom went to Joe's parents and Jen is watching her kids in her room. Mom says her ankle is well enough so it's alright. I laid down in Aaliyah's room, by the air conditioning, several times before having a pizza slice (removing the blackolives) and sitting to write this entry. That is all for now. It's 3:45 p.m. in the BLAZING hot Florida afternoon. Jesus rejoices.

7:25 p.m. I just got up from a much needed, long nap. Mom is home, in her room. Don't know where Joe, Grandpa, or Zack is. Harmony was mysteriously screaming so I gave her some cold milk, (seems to have calmed her down significantly) which she just spilled near where I am sitting on the couch. Aaliyah is somewhere...possibly outside where Zack's friend is blowing off fireworks or something. I'm still tired. I needed a day off and feel like I got pretty much the whole day off now that it's evening, which is nice.

I still have to re-send Jen the link to the book I wanted, though not sure when she'd order it. She said she'd check Books a Million in store to see if they have it. Again, I'll have to find the name of the book because as much as I want it, I forgot the name as well. Besides, getting it may be a while, she injured her ankle after all.

I'm yawning, and possibly stinky, (I'm in desperate need of a shower) and on duty since everyone else mercifully took over for me today. Jesus rejoices.

9:56 p.m. I played with the kids. Then, made a macaroni and hot dogs dinner. After I made some dinner for the kids, we went outside to catch the Father's Day fireworks show going on in our backyard. I shamefully forgot to call Dad today. I know I'll be hearing about it later. Anyway, we tried to get Harmony to participate but it frightened her too much. Aaliyah stuck around a while then went inside once it got too dark. I shot several Instagram videos. :) Aside from the mosquitos (which I wore a jacket for) this was not, by any means, a bad night.

I know I have to be up early in the morning with the kids. Pray for me. I know by the time this hits the web it should be over with but this may as well be a note to from my future self to my past self while this is the present as I write this..if that makes sense.

Oh dear, we got the police called on us. I meant it when I said it was a fireworks 'show' and this is a small, quiet, suburban neighborhood. Zackary came ducking quickly through the living room whispering 'The cops are here. The cops are here.' We weren't the only house shooting them off on this block but still..I can see why it would bother people. It was LOUD!

10:02 p.m. I just got up and answered the door but I didn't want to say anything I shouldn't so I passed it on to Jen, who passed it on to Mom.

10:06 p.m. Situation handled. Zack came over while I was writing and I didn't want this part shared so I went back to the beginning and read/edited some things. Hoping everything is alright. As for me, I'm praising God and heading to bed soon. I lost the gallon ziploc which protected my computer, unfortunately. I'll just have to take my chances. Oh!! And I just had a cool shower and dressed as well, which is great because I desperately needed one.

To see the fireworks videos, chack out my instagram @ chelsmith18.

Saturday, June 20, 2015

Babysitting and End Lifestyle Change.

9:56 a.m. I went to bed sometime past ten last night so I got a good amount of sleep. I had some dream about a girl's friend who became a ghost and followed her around, helping her and stuff, unknown to her parents until they are tragically shot by a criminal and then become ghosts themselves. The ghost protected the daughter from harm and the last thing I recall is her jumping out of the car and running down a highway full of cars stopped in traffic.

Later that night...
I made the kids some turkey bacon this morning. Not the tastiest thing in the world, which is why even Harmony lost interest in it after a few bites, and Aaliyah is eating it nonchalantly. I asked Jen for some headache pills and those vitamins she was talking about earlier but she was just having some alone time outside so I have to wait. She'll get around to it when she gets to it. I've had a 'lingering' headache. It's not a full headache but it's a very slight dull pain now and then like there's threatening to be one, like a low rumbling thunder before a storm.

Zack's friend is playing GTA. It's otherwise a quiet morning. Harmony is bubbly and Aaliyah is actually sitting in one place, kicking her legs playfully, and chilling out.

I woke up surprised to find myself still skinny despite the horrible way I've been treating my diet. Several days of pasta and pizza and two pepsi's. I don't even have fruits of vegetables since the first day I got here, I had a little spinach to use and the rest was on
it's last legs. I shared my apples. Those are gone. I have tortillas, my lean turkey, cheese, (meat and cheese will be gone after today) and some feta (which has gone unused) and pepperoni. I tried several pieces of turkey bacon and now I have the hiccups. I haven't had hiccups in ages, lol. More soon. God bless, Jesus died, rose, lives, saves. As always, later homies.

11:48 a.m. Well, I'm exhausted. I just got done playing outside in the water hose with the kids (who got very, very muddy) and once again, it would have been a photo opportunity had the phone not died. I just got back from laying down a good while in front of a
I want a hard print of this one day. So vintage looking.
window unit air conditioner. I think I forgot to bring an actual charger and am now charging it on my netbook, which is doing so VERY VERY slowly....

12:44 p.m. Played a good amount of Solitaire. I'm about to get a break from the kids while Jen takes them to Mema's house. I'm staying here of course, quite happily. Still haven't spent much time with Mom. Not sure how much of a 'people' mood she is in anyway. lol.

4:11 p.m. They left several hours ago. For a while, Zack and his friend played GTA, then I hung out in the living room with Mom. She went to lay down with a  headache, I eventually went to Aaliyah's room until Grandpa brought new magazines. Then I read through them before finishing them off (Two issues of Bloomberg's Business Week) in Mom's room, as she slept, after the guys left. Now I got an odd pizza craving even though we've been eating pizza for two nights now.

EDIT: Funnily enough, they showed up with pizza later. I played a little driving on GTA, lol. Zack and some of his friends went to the mudhole. Jen went on a date and I babysat until 10:30ish before Harmony, Aaliyah, and I all went to sleep in the same bed.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Trip To The Creek. Soda Fast Ends.

9:40 a.m. I was awaken in the early morning hours as Jen was going to work. She set Harmony with a comforter on the linoleum floor to sleep, along with a sippy cup.. After she left, and ten minutes passed, I decided I couldn't let her take the floor while Aaliyah and I shared this cushy mattress by the air conditioning. So, I plopped Harmony next to her and I moved to the opposite end of the bed so I could fit better.

It was peaceful. By then the headache was gone, and after dreaming and when the sun was up, I laid there in the silence. The neat thing was they were both pretty much awake too, just laying silently in wait for the next person to wake...so they feel like they can get up and not be alone. Harmony, two years old mind you, was laying flat on her back looking up at the ceiling with wide open eyes, silent before looking at me. She sat up and smiled wide. I sat up and told her, "Give me a kiss." I gave her one. Then Aaliyah sat up, sleepily, and said, "I want a kiss." I giggled and gave her a kiss and that was how the morning began. I gave them Apples and water for breakfast, I started my laundry, and we lightly played outside.

Jen locked the door and left clothes and diapers and wipes on the table, but no shoes. I couldn't carry her long on our walk. Now Aaliyah is drawing, singing. Harmony is periodically having a fit with her (except right now she has a water bottle and is zipping it inside a plastic bag.) This is what childhood is like not being glued to an iPad, America. Real activities.

Also, there is a fly plague in the house (there were in previous years, nothing shocking, as it happened in my old journals.) it's Summer. Keep this between us though. It's nothing embarassing. We didn't ask for it. It just happened this way. Downside is I got a half dozen flies around me as I type this and I need a morning shower since I missed the night one. I need someone who can watch the kids first before I go do that.

12:02 p.m. Spent some time drawing amidst the 'fly plague' and I'm making lunch for the kids and drying my laundry. Z is playing GTA.

2:40 p.m. We had lunch, and made a very long, very very hot walk in 90 plus degree Florida weather to the creek. Zackary was worried about me because he said I looked like I was about to pass out. We, being, me, Zackary, Harmony, Aaliyah, and the dog, Skyla went there. We stopped halfway to rest in the shade and gave Skyla water. Later, Just before the entrance to the woods, Skyla could go no more (plopping on the ground and refusing to move) so we pushed him on and endured. Of course, we were all elated when we got to the creek. Harmony went from being scared of it, to going so deep I had to keep stopping her. There was a high current in the low water so my priority was keeping her safe. Aaliyah played in the mud and dug a large hole. Didn't swim much. Zack played with a couple of friends who were already there, on bikes and a broken go-cart. When it began to storm, I got her ready to go.

To my surprise, Grandpa was there as we were leaving. Though Zackary told Joe where we were going, Grandpa didn't know. He was just curious where went that had us gone so long. At least an hour and a half had passed by this time. Thank God he was though, sparing us a walk back through a pending storm.

Jen left me no shoes for Harmony because her room was locked so we took turns carrying her, and the bag of water, and Skyla, the whole trip. Harmony soaked one diaper and was naked the last half of the swim. I had just gotten a fresh one on her before we were leaving.

To my great dismay, I did not get pictures because the phone broke...in the sense that the touch screen mostly quit working. So stuff touched and some wouldn't.

2:57 p.m. It's only day two and I need a serious break. Aaliyah gave me a hard time about getting a bath so I just gave up. At this point, I need a good couple hours of alone time. Or silence. Whichever comes first.

3:58 p.m. Harmony is in bed. Aaliyah is calm and I'm feeling better. :) Zackary came out with the same Marilyn Monroe fleece blanket I left here months earlier. Also, my soda fast broke. Zackary offered me it after buying it for me, from the store, so I thought it would be rude to turn it down. I just asked that we get something for a headache or migraine that will no doubt happen again from drinking just one can. Sugar high!!

8:24 p.m. Soda is so cold in a hot house. I'm so sorry. I hope to give it up after I get air conditioning but water just isn't cold enough. Not immediately. I taught Aaliyah to play pinball on my computer. Before that, we were just lying about. After she woke, I let Harmony play in the hose some time after she woke. We filled up a 'pool' for the kids earleir with a gray tarp and an old blue car bed. Twice. Once by the steps, then near a bonfire to keep bugs away. Now they are in the bath and I had the best shower I have desperately needed. Harmony is out of diapers and has been naked for the past few hours lol. I miss home. Eight days to go and it's not getting easier yet but I will get days worth of rest then, I hope.

It is the weekend. The fly plague is on, the sink full of dishes (and filled to the literal brim of dirty sink water) The kids have messed up the house, it's loud. Zack's male friend brought back a lot of dreaded languarge vulgarity I thought was gone when those other guys moved out, unfortunately. Some people just have no respect of thier language around children. But I forgive. All of it. I just had to let that out. By the way, he helped fill the pool earlier so thank God for that.

So far since I've been here, Aaliyah has told me so many times that she wants to be like me. An artist, who draws from magazines and glues them in her sketchbook (she even went so far as to make her own and she's been filling it up) and be a writer, like me, sitting at the laptop and clacking away words on the keyboard. Today has been a much needed kind of day, I've been aching to swim for months and months during this hot summer and I finally got it. ^^ Best part of the day. P.S. Zackary is turning into such an artist that I was impressed. He had perfect proportions and symmetry unlike anything I could do with this Cross he drew (in a tattoo sort of style) so that was cool.

I assume Mom and Joe went out earlier. I only saw her once tonight and then not again, lol. Now I'm just waiting for Jen to get home because I LOOK as tired as I am after this long, hot, stressful, sugary, and exciting, day. Amen! Jesus rejoices.

9:05 p.m. It's been a pizza/pasta kind of week. Ordering pizza right now...Zack's friend is, which is kind of him. One of them is bacon with black olive but the olives won't be a problem to pick off, lol.

9:15 p.m. Praise the Lord. Jen is home now. Aaliyah is playing a mobile game now that it's NOT broken (and I won't have to break the news to April.) my only discomfort is the excessive violence and profanity from the GTA game Zack and his friend are playing. Chelsea out.

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