Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When God Sends You a Message

4:38 p.m. I went to bed around sunrise, having hung out with April and Rob watching Good Eats, Shark Tank, and Whose Line Is It Anyway. I got up sometime past 2 p.m. I did not do any more art. In fact, I think I got carpal tunnel from hours of artwork on the computer, all week. My wrist hurt so much just to lift the a frozen pizza from last night, which by the way, amusingly had all the pizza slices to one side.

I neglected to mention, yesterday, that I randomly searched on Google for the interiors of Titanic, books about it, what's inside the rest of the 'This Fabulous Century' books and I got all excited. Old photographs still excite me because I look at them, wondering what that moment, in a world of color and movement and sound, must have been like. You should try it because it makes them that much more interesting.

My favorites have crowds, or anything with more than three people in it. Their lives must have had incredible stories, long gone. Part of me wishes they weren't so anonymous so I coule even do a little research via, or if famous enough, Wikipedia as well.

Last night, I dreamt I was auditioning for this male designer to be a fashion model, and we had to wear stilettos for the first time and audition in them. My game was not strong. I was wobbly, my posture wasn't straight enough and I was awkward in trying to keep my eyes forward.

The models silently judged me and I went off to the sidelines with a large plate of food, with April, and put myself down. It was not a pleasant dream but I remember it, so I wrote it.

Today, I read another chapter of The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and I'm nearly finished with this amazing book, making me wish it was based on a true story and people lake that actually existed.

I have a lot to say today. It must be that time to clear the air, even about old matters. But first, Donny visited several times today. We started locking our porch screen door, to send a message that we were asleep (and I told him this) and it also means not to knock, as he has been moving to the front door to do so, but he has knocked several times after today...I didn't bother locking the porch door again, though April is sleeping.

Anyway, he came by to remind me to take Mrs. M her mail, then I asked if he would do it. He did, then later came back and asked if I was going to Church on Sunday (today is Wednesday) and he said I have to be at Mrs. M's house by 6:30 a.m. or I can't go.

He wanted me to decide, on the spot, what my decision was so he can go back and tell Mrs. M and all I could wonder is if I will be spending Saturday staying up until early morning hours as I have been doing lately...and I didn't want to lie and say I would go if I wasn't sure I could make it. So, I told him I wasn't, since it was an 'on the spot' decision. If I change my mind and decide to go, I'll know then and go. -Deep breath-

He stopped by again to tell me something he was upset about, and that if it keeps up, he will move somewhere upstate.

He stopped by again later, to say the new neighbor, who moved into Barb's old house, has told him to stop checking people's mail (as we've grown accustomed to since we moved here back in September) and he was upset about it. Not sure if he'll really stop or not.

God, writing this all out shows me just how much he's been here today...most of which was after I let him know about the 'sleeping' rule. I'm not angry, certainly....this is just unusual for the average person and I have to accept that.

On another subject, I was having a jealousy issue last night and I need to write it, though it's long over, and get it out of my head. It was around 6 p.m. and I REALLY wanted to make chicken..then April said no, she would make it, because she has wanted to make it all month. She doesn't realize it, but she does this thing where she thinks about something so much, so long, and so hard that she swears up and down she has mentioned it (even saying it was repeated many times over, as if we don't listen) but there was not a syllable about it. I would know because I have to start listening intently with her, every word, to know when she has mentioned something or not.

I asked if she could make it right away, as that's what I was going to, and she did..though she forwned while agreeing to.

I sat on the laptop, going back to my art and pouting inwardly, as I listened to her sigh (not in a good way) as she cooked. Reason being, for my jealousy, was that it was not a chore to me. It certainly seems like it to everyone else, because I do it so often that it seems like 'I'm forced to do it since no one else will' but cooking is my thing, it's my moment to break away and destress. Cooking DE-STRESSES me. I get in my element, with my music. I dance, smile, sing, and laugh. It's, aside from walking and laying in bed daydreaming to music, one of my most therapeutic methods and cooking is something I genuinely look forward to with great anticipation. So, to have that opportunity taken away from me, just so someone can sigh about it made me unhappy.

Now, let's be fair. I have to share the responsibilities in the house and I can't just hoard one to myself, even one I enjoy. April got on to me with the same thing about washing all the dishes when someone else could have shared the responsibility. That thought put my mind at ease and I was able to let the jealousy go. Share. Give someone else a chance. It's the way things need to be.

And even if she didn't think so, due to old flour from Barb's old house, her chicken came out absolutely PERFECT! So much better than mine would have (I actually only recently stopped burning mine to a black crisp) I didn't say I was a great cook, I just love it too much. I feel better now that I let that whole thing out. Hence the title of the post, I guess.

5:29 p.m. The entry took nearly an hour to write and several minutes to read. I forgot to mention that I ACTUALLY went out for a walk in the sun today. I needed it, let's face it. Bad. I've been in all week, maybe more, drawing and whatnot. As well as watching Modern Family and playing with a growing brood of five kittens.

I've so limited what I can do today that I let all this out on my blog post. I'm typing despite my hand being in an Ace bandage.

ANOTHER thing, now I don't know when my tax refund is coming  (or if it will be returned to sender like last year's fiasco) but I am DYING to take Rob and April out somewhere. For the first time, we can actually go out for a night and have a lot of something outside the house that is not obligatory.

April would probably never go for it, telling me to save my money. I can't force her to do it if she doesn't want to. BUT, mind you, the longer I go without doing it, the harder and longer I'll be left with it on my mind until it's actually done.

I was thinking something like Old Town, a movie, or bowling. The hard part is arranging transportation. Hard, but not impossible, It'll take planning. Maybe I could make it a I'm just getting myself excited. :D Wow.

6:00 p.m. I don't know why I have bad thoughts. I don't know why I let things get to me. I don't know why I repeat things in my head until I write them out.

April wanted to know what Donny wanted, and about Mrs. M's mail, she said she doesn't want me to let Donny do that anymore because she doesn't trust him to do it. She said that she heard 'from several people' that when he gets mad, he throws their mail away.

A few things come to mind. Again, I am sorry, this is where I vent.

  • Her signature habit of exaggeration. She heard this from me, who I alone heard from another neighbor. If she goes to chat with people, I'm usually along. So unless she heard this from multiple people on a rare occasion that I wasn't along, then no, she did not hear it from several people, at most it was from two..the neighbor and myself. EDIT: She heard from two people. Barb and myself.
  • She has a habit of taking control of things and declaring the end or beginning of something that happens around here. Her decision is practically law and we go with it, for sure, but I can't help to notice this fact. 
  • I do not disagree with the decision or her reason for the decision. It's just for the second reason above that I'm kinda like 'Why is this happening? Why can't we discuss something first, rather than declare and make it law?'
  • If I say something about that effect, again I do not disagree with her decision, it starts unnecessary argument and frustration or I just give in to what she wants to avoid such from happening. Inside, crawling into my little corner and silencing myself until the situation passes.
I am having way too many thoughts about her. She's done nothing wrong, it's not fair to her to have them. It's my own fault I don't say something to her face, she is just intimidating and I am wary of the consequences of doing it.

But God, this 'ruling the roost' power we've quietly handed over to her makes little things to put puts these 'above' thoughts in my mind whenever it comes down to her exerting 'said' power. I just wish everything was a group decision instead of a declaration, you know? Is that so much to ask?

Don't take this to mean I'm mad at her or frustrated with her. She didn't do anything wrong. I am just bearing inward frustrations that were already there and just need to get out of my head already.

6:18 p.m. It seems like almost everything I wrote about what happened yesterday and today, involving April, involves her exertion of control. No wonder this is on my mind.

6:21 p.m. I can forgive. It won't change the situation, but I need to take a deep breath, forgive, let it go and relax. Let life take it's course.

6:23 p.m. I fear I'm gonna bottle this up until it happens again, or it goes too far, and then it's all just gonna explode. That would be a horrible day.

7:48 p.m. I hate arguing in my head. There isn't a need for it. Anyway, my mood took a break and I had some fun making pasta and watching Modern Family. I also took the Ace bandage off my arm, now that it's feeling better. I caught Carlo sleeping on my messy dresser earlier. I wonder if he's still there.

8:07 p.m. Checked the AOL news and saw some awesome touching videos, like kids who could fins their mothers in a lineup, blondfolded, in Pandora ad to another involving an infant getting a hearing aid and hearing their mother for the first time.

Also, I've been thinking of doing a kind deep, like leaving a random note on someone's windshield or in a library book and saying the Gospel, spreading love, godly things and whatnot. Whoever may object, because I know how most in the world thinks, this verse will be in my heart: 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galatians 1:10 and it means more than you know.

10:38 p.m. I spent time listening to FM radio on my mp3 player, recording songs, and then trimming them in Audacity (once I downloaded it) and now they are saved to my mp3. Just like people who recorded mix tapes off the radio, right? I'm in a happy mood. Forget the bad stuff.

12:49 a.m. In my world, Midnight comes too easily. I just played with kittens, did the music thing. I watched a little of "Dark Side of the Moon" synced to Wizard of Oz and had dinner leftovers as I watched Modern Famiyl. All in all, it was a normal day. Carlo is still in my room. XD God bless, Jesus loves, Died,rose, lives, know the drill. Good night.

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