A Daily Diary: My Drunken Behavior.

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Sunday, March 29, 2015

My Drunken Behavior.

6:06 a.m. I very rarely drink. I can count one, maybe two other times I have drunk and that was as far back as when I lived at Mom's one or two years ago. But, I've never been as drunk as I was last night and never so embarrassingly so. Not even close. I'm not proud of it.

Everything I suppressed, except my one certain opinion about gay marriage, I bottled up from friends, came out. During that time, every wail and moan I ever bottled up inside my heart came out. So much confessions about my thoughts, genuine ones. I kept crying out, wailing without tears, "I'm SORRY!!!" to God.

My friends may or may not have known I was doing that to God, not them. They kept telling me it was okay. I shouting out, again to God, apologetically, "I'm EVIL!!!" for being drunk, and doing evil things even when sober. I was saying it all aloud and they kept telling me I wasn't.

My speech was loud and uncontrollably slurred, and I expressed shame about it. I had shame about a lot LOT of things. I had my share of laughs, but I was mostly ashamed of doing this to my body. I nearly vomited once.

I had the endless feeling, as if I were to spin around about fifty times and resist falling over.

Finally, because April realized I was such a sad drunk, she cut me off around Midnight and I stuck to water. She stuck by my side the whole night, held my hand, and comforted me as I poured my heart out throughout the night. I still prayed to God in my stupor, told myself the Gospel a few times, I still wanted to let God know I have Him on my mind even while I was doing this to myself completely on purpose.

I got sober pretty quick after being cut off...took two migraine pills with water before I could get any headache or hangover. I woke up in bed feeling sad....and heartburn. I tried listening to music.

By the way, what happened yesterday between my pre-drunk timestamp and my drunk timestamp was I read 'The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood' and then we went grocery shopping. I even got April two boxes of cake and frosting. :D It was afterwards we went to the liquor store, got the vodka, and came home and drank it. It started out mostly with one episode of the Walking Dead 'Coda' and we turned it into a drinking game and we just....kept drinking.

All the stuff I said happened. We watched Dumb and Dumber Two while I was winding down and feeling tired and later I went to bed.

Of the confessions I made, I told April that even though she didn't think so, I thought she was going to Heaven, and that I prayed for it a lot. She once told me when others say they are praying for her, it offended her because she thinks they are shaming her with it (Yes, she claims she is non-Christian) ...which is why I always hid that from her.

My friends, who don't tend to share my religious beliefs, kept comforting me in God and telling me He loved me and accepted me and just all these comforts of that sort that I don't normally hear aloud from anyone in my life...I didn't expect it from them either. For them to say the things they did, they must have believed it too, even somewhere in them, about themselves...right?

I told her if she knew the things I believed she might hate me and think I'm a bigot, because she's said this about other people who shared my beliefs (I'm a right-wing conservative, let's put it that way) and she said she would never do that. I'm not sure why I'm the only exception to the people she's angry at for those beliefs...she told me but I was too drunk to remember. But this was something I suppressed, all the times she made the left-wing advocacy Tumblr posts. I told her I hated abortion but I said nothing of gay marriage. I'm sorry God for keeping silent.

I remember this much, she kept saying, "It's okay. Those are your beliefs..."

Another thing was I kept telling them both was "I love you" which I don't say often either, and I was sounding totally drunk but I meant it like 1000 percent, and I was meaning it so much for the both of them. I stayed so close to them, much closer to them than I let myself when I'm sober.

Just...if I held a lot of me back before...it came OUT. I wanted to cry, but I did it without the tears. I just let out every moan during the shame. Laughed when something was funny. Stumbled a lot; undignified. The light bothered me REALLY bad.

I still felt my spirit in me, thinking my natural thoughts and feeling the natural instinct to tell myself it's okay, in my drunkenness I felt like my little spark of spirit I was looking to the whole night was the most normal part I had left in my stupor. And I kept moaning, "I just want to be ME!!!" and they would say "You are you." and pat me to comfort me. And meanwhile, I was meaning I wanted to be the me inside that was being her natural self, with my thought process and natural emotions, who knew in clarity about all the things I thought and felt....deep in my spirit. Not the slurred, stumbling, loud, VERY dizzy, wailing bodily me.

Again, I'm saying I've never in my life been so drunk and don't look forward to being that again. Right now, I'm laying up in bed, listening to easy music, with an inner depression that I thought writing this confession would cure but it hasn't.

My eyes feel just a bit heavy with shame at my behavior, which was totally out of character. My heart is low and depressed and I'm trying my best to make it better. What has to come out to change this? Perhaps I should write another one of my letters to God. I've been meaning to anyway since my mourning period over Jackie. Time to go one on one with Him and receive both Him and the Holy Spirit.

6:46 a.m. I'm just going over this post and adding and editing things. I don't think was a necessary life experience, but I learned from it nonetheless. At least it was completely in private, at home. I stayed out of trouble and the only one who remotely got hurt in the process, emotionally, was myself.

Another thing that brought shame upon myself was that I've been around drunken people before. There was a time where I lived with a very, very angry drunk and though there was never physical abuse there were a lot of terrible nights where I was left curled up, shaking and sobbing to myself. I've long since forgiven that person but me being drunk made me no better.

Drunk people make me naturally uncomfortable. I was around another drunk once who shared a sexual exploit with me and I was stuck in the car with her, being very uncomfortable, until God answered a prayer to just get me away from that. By the end of that night, her drunkedness led me to a bathroom stall where she was grabbing my locked door, and laughing something vulgar, and I was crying to myself and just wanting to go home. I forgive her, too. At least I had some comfort from Mom and her friends that night.

My roommates last night, however, were happy drunks, and unoffensive, but I think I would have shrunken away if I had stayed the sober one last night.

I just couldn't get past the fact that if I were the sober me, and had to spend time with some drunken double of myself, I wouldn't have been relaxed or comfortable with doing it...even though she wasn't doing those things mentioned above from past nightmares. I shouldn't get so drunk again.

8:29 a.m. I did the letter to God thing, which helped me Spiritually. I couldn't sleep. My stomach and intestines hurt.

11:38 a.m. April taught me to play Minecraft!! :D I took up a bit of time playing so I handed the reigns to her but I'm elated at the though of playing it again. We're also supposed to watch Clueless at some point, she has a note of it on her markerboard from last night, and I'm still amazed she had never seen the movie. It's like one of the most 1990's kind of 90's movie there is if that makes sense.

I feel better physically and emotionally now. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saves. Thanking Him for my life today, that's for sure.

1:07 p.m. There was a bonfire smoldering earlier and I went and played with it. Other than that, it's been hanging as usual in April's room. I am planning on watching the finale of Preacher's Daughters here in a moment. It doesn't look like there will be another season after this but I don't know...

1:54 p.m. So that was NOT the finale. AGGHH!!! I hope I get to see it and I hope it wasn't cancelled or something because OMG. Whwhhhuyyyyyyy? lol

2:21 p.m. SO! I'm getting laundry done as it just can't wait another day. April is making hamburgers with bacon and, I had to remind her, Checkers fries! :D Day is turning out fine. I still feel a little sick..perhaps it is a hangover just not the headache kind but it'll pass. I am quite used to having things happen and then gradually having to revert back to a normal life. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saved! See the sidebar. Bye!

2:31 p.m. Tried to see if Minecraft would work on 'Can You Run It' site and needed a Java update and blah blah blah I'm feeling more sick..not good. Been drinking plenty of apple juice though. Oi Vey.

4:00 p.m. My laundry is drying, I ate most of my food, and continued the Ya Ya's which I'm close to being half way done with. Now I just want a nap.

7:56 p.m. I just woke up some minutes ago from my nap. I may have delayed rest for 15 more minutes of fun after my last post but I still got my sleep. I got my laundry out the dryer and the cat in...and a real craving for apple juice. I've been drinking a lot of apple juice lately. Oi Vey.

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