A Daily Diary: March 2015


Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Shopping Day 101.

1:24 p.m. I woke about a half hour ago, after a long series of dreams which seemed oddly connected together. I didn't write them down otherwise there would be this long, complex story to give you. I longed for the beach or a even pool in a couple of them and in another I pushed a little gray button and went through a portal into a swirling dimension....only to wind up with a demon laying on me and putting pressure on my body. Not fun.

I have a lot of options opened for the afternoon. Walk, draw, read my book, CLEAN the house again especially, wash towels, Devotionals. My feet hurt so much last night but they seem to be better now, so that's good news. P.S. Just had hot dogs, cola, and chips. My stomach was hurting yet again, albeit temporarily.

2:11 p.m. It's gonna kill my feet but I'm getting ready for another day on the town.

6:15 p.m. I got to the thrift shop at 3 p.m. and it was closed. SO! I went to another and got Mommie Dearest to read, the the dollar store where I got ANOTHER bottle of Born Blonde hair dye for five bucks, a cloth shower curtain to hang before the hallway, and some hair clips. I also got at another store, a large frying pan, sparkling water, and a few small baskets for April's organization.

I also got a free book at the library and left at 4:30 p.m. I got home, after Rick picked me up along the way and dropped off the couch pillow we forgot in the back of his truck, around five and April told me we are doing a health overhaul so prayers answered there. I changed clothes, played a little Minecraft, and that was pretty much my whole day. My feet hurt and I seriously need a nap.

6:51 p.m. I had pizza rolls and ice cream and chatted up April. By now, I really AM ready for bed. I mean it, dude.

9:17 p.m. Got some tuna sandwiches and apple juice. Slept a little. Almost showered when April declared we have to go to Barb's to help her pack, as she's leaving for Georgia tomorrow. I declared I would after I finished eating. I feel a bit sunburnt and out of my head, slightly.

11:31 p.m. We got back from there, after packing and even kindly given some food to take home. I showered and attempted sleep...but I was itchy and not falling asleep enough. I kept thinking of a certain online friend, who inexplicably refuses to acknowledge or speak to me, but I hope all is well.

Monday, March 30, 2015

Dreams, Both in Sleep and Life.

1:07 p.m. Last night, I hung out with April until she finished off her Vodka. I did not, myself drink, but did enjoy some lovely videos with her on organizing. Ahhh, the beauty!! I could easily consider NOT writing today but I dream to JRM again, which obligates me to do it. The dream, kid you not, does not even make sense. P.S. Watched the Walking Dead finale this morning, had a few gasps, but it wasn't mind blowing to me. I've been up since around 11 a.m. and fed the cat..and I snacked. My stomach has been hurting again.

My health is in the toilet. Daily morning stomach aches and daily heartburn for the past two weeks. :/

Alright, so in this dream I only remember watching one of Hissy's (my cat's) kittens suckle on her mother and we, JRM and I, made ourselves REALLY super duper tiny, like the size of a flea and him even smaller and we tried to lead her on.

By the time we got to normal size, still trying to lead her, she became a spider.

Later, we were on my porch and she had become a large python...which I was wondering how he could hold her so non-chalantly without a fear of getting bit but he was completely comfortable. He took the python away and it was soon following him down my Mom's driveway, after which I cried "Watch out!" but again, didn't mind. He made it across the street to the yard across from us and I followed, observing some event going on down the street by the col de sac. I noticed a red phone box from England down there as well.

When I asked what was going on, I think he, or someone else, told me that it was some kind of family business. That's all I remember.

I had another dream where I celebrated passing my Senior year of high school, in some restaurant, and getting a hold of my Mom to tell her.

In ANOTHER dream, I went shopping and tried on some clothes, including this pretty red tiered halter top and other things. Then I got locked in after closing. I was later babysitting and tried to get ahold of my Mom, with my low phone minutes, and let her know why I never came home the night before. It took a few tries via calling and attempted texting before I could let her know. Meanwhile, I was babysitting some kids here...as if this was their home.

I next remember being in some bedroom and unpacking all sorts of things from full blankets and pillows to Barbie dolls, grouping them together, out of a backpack. And then I had to realize how I was going to get ALL of that back in there and couldn't see how I got it in, in the first place.

That's really all I remember. I am STILL telling myself I want to draw but I don't know what. I want to edit The Dream Doctor again at some point and I want to finish off my book. Exercise, too. I have goals, menial as they are. I got my fire blumaroo avatar today, so I'm happy about that. Adopted her out right after, right away. So praise the Lord, I got to make someone's day.

April and I didn't watch Clueless. I'm not gonna pressure her into it and if she doesn't want to watch, then it's not that fun anyway. She HAD to remind me it was once a television show though, like oh my God I forgot! That's it for now. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saved. Bye.

2:17 p.m. I know I was supposed to wait two weeks but I have to lose the yellow-orange blonde hair. I just busted open the Revlon Colorsilk in Ultra Light Sun Blonde and I'm putting it through a 45-minute strand test. Last time, my strand test yielded darker results than what resulted in my actual hair but I'm still hoping for a success.

2:34 p.m. Just used my phone minutes to talk to Dad lol. All of them.

2:43 p.m. Dad called on Facebook, which is a new Skype type of thing...I told him to get Skype but he's reluctant. Still it was great talking to him again.

3:26 p.m. I just got the dye in my hair. The strand test revealed that it went only one or two small shades lighter than my hair was..when damp the difference was barely noticeable..but when dry it's definitely blonder, especially when compared with the result of the strand test from the first dye bottle around last week. I may leave it in longer, to go lighter, and we'll see what results then....in the meantime, I should amuse myself somehow. P.S. It also itches a bit, but no more than what lice shampoo did months back, so I can take it for the next hour like a champ.

4:43 p.m. Okay, so there was barely a change but it's not a total loss. It was only a three dollar box of hair dye anyway. So, it's still a yellow blonde...just a bit less orange. I'm glad it's over with.

5:28 p.m. I watched some Youtube videos, April made us hot dogs, and Rob mourned that we just lost a few pounds of raw beef after accidentally leaving it out for two days. MEANWHILE I've started the first three chocolate layers of what will be April's very tall chocolate and vanilla BELATED birthday cake in the oven. This should be something very, very special. God bless, Jesus Loves, Lives, Saves, homies. That is all for now.

6:13 p.m. Next step, with April's help, the vanilla tiers have gone in and I can't wait. I saw the vanilla batter and couldn't help but notice that it was the exact same shade as my hair is now. Who knew trying to go from natural dark brown to blonde could be so hard?!

7:37 p.m. IT'S FINISHED! Sloppy yet successful. You would not find this on an episode of Cake Boss, for sure.

EDIT: We had pizza with pizza rolls on top, then watched Clueless and ate cake. April took a break form it to work on her project, and then frustrated over. I played on StumbleUpon until Rob and Jess were making whining noises back and forth and all I wanted to do was get away for quiet.

April came in my room a moment later to check on me, we shared out frustrations and went back to the movie, which April kept guessing parts coming up correctly (though she never saw the film) and afterwards, I headed to bed when it was close to midnight. Oh, and last night I played with the bonfire lol, yes another one.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

My Drunken Behavior.

6:06 a.m. I very rarely drink. I can count one, maybe two other times I have drunk and that was as far back as when I lived at Mom's one or two years ago. But, I've never been as drunk as I was last night and never so embarrassingly so. Not even close. I'm not proud of it.

Everything I suppressed, except my one certain opinion about gay marriage, I bottled up from friends, came out. During that time, every wail and moan I ever bottled up inside my heart came out. So much confessions about my thoughts, genuine ones. I kept crying out, wailing without tears, "I'm SORRY!!!" to God.

My friends may or may not have known I was doing that to God, not them. They kept telling me it was okay. I shouting out, again to God, apologetically, "I'm EVIL!!!" for being drunk, and doing evil things even when sober. I was saying it all aloud and they kept telling me I wasn't.

My speech was loud and uncontrollably slurred, and I expressed shame about it. I had shame about a lot LOT of things. I had my share of laughs, but I was mostly ashamed of doing this to my body. I nearly vomited once.

I had the endless feeling, as if I were to spin around about fifty times and resist falling over.

Finally, because April realized I was such a sad drunk, she cut me off around Midnight and I stuck to water. She stuck by my side the whole night, held my hand, and comforted me as I poured my heart out throughout the night. I still prayed to God in my stupor, told myself the Gospel a few times, I still wanted to let God know I have Him on my mind even while I was doing this to myself completely on purpose.

I got sober pretty quick after being cut off...took two migraine pills with water before I could get any headache or hangover. I woke up in bed feeling sad....and heartburn. I tried listening to music.

By the way, what happened yesterday between my pre-drunk timestamp and my drunk timestamp was I read 'The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood' and then we went grocery shopping. I even got April two boxes of cake and frosting. :D It was afterwards we went to the liquor store, got the vodka, and came home and drank it. It started out mostly with one episode of the Walking Dead 'Coda' and we turned it into a drinking game and we just....kept drinking.

All the stuff I said happened. We watched Dumb and Dumber Two while I was winding down and feeling tired and later I went to bed.

Of the confessions I made, I told April that even though she didn't think so, I thought she was going to Heaven, and that I prayed for it a lot. She once told me when others say they are praying for her, it offended her because she thinks they are shaming her with it (Yes, she claims she is non-Christian) ...which is why I always hid that from her.

My friends, who don't tend to share my religious beliefs, kept comforting me in God and telling me He loved me and accepted me and just all these comforts of that sort that I don't normally hear aloud from anyone in my life...I didn't expect it from them either. For them to say the things they did, they must have believed it too, even somewhere in them, about themselves...right?

I told her if she knew the things I believed she might hate me and think I'm a bigot, because she's said this about other people who shared my beliefs (I'm a right-wing conservative, let's put it that way) and she said she would never do that. I'm not sure why I'm the only exception to the people she's angry at for those beliefs...she told me but I was too drunk to remember. But this was something I suppressed, all the times she made the left-wing advocacy Tumblr posts. I told her I hated abortion but I said nothing of gay marriage. I'm sorry God for keeping silent.

I remember this much, she kept saying, "It's okay. Those are your beliefs..."

Another thing was I kept telling them both was "I love you" which I don't say often either, and I was sounding totally drunk but I meant it like 1000 percent, and I was meaning it so much for the both of them. I stayed so close to them, much closer to them than I let myself when I'm sober.

Just...if I held a lot of me back before...it came OUT. I wanted to cry, but I did it without the tears. I just let out every moan during the shame. Laughed when something was funny. Stumbled a lot; undignified. The light bothered me REALLY bad.

I still felt my spirit in me, thinking my natural thoughts and feeling the natural instinct to tell myself it's okay, in my drunkenness I felt like my little spark of spirit I was looking to the whole night was the most normal part I had left in my stupor. And I kept moaning, "I just want to be ME!!!" and they would say "You are you." and pat me to comfort me. And meanwhile, I was meaning I wanted to be the me inside that was being her natural self, with my thought process and natural emotions, who knew in clarity about all the things I thought and felt....deep in my spirit. Not the slurred, stumbling, loud, VERY dizzy, wailing bodily me.

Again, I'm saying I've never in my life been so drunk and don't look forward to being that again. Right now, I'm laying up in bed, listening to easy music, with an inner depression that I thought writing this confession would cure but it hasn't.

My eyes feel just a bit heavy with shame at my behavior, which was totally out of character. My heart is low and depressed and I'm trying my best to make it better. What has to come out to change this? Perhaps I should write another one of my letters to God. I've been meaning to anyway since my mourning period over Jackie. Time to go one on one with Him and receive both Him and the Holy Spirit.

6:46 a.m. I'm just going over this post and adding and editing things. I don't think was a necessary life experience, but I learned from it nonetheless. At least it was completely in private, at home. I stayed out of trouble and the only one who remotely got hurt in the process, emotionally, was myself.

Another thing that brought shame upon myself was that I've been around drunken people before. There was a time where I lived with a very, very angry drunk and though there was never physical abuse there were a lot of terrible nights where I was left curled up, shaking and sobbing to myself. I've long since forgiven that person but me being drunk made me no better.

Drunk people make me naturally uncomfortable. I was around another drunk once who shared a sexual exploit with me and I was stuck in the car with her, being very uncomfortable, until God answered a prayer to just get me away from that. By the end of that night, her drunkedness led me to a bathroom stall where she was grabbing my locked door, and laughing something vulgar, and I was crying to myself and just wanting to go home. I forgive her, too. At least I had some comfort from Mom and her friends that night.

My roommates last night, however, were happy drunks, and unoffensive, but I think I would have shrunken away if I had stayed the sober one last night.

I just couldn't get past the fact that if I were the sober me, and had to spend time with some drunken double of myself, I wouldn't have been relaxed or comfortable with doing it...even though she wasn't doing those things mentioned above from past nightmares. I shouldn't get so drunk again.

8:29 a.m. I did the letter to God thing, which helped me Spiritually. I couldn't sleep. My stomach and intestines hurt.

11:38 a.m. April taught me to play Minecraft!! :D I took up a bit of time playing so I handed the reigns to her but I'm elated at the though of playing it again. We're also supposed to watch Clueless at some point, she has a note of it on her markerboard from last night, and I'm still amazed she had never seen the movie. It's like one of the most 1990's kind of 90's movie there is if that makes sense.

I feel better physically and emotionally now. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saves. Thanking Him for my life today, that's for sure.

1:07 p.m. There was a bonfire smoldering earlier and I went and played with it. Other than that, it's been hanging as usual in April's room. I am planning on watching the finale of Preacher's Daughters here in a moment. It doesn't look like there will be another season after this but I don't know...

1:54 p.m. So that was NOT the finale. AGGHH!!! I hope I get to see it and I hope it wasn't cancelled or something because OMG. Whwhhhuyyyyyyy? lol

2:21 p.m. SO! I'm getting laundry done as it just can't wait another day. April is making hamburgers with bacon and, I had to remind her, Checkers fries! :D Day is turning out fine. I still feel a little sick..perhaps it is a hangover just not the headache kind but it'll pass. I am quite used to having things happen and then gradually having to revert back to a normal life. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saved! See the sidebar. Bye!

2:31 p.m. Tried to see if Minecraft would work on 'Can You Run It' site and needed a Java update and blah blah blah I'm feeling more sick..not good. Been drinking plenty of apple juice though. Oi Vey.

4:00 p.m. My laundry is drying, I ate most of my food, and continued the Ya Ya's which I'm close to being half way done with. Now I just want a nap.

7:56 p.m. I just woke up some minutes ago from my nap. I may have delayed rest for 15 more minutes of fun after my last post but I still got my sleep. I got my laundry out the dryer and the cat in...and a real craving for apple juice. I've been drinking a lot of apple juice lately. Oi Vey.

Saturday, March 28, 2015

A SLEW Of Dreams To Tell.

9:04 a.m. I just woke up and had a shower. I have quite a few dreams to tell. Some are long, some are brief in detail, and there are times where things get jumbled. I had a LOT of long dreams tonight so I have scraped together the bulk of what I can possibly recall.

The first dream occurred between 10 p.m. and 3 a.m. this morning. First off, I recall meeting a casting agent and he was trying to see if I would make a suitable actress. His little test was to have me stand in front of a mirror, and get ready really fast as if I was in a 'sped up' motion. I did and smiled through the whole thing.

The next thing I know, he's seated me at an indoor picnic table. A younger (Think 2005 era) Jonathan Rhys Meyers is strumming an electric guitar, minding his business, and seated at the other end from us. The agent went on to tell me, with raised eyebrows and a sigh, that I may need quite a but of work. And he was comparing my below average acting to the preferred skill of acting in Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

April puts a song on by him, I think one that doesn't exist but meant to infer to August Rush, and asks me to guess what color the guitar was, now on our dining room table, without looking. She said some wrong color and I said, "BLUE!" which it was, a light sky blue.  She laughed that I got it right, in a friendly manner of course.

 I went in and sat down and suggested to the agent that Jonny give me some lessons, after all 'he has a Golden Globe from the time he played Elvis' and the agent thought this was a fantastic idea.

The next thing I remember, I'm at a round table with Jonny and two other Irishmen and they were discussing something. Meanwhile, Jonny was working on a form for a DNA test because he had a brother and wanted to know if he was really related to him. Meanwhile, this long blue bar across the page begins to grow, I guess claiming it was a match. He, at this point, is affixing various stickers with personal information on it to sections of the paper, where it was required.

More people begin to arrive in the house and it starts to make me a bit uneasy, including the brother's thin redheaded short curly haired mother, about in her 40's. I am looking out at the night sky through a window as she discusses her tough childhood.

Then, the next thing I know, we are standing outside in a field by a chain linked fence. A couple beautiful lightning bolts struck the ground and everyone was in awe. I asked someone to get my camera out of the bag.

Then the bolts got worse and more frequent, and struck an electrical power plant a mile or more away from the field. Then it started a fire, which as if there was some line of oil or other spark, started running right towards us. We run towards the house, and by now a line in the ground was growing like embers and I thought it was going to split open, and split the house.

The dream ended there but in my seconds on waking I wanted it to have an ending. So I vividly made a scene where the DNA test was dropped on the ground and another mysterious hand snatched it up (I could only see them from the knees up as they ran away from the house) and that was that.

Upon waking, I wrote down bits and pieces of what I could recall, using short words to describe key scenes (brain dump notes) and April walked by, concerned because my door was open and I was suddenly up at 3 a.m. asked if I was okay. I was. :D I soon went back to bed and dreamt for the next five-plus hours. I know I had another dream not here that half-flashed for a moment but I knew I no longer recalled it.

I remember being at an abandoned building and sticking these two worms, which were hollow, rigged, and shaped like gray tubes...and they TALKED (sounding like Milton Mamet from the Walking Dead) And one of them actually floated above the tank and started excreting something, as if it were, ahem, pooping a string. I asked what it was doing and it told me it was reproducing.

I instantly thought it was a mistake to put the two worms in there and I tried to kill 'smother' them both with dish liquid. I then handed it to this guy, which actually may have been the Governor from the Walking Dead, and instructed him to take the tank outside and separate the two worms, when he asked why, I told him that if he doesn't, they will destroy both this building and the rest of the world. Cut me some slack, that's dreaming for you. Anyway, he obeyed. The worms did not die. The next thing I remember was getting everyone away as the entire building exploded.

I next remember being in a prison with a bunch of people, chatting. The cells were open and there were no guards...it was mostly women. This dream is blurry and hard to put in order of events but I'm going to try.

I next remember the other block being so filled with water that a male prisoner busted through the concrete wall and the people rejoiced, being able to connect with prisoners who previously weren't in a position to be as free as they were. Some however, we later learned, were still trapped in their cells.

There was some instance of JRM, looking about circa 2010, talking to some inmate through a hole in the wall but it was a blur.

I was flying throughout the prison and got to a section where people were mostly dead, or dying, and a few were even on morgue tables. Then they started twitching and waking up. I became annoyed because I did not want to deal with zombies in the dream. So there I am, flying around as people are waking and others are panicking, with an annoyed sigh and I fly out of the building.

I had another dream where I just went around a happy neighborhood and sang Gospel music in a beautiful singing voice I do not possess. I didn't want to wake up at all and at one point was bargaining with God not to wake up so I could keep going on like this. Happiest dream for sure.

In another dream, I met Hugh Hefner and he showed me a pageant, kinda like a catwalk, that he threw for a friend of his. I also attended one of his parties and I suppose there are elements of this dream I would prefer to forget.

There was one scene where I was trying to talk him out of the pornography industry and his face was painted in one entire mask of purple as he talked, with one hand curled against his cheek.

Another thing I remember, close to the time of this dream, I was in a classic theater and seeing Natalie Dormer arrive in a stunning yellow corset-bodiced dress (where the corset half wrapped around the waist.) The dress may have had red sleeves which were off the shoulder and it was in a ballgown fashion.

I squealed from the second I saw it on her from across the room. I asked to wear it and immediately, it was on me. I went to the center of the rounded stage, where there was a dressing mirror, and demanded a wedding ceremony to the dress. This is not a proud moment for me when I describe it. Let's just be clear on that.

In fact, though I didn't acknowledge it at the time, the woman in the reflection was not even ME. It was a thinner woman with red hair and lipstick, but at least she looked full of joy.

Anyway, I was asked in the vow if I would worship the dress. Automatically, 'I' turned around, bent over, and answered matter-of-factly, 'You must Worship the Lord your God and serve Him only.' And he said something else and I said something about the dress not being able to give orders. That's about all I can say about it. Some things happened that I choose to forget.

At the end of all these dreams, I am sitting somewhere, possibly by a fountain and checking these emails on a laptop I supposedly sent myself containing images, and titles, relating to previous dreams. I love that God made me the way I am. It's like my brain has a system for trying extra hard to make sure I remember these by reminding me of them, though sometimes imperfectly, while I'm still dreaming.

Anyway, I woke up at some point after and wrote down the key titles of these dreams, one or two words to help me remember, and then headed to a shower, where I went over what happened in my head.

But yup, those are the dreams. I seriously have to get laundry done today. Our water is back. Last night wasn't eventful. I just hung out with April until around 10 p.m. and that was it.

9:56 a.m. Now that I wrote these and gathered images of my celebrity cameos, I think I'm ready for a blogger break.

11:07 a.m. Crawls away from the internet to eat and read a book. The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. April, by the way, is now reading Incidents In The Life Of A Slave Girl.

7:47 a.m. I AM DRUNK WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!!!! For the first time in ages. It feels like that feeling of being dizzy and trying not to fall. I'm rarely drunk. We went grocery shopping and came back with vodka too..so I'm here...drunk typing and yeah. Still capable of correcting typos, obviously.

Friday, March 27, 2015

The Day Is Starting Out Well Enough.

11:49 a.m. I finished 'Incidents in the life of a Slave Girl' and happy to say it had a happy ending. No spoilers. I went through a couple magazines for drawing inspiration and finding very few things I wanted to use. I am feeling the strong urge to draw again...if it must be another face, so be it, every artist has their favorite I suppose. It mainly goes wrong if I, in any hint of a way, try to emulate someone else's art or technique.

I feel guilty for sending Donny away just as I got to the end of my book. God love him. I know it's wrong to think it, but he knocks on the door almost every day, mostly a few times a day and often in the fresh morning hours, for us to talk to him. Meanwhile, we are all thinking we just need a break from visitors. A part of me knows he does it because others might be turning him away and I am sorry.

His speech is very difficult to understand and it makes me anxious trying to conversate with him because my brain has to listen, and at the same time, decipher what he is saying (and often failing) and it is very trying to do...though no fault of his own. His voice is one where it takes frequent conversations to develop the skill of understanding his words. Even then, we are not experts at what he is saying.

Jennifer expressed confusion as to why we allow him to sleep on our lawn in the afternoon to wait for the mail, as he did before we moved here, and were told when we moved in. I didn't give her an explanation. I really only want to say we don't have heart to tell him not to, more so we've come to accept it and move on. It bothered her also that he's of the appearance of a homeless man.

I had to tell her he is NOT homeless, that he lives in a house in the neighboring area behind us, but she was not convinced...even though I've seen where he lives myself. It's even where he lends me his washer. Still, I don't exactly blame her because he wears very, very dirty clothes and looks...unbathed. There was one day where he sat talking to me and was nonchalantly flicking roaches off as they crawled on him. I don't want to seem rude and ask him why he looks like that, but he does. Not only that, who do you know that has a man who sleeps on their front lawn?

 Above all, I don't want to be ashamed of him being in our lives, especially in the way that he is. God must have brought this for a reason, you know.

I really just have to overcome my own origins, in a family comfortable in it's normality who questions anything that steps outside of the normal expectations of the world. It's part of my own troubles I had growing up. I've always been odd. Anyway, this all fills my mind and I had to let it off my chest. I mean nothing against him and he's very welcome in our lives. There are just times where we need a few days off from a visit if it's not too shameful to ask,

12:05 p.m. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. He's harmless, so let it be, I suppose. Of course. Beh. I am spent. I need to do laundry and need to develop the willpower to do so now that I'm nearly out of clothes.

Also, we have not had water for over twenty-four hours and there is still no explanation as to why. Rob couldn't get a hold of the landlord but if this goes on much longer, it could try our patience. I have not bathed, brushed my teeth, and I can only run soap on my hands but no water. We have a little bit of drinking water in the fridge...in a small water. I guess now would be a time, and after, to be thanking God for it. I obviously wasn't doing it enough before.

1:23 p.m. After looking up Harriet's life and other things on wiki, playing on Tumblr and neopets, I'm oddly enough in the mood for making music and fried chicken...still have to do laundry today, too.

2:44 p.m. Rob had to kindly remind me we have no water, therefore laundry is impossible. We did, however, work out a grocery list together. Today is a rainy stay-in day. A pipe burst, apparently, so they are working on the well now to get our water back. Thank you God for these blessings in Jesus Name, amen! God is able to do above all we ask or think.

Speaking of groceries, Cake is buy one, get one free which is perfect for April's birthday cake I'm eager to make her.

3:22 p.m. We just got the water back. Praise the LORD!!! I contemplated whether or not to do the laundry but it's been such a rainy day, I had to elect not. P.S. I'm COLD!!

3:55 p.m. I just went through my references and cut some collage pieces, and saved others for drawing. I WAS ready to draw but then Google distracted me, wanting me to download it's software removal tool and then not load and yada yada!! Need some background noise up to draw with. God bless, Jesus died, rose, saves!

6:39 p.m. Drawing made me anxious so I watched Clueless. I burnt some of the fired chicken, Rob made biscuits and he's going to make mashed potatoes. We planning on shopping tonight. April wasn't sure if she should go but Rob and I convinced her that we love having her there.

8:09 p.m. Food was done and we are hanging out. We are not going shopping tonight for reasons involving April's family that I would have no business typing out here.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

I Barely Know Where To Begin.

9:55 a.m. I've been up for a while now, since a little time after the sun came up. I had so many dreams that I'm not sure where to begin with them. I'll get the shorter, blurrier ones out of the way first and then move onto the longer ones.

In one scene, I was riding in an open carriage with Taylor Swift to the prom and we had these shiny 1980's shoulder sleeve puffed dresses, meanwhile as we went by we were calling and waving to fans.

Another dream had Kanye West and a young Puff Daddy together, happy as can be as friends. I can't recall too much of a plot.

I also must have had some small dream involving Harely Chapman aka the mini "Cara Delevingne"

And finally, the longer one. I was poolside and following a living bronze statue of a blind man in a suit, who was smiling, and HE was being led by an indian chief. They crossed the pool by walking on water.

Meanwhile, myself and others crossed the 'Split Sea Of Moses' which basically started like a bridge splitting the pool and led into an underground tunnel, like a manufactured cave. Some holes with plexiglass were carved out so you could peek at what looked like an ocean beneath it.

At the end, we reached this ladder made of thick tiki branches, glazed over in an artificial way. Then when we reached the top, there was a party going on. I saw someone passing around a red bottle of liquor and I thought I might like to have some.

Then there is this guy in a suit and he comes up and says, to the room, "Hi, I'm Jackie Carbone..." and happily pulls a thin fake moustache from his lip. He grinned like he just caught me in a sting operation and then looked away, letting out the most deafening HIGH pitch scream imaginable, which rang DIRECTLY into my ear, and I woke up. God woke me from it, I believe.

Shaking my head. ANOTHER demon dream. I have those a lot, obviously. But I spend my time praying afterwards so it's cool. I sleep with two Crosses and a Bible at my chest. After all, I've been having demon nightmares since I was thirteen years old. And this wasn't the only one I had tonight.

I was laying in bed, thinking I was awake, and talking about how I didn't believe I was hearing any voice of demon or satan. Then, if you know what a strobe light does, that's what the next FEELING was like...mostly in my brain. Meanwhile, some demon is hissing his words through the hum of my fan, which is also making noise patterns in screaming flashes, and I'm just cringing and clutching my head from all the terror going on. It's like the blare of a car alarm going off right next to your ear.

I snap out of it, of course...in one of those moments where I am lying in the exact same position as I was in the dream, as if what happened was real. Again, there were prayers. I don't know what's been up with the demon dreams the past two days but I am still assured of God's protection. They aren't able to do more than scare me in my dreams. God hasn't forsaken me.

I could go on forever with the religion thing but I just know what has been working and God is it. This is experience talking and whoever wants to believe it, can.

ANYWAY, today I watched a bit of Supernatural, the new episode. Played on Tumblr, Neopets, showered, and watched Hissy and her new kittens. I was nervous to cover so much of my dreams but it was easier than I thought.

Though I spent a lot of yesterday reading, I have seen around the house that there is a lot of mess to clean up. Not only that, one of my earbud cushions went missing yesterday. -_- Not fun. I hope I can fix that problem because cleaning to music is the best way to do it.

12:15 a.m. Well, the house is clean...aside from my bed and the dishes, which believe it or not, I've been told NOT to ever wash them all again because it is unfair to the other roommates who need to share the responsibility. I'm not mocking, I mean it. Or kidding. But no, no mocking. I get shared responsibility and whatnot. Anyway, I'm hoping to dive right back into reading again and I am just a hair closer to being in a drawing mood again, Praise Jesus! All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, amen! God is able!

12:19 p.m. Am I the only one who waits until they are alone to do catwalks down the hall to music. Combined with the dancing, it feels absolutely FABULOUS!

3:36 p.m. I read my book a long while and NOW I'm hanging out with April. Why does time always feel like 5 p.m. lately?

4:18 p.m. Still hanging out with April, who is playing TF2. I finished off four Oreos with milk earlier, and just recently a couple of tuna fish sandwiches.

I never shared my reaction to reading Harriet Jacobs book. I got the part where she is suffering her years hiding from her master in a tiny space in her Grandmother's house. Her small children don't even know where she is! And My heart shrank back at the graphic descriptions of tortures, horrifically likely considered the norm, of slaves she saw and heard. This story is really impacting my heart and I highly recommend this book, which is not a light and fun read but a courageous, frightening, and heart wrenching tale. I'm appalled at the lengths these people went, with pleasure enough to do it daily, to torture innocent slaves. Makes me want to cry reading it. Again, not a light hearted or fun read but I would suggest to anyone interested to check it out.

April has stopped playing TF2, lol.

5:30 p.m. April played a little of Portal 2 as I watched. Not much else to report here. Did have chips though, popcorn and cheetos..yum!

7:06 p.m. I have been hanging out with April...not doing much of note and really feeling the need for a brief nap. Totally up for deviled eggs or something at some point when the water comes back. God bless, Jesus died, Rose, Saved! See you much later, God willing. All in Jesus Name, Amen! Bye!

7:31 p.m. I tried to sleep, then I wanted to read. April left for a few hours so now is my chance to work on Seize to the most of my ability. God bless in Jesus Name, Amen! Meanwhile, I'm listening to Spotify.

9:12 p.m. Over an hour later, nearly two, and it is done, except for adding this incomplete entry to it. Praising God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, Amen! God is able!

10:31 p.m. April has since arrived home to share her many stones she got for her birthday and a pair of gaming headphones, which she can't get the microphone part to work, AND I tried to give her a pouch and in doing so found a few things I thought I lost: A FAKE DIAMOND (matching the one she bought me for Christmas) my old candle (my brother once burned it almost completely up in a sotrm) it was a birthday gift from her in my teenage years and my precious clear quartz Crystal I got from Old Town years ago. :D All of which up until now I had been wondering where it disappeared to. This video shows it, from 2010, when I just got it:

Praising and Thanking God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, Amen! God is able! P.S. SINCE we still have no water, I have to forgo a shower tonight. I already am desperate just to wash my hands but nonetheless, this is how it goes. Also, my book is still uploading, as April kindly allowed it. I am SO ready for bed very shortly so this has to be the end of my updates.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Yesterday, Reading, and April's Birthday.

7:35 a.m. Once again, I'm going back to cover yesterday, starting with some weird dreams I had. My stomach is kinda hurting,,,for some reason it does that lately when I eat in the morning. SO! Without further delay, since it's been on my mind to write these since yesterday (obligatory to myself) here goes:

In the first dream, I was riding down a brick tunnel when I saw a black figure of a man at the end, sitting in the chair, kinda like the dude on the cover on Blacklist. Except I recognized him immediately and kinda thought, 'Oh, it's gonna be one of THOSE dreams.' It was Jonathan Rhys Meyers, as Dracula. I thought he would be in the dream more, but that wasn't the case.

There was a museum at the end of the tunnel which I walked through, mainly featuring things from the 19th century like clothes. There was a book in a glass case but I can't remember what the book was. Likely, it had something to do with the show.

In another dream, a blonde Natalie Dormer, by my choice, is leading a yoga class in this floor to ceiling windowed building looking down on the city. For some reason, I thought of the name Grandma Nooners and laughed so much I thought it was going to wake me up.

Another dream I recall, also a blur, was a bunch of people on my Mom's porch, at night, and we were taking photos.

Not very detailed since these dreams happened yesterday or the night before that but if I remember more, I'll be sure to write it. Moving ON!

So! Yesterday. I got up early enough to make a second trip to the museum, this time to volunteer, plus I had twenty dollars to burn, so I went. On my way there, I was in socks and sandals and walking on the side of the road when a police officer pulled me over.

I was gracious and polite. I had nothing to hide. His first reason for pulling me over was to warn me that it was dangerous to walk alongside the road, though looking at my choice shoes he could see why I didn't want to walk in dewy grass.

The second reason he pulled me over was that I looked kinda young (and I had a backpack which I use to carry things on my long walks, it also had an umbrella sticking out of it) and wondered why I was not in school. I handed him my ID and let him look it over. He asked if I was new around here (I'd only lived in this town six months) He asked if I've ever been arrested before. Then he got a notepad and wanted to know my name, number, address, and all other identifying information.

This leads to the third reason he pulled me over, he didn't know me and had never seen me before. He took all this information down, he said, so that next time he saw me, he'd know it was me. Again, I was gracious and polite through this whole thing.

He asked if I had anything illegal on me, I told him no. Then he asked to search my bag, which had some magazines and an umbrella (because it looked like rain) smartphone (only for games, no service) my phone, and some skittles. Nothing to hide. After all that, he bid me a good day and let me go. I didn't mind it so much, I just found it very odd.

So I am careful to go my way to the museum and every white vehicle that suddenly passes catches my eye, because part of me wonders if it's the same cop.

I made it to the museum around 10:30 a.m. and announced my decision to volunteer. They were glad to have me but I have to say it was one of many quiet days there. The main task was waiting in an adjoining room to the entrance so we can greet everyone who entered, which we did.

I mentioned that I wanted to get to know more of the history behind the place, perhaps even to a point where I could help give tours and answer questions. One thing that helped with that is where I tagged along a tour with a couple and learned a few stories. The museum was only open until noon and time there went by kind of fast. I'd have to walk a long way to get there and there is no known transportation available to me right now.

After leaving, the door nearly got locked on me, lol, I went thrift shopping where I picked up a couple books...one of which I had donated after not wanting to read all the curse words "TDSYYS" but since I loved the movie, it had been on my mind to give it a second chance. Another book was non-fiction, my favorite, about the life of a slave. I am interested in Black History and their stories. It looked like an interesting read.

I also picked up two velvety sweatpants, one brown and one candy blue, and a long brown flowy print skirt. After that, I went to the dollar store and picked up two different brands of hair dye: Clairol Born Blonde Maxi ($10) and Revlon Colorsilk in Ultra Light Sun Blonde ($3) I planned to use the Born Blonde (with the full knowledge that my hair may be a bit orange or yellow afterwards) and then use the second hair dye a couple weeks later.

When I got home, exhausted, I rested. Then, I researched the two dyes online on Amazon (for reviews mostly) and Born Blonde's instructions. I first performed a 90-minute 'strand test' where I cut a 1/4 strip of hair, dye it in a little of the solution, and wait 90 minutes to see if I'd like the result...which I did. While I waited, I watched a Ken Burns Documentary on WWII and ate.

Then April gladly dyed my hair in the solution, only to forget one of the two packets of lightening powder that should have been mixed in..so we just through the powder straight on my head, so to speak. Then, I waited 90 minutes again, mostly watching her play Minecraft. I avoided looking at my hair the whole time...until after I washed it out when I left the shower.

My jaw dropped at the orange at first. My eyes needed a moment to adjust. I told myself to expect it and it took a few minutes not to mind it. Both of my roommates boosted my confidence though. They saw a lot less orange than what I was seeing. My hair, by now, is quite a yellowy blonde but if I give it a couple weeks and redye, I'm hoping for great results. One of the cats didn't recognize me though. XD

Once again, I went to bed at a normal hour. Just before midnight, I had this strange dream. The first majority of it started out where April had a demon, in the form of a blonde little girl with beady eyes, who liked to wail and scream in the darkness. This demon lived under her bed and I had grown afraid of it, before I took matters into my own hands and exorcised it. Maybe I'm wrong but it my memory, it became some sort of cartoony fish with giant beady eyes and flew out of the window into the night...rather peacefully. Anyway!

In the next part of the dream, I was texting April's boyfriend on her phone (which was in an anonymous chat fashion, such as the Whisper App) and I was wondering if he wanted to get to know me. April was cool with it.

The next thing I remember is we were walking in the woods at night and out of my control, I started flying and drifting away from her, and my subconscious was audibly insisting that it'd be cool to go hide in a tree, so we did.

April met up with her tall, handsome, muscular, shirtless boyfriend. He had dirty blonde hair down to his shoulders, a smile, and sparkling eyes.

Then she came around and nonchalantly pulled me out of the tree, telling me to come along. God forgive me for the next part, I'm Christian. He takes us aside and asks if we could sell some stuff for him. Thinking he looked the type, I asked "Like witchcraft stuff?" and he eagerly shook his head, and said "Yeah!" and I shook my head, letting him know he was asking the wrong person.

April however, announced she would be glad to and that was the last I recall of the dream. I got up and told her and she said it sounded realistic. Oi. That was at midnight and I dreamt since then, I just don't recall the dreams and what I do recall, I don't want to remember in the future.

I just know it was still heavily on my mind to get this stuff written down. I want to read my books today and since April is going to her parent's house for her birthday, I need to put the heavy amount of work into Part Seize. SO MANY pictures. It's going to be QUITE a day.

God bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saves. All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, amen! God is able!

8:46 a.m. Read over the entry and proof-read it. I'm up for catching up on my Tumblr feed before some Devotionals and morning reading. Toodles! God bless, homies!

9:17 a.m. With Neopets and Tumblr behind me, it's time to do something not related to the internet.

11:32 a.m. I've been reading The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood almost this whole time. I've gotten through the profanity alright, and it's a LOT different than the movie. A totally different level. But still a page turner. I had to make myself put the book down. XD The page was still marked to where I last left off before donating it but I started from the beginning with a fresh mind. That was a good idea.

Dad called to remind me that I haven't been calling him, I've been meaning to for days but my only excuse to him was the lack of minutes on my Safelink phone, which is true.

He's the only one who didn't exactly approve of my blonde hair, though I don't think he's ever been a big fan of anything unusual that I do. Which is fine. It's family. Love you Dad. :D

I'm eager to read my other book, Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl. It seems like it will be a real heart-wrencher.

11:46 a.m. Just for kicks, I read Amazon reviews of both books. A lot to look forward to.

12:20 p.m. I got caught up in watching Youtube videos with Rob, then I need a bathroom break. Still wishing to read Incidents of a Slave Girl soon. God bless, Jesus love, live, save homie. God is able!

3:18 p.m. After nearly three hours of reading, I needed to take a break. Part of me wants to do laundry but another part of me just wants a day off from labor considering yesterday's long walk, ya know what I mean? Anyway! Jesus rejoices. I hear those two words in my head a lot. 'Jesus rejoices.' Praise the Lord! I guess it's a good thing.

The book so far is, as I expected, particularly intense. It's a former slave's autobiography of her times as a slave, of course it's intense and sobering. The amount of abuse, the extent, she saw inflicted on herself and those she knew was unimaginable. A big part of me kept thinking that quite a few people then had to go before God when they died and explain why they did all these unspeakable things...if they didn't turn away from evil and repent before then, to hell they went. I don't say this to take away from the fact that the slaves suffered, certainly, and note the 'turning away' part required. Hang on.

It's a difficult subject. It was bad and wrong and unspeakable and horrible..all these other words that don't fully culminate what happened. I'm glad we aren't in such times anymore, though we are in a word that is falling back to racism and police brutality, which cannot be ignored. Still, being less educated on the matter, I think I'll stop there. Equality for all races!

8:25 p.m. Well, our cat Hissy just had kittens. From the moment it started, the Lord was putting it on my heart to name one...and possibly keep one. So with his blessing, of the five that were born, I hope He blesses it. I want to name it Minxy, a black one, but we shall see what the Lord has in store.

Also, Rick is asleep so April will be HERE tonight. I should expect to go to sleep soon since I'm feeling on the tired side. God bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saved. God is able!~!

9:24 p.m. I looked up Harriet on Wikipedia and had some tacos. Now, I just think I'm ready to go to sleep, you know?

EDIT: Last night, I did make time to go to sleep and saved my shower until the morning. God Bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saves. All Glory, Praise, Thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, Amen! God is able!

P.S. Jackie Kersten's memorial was today and she is, as always, an angel who is in my thoughts and prayers in Jesus Name, Amen.

Monday, March 23, 2015

About Mom's, The Funeral, and Life.

8:34 a.m. I'm back home by now. Yesterday I practically spent the whole day watching Netflix. At one point, DJ asked for gas and cigarettes (the cigs he had to push me a bit for) and I went with him and Trina..I think her name is...and got those and drinks for people at the house. Good thing I picked one up for myself. a Gatorade, because Jen got me a Pepsi earlier, which I had some sips out of, and it was stolen by the time I got back. Yes, people living there will take a 'used' drink. I was a bit grumbly about it but I accepted my other drink instead and Maranda also gave me her Pepsi on top of it. :D

It took 20-something out of my bank account total but I got 20 back when Mom returned that night. PLUS all of a sudden everyone had gifts for me. Mom got me a Marilyn Monroe themed magazine, only to find Jen had the same one to give me (just put up somewhere) but I thanked them both. DJ and Maranda had a large picture in a frame of a pastel landscape and they were hoping I'd paint over it, the canvas. I was elated as it was..to leave it that way..but they REALLY wanted me to paint it, lol. Sadly, it was so big it couldn't fit in the car so I had to leave it behind.

When I got home, I went straight to my room and went to bed until this morning. Being at Mom's not only helped my grief but put me, for a couple days, on a NORMAL sleep schedule of going to bed at night and waking up during the day.

Speaking of this morning, Carlo spent a LONG time meowing in my room, and no one else's I think, as I slept in bed AND dreamt. I finally got up and let him in. I was almost in the mood to cook some food, with headphones making me dance, but I realized I wasn't quite that hungry. Nonetheless, I am living my life again and being normal. This is the stage I should be in.

Most importantly to mention, the funeral was NOT this weekend, but it's on Wednesday. They are going to have a party celebrating her beautiful life. Since it was impossible for them to pick me up at home and drop me off, with everyone's work
schedules, I elected to not go.

R.I.P. Jackie Kersten. 1995-2015
I have grieved privately, and even a  bit openly. And honored her memory that way and more. I don't feel the need to go. The only thing I'm missing out on the most is seeing those members of her family I rarely see nowadays these past few years but I hope I'll be there in spirit.

God Bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saved. All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, Amen! P.S. I've had Selena Gomez's song "The Heart Wants What It Wants" in my head lol. It's 8:48 a.m. in the morning.

10:44 a.m. God rest Jackie Lucille Kersten. :) I just finished eating and whatnot. I forgot The Walking Dead aired last night so I caught the new episode. Meanwhile, I made a sound recording of the rain which was lovely and praised God. The kitchen got cleaned a little. I've been re-considering watching The Preachers Daughter and hopefully it will be more than what it appears to have turned into. It's quiet, which is nice, around here. April and Rob are still in bed...

2:45 p.m. I watched some of the show and mostly have been hanging out with April. We made pizza with real bacon on it! It was awesome! We've been talking a lot about my personal issues and griefs, not Jackie related, but about home. I was sorry to do it, because I don't like bringing up bad stuff and I don't feel like I'm forgiving it as I should. At the same time, I needed to let it out, you know?

5:56 p.m. After the show, I was browsing the net and Tumblr. We all chipped in on a breakfast for dinnertime: Biscuits, eggs, and gravy with hamburger. We each had our jobs. April on eggs and gravy, Rob on homemade (scratch) biscuits, and I on hamburger. On top of that, I made a banana milkshake. Bit frothy but yummy. Thankful to God for these blessings and I sent out a prayer request to CBN today after getting a letter in the mail from them. Love them. God bless their Ministry in Jesus Name, amen! God is able to do above all we ask or think.

My friends have been asking a lot about how I feel lately and it's been really touching that they check up on my so much. They even got my favorite white cheddar popcorn to make me feel better while I was gone. So thankful to God. I need these people in my life. I'm doing great. He sent them to get me through this and make me heal. In Jesus Name, Amen! They may never know what a blessing they are.

9:34 p.m. So I finally finished my show. It has one episode left which has not aired yet. I don't know if there will be a fourth season but I was shaking my head a lot, praying a lot, and whatnot. Found a charity link of someone who could really use a blessing if you would check it out (or me in the future) http://missionteamimpact.com/

So there! God bless. Jesus Died, Rose, Saved. He loves us and forgave us! Amen in Jesus Name! God is able! P.S. Really hoping to continue making letters to God and that I won't give them up, even as I pass my mourning stage, because it's been really helping me FEEL my relationship with him, you know?

Anyway, I want to ATTEMPT a normal sleep schedule so I'm heading to bed soon, until morning, God Willing, and hopefully all will be well with me in Jesus Name, Amen! I pray! God is able to do above all we ask or think!

Oh! and I had this really weird dream last night.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Acceptance and Moving On.

11:09 a.m. I've spent the past couple days crying less and less, and sleeping a little easier. I miss her. Rob was glad I finally ate something and reminded me that it's okay to grieve, but not to let it stop me from living my life. I've come to God with a lot of stuff about it...most of it I cannot write where a public eye will see.

Mom brought me to her house, only to announce she was leaving for the weekend. Nonetheless, I stayed with the rest of my family and enjoyed their company...really enjoyed it. I think God wanted me to heal this way. I love them so much.

I still think of her every day. Rob said things will become more natural soon. I won't forget her, but perhaps then the thoughts won't be so excessive. I'm doing okay. I am moving on, forgiving everything, and I want to enjoy my life.

Speaking of family, the vast majority of the household is going to a friend's baby shower. I'll be here with Grandpa, DJ, Maranda, and Drake...depending on if they are leaving to.

A couple funny things happened yesterday. On first arrival, Mom gave me what she thought was chocolate. It LOOKED like what it likely was, a tiny cigar, and I was unraveling the thing and Mom was certain it was chocolate, not joking, because it smelled like it. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there breaking leaves off of it and I split it in half and showed her. We tasted it, which as you would guess, tasted like picking dead leaves off the ground and licking them. It took some convincing for her to get that it was NOT chocolate. Hahaha.

We watched Untold Stories of the ER and later, after she left, Netflix movies like Baby's Day Out and Wayne's World Two.

I slept the easiest I have since I found out about Jackie. Again, I give the glory to God because I seriously needed that rest I was depriving myself off.

In other news, internet, Two Dots game on Android, and not much else. It's a rare quiet moment right now...sometimes it is loud and chaotic. People are silly. I do thank God for life and I am glad God has me here another day. I love my family very very much. Turn to God today, see the sidebar, because you never know if there's another one.

11:24 a.m. I still don't know when the funeral is. I'll find out when I need to know. I miss you, Jackie Bird.

Mom was talking about taking me grocery shopping at the end of the weekend, just for anything extra I want at Sams Club. I didn't ask her to, I think she just wants to do something nice for me and I really appreciate that. I wonder if the house is always like this, two babies crying right now at the same time, breaking the silence. Drake and Harmony both, in two different rooms with an open door separating them.

12:15 p.m. I'm watching Honey We Shrunk Ourselves with DJ and Drake. :D Also making macaroni. Just another reminder to myself from Rob....not to rush the 'moving on' thing because it will make things worse. Just let it happen naturally.

12:51 p.m. All full. Maranda came home with cookies on top of that. We're still chilling out and watching the movie.

2:44 p.m. We watched that, then El Dorado, and now I've started the first episode of The Walking Dead. Going all the way back, homie!

Jesus loves us, by the way. Lord have mercy and God forgive me. Also, April called to check up on me. I'm happy to say that I could honestly tell her I was doing better. Having my family around has really sped up the grieving process. I needed people, not laying in bed all day, lol.

2:50 p.m. DJ turned it off. Ah well.

2:54 p.m. Putting the Walking Dead on my netbook anyway. DJ is making, was making, odd noises. Like a garbled version of "eeeeEEEEEeeeee" and I called him weird. He said I was weird. I said I make noises when I'm alone but he does it around people, therefore he is weirder. I don't know where him and I get that part of our personality, because Mom is normal. I likely get it from Dad, who has his moments as an odd fruit himself. XD Love you, Dad.

5:18 p.m. Watching the Netflix thing on Death Row inmates. Something in me couldn't watch the Walking Dead. Oi.

8:43 p.m. When that ended, I watched...am watching Crossroads, and feeling tired. The family is loud enough, chaotic, and I'm feeling the effect of my tiredness. God Bless, Jesus Died, Rose, Saved! Loves and Lives! Good night. Signing off. Not much more to report for now since I'm shutting the netbook DOWN.

Thursday, March 19, 2015

R.I.P. Jackie Kersten

R.I.P. Jackie Kersten 1995-2015
4:38 a.m. I will miss her, my beautiful step-sister
Jackie Lucille Kersten. I had trouble sleeping and when I did sleep, I had normal dreams...and then always a dream of her upon waking.

I told myself to let myself rest but it's like I would close my eyes and images would flash of her face, like photos that don't exist, constantly.

I have a lot of memories of her from her childhood and very few from her adult hood when life took us in very separate directions. I only saw her a few times during the times she was a young woman and I can't stop this voice in my head that reminds me she was gone too young, too soon, at only 20 years old. There was this huge future out ahead of her, and now she's gone until we meet again in Heaven.

The hardest memory was the time when we were kids and we were at a creek with Shelby. She got in a spot where the current pulled her upstream and she was crying for help. I swam after her and caught up and then we were both headed downstream. I grabbed
onto a nearby branch and instructed her to do it with me, then we both made it safely to the other side of the bank.

This is the girl who fills my memories. 
I remember the way she laughed, the way her lips smacked in her sleep when we shared a bed as kids. Her black rimmed glasses and her smile. I remember her voice, but almost none of her words.

As much time as God gave me with her, my memories are in these blurry broken up fragments, so much that I can see my mind making up memories that never happened with her...perhaps to compensate. My favorite 'real' memory being the time I surprised her with the new furniture we got for the room we shared together and her screaming with joy...furniture I still use in my room to this very day.

I remember the first time I met her, always, when she was a little kid and in the back seat of Mom's car in an over sized Evanescence concert t-shirt and super long dirty blonde hair, and she had just got back from an Evanescence concert with her Dad...where she perched on his shoulders that night. Later on at home, she was screaming and pouncing on the couch with her brother Devon. They were in our lives from then on.

I watched an old Youtube video of mine from when she was a kid..just to hear something close to her voice. This video is from when she was 13:

I don't know if I'm physically and emotionally prepared for the wake (if that's where I'm going, God only knows), at the same time, I want to see her and say goodbye to her for the last time. My prayers continue on...

5:01 a.m. I wrote a letter to her. I thought it would help me cope. I remained the same, if not, a little better. Nothing will change the fact that she's gone, it's still surreal to stare down her picture and know she's no longer here, but I'm thankful to God for the memories. My prayers are with her family right now and the heartbreak they are all suffering.

The last time I did see her was my Mom ran into her at Publix, I think in December 2014, where she worked. I don't recall saying anything to her as she talked to my Mom but I just stood idly by as they talked. Obviously, if I had known this would be the last time I'd see I would've said something more than goodbye as we were leaving but God had that encounter happen the way it did. At least she was all smiles. I'm not regretful. :) I will miss her with all my beating heart and soul.

April said, several times, that she isn't very good at the comforting thing but that was okay. All she could offer me was a little distraction, so we watched the newest episode of The Walking Dead and that was a temporary fix. I just needed, in the end, to let all this out. I hope Mike or anyone else doesn't mind the photos...they just...help. That one with her Dad makes her look like a peace-giving angel...as if her face now says everything is okay. Keep my head up. I'm welling up with tears, sorry. I've been doing that since I heard.

5:54 a.m. The internet has been a mildly peaceful distraction. Still miss you bird. God rest your soul in Jesus Name, Amen! May we meet again in Heaven.

7:51 a.m. Distractions aside...the grief is still there. I keep seeing her in my mind and keep wanting to look at pictures. There's a pit inside my stomach I cannot ignore. A sadness I can't just push aside. Anything I try to enjoy seems like a thin blanket over the sadness and grief. This too shall pass, in Jesus Name, Amen! It's still a short time she's been gone but it's going to be longer. Of course, I keep wishing this day never arrived...where she died...and that I could tell myself she was still living and know it to be true. But that's loss...I suppose. This is going to be tough. God be with me, in Jesus Name, I pray, Amen.

8:11 a.m. I had some pizza. Perhaps I'm not ready for the world yet. I need to lie down.

10:51 a.m. I gave up on trying to sleep. I wound crying some more...until my body was tired of crying. I had a migraine and I couldn't sleep. I'm still thinking of her. A part of me wonders if she ever imagined how many people truly loved her.

11:18 a.m. Me to my roommate, out of the blue: "YOU'RE a canary!" Roommate: What? I needed that giggle. I've been taking a lot of deep breaths lately. #RIPJackie

All of a sudden, after all this straight mourning, it's getting easier. Like a thin streak of sunlight coming through a cloud and hitting my shoulder...odd reference but true.

12:43 p.m. I think what I'm feeling now is the stage of acceptance. I'm still mourning, still solemn, less sad and more...accepting. I don't know if this will change or not once I go to bed but for now I'm being calm.

Again, if anyone finds this and does not approve that I have a picture of them in there with her, please let me know and I will remove it without complaint. Again, seeing her smiling face is a coping thing for me. This post is entirely in her honor and memory but I also want to respect her loved ones.

Goodbye sweetheart. You are loved and missed.
1:20 p.m. Definitely in a stage of acceptance thus far. I quietly considered asking Mom to come get me tonight instead of Jen having to do it in the morning but I wasn't sure if I was ready because I could still cry to sleep and needed the ultimate privacy and quiet I get here at home to do so.

More ever, I don't have very funeral appropriate clothing. I mean, the best I could do would be a black pea coat over a dressy shirt...and I'm not even sure about pants. I'll have to ask Mom what she thinks is best. If possible, if necessary, I could push to come home after the service and take the extra mourning I believe I would need.

I'm not prepared for the face to face goodbye of her yet, unlike with pictures and in my head, I'm expecting shell shock on my part because I loved her so much but again, we'll see.

This whole grieving thing is a process. I haven't really lost a love one since 2009, when my beloved Grandma passed, so it has been a long time. My thoughts, prayers, and condolences are still with others who grieve, most of all her parents, who are surely taking it a LOT harder. Just to say it, I hope I don't seem selfish by going on about my own grieving...I don't want it to take away from the beautiful memory of this wonderful woman.

10:48 p.m. After yet another long letter to both her, and God, I got my sleep until now. I just showered. No one has told me how long I'm staying at Mom's or when the funeral is. Jen is coming in the morning and I don't know how much to pack.

I finally have a better grip on my emotions where I can accept she has left without weeping...so far. She'll always be in my heart certainly but I've accepted it and it's all I can describe for now. I miss you Jackie "Bird" and I love you with all my tender heart. Until we meet again, goodbye. I need to write another letter...it feels good. Closer to God.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Yesterday's Museum Trip and More.

1:43 a.m. It is March 18, 2015. I just slept for about 10-11 hours so I'm gonna be up for a while. I still have a chance to catch up on my to-do list before covering yesterday's antics.

1. Write this post. 
2. Empty my backpack.
3. Go through magazines for inspiration/collage stuff.
4. Read a book.
5. Possibly draw something.
6. Go for a walk.
7. Continue the Preacher's Daughter series.

And I will add more later....

For starters, after April came home, I stayed up until morning hanging out with her. The highlight being a whopping plate of cheesesticks and minecraft. I thought I was going to bed soon but I was distracted by the bonfire someone started in the backyard (not uncommon) and I spent some time heaping junk mail on it. A LOT.

It was still early, around 9 a.m. and I thought since it was a Tuesday and the museum was only open Tues-Thurs. and on Saturday...only between the hours of 10 a.m. and 12 p.m. I would finally try to go. I've been wanting to go for weeks but I've been out of it. So I made the long early morning walk...something I hadn't been trained up for since about a month ago.

When I finally got there, it was empty looking until an older man greeted me. He said if I needed anything, to just ask. Well, I asked first of all if pictures were allowed and he enthusiastically said yes. He loves when people take photos. I made awkward small talk and meandered around the place before two elderly women came in the door behind me. I also asked if I could go upstairs and he gave me permission to do that as well.

The staircase greeting the entryway
First I wandered around the first floor, soon followed by one of the elderly ladies who also made awkward small talk with me. The whole trip I was hardly ever alone, as she was eager to join me as I looked around and offered interesting backstories behind most of the old photos and artifacts. Below are some interesting items I found in a glass case.

As I went upstairs, the woman asked if she could join me, seeing as how she hasn't been up there in quite a long while. I enthusiastically told her "of course!" I was polite as possible. I was amazed from the first room I saw...seeing what I hoped to find before arriving..PERIOD CLOTHES!

This dress, probably from the 20's, was my absolute favorite. 
I read the top one. ;)

It was a shame of the condition of some of them but I was told most of this stuff was almost destroyed in a terrible rainstorm. I was thankful to God it survived.

After leaving the clothing room, we wandered into the area with the kitchen items. There was a shelf of rusted irons. Teapots, old kitchen things. She was telling me that she still recalled back in the day when most of these things were still being used.

I believe she said this was an old furnace. It's so pretty though.

Another room we saw, well, two more rooms, was dedicated for Army and camera stuff and one staged like a nursery with child's playthings. There's also randomly a cheerleader uniform in there.

In the war room, pointed at some photos and told me about the people she knew. She also informed me that she was 80something but she looked about 20 years younger to be honest.

Above, is where she told me about her father who worked at the coke bottling plant. This dress, in another room, from the 1920's immediately caught my eye when I entered.

Both of the above wedding dresses are the same. :D She knew the woman and told me a little about her, a photo of her parents was nearby, but I don't recall much. After all this excitement, we headed back downstairs where I took more photos.

This was the museum back when it was an old schoolhouse.
And here it is today.
After enough wandering, I decided when I was alone to go back up the stairs again in a chance to roam the second floor myself. :D It made me nervous because when I got to the top of the stairs she called after me and asked what I was up to and I just wanted some more shots.

So I did and she met me at the bottom of the stairs, no doubt ready to follow after me, and she was giggling. I got an offer to volunteer at the place since they needed some youths. The woman running it is in her 90's and if they had more help, they could be open more often. I told them I'd give it some thought but I'm obviously delighted at the idea.

I figured since I had been there a while and saw so much, it was time to go. As I was leaving, the same man who I met on entering offered me a look at the train outside which was hosting an art class (he didn't know I was an artist) and showed me where to check it out. Maybe it was a sign from God, I don't know. I did tell him I was an artist after and he smiled.

When I first tried on one caboose, it wouldn't open. So he pointed from his truck to try the other side, so I did. It opened and I was met with elderly women and their canvases and paints, the class was five bucks but you had to supply ALL of your own materials...that means paint and canvas. They had some beautiful small murals  on the wall. Out of respect I didn't take photos. One was a man ina  carriage crossing the old bridge nearby here. Landscapes, etc. It was lovely.

On my way out, I shot a picture of the museum with the Gazebo, where some school children will be eating lunch at an upcoming Mayday event.

After that, I went thrift shopping, picked up free old gossip magazines for references/collage stuff, and then went to the dollar store and looked at getting hair dye...but changed my mind. I thought about going blonde but I realized I'd just wind up orange. I asked April if she wanted any but she only wanted blue. THANKFULLY, I found some hair chalk featured in grav3yard girl's video and eagerly bought it for her for ten bucks. 

I also bought skittles and some much needed towels at another dollar store. Then, I made the long arduous walk home. I changed as soon as I got in the door and rested a minute before surprising April with the hair chalk. She used it immediately and aside from the purple color, it actually worked! She had these bright highlights on her dark brown hair and it made me so happy...Rob even colored his beard. :D

I ate some pizza with them and watched a little Steven Universe before going to bed at close to 2 p.m. and then waking up to do this entry...which is lengthy now and will be lengthy when I add it to Seize. Oh, Jesus. So many photos...but it was so much fun! :D At least now I can breathe easier that it was written down. It is now 2:48 a.m. so this entry took an hour straight to put together. God bless, Jesus Died, Rose Saved. All glory, praise, thanks, and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus Name, Amen! God is able to do above all we ask or think.

Oh! And April sent me a link to this dude on a Christian dating website who she thinks I should give a look at. :)

3:07 a.m. Caught up on Tumblr.

5:57 a.m. I've been watching Preachers Daughters and had some snacks and skittles. My backpack was emptied of the magazines for later, as well as plastic bags. Not much else but the morning is very early....

Green and pink chalk made purple, lol.
6:38 a.m. I finished season two but already I can see season three, from the first couple minutes, is much more sexualized and discomforting. While it still deals a lot in Christianity, it's seems like it's trying to sell sex and drama on the side. Not fun, not cool. Shaking my head. -_-

7:45 a.m. I finished going through the magazines and I'm in more of a reading mood now. :D God is blessing me today. Feeling to achy to go for a walk but we'll see how things change.

7:53 a.m. Neopets dailies tackled...

10:34 a.m. So I took some time to read, then some Devotionals, then I hung out with April and Rob. Suddenly, I got the idea to try out her hair chalk...so I did. Came out mild on me but I added some makeup and just had fun with it.

11:46 a.m. I took off the makeup and chilled out with April and Rob, then just April. I confessed to her that I have this bad habit lately of arguing with her in my head, about religion and my future parenting ideals. And though she didn't go into detail, she says she does the same with me and Rob. I guess it's some sort of demon going around. Needs to get out in the name of Jesus Christ.

ANYWAY~ I haven't seen my family in about a month now and I'm missing Mom. I'm longing to go do something, like take a shopping trip with her, and I want to arrange it and for us to actually 'go through with it' as so many plans I attempt with them fall through...as God has His plans I'm sure. Still, if it's meant to be, we'll see.

Last time I tried to go shopping with her, for example, DJ's friend since childhood came home from Japan (he's in the army) two weeks earlier than expected so the trip was cancelled to go catch up with him. God has plans like that.

In two weeks my phone service runs out and then I will not having a working cell phone. Sorry loves, you'll just have to find another way to contact me. :) Likely Facebook but anyway...I feel like napping.

But first I need to confess that I've been on a bit of a snacking binge lately and finding it hard to control myself. The good news is I'm making a legitimate attempt to be active again, despite soreness, but God give me strength in Jesus Name, Amen!

By the way, sorry for the long post. It's mostly images making it so long I'm sure but still...I don't usually have so much going on in an entry. XD God is able to do above all we ask or think. I'm still thinking of doing that private, NON-online, prayer journal. I just gotta bring myself to do it I suppose. Usually when I say it, God willing, it eventually happens so I'm setting it out there. P.S. As for drawing, the day is still young.

6:46 p.m. I have woken up to find out that my step-sister Jackie, who was only in her early twenties, has died to suicide. I'm hit hard, I'm shaking. I'm feeling the loss and will be mourning. My condolences to Mike and Tiffany (her parents) Jack and Joan (her grandparents) and Devon her younger brother. I will be praying VERY VERY much and we have to leave it at that.

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