A Daily Diary: 2015

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Thursday, December 31, 2015

Short post from the iPod.


2:49 a.m. First few hours of 2016. 

I couldn't sleep so I got up and ate popcorn and Jalepeno Cheetos (Rob surprised be earlier today) he got paid early. I also did it while watching Lost. I'm still watching Lost...

....then getting frustrated at characters I don't trust as I usually do. 

I wonder if this post means I'm back to blogging. 

I made easy access by putting the app on my iPod. April saw and checked on me, then admired the art I made on my wall. 



Eep. Lost just had a scary moment. 


By the way, it wasn't on Instagram so I didn't know how to post it but here's my niece at only a few days old. :D

4:32 a.m. This show is gonna make me cry. Don't die, Charlie!!! P.S. Season three finale.

1:57p.m. I went to bed around 5. Since its the weekend and April and Rob tend to be on their computers, I am mostly on a break from creating on SL. :) Fair enough.

Just woke up and listening to music on my iPod. The day...has begun. Thank God for another day of life and a new year. God bless. Jesus lives. Loves. Saves. Toodles!

P.S. I don't think April has slept since yesterday. When she finally does..I imagine she'll be out for a while.

2:01 p.m. Feels strangely good to be writing a blog post again after a month on hiatus.

2:16 p.m. Looking back on the past couple months' entries, I realize I left out a few things.

Earlier in December I bought a new Barbie and the girlie at pink sequin fabric for it! I made a beautiful dress.

April and Rob got me Disney princess things like a Candle and body wash because I am a secret fan on Disney princesses...and pink. I love pink. It's a happy and relaxing color.

I dreamt of Aunt Steff this morning...something about a phone number and I turned down spending time with her to organize my stuff.

Some other dream about Queen Elizabeth and another about a Metallica concert. All this music and reading clicked something in my brain which reminded me of that.

Anyway, if they are grocery shopping today, I want to stay home and handle SL stuff I need to get done.

It's slow going but it's on it's way to being a real business and real income. God willing in Jesus name, amen!

3:41 p.m. I enjoy that I'm blogging again. I hung out with April and Rob and now continuing Lost...which is ending its third season. I've been watching a month now so I must be finishing this series shortly by normal standards, lol.

4:09 p.m. Charlie died!! NOOOOOOO!!!! I wanna cry. Lost. OMG. 

4:14 p.m. Randomly found myself clutching a roll of paper towels in anticipation. Oi.

4:36 p.m. I just remembered I dreamt of having a bunch of tiny canvases, lol. Feel like sitting outside at some point..or painting. Jen wants me to make a Hello Kitty thing for the girls but as an artist, I'm hesitant.

I'm not fond of drawing copyrighted works...for that matter. Another is I don't want to directly copy someone else's art...however famous it is.

The other is she wants it on canvas..the ones I got for Christmas. I only have three left and don't know when I'll ever have canvas again. If you're poor you see where I'm coming from here. 

So yeah....

6:30 p.m. Caved and drew Hello Kitty, watched Goldbergs, now playing Remember me.

6:38 p.m. ...or not. Couldn't even accomplish the first level. The bollocks with it. I'm gonna play something else.

7:46 p.m. Playing something else. I miss Secondlife.

9:27 p.m. I quit the game and played Secondlife...I should have let Rob be. As he is depressed, and refrains from complaining....still the air of wanting to be alone was there yet I was determined. 

New Year. New things. I think it may be time start the Oi Bae! blog and see where it goes....


 






My Year in Review...According to Instagram

Here's a brief review of my year based on what I see in my Instagram feed, from the beginning to end of the year. P.S. It's the new year!!! It's 12:07 a.m. So 'last' year in review.

Bonfire on new years. Have a slimmer figure than usual and still drawing in my big sketchbook. I took my bike to places such as the park and dollar store. I was also editing the Dream Doctor.

Some days I would go sit with the neighbors (who have long since moved by now) and just chat, being internet free and watching crime shows. But yeah, I loved taking the trip to Patterson Park.

Then there was the time we went to MOSI for Malania's birthday and I hung out with Aaliyah and Harmony. I also got that Cross off the ground Mom told me to grab..I have it somewhere...

More drawing. Then there was that time Rob and I tried to make a batch of brownies in a muffin pan and they came out like deflated lifeless cupcakes.

I drew Cara Delevinge making a weird face. 

I still excercised, it even led me to visit the Fort Meade museum, which I went to see again on several other occassions afterward.

I tried hair chalk.

I visited with my nieces and enjoyed my natural hair for the last time. Because right after that I began dying it blonde.

Hissy had five kittens on April's birthday, March 25.

I drew some more and got blonder over the next month.

Another bonfire, then a Marilyn Monroe 'FBI files released' tabloid magazine later...

Jackie passed away at 19. I made a coaster in her honor with my long-desired Mod Podge I finally bought at Wal-Mart. I've dreamed of her quite a few times since.

I drew some more and we watched the kittens as they learned to walk. 

I made a trip to Mema's house and took photos of the pretty yard. :) Drew some more and caught Gentlemen Prefer Blondes on television..then The Mummy. I walked to Wal Mart a few times while I was there, too. lol.

I ate less than usual, a bit healthier. I then spent the night at Dad's where I had a big meal lol.

From there I visited Mom's house and my nieces, essentially successfully making my rounds of visiting my family who I had gone without seeing for a long while.

I used a piece from a lazer to make a close-up camera on a phone. It was fun.

I got watercolor paper finally and experimented with that.

I started dieting and exercising regularly. 32 weeks ago. I made a lot of visits to the park in that time and saw a change in my body. Again, I visited Mema's, this time after her health scare to help out, and I kept up my healthy kick.

I rescued a weak kitten from beneath the house. Mucus has glued its eyes shut and I lovingly clean it off, before eventually having to set it free.

The cats got bigger and cuddled on me more, especially Garbanzo. We still had five kittens at this time.

I practiced more watercolor painting. The kittens got more playful. I still dieted well and continued doing art stuffs, such as coloring with crayons after using a multi-planter thingy to hold my crayons.

I made another visit to Mom's house and played with the kids. Aaliyah invented a bubble dance and I photoshopped Zackary into a video game character. Lots of group selfies with the little ones. :)

I introduced them to 'Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows.'  26 weeks ago.

Aaliyah visited for a week and I made her a little purple princess dress. She enjoyed visiting our elderly neighbor, Myrtice and played with sparklers in the spirit of fourth of July. She also watched a ton of youtube unboxing and play doh shows.

I painted more watercolors after taking the leftover paper and forming it into a handmade book. Harmony made a visit with Aaliyah and they played with Lavidia our kid neighbor.

 We got down to three kittens and by now they were suckling Hissy for the last couple times, against her will.

Harmony and Aaliyah visited again for the day and they watched Youtube.

I SHAVED HALF MY HEAD AT 3 A.M. AND LOVED IT! I attempted a mohawk. By now I was also attempting to date and close as it got, we never got around to it and we went our seperate ways shortly after.

18 weeks ago.

I watched a lot of Scrubs.

Harmony made another visit and chased the poor cats. She had fun doing it though. 

I attempted to get a job with Velma and it went so horrible that it's hard to describe. On the plus side, I stayed for a week though not uncomplainingly and hung out with the kids. 

Then I got on anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medication.

Halloween after that was great. April finally let me take a picture of her. We had no trick or treaters but we had candy and we had each other.

Not much went on with my Instagram afterwards besides some cat videos, not until Thanksgiving came around.

My brother gave me weird looks for taking pictures of Tampa buildings, as if its not something I rarely see (trust me, the glittering buildings are not seen enough by me even as a born Floridian)

Five weeks ago.

Drake turned on the living room light with his Mommy's help. 

I went to Aunt Steffs for thanksgiving. Good food, brief time at the park with the kids, Aaliyah on April's phone, and just all around family time. I was supposed to see Dad but it didn't pan out. 

I visited with Mom for a brief period afterwards. Went the same as it always did. Kids and my technology, lol.

I had an awesome birthday trip! We got this cup I loved which have fake ice inside the tumbler, socks, pastels, cork board, and I bought Christmas presents before Mom had to go to bingo.

Two weeks passed before I posted to Instagram again...just a picture of the three cats snuggled together. 

Then another week passed.

I went to a birthday party and saw Uncle Pat on his first days of freedom, played with Harmony and fed her pie, and watched her open Christmas gifts with other kids. Again there was good food.

I did a watercolor for the first time in 22 weeks, one week ago.

To celebrate Christmas, I also had a hot chocolate with cookie gelato, mini marshmallows, and caramel all in one. I was very sugar drunk afterwards.

Christmas happened and I got an iPod touch!! Among other things...took my first photo with it and posted it to Instagram.


I used my new art supplies to make new artworks...five days ago.

I posted my last selfie for 2015 and thats the last Instagram image. :)

New Years Post

Song lyrics in my head at the end of 2015:
"My name's blurryface and I care what you think."

It'll be 2016 in about a half hour.

For a brief period of time, I might still accidentally write dates as 2015 I think after this...just like I do every year. 

I haven't written in a month.

A lot has gone on in this month.

MY NIECE BROOKLYN CADENCE SMITH WAS BORN ON DECEMBER 22.

I'VE BEEN BUILDING UP MY SECONDLIFE BUSINESS DAILY AND MASSIVELY.

DAD GOT ME A TABLET FOR MY BIRTHDAY. IT BROKE IN ABOUT A WEEK AFTER I HIT IT WITH MY KNEE. 

I STILL PLAY FLIGHT RISING, THOUGH LIGHTLY.

ROB GOT ME AN iPOD TOUCH FOR CHRISTMAS. THE iPOD DAYS BEGIN AGAIN...THIS ALSO MEANS I USE iTUNES NOW and legally download awesome music.

I'M ADDICTED TO SHOWS LIKE 'LOST' AND 'THE GOLDBERGS' AND WATCH THEM CONSTANTLY.

WE GOT A NEW WASHER AND A NEW TELEVISION. APRIL GOT A NEW GRAPHICS CARD. LIFE IS GOOD.

APRIL'S MOM'S ANKLE IS HEALING, PRAISE THE LORD!

I SPENT CHRISTMAS WITH MY FRIENDS, AT APRIL'S MOM'S HOUSE AND WE HAD HOMEMADE PIZZA..WHICH WAS BURNT BUT THE REST OF IT WAS DELICIOUS!! THEN LATER MY FAMILY. I GOT PREZZIES (CANVASES, ACRYLICS, PENCIL ART SETS, AND A SLUSHIE MACHINE) AND WATCHED FLIPPER WITH HARMONY.

I HELD MY NIECE FOR THE FIRST TIME. SHE LOVED IT.

I STILL DREAM OF JACKIE SOMETIMES AT NIGHT, ALWAYS YOUNGER AND BEAUTIFUL THAN I KNEW HER IN LIFE. HAPPY.

I DID A MASSIVE CLEAN UP OF MY ROOM WHICH WAS LONG OVERDUE. LAST NIGHT CARLO, OUR BELOVED CAT, POOPED IN MY BED AS REVENGE FOR ACCIDENTALLY SHUTTING HIM IN MY ROOM. I WAS NOT HAPPY. ROB KINDLY WASHED MY BLANKET THOUGH. ^___^

DONNY STILL KNOCKS TOO MUCH. -_-

I GOT OFF MY ART HIATUS AFTER 22 WEEKS AND THE RESULTS WERE BEAUTIFUL:




 
I CAUGHT A STOMACH FLU A FEW DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. IT WAS AWFUL.

I STILL DON'T WRITE IN MY BLURB BOOK THOUGH I INTEND TO UPDATE IT ONE OF THESE DAYS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHEN I'LL REGULARLY BLOG AGAIN. I'M CREATING ON SECONDLIFE FROM EARLY MORNING TO NIGHT.

I RENTED NEW STORES AND EVEN GOT A NEW BUILDING FOR MY STORE. CHANGED MY STORE NAME TO 'Oi Bae!' and currently trying to build my brand.

I just felt tonight, right now, was a good as time as any to go ahead and share all this news. Especially since I finished going through my Pinterest and Instagram feed...and both April and Rob are at computers capable of using Secondlife. I am not. lol. Jesus rejoices. Happy New Year. If I recall more big, preferably great news from the past month, I'll add it here. Mwuah! God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!~

P.S. Still thinking of beginning a Secondlife blog for products and whatnot. Wish me success!



The last selfie of 2015.

Monday, November 30, 2015

I Have To At Least Cover My Birthday....


First of all, I got music videos downloaded and everything backed up before leaving with Grandpa last I wrote. Spent Wednesday playing with the kids.

Thanksgiving went well on Thursday. Never went to Dad's house because DJ took me straight to Aunt Steffs without having me get clothes first. BUT Aunt Steff's house was fun. Watched Modern Family and the Chrisley family, played at the playground with the kids, ate good food, played with the kids some more. Dad says he hopes to see me soon and bring me a used tablet as my birthday present. Friday was a normal day and I played a lot and bonded with the kids.


That night, since Mom is moving and got rid of the furniture, I laid on a coffee tabel covered in cardboard and a leopard fleece blanket to watch Burn Notice with Mom's Wifi hotspot.

Then SKYLA wanted up, with pleading eyes, and she took up about half of that small space. I dealt with it a bit.

I went to sleep at a decent hour and shared a twin bed with Aaliyah and two dogs. Woke up around 2 a.m. and stepped in a giant dog puddle because I didn't let them out late enough. Then I couldn't sleep.


I had laid out a pair of sweats to visit Uncle Pat from the night before and my shoes were by the front door. When I got up, Maranda had cleaned the whole house and moved things, including my shoes...one of which was missing. The pants were missing too and I was searching for those. Found them under Mom's bed.


We went to the prison and got there at 8 a.m. and had a six and a half hour visit. P.S. My shoes I borrowed from Mom set off the metal detector but no biggie. ANYWAY.

At one point there was this raccoon climbing in and out of the tree and every time the guards came close, he'd scurry back up there. Finally, they trapped him with a garbage can and a round of applause ensued.

I had some good boneless chicken wings, snickers, a coke, and cheetos.

Also, Mom, Grandpa, and Johnny (Mom's friend) had root beers that were luring honey bees. One came down and drank some off the can as we watched, meanwhile towards the end (when there were three) I refused to be near the table with them around.

I can be happy he's getting out in a couple weeks. I keep praying he'll re-enter society successfully after ten years and stay out of trouble. God help us all.

After leaving, Mom took me to get two pairs of new sandals from the manicure place, then the five and under store she and Jen raved about and their hype was justified.

I got new birthday gifts (pastels, a tumbler with fake ice in the walls, cork board, and socks) before we headed to a parking lot as Mom waited on her friend for Bingo. Then I thrift shopped, finishing off my Christmas list.

Then Grandpa took me to get a cake. I picked out a simple one and the lady was nervous to write on it, saying she was the only one there and just the decorator. I didn't even ask for my name considering that and just asked for a simple 'Happy Birthday.' Every year, as we know, I must have a cake for my birthday if nothing else, no matter my age. I went to Mom's, shared cake, and left.

I got home to find nobody home, then Rob and April came back from grocery shopping. I got an awesome gift from Rob:
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children: The Graphic Novel

I enjoyed it thoroughly yesterday, though it left off at a cliffhanger and now I need to sequel. lol.

We had a bit of Vodka, I felt sick and went to bed, avoiding my pills out of necessity.

The next day I went dollar store shopping and bought stocking stuffers, came home, and played Secondlife until 4 p.m. Then we went to April's Mom's to help decorate the tree until around 7-8 p.m. We came home. I was wiped. Went to bed.

Today I played on Secondlife and did a little creating. All. Caught. Up.

P.S. My digestion has not gone well today, I'm tired, legs hurt, my throat has been scratchy, and I'm a little hungry.  It's 6:00 p.m. by the way, lol.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

The Official Blog Hiatus Announement.

11:45 a.m. 

6-7 years is a long time to be keeping regular journals, like I have been, and I feel like it's time to let myself go of the obligation to be a daily journal writer for now. Perhaps when it comes to writing life's most major events, I'll get back to you but for now...I'm just not up for it.

I started 'Lost'  on Netflix a few days ago and have to wait for April and I to watch it now that we're caught up together. Still watching Burn Notice, too. Need to finish Scrubs.

I'm all packed. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I'm going to Aunt Steff's, God Willing, Then Dad's for most of the weekend. THEN Mom's, with gas money April got me to get home from there.

My 27th birthday is in three days and I've finally reached that strange age where it's not as a big deal as it used to be anymore. 

I've been spending my week making almost several things a day on Secondlife, too many to name.

STILL have not updated my blurb journal but hope to soon. 

I'm hoping Instagram export will work today. Oi Vey.Perhaps now I can get pictures and vids organized, and whatnot. 

So....yeah.

2:28 p.m.

Got my Instagram stuff downloaded.

FINALLY after like half a year, I am making the long process of moving photos from April's computer, to mine, but it's taking a few hours. Pray God its done before I get picked up. Also deleted my JRM folder since I gotta come off the old obsession thing. Feels alright. Bye. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!

4:08 p.m. Backed up well and now downloading some Youtube faves since Mom has no net at the house. :D Leaving VERY sooonnn!!

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Another Five Days Later

10:19 a.m. Started an Advent Calender on SL and have been making products for it. That's what I've been doing. I didn't end up writing a new letter 2010 self as my past self said I won't need to, and can do it whenever. So yeah....unless Jen is ACTUALLY coming today since she postponed a couple days last time, then I can be expecting to watch Harmony. P.S. Thinking of staying here for the Holidays, Christmas, that is. ^^ Gotta be able to keep up on that advent calendar.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Another Five Days Since I Wrote.

11:29 a.m. It used to be that I would write at least once a day, now it's more like once a week. Eep. Sorry. Two more days until I answer the 'five year' letter, in short to call it and I need to hurry up and get my entires up to date on both my website AND blogger before then, so I can properly answer it the way I've wanted to for five years now.

Lately, again this week, my focus has been on the shop and getting it out there, and creating new items here and there. Youtube and Netflix marathons, taking a few minutes to go outside now and then....and at one point trying to wrap presents and frustrating myself out of it...

...because Donny knocked as soon as I began. You know him, knock, and loudly, and frequently, with determination until someone answers rather than shrugging and coming back later like others do. Oi. I forgive but I still wish it wouldn't keep happening.

Then I couldn't wrap properly. Still got that on my to-do list as well. I've been keeping up on my medications. The drowsiness is there occasionally but it is less frequent now. My room is definitely a big mess right now. Another thing on my to-do list.

I went over my prim limit temporarily yesterday but at least it got fixed. :)


Rob also gave me charger cords! YAY! So now I can charge April's phone and my mp3 player as well. 

12:11 p.m. It was quick to upload my past entries from the middle of October. MOST unfortunately, the site I use to download my Instagram photos broke on me so I can't add them right now. And I feel it's best to wait until I CAN download my Instagram files before adding this to my long awaited blurb book. 

ON the plus side, I'm no longer required of myself to add things to wordpad on my netbook since I'm up to date and can now, for the first time in weeks, get back to writing almost anywhere, almost anytime, directly on my blogger account. WOOT!

1:35 p.m. Made some macaroni and sausage, after watching an Eh Bee marathon and now watching Modern Family. Calming down a bit today...

3:11 Played Secondlife, got unbanned from a group I had no idea why I was banned from, and lazied the hours away. Oi vey.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

It's Been Almost A Week.

4:26 p.m. I've been busy all week, so let me fill you in. With the combined help of Ruby, Rob, and April, I finally have an inworld store on Secondlife. I've spent this week adding inventory, decorating, managing, etc. So it's just the beginning. Also, creating a few things here and there as well.

Rob got me an awesome Tumbler for my early birthday gift which is awesome! It has blue camo-ish look with a 'rhinestone' beaded center. I love that thing. I've been wanting an actual tumbler for ages now so it really means a lot.

I made thanksgiving plans to go spend a few days with my Dad at his house for Thanksgiving. I never went over to Mom's on November 4th like I thought was going. to happen.

Still have not added entries to either my blog or my blurb book yet, which needs to be done at some point. Like I said, I've been heavily focused on Secondlife this week. Wrapping my Christmas gifts is also on my to-do list. Still need to get something for DJ and Maranda, then maybe my list is complete. Also, been quite a bit drowsy a lot as taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication goes on. I've been dying to write though...just needed to get up the motivation to do it.

Add in Netflix, Hulu, and hanging out with April and Rob, and of course, a lot of sleeping, and a few times dreaming of JRM and Mara, and you have my free time. God be with me. We also did a major grocery shopping trip yesterday with food stamps, so that was great. :D Rob and I went with Rick, April cared for her Mom.

A guy who I knew in my childhood passed away a couple days ago named Paul Wooten. He was a bully to me as a kid. I forgave him, even though we never reconnected in any way. May he rest in peace, in Jesus name, Amen. Prayers for his family as well. :)

Hissy is in a but of a hissing mood....probably cause of all the kittens in here. Too bad. She was so nice earlier.

On a random note, this whole day feels like an evening....just all wound down...a bit lazy and boring. Aside from working on it a little this morning, I'm taking the first real break from my store I've had all week. VERY happy with it. That is all for now. If I got more to say, I will come up with...like the fact that mema offered me all her old Christmas decorations and we accepted. :D My computer is charging, my room is overrun by cats, yada, yada. Exactly one week until I respond to that letter from my past self five years ago. God only knows what it will say.....

10:02 p.m. Went shopping for Christmas decor for my SL inworld shop, then checked the news. Bed time....


9:21 p.m. After hanging out with Rob, I made a new dress for Secondlife. :D Near broke on that site now but I shall be alright lol. 

Monday, November 2, 2015

It's Been A Little While...

2:45 p.m. I haven't written in five days but thankfully, the week is easily summed up. We're been grocery shopping and that went well. I put out a large amount of stuff on secondlife, I've been on a normal sleep schedule and aniti-anxiety/anti-despressive medication since I got home. Home has been well. Netflix and Youtube Marathons, Hanging out with April now and then, Pinterest, Flight Rising, the usual etc.

I didn't spend Halloween at Mom's. Instead, I hung out with friends and April on the porch, capturing a smile on camera for the first time....a real smile...in a long time.

I haven't been sewing Barbie clothes since I got back into Secondlife creating.

I have not updated my blog in weeks, or my physical journal in even longer. Still need to get back to reading all my journals like I planned before going to Mom's. I am broke as well, lol, already.

Rob's Mom and her fiance visited yesterday and I got working on a craft for April's Christmas gift, but it has not gone well. I still have the other gifts I've bought but they just need wrapping, of course.

Donny has visited quite a few times today, and he is arriving earlier and earlier in the morning every day O.O.

I get answer that letter to myself, from five years ago, on the 15th (less than two weeks from now) and though her letter was a short one, I hope I'll have a lot to say about how life has gone so far.

My computer is dying on it's battery and I need to let it charge, hopefully while I nap. Laundry desperately needs to be done. -_- That's all I can say for now.

7:34 p.m. Got my laundry done and had another thoughty2 marathon until April came home. Carlo is missing. I listened to Pandora and surfed for future SL projects. :) Oh, and I had pizza and chocolate milk. Nothing else to report there besides the fact that April is worried out of her mind.


EDIT: I played on Secondlife and Carlo was eventually found by Rob....Carlo was chasing a cat. 

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Another Brief Post.

12:20 p.m. No breaking news about yesterday. I dreamt HEAVILY of JRM and Mara Lane, multiple times, though its a blur by now. Sewed a Barbie shirt and skirt, watched a lot of Burn Notice, and April came home earlier than usual so we hung out a bit.

So far today, I've eaten, slept (and had some dream of John Stamos which is a blur now), and watched Youtube and Secondlife. Nothing much of note. Having a marathon of Youtube user 'Thoughty2' which are fun fact/history videos. Drinking more water. Still wondering what I want to do with my life, the usual. Munching candy. Just wanted to update. The day is still kinda early.


3:45 p.m. Did the marathon thing and now hanging out with April. who came home early, and she is playing Spore.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Home Life. Brief Post.

12:01 p.m. Watching Supernatural...catching up on the first few episodes. Since last night, I finally started making some Barbie clothes for a Barbie I bought on my little shopping spree yesterday and that has been going wonderful.

 Routine is back to usual otherwise. I need to, while I have the internet back, also upload all those videos and pictures I took while over there on Instagram already. XD In short, I've been the happiest all week since I've been home and gotten plenty of rest. I just REALLY needed to update. lol.


EDIT: Nothing out of the unusual happened. I went to bed sometime around 9-10 p.m. I think. Played online, hung out with friends, etc. I did leave pasta out too long when I couldn't find tubberware, much to Rob's chagrine. We forgave, solved it, and moved on. Oh, and we watched Grandfathered and Brooklyn Nine Nine last night so that was fun.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

Coming Home! Yay!

5:28 a.m. This is it!!! Today is supposed to be the day. I'm praying I don't get let down. i.e. being told that I can't go because the kids wont fit so I must stay and babysit all day and wait then. Granted, I am awake before everyone else but still excited. The phone alarm was going off and even after waking DJ I couldnt figure out why he wasnt turning it off. Turns out it was APRIL'S phone. Someone was playing with it or something and turned two of the snooze alarms on...and it must have been ringing for an hour!

Aaannyyywayyy, like I said, everyone is asleep. I need to get everything together, not to mention inspect it for the usual, as usual, etc.

5:50 a.m. Played a little Solitaire. :) Finally won a game after nearly 20 minutes lol.

6:06 a.m. Laundry is folded and my clothes are packed. :) I like to get this out of the way, right away, so that when it comes time for everyone to leave, I'm not holding everyone up. I know I'll need to shower and change before I go but I want to wait until they wake up because they need their sleep. They probably had a late night.

6:29 a.m. Feeling like....I'd only know for sure I'm going home this morning when I am heading into the car...and on the way there. Until then, the worry is set in that there would be a last minute change of plans to leave me here. I'll do what it takes. Only the future will tell if these worries were founded or not, God willing.

Drake is crying, making me wonder how they were strong enough to last over a year with being woken up almost daily with crying. O.O Ooohhhh well. Can only imagine what it would be like when baby number two is born, in either December or January.

I think I had some dream this morning where I had put on a lot of weight and for some reason attributed it to pregnancy. More soon....God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves!!


EDIT: Left sometime around 9 a.m. and was brought home. I then made a long walk and Christmas shopping. Towards the end I was short and the woman behind the counter helped me. :D After coming home, I got some rest and it was the normal routine as usual. I also hung out with Rob and April a bit and caught up very pleasantly on the net. Got to buy the glimmer gene on Flight Rising so I was happy about that. Got some rest, took my meds, and praising God!

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Missing Home But I'm Okay.

6:15 a.m. I'm up kinda early for it being a weekend. Today was the day I thought I was going home but no, that is tomorrow morning, God willing...maybe. Hopefully. Jen wants me to come back on November 4th and though I agreed to it, to do the right thing because she needs post-surgery bedrest, I'm not too thrilled. Kinda throws out the idea of me staying away for another few months. She says it would be for a couple days but I kinda know better.

Today is also day five without internet-anything and I'm already having dreams at night of shopping on Secondlife and checking a massive email inbox (to check Secondlife sales all week). I've been saying it since I got here, but I can't wait to get home. I don't know why a day feels like being away a week, and a week feels like being away a month, etc. It's just that whenever I leave either of these places, a few changes happen while I'm away.

Also, I'm down to 25 dollars because of pizza but at least I can freely eat something today without worrying what someone will think about it. Kinda miss that...midnight snacking is also forbidden here, miss that too. lol. I missss hooommmmeeee....I just hope she keeps her promise and doesn't postpone another day or something >.>

Random note, I anticipate new groceries when I get home. Speaking of food, I want to get some pizza.

Bugs are back. -_- Why did they wait for the week I returned....to return.

Anyway!!! I love how early it is because it's absolutely quiet here right now, at this hour in the morning, which does not happen often, even when no one is here. There's usually dogs barking and welping, sometimes arguing and yelling, kids playing and laughing, running, tv going, etc. Usually several things at once. P.S. Been starting my meds, more soon...God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves.

9:28 a.m. Jen soon left with Aaliyah and left me with Harmony and she ate breakfast in bed. Mom eventually came home with DJ, then April soon called. She was not happy about what was going on here during the height of my anger and frustration when I last called earlier this week...and I didn't let her know things had cooled down yet. So the call cleared things up. I'm supposed to be home Sunday morning and if I'm not, she wants me to find a ride or she will try to find one for me. It has to be Sunday. We also discussed staying on top of my medication.

Praying things go smoothly. I don't need a whole bunch of drama over this, ya know? I just want to get home when I'm supposed to without complications.

Granted I knew if April found out the problem she would end up mad about it but at the time I was desperate to talk to anyone would listen to my side without an argument.

Which means I will now be worried about this blowing up into something it doesn't need to unless I get home on Sunday morning like I should be. Watching Sesame Street with Harmony. At some point, I need to do my laundry and dishes here. Still can't believe how early it is, lol. Anyway, that's what I have to say for now.

11:34 a.m. Mom and DJ left to get Maranda like ten minutes ago. After she had a chocolate breadstick and a pizza slice, I got Harmony down for a nap just now. Still worrying about tomorrow, which I wouldn't be otherwise if I didn't have to wonder how April would react if I don't come home on Sunday morning and instead have to wait until Sunday night or later. O.O This REALLY doesn't need to be a big thing, ya know? Oi....

Anyway, taking care of laundry and I have to bring myself to wash some dishes here in a bit. Also, charging my netbook which was nearly dead. We watched a couple videos and browsed GIFS and pictures earlier. Really glad to be blogging this much. ^___^

11:55 a.m. I read and spellchecked my entries over the past week, and watched me go into my emotional rollercoaster. Oi vey. This too, shall pass.

1:51 p.m. Harmony is awake and finishing a banana snack. I have been watching crime mystery shows and Jen has come home with Aaliyah, and wigs and shoes. :) Pretty neat. I've been hanging out with the dog, King, who is adorable.

My worries have not decreased but I don't think they will until this is all over with. God only knows the future, and any dreaded change of plans.

6:40 p.m. There was adequate family time hanging out in Mom's room watching dramas, even a little bit of 'The Artist, until she left with DJ, Maranda, and Drake. After that I was just relaxing while the kids played, then watched television. I'm more confident now that I can go home Sunday morning, just hope I don't get let down. :/ They want to drop me off before going to visit Uncle Pat and whatnot, VERY early. I still got a long night of babysitting ahead of me, Oi Vey.

Laundry got done, but not the dishes. Ah well. Feeling like I need a few minutes break from kids. Just had Harmony shouting in my ear....eep.


EDIT: After Jen left and the kids ate dinner, I started trying to get Harmony in bed at 7:45 p.m. ish only it took FOREVER!! Aaliyah soon joined and we eventually all fell asleep until Jen and everyone else came home.

Friday, October 23, 2015

The Healing.

6:35 a.m. My mood has cooled down. I'm still at Mom's, though a lot less complaingingly. I learned my sister also has depression and she gave me pills and instruction to help me. I opened up to her and things got better. I had a really nice day with the kids yesterday, so aside from leg pain there is nothing to complain about there. I will make it through the week and hopefully the rest of the week will be this calm.

Today I watch Harmony, and then Aaliyah when she gets home from school. I still wonder about what the internet holds when I get back, lol. Especially email wise regarding Secondlife sales lol. Or any messages for me on the social networks, ya know? Either way aside from leg pain it's all calm now, the anger is past me. So that works.

I kept dreaming of JRM tonight lol. There was JRM and Mara in one dream and there was another where I think I tried to meet him lol. Idk I don't recall much.

The dogs were roughhousing and I finally got them settled.

6:44 a.m. Time to send Aaliyah off to school.

6:57 a.m. Aaliyah is gone and out the door at 6:53 a.m., I spent time watching a 70's game show, and now I'm watching Harmony eat ramen for breakfast before we go enjoy some cartoons for the day. Also still letting both dogs run around....for now. If I can keep them from 'going' in the house if you catch my drift.

11:50 a.m. Harmony is down for her afternoon nap and I'm watching crime mystery shows. She got to play in dirt and mud earlier and take a bubble bath. Other than that it was playing with the dogs, tv, and toys. :) I took my medication and I just had canned macaroni for lunch. I need to feed Harmony her lunch after she wakes up. P.S. Today has been a decent day so far...annnndd I'm out of Pepsi lol.

2:07 p.m. Was still watching crime mystery television. I just woke Harmony up from her nice long nap to have some spaghetti-o's. Can't wait to go home tomorrow night, and I mean that in a positive way. :D Things have gone smooth so far today and pray they continue. Although I still need to get my laundry done at some point...maybe tomorrow when everyone is at that Breast Cancer walk. My legs are still kinda hurty so like I repeat, I don't think I will be attending. Now just writing to pass a few minutes as I am in the dining room with Harmony and monitoring her eating...switching from a large spoon to eating with her hands, lol. Still an amusing saucy little mess lol.

Oh! And earlier I was getting scared about Jen's tweety bird thing singing like a garbled radio in the distance...took a few minuste to really discover it. I had to pull down some things because it was in a REALLY high spot and it isn't altogether put back properly. If I'm lucky I'll be home before she -----

2:13 p.m. Notices. I just got up to give Harmony seconds that she wanted lol. Girl can eat! Wish she'd drink her milk though...kinda thining back randomly to that road trip to Alabama five years ago and my details about what went on in the backseat like with DJ and his then girlfriend Ariana arguing over which skittle colors to eat lol.


EDIT: Sorry for not finishing. Aaliyah came home later with snacks and we chilled out, ate, and watched t.v. Normal day where they played. Later that night, Jen chipped in and helped me buy some pizza which I enjoyed with Mom once she got home. We also just watched tv....'Whammy' a 1983 game show, and then crime mystery shows until going to bed. 

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

The Aftermath.

5:51 a.m. So yesterday I slept until Mom came home and then complained to her about how hard my day was...and she comforted me. She told me not to make such a big deal out of it, so I'll try not to. Then again, I also went and told Jen the same thing...cause she asked. But at least I got paid, lol. Anyway, I didn't end up going home last night and instead was asked to babysit today after Aaliyah gets home.

Still sore, but Mom gave me some muscle relaxers last night and it took a while for them to kick in. I still think if it doesn't stop hurting, I may as well skip the breast cancer walk, which is also fine. It would be quite a lot to put my body through so much, so suddenly, after months of lackadaisy lol. I'm also gonna take the relaxers again as Mom asked later this morning. I am feeling a bit better but the bags are clear evidence of the sleep trouble I've had. (see the paragraph below)

For now I need to see Aaliyah off to school and I can heat up some leftover pizza. Oh! And I cannot stress how difficult it is to sleep in this house. I couldn't do it in Mom's bed, I slightly managed on the couch before the dog was barking mixed with the tv, and then moved to Aaliyah's room and slept in some quiet..until I woke up again to a dog barking from being closed in that guy's room and I turned on my mp3 player to relax. It worked a while, then Aaliyah wanted me to come watch her. I wanted to finish my song, then write, which I'm doing. She's in the kitchen playing.

Mom says Grandpa is coming over today and that Joe, for an unmentioned reason, is not permitted on the property. Eep. Not my business to know why. I would ask Grandpa to take me home if I wasn't given the task of babysitting Aaliyah once she got off school. -__- I'll be okay.

Also, HEY! I've already gone one whole day without the internet-anything. No internet, no way, at all. It's interesting and if this was the 90's would be mostly unimpressive but in today's society, it's.....something. Appropriately....something. It does increase the curiousity of what awaits me next time I DO access the internet though. So yay that! P.S. The bug problem is also still minimal which is a plus.

Random notes: SUPERNATURAL RETURNED!!! I must watch it on Hulu when I get home. Also, lately and it's well hidden, but I've been writing 'p.m.' instead of 'a.m.' on my timestamps which is just plain weird.

I deleted my mass of JRM photos off my computer. I'm still a fan....in my own way.... just not as into that wonderful person as I used to be. They are still on April's if I ever change my mind though, lol. Still I liked it.

6:48 a.m. I let Aaliyah play on my computer a bit and then we watched Arthur. Also, I managed to do the thing and have pizza, pepsi, and muscle relaxers. So we can tick those boxes. I hope, God willing, I can get some sleep. Aaliyah just ran in to get her journal and I had to unlock the door. I was hoping she wasn't gonna do something like stop and write at the table so I kinda rushed her. Would hate to have her miss some early bus on my watch.

I'm watching her from inside the house instead of on the porch as the custom because there were SO many misquitos when I did it yesterday. I mean, the windows are kinda tinted and all but I can manage.

God, I hope thats not Joe who pulled up on a motorcycle right now. I have to be the one to bar him. >.<

6:56 p.m. Okay, it was just the guy who lives here. I was a bit apprehensive as Joe is a motorcycle rider but no, he's called Coot, even has it labeled on his motorcycle
jacket. He saw me standing on the back steps, arms crossed and probably looking perplexed if it weren't for the darkness and a big yard, and he said 'How we doing this morning?" He seems nice enough :) It was definetely not JOE'S voice. He's taking the dogs out right now. I hadn't seen his face until now but I was told and overheard on multiple occassions that he lives here. I did introduce myself, by the way.

In short, it's all clear. I do have to relock the doors later, as that's what Mom wanted.

Aaliyah is still outside and her bus should be here soon...

7:06 a.m. Aaliyah's bus arrived. Coot said it was the first time seeing the door locked, not surprisingly, and I talked about Mom's request not to let Joe in . He brought up that yesterday the gate was mysteriously open and the back door and he went and closed the gate. He went to let the dogs out and the gate was open again...so nether of us know what was going on.

As far as I know, nobody was coming or going when I got home yesterday so if it was before then, I still don't know. Something is going on. Anyway, at least someone has my back if Joe for some reason, if any, drops by and I can't handle it. I'm just a meek Christian woman here!! lol.

Last night, Mom talked about her need to move into something smaller like a mobile home, possibly set one up in the backyard of Mema's like Ricky did once since it's both close to her job and she can be there for them to help them out. This was the reason there is no cable and internet. She had the good heart to let all these people come and go, living with her, and they wouldn't help with the bills. It frustrated her. But hey, if she's cool without, more power to her.

Right now she is sharing a home with Jen and her kids..while DJ and I, much to her thankfulness, have moved. Jen has taken over the adjoining spare room with her stuff and told Mom not to do anything to it when it's her house so you can see the predicament here.

I'm glad to have a private forum to discuss this, not in a place where everyone knows I write. This is just a diary. The only reason it's on the internet is the 'anywhere' access and the reason it's not set to private is so I can view it without having to be logged in. I know my family would be unhappy to discover this stuff in the blog (if they knew this existed) so I may decide to ommit it later somehow and still use it in my journal book.

Awww....Skyla is sleeping next to me and it is SOOO cute!!! Too bad I can't get the camera on April's phone to take a picture without disturbing her, lol.

7:50 a.m. Maranda is here hanging out while Drake is on his first day at daycare. She asked to help Velma but she already has two women with her today, plus it is HARD!! I tried to watch Metallica: Through The Never after cleaning out my computer....I was that bored, lol. On the plus side, I have only used 28 GB of space on a 144 GB computer. I deleted a lot of unneccessary videos. I'm a stickler for keeping the amount of available on here on th ehigh side.

I need new RAM as my memory isn't great. To be honest, my computer is slowly breaking and may be due at some point for yet another system reset, that is, bringing it back to default settings to make it work properly. Cause it's to the point where every time I clean using CCleaner, it shuts down which bugs me. I just have to properly back things up first, lol. AND it doesn't even need a CD, there's just this certain key combo I have to hit to do it except...I don't know what it is without googling it. o_0 Ah well.

At least less internet equals more blogging, being more open about my feelings so they aren't itching my insides...as much.

8:58 a.m. Grandpa is here now and so is Maranda. We are all just meandering and I'm defragmenting my computer (Can't recall the last time it was, so it's long overdue anyway.) Hopefully it will run better in the future. :) Maranda is job hunting, Grandpa is saying it will be a long day. I'm still waddling from my leg pain. Muscle relaxers did not stop it.

9:46 a.m. Both the computer and April's phone (which was running slow) is cleaned up a bit and now Maranda is gone...not sure what to do with my day. Kinda boring around here, ya know? I SHOULD give my computer a break....

12:32 p.m. I AM IN TERRIBLE leg pain. I am limping across Mom's house and it hurts twice as bad as it has all week. Can't even lay down or sit without pain....it's mainly in my legs because my feet feel alright. I called Rob on Grandpa's phone, with a number I had in my computer, and asked if he had the medications we all sought to get before I left. She hadn't yet. There's also the fact that my little phone call woke him so I was getting to my point in a hurry.

I dont know if I'll be here all week but I will be home soon, God willing. I've been sitting in Mom's bed drinking Pepsi, eating, and went from watching 1970s game to shows to a JFK documentary with Mafia theories and now crime investigation shows. Oi and a Vey. If this keeps up all week, I will not be attending the walk unfortunately. I just can't. -___-

By the way, after a computer cleaning, now I've only used 27.6 GB which is AWESOME!!! :D That's out of 144 and my computer should be running smoothly aside from the Skype memory glitch and the CCleaner shutdown issues. Did I say smoothly? At least it's fast enough.

12:43 p.m. Made a random doodle. Strange doodle. (See Desktop)

6:53 p.m. I'm feeling stressed. I'm trapped here and don't have the freedom to choose whether or not I can go home without causing some huge uproar. Why do simple things have to be so ridiculous? Why is there no one who can help me?

I am in so much pain that I can't bend over properly, my back and legs hurt. I've been limping all day and I can't sit, lay, or do anything with my legs without being in pain and all Jen can do is shrug like it's nothing and tell me to stick it out for a week. For Gods sake in Christ Jesus, I want one day of rest in my own bed to recuperate but that is deemed unimportant because she doesn't have gas money.

And she ALWAYS does this to me, asks me to come babysit and then leaves me high and dry because she's always too broke to bother taking me home, and it becomes a claw, scratch, pull, and any other word just to get back to my house. EVERY. SINGLE. Time. And I fall for it, thinking it will be different, EVERY time!

Yeah, I'm angry inside. I feel like I'm 22 again and stuck. It was always that thing when I lived here where I was stuck and couldnt make a move unless it was convenient for someone else. Only if it suited or benefited the other person. I love my family, I hate the house sometimes and what being in it means for me.

No one can grasp that I can't just simply 'rest it off' here. There is no air conditioning, only ceiling fans, dogs bark and yelp, tvs blare, and people chat and come and go down the halls. You know the extent of noise at MY house? Clattering keyboards and the occassional laugh at something funny, and maybe some muffled chatter.

People then wonder why I stay away for months at a time. It's because everyone is so eager to have me over but when it comes time for me to come home, suddenly its not doable. I have to push and claw with begging and pleading to get back to my own bed. It's beyond ridiculous and it seems like there is nothing I can do to change it.

She won't even compromise and bring Harmony over there instead, because of gas money, no, it's her way and that's the end of the conversation.

I hate to say it but I get screwed over every time like this........

I really hate to say it.

I really genuinely do.

Hate that word.

But it keeps happening.

And it feels like the ones who are on my side can't help and the ones who aren't will excuse a way not to help. I'm so tired of it.

Being away so long at a time can make me forget it, for sure. I mean, it flashed in my mind a bit but that was when I was thinking I would be here working and making money, not limping around my Mom's house in pain and being forbidden to go home.

The gas money thing is just an easy excuse. I OFFERED gas money to Grandpa and he was more than willing to do it but no, Jen had to have her veto because she has plans and suddenly I'm the only person in all God's creation who can babysit and that there's no other way. Again, the second easy excuse. It's the same one they've used since I was practically a teenager. I'm the only one in all existence that they know who can watch their children. Anything to remind me I have no choice but stay put against my will, and then they shrug it off with an annoyed sigh because they've already won.

And I know calling April won't solve anything because she'd just be mad at my sister, stay mad, and I don't need that, and I would have to be reminded of how naive I am to fall for the same thing over and over because I think something will change. It doesn't change. It never does.

I'm angry, miserable, longing, and in pain. Plain and simple. Yes, I wanted to see my family but I don't want to stick around while I'm in pain. Hope God knows that. Oiii...and this is just gonna go up in my face when Jen gets home and we have to go into it.

I basically get argued into a corner and go into myself and just concede to something I don't want to do because I don't want to continue being in an argument. Then I go off and be depressed and angry to myself, cry and then make sure if someone calls for me I hide it quick enough and make a weak/fake smile. Same old thing.

Mom isn't coming home until late tonight, Jen won't be home until it's too dark, Grandpa can't take me now because Jen can't 'let' me go and if I rebel and go anyway it will blow up a lot more than it needs to. This whole thing....I've been repetitive enough. You know what I think of that. Life is unfair, yada yada yada. Same old story with me, I guess.


I tell you one thing, when I go home, and sleep for an unimaginable amount of hours in my own bed, I'm staying put for as long as I can hold out until the holidays or something. Seriously. Then maybe rant some more later before letting this whole thing blow over, as usual. Hard to help it when I got those two who are the ones who will genuinely listen.

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

First and Last Day Of Work.

3:52 a.m. Okay, so about yesterday. I read about half the second journal and even then, I was still weird. I packed and watched some Burn Notice, hung out with Rob, and then slept until Mom arrived that evening to pick me up. We listened to dubstep and remixes on the way, lol.

Then I got home and greeted the kids, watching tv with Mom until we went to sleep shortly after. Since Joe is gone, I can share her room since hers is one of the few left in this house with air conditioning. The only thing is she sleeps with the tv on, so that is something to get used to.

Anyway, Jen took me to meet with Velma, the woman I'll be working with and who I've known since childhood, and basically had the interview right there on her porch. She asked questions and we went over what I'm to expect. The re-iterated that when it comes to clients houses, I can be trusted not to steal from them, and I can. She told me a few have left valuables out on purpose, with cameras, to test and tempt those who work there..but this is a non issue as far as my ability to work.

I get up and need to be ready by 7:30 a.m. and can dress casually. Basically she will be cleaning and I will be following after her, like a partner. Now, the deal is 50 a day whereabouts, 250 a week, 1000 a month, but some things are different about this week.

I have missed one day, so I cant get paid for that work, and I am not working Friday because I'm babysitting for Jen (Maranda will be stepping in) and Saturday is the breast cancer walk (I finally decided to go) and Jen is having her ten year high school reunion, which I wouldnt make her miss for the world.

Before I went to bed, Jen said 'Don't let me down, Chels.' Which little did she know REALLY inspired me.

I gotta thank God and give Him the glory. This ticks like all the boxes of what I've been needing.

1. Steady income.
2. Being around my family.
3. I can go nuts on Christmas shopping just like I dreamed this year.
4. I'm doing something with my day besides going Secondlife and sleeping.
5. I still get to see April and Rob on the weekends.
6. My hygiene is gonna improve.
7. Cleaning houses is helpful to others. This is also a new job reference for the future.
8. I GET TO SPEND HALLOWEEN WITH THE KIDS! I didn't mention it but that is something I was REALLY hoping to get to do.

I don't even mind this house so much anymore. I used to avoid it because of bugs and the heat issues but there are almost no bugs left, The house is quieter, a LOT cleaner, and I got a ceiling fan cooling me in an un-airconditioned living room.

For day one, this is a lot better than having complaints. I don't have a complaint for once, imagine that.

I tried to sleep longer but due to my strange sleep habits my body seemed fully rested. So, I got up to write.

Mom REALLY wants to show me this store where everything is five bucks and under, even suggesting I take 20 out at the end of the week for it. I don't mind. Would be a good chance to get my Christmas list going, which I need to get on by the way.

Also, Jen got a chihuaha and it's NOT a mean one. We also still have Skyla here.

Anyway, back at home I remembered I went over my budget plans with Rob. I have plans, for sure, responsibly. Time will tell. God only knows. I also don't have internet here and forgot to put it on a flash drive. The only thing I have is Mom's hot spot which is unavailable while I don't know her new phone password and she is asleep. I got April's phone, my netbook, and my mp3 player. There's also soda, clothes, tennis shoes with mismatched socks, and a composition notebook.

I'm thinking of like taking only a few pairs of clothes home with me at the end of the week so I don't have to lug so much back and forth, lol.

I'm told for the job we leave at 7:30 and come back around three or four p.m. and sometimes later if the client comes home and needs extra done. It's fifty bucks a day so I'm not gonna complain.

On a random note, Harmony can now say my name and quite regularly and I enjoy it every time.

More soon. Being less distracted by the internet means more information about what I do with my day lol.

4:17 a.m. There is leftover pasta and I'm REALLY in the mood for getting some. All glory, praise, thanks and all things be to God on the highest forever and ever in Jesus name, amen! God is able!

4:40 a.m. I had some delicious pasta and worked out my Christmas list thus far. I'm logging off....

3:21 p.m. I have had a long ardous and altogether not so great day. I was on my hands and knees scrubbing baseboards, wiping, making beds, vaccumming, handling trash and while that doesn't sound like much, emotionally, it feels like a lot when the entire time you are told you are doing it wrong...

...thus feeling loads of shame, stupidity, and inadequecy that is flushing your self esteem down a toilet faster than you can clean one. Yeah, that much.

Don't get me wrong. She was fair. I was doing my absolute HARDEST and best, (I dont mean that faceciously) but it was not up the par that her business is and when it is not and a client notices, it falls back on her.

In the end, we both agreed this was not for me. I made 45 dollars, which was about over five bucks an hour and she was convinced I didn't do much, though I would beg to differ, I didn't get into it. It was over. I was paid, even if it was five dollars less than expected because as I said she felt I didn't do much, but I tried. The point is I tried even if I didn't get it right at all.

I went through a lot of negative thoughts about myself through the whole thing, as low self esteem will do to you, tried to keep praying and singing 'Salted Wound' by Sia in my head. You wouldn't believe how much that helped.

All I'm really prepared to do now is beg and plead my way home tonight and come back to babysit at the end of the week like I promised. I want to curl up in my OWN bed and drift, forget the mental and emotional pain which I so carefully hid today, and maybe talk it out with April and Rob.

For a while I got away with hiding my red eyes with a matching red face and tears with sweat but at the end of the day when she asked what was wrong, I told her my legs and feet hurt, which was not untrue...and I attributed it to my barely broken in sneakers.

She was fair, okay? She was also kind, bluntly honest, and comforted me, saying I'm not cut out for this but I should be doing something I love and enjoy and stick with that. Kind of the lesson I had to tell myself was that just because I am not fit for one job doesn't mean I am not fit for any.

That was a major part of why I didn't want to come out to her and say such and such made me feel deeply, stupid, and inadequate and that it was real reason I was crying. I didn't want to needlessly hurt her feelings. God, depression hit me so hard during this.

Also, I brought a pasta lunch but never got around to touching it. It sat in a hot car all day and I threw it away when I got home. Too bad because it was SO delicious and such a waste. I was cleaning for all these hours, okay? I had a hard time the first half just getting myself to stop and drink something. And I WAS SOOOO HOTTTTTTT!!!!! Not a great day but I'm cooling down and recuperating.

Another thing this shows is my sister oversells things, and I was oversold into this. Like I could listen to music, stop and eat lunch, just an easy sweep and dust and that's all...yada yada. None of that was the case. Three immaculate houses all needed scrubbing so hard. Closest thing I had ever been to seeing a mansion on the inside. I thought if I did this a week I'd lose full use of my right hand. Not exaggerating. You try spending hours scrubbing baseboards only to be told that it was not good enough because she sees stains that you cannot. Takes a toll, just seriously. I assure you, this was an experience and I'll get it behind me.

I had God on my side today, did a lot of praying with Him. I still know he wouldn't hand me anything I couldn't handle so I basically said it was up to Him if I was gonna make it another day so I guess we know. Oi, thank God we know. I'm hoping He's gonna bless me further, at least for trying.

Aaliyah doesn't appear to be home yet so I'm just gonna rest. God bless, Jesus loves, lives, saves. Bye homies. P.S. 45 bucks can REALLY stretch for Christmas gifts. :)

4:38 p.m. I can't properly rest. My feet are throbbing. I keep complaining about today when I shouldn't, and should just move on. It's gonna feel kinda sad putting the above plans in the journal knowing they might not all come to be, or to think I might not finish of that Christmas list, God only knows.

The main thought is how bad I want and need to go home. I hurt now and can only seeing it hurt worse tomorrow and the last thing I want to do is babysit all day or the rest of the week in pain. -__- I'll have to beg, plead, or make some deal just to go home because as always the reason is the same, there is no gas money.

I dread coming back dejected because it didn't work out and I had such high hopes. Yet, I long to curl up in bed and sleep the pain away for hours upon hours on end until the end of the week...physical pain...the emotional pain is a whole other fire to quench. Oi vey. And there's no internet to boot. I need someone. At least there's Skyla the dog, lol.


ANYWAY, I finally ate and drank something and watched a Bible memorization game show. Now I just felt like writing about my feelings. This will pass...maybe I'll laugh about it one day, I don't know. 

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